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Old 24-01-2010, 08:10 AM   #1
boots
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Default The Squirrel and the grasshopper

The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

Two versions

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up
supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know
why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Daily Mail informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Green Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Social Housing Commission
demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir
singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
A socialist rants in an interview with Andrew Mar that the squirrel got rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter the congestion zone in London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's
taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
For the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court
the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Social Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it
and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is
seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.
Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes,
the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking
cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the British apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but
were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in
custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared
they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A News Night special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though
spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in Britain.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs
habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.
Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity
and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid £1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to
inform them there were mice in Britain.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies
have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased
to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END


My question is what is the real point here?



.
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Old 24-01-2010, 08:26 AM   #2
eternal wheel
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would be funny if it wasn't true.


squirrel should've killed the grasshopper in the autumn,
a) to prevent it dying a slow lingering death as in (1).
b) so (2) doesn't happen.

did the cats travel through, and get tacit assistance from, 7 other cat-friendly countries first, but didn't stop in any of them because the welfare benefits were not as good as here?
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The next enemy will be asteroids. The final scare will be aliens. Extraterrestrials. The last card is the extraterrestrial enemy card. And all of it is a lie.
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Old 24-01-2010, 08:49 AM   #3
haukipesukone
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Another version:
The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed until the octopus arrives, shoots him in the face and takes his stuff.
The grasshopper manages to scrounge a few supplies that fall off the looting truck of the octopus, and survive the winter.
Next summer grasshopper laughs and dances and plays, while the octopus starts building concrete buildings and shopping malls that eventually get demolished by the dolphin invasion...
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Peruse through Bad Poetry of Pain and Hurt
Or wrack your brain with Concordia ab Chao and Your Life is a Lie
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Old 24-01-2010, 09:50 AM   #4
eternal wheel
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Quote:
Originally Posted by haukipesukone View Post
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed until the octopus arrives, shoots him in the face and takes his stuff.


coffee, screen....
__________________
THE STRATEGY
Firstly, the Russians were to be the enemy. Then, later, Terrorists will be identified. Then we are going to identify third-world country "crazies".
The next enemy will be asteroids. The final scare will be aliens. Extraterrestrials. The last card is the extraterrestrial enemy card. And all of it is a lie.
Dr Werner Von Braun. june 1977..... so far, so good....
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Old 24-01-2010, 10:49 AM   #5
seercirra
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Quote:
Originally Posted by boots View Post
The Squirrel and The Grasshopper

Two versions

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and
laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter,
so he dies out in the cold.

THE END


THE BRITISH VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up
supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know
why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the
grasshopper, are cold and starving.
The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the
squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
The Daily Mail informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this
poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Green Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Social Housing Commission
demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house.
The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir
singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
A socialist rants in an interview with Andrew Mar that the squirrel got rich off the backs of
grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share'
and increases the charge for squirrels to enter the congestion zone in London.
In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and
Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's
taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders,
For the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court
the grasshopper did not want to work.
The grasshopper is provided with a Social Housing Commission house, financial aid to furnish it
and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is
seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society - in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes,
the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home.
The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking
cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with
mice.
On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of the British apparent love of dogs.
The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but
were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in
custody.
Initial moves to make then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared
they would face death by the mice.
The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.
A News Night special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though
spring is still months away, while the Housing Commission house he is in crumbles around him
because he hasn't bothered to maintain it. He is shown to be taking drugs.
Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'Illness'.
The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in Britain.
The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs
habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks.
He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.
Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.
A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10 million and state the obvious, is set up.
Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers.
Legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased.
The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain’s multicultural diversity
and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.
The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose.
The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root
causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison.
They call for the resignation of a minister.
The cats are paid £1 million each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to
inform them there were mice in Britain.
The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies
have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased
to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a
shortfall in government funds.

THE END


My question is what is the real point here?



.
yeah but grasshoppers dont eat nuts.

Last edited by seercirra; 24-01-2010 at 10:51 AM.
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Old 24-01-2010, 11:59 AM   #6
princessofwands
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Boots, your stories are brilliant.

David Cameron has started using RESPONSIBILITY as a buzzword. Does anyone really think he can take us back to story 1 though?

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