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Old 04-02-2007, 09:47 AM   #41
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Default Python eating a sheep

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Old 04-02-2007, 09:52 AM   #42
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Default Farting at the table

A boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart.

"Duke!" the dad yelled.

"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one.

"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart.

"Duke! Get out of there before the boy sh*ts on you!"
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:00 AM   #43
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Default Soldiers in Iraq

The Secretary of Defense is briefing President Bush on Iraq. "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "That's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:05 AM   #44
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Default Dragging feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
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Old 04-02-2007, 10:10 AM   #45
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Default In bed

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Old 04-02-2007, 10:20 AM   #46
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Default Tree accident

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Old 05-02-2007, 09:13 AM   #47
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Default

>> > Clean can be funny.
>> >
>> > One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
>> > Sexy
>> > nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
>>So
>> > he
>> > tied her up and went golfing.
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
>>the
>> > house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
>> > "Honey,
>> > pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
>> > The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
>>mountain
>> > stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."
>> >
>> > ****** ********************************************
>> >
>> >
>> > Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
>> > other is a husband.
>> > ********************* *****************************
>> >
>> > A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
>>First,
>> > of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a
>>card
>> > with the letters
>> >
>> > 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
>>"Read
>> > it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must
>> > tell
>> > you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank
>> > God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."
>> >
>> >
>> > **************************************************
>> > A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
>> > Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said,
>> > "CAREFUL!
>> > Put in s ome more butter! Oh my GOD!
>> > You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN
>> > THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
>> > we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK!
>> > Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen
>> > to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
>>Have
>> > you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always
>>forget
>> > to
>> > salt them. Use the salt.
>> > USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What in the world is
>> > wrong
>> > with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" The
>>husband
>> > calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm
>> > driving."
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
>> > drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army
>> > issued
>> > him
>> > a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his
>> > second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the
>> > Army
>> > dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued
>> > him
>>a
>> > jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
>> > **************************************************
>> >
>> > Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
>> > you
>> > will laugh your head off!!!!!!!
>> >
>> > This works. I don't know how
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:07 AM   #48
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Default Snowy Report

A video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4692&id=1
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:11 AM   #49
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Default Confession

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation—surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:23 AM   #50
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Default Super Size Me

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Old 05-02-2007, 11:34 AM   #51
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Default Iraq Reporting

A video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4691&id=1
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Old 05-02-2007, 11:41 AM   #52
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Default Dirty joke.

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Old 05-02-2007, 11:57 AM   #53
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Default Wind'o'ws is for Dummies

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Old 05-02-2007, 12:02 PM   #54
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Default

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Old 06-02-2007, 10:16 AM   #55
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Default Living in 2006....

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...



1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life,
is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends you know you want to!
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Old 06-02-2007, 10:28 AM   #56
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Default Any excuse.

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Old 06-02-2007, 10:34 AM   #57
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Default Bathroom instructions

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Old 06-02-2007, 10:43 AM   #58
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Default Oral sex

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Old 06-02-2007, 11:24 AM   #59
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Default

>>Subject: Snow storm alert
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>One winter morning in Iowa, a couple was listening to the radio while
>>eating
>>breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10
>>inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of
>>the street, so the snowplows can get through."
>>Norman's wife went out and moved her car.
>>A week later while they were again eating breakfast, the radio announcer
>>said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your
>>car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get
>>through
>>"
>>Norman's wife went out and moved her car again.
>>The next week they were again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
>>said, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..."
>>Then the electric power went off............
>>Norman's wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she
>>said,
>>Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park
>>on so the snowplows can get through?"
>>With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married
>>to
>>blondes exhibit, Norman said .. "Why don't you just leave it in the garage
>>this time?"
>>
>>
>>
>>
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Old 06-02-2007, 11:36 AM   #60
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Default Saddam

>>This, Just In from Muslim Heaven,
>>
>>Saddam, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that
>>
>>Allah promised!
>>
>>
>>
>>
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