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Old 07-02-2007, 05:38 PM   #1
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Default Religious Jokes

Q: What did the roman soldier say to jesus when nailing him to the cross?
A: "Can you cross your legs? I've only got one nail left"
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Old 08-02-2007, 05:50 AM   #2
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A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.
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Old 08-02-2007, 07:12 AM   #3
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Originally Posted by snog View Post
A priest had lost his cock (Male hen) and didn't know where to find it. So at the sermon next day he asked, "Has anybody got the cock?" All the men stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen the cock?" All the women folk stood up.

"No! no! I mean has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up.


I will get back to this thread later, I have a few rippers
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:47 PM   #4
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There's this monk, right? He's led a very sheltered life, being in the order since he was a novice; and so he knows nothing of the outside world. Then one day, the doors to the monestry are left open accidentally, so he decides to go out and have a look around. He steps outside, brimming with curiosity and heads down to a nearby village. When he gets there all these prostitutes keep coming up to him and saying. Here, mate, how's about a good time? Only five quid." "Come on, sonny, five quid for a good time!"
The monk replies: "I'm terribly sorry, young lady, I don't know what you mean by 'a good time'." So he goes back to the monastry and visits the abbot in his office. "Excuse me, Father, can you tell me something. I've just been down to the village and all the women keep coming up to me and asking if I want a good time. What is 'a good time'?"
"I know not, my son." said the abbot; I suggest you ask the nuns next door."
So the curious monk goes to the neighbouring convent and goes to see the mother superior. "Mother Superior." He begins. "I've been to the village and all the women keep asking me if I want a good time. But I don't know what a 'good time' is. Could you please tell me: What exactly is 'a good time'?"
The mother superior winks and says: "Five quid, darling; same as in the village!"
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Old 10-02-2007, 04:12 PM   #5
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Quote:
I will get back to this thread later, I have a few rippers
Where are they?
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Old 10-02-2007, 05:20 PM   #6
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Here ya go! I cracked up at this one a while ago and hunted it down.

The pope dies and goes to heaven. At the pearly gates, St. Peter welcomes him and asks if he's ready to enter heaven for all eternity. The pope replies, "Yes, but before I go in, I would really like to see what hell is like."

St. Peter thinks a moment and then responds, "I suppose it would be okay if you went down there for a half hour or so."

With that, the pope finds himself in hell, where, to his amazement, the inhabitants are having a huge party. They have the best of the best spread out: French champagne, Italian food, and music of all sorts, from Lawrence Welk to Jimi Hendrix. As the pope watches everyone eating, drinking and being merry, he starts to become very hungry and cannot wait to go back to heaven.

When the pope returns, St. Peter asks him, "How was hell?"

The pope replies, "Well, they were having such a big feast, I became famished watching them."

St. Peter then asks if the pope is ready to enter heaven, to which the pope replies, "Oh yes, I'm very excited. If the people in hell are having such a good time, I cannot imagine how great heaven will be!"

With that, St. Peter leads the pope into a small white room with a small white table and white chairs, and instructs the pope to have a seat. The pope looks a little puzzled but abides his host.

After a few minutes, Jesus enters the room carrying a peanut butter sandwich and a glass of milk, and takes a seat.

A moment later, St. Peter enters bearing two peanut butter sandwiches and glasses of milk. He hands a peanut butter sandwich and glass of milk to the pope, and sits down and starts to eat.

As they silently sit eating, the pope becomes more and more agitated, until St. Peter finally asks him why he is not eating.

"Well," the pope responds, "down in hell they are having a big bash, with all the finest food, drink, music and dancing. I imagined heaven would top even that!"

"Why," St. Peter queries, raising his eyebrows, "you don't expect us to do all that for just the three of us, do you?"
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Old 10-02-2007, 06:14 PM   #7
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Default world medical conference

here in france there has been the world medical conference
(you know its all about time and money these days)
the fist to speek was a french doctor who said that we have the tecnologie to take a liver out of one man and transplant it into another and have them both looking for work in 8 weeks
there were many aplodes........................................... ....
the next was the german doctor who said that they can take a lung out of one man and transplant it into another and have them both looking for work in 6 weeks
there were long aplords........................................... ......
then there was a rusian doctor who said they could take half a hart out of one man and trnsplant it into another and have them both looking for work in 4 weeks
there was a standing ovation........................................
then the american doctor (who dident want to be last) said
we took a man without a brain and transplanted him into the white-house and now half of america is looking for work.............................................. .....



(the religious part of the joke is the man without a brain)

like dis one..? (french joke )
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Last edited by markhowie; 10-02-2007 at 06:37 PM. Reason: its like that
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Old 10-02-2007, 07:25 PM   #8
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I like it, I like it a lot, that was hilarious!----
Seriously, can we get more smileys?
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:31 PM   #9
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A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. "Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "The must be British."
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Old 10-02-2007, 08:33 PM   #10
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"Nonsense" the Frenchman disagrees, "They are naked and beautiful. Clearly the are french." "No clothes, no shelter." The Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat and are being told this is paradise. Clearly they are russian
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Old 25-02-2007, 03:29 PM   #11
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Q. Why wasn't jesus born in America ?

A. Couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

No offense intended to Americans.

With LOVE.
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Old 25-02-2007, 03:55 PM   #12
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What was the last thing jesus said to peter?
I can see your house from here.
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Old 26-02-2007, 03:15 AM   #13
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Has anybody noticed Dave Allen back on telle in Australia? I used to love that guy. He always had a long stick to poke at the catholic church and lots of nun jokes. Cant think of any at the moment though.
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Old 26-02-2007, 07:25 AM   #14
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Who is Dave Allen?
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Old 26-02-2007, 08:58 AM   #15
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Default Dave Allen

Irish comedian who used to have his own show on the ABC years ago. He's probably dead now, but their showing him on channel sevens comedy classics.

This guy specialised in religious comedy, especially catholic, and his sketches are usually very funny, but It was his monologues that stole the show for me. He would take 10 to 15 minutes to get to the point of his story but you would be in stitches all the way, even if you knew where he was going with it.

here's one of his stories another one about smoking haunted house

Last edited by oneofmany; 26-02-2007 at 09:42 AM. Reason: another link
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Old 26-02-2007, 11:35 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oneofmany View Post
Has anybody noticed Dave Allen back on telle in Australia? I used to love that guy. He always had a long stick to poke at the catholic church and lots of nun jokes. Cant think of any at the moment though.
He was bloody hilarious! you can get his sketch shows and stand-up on DVD. He used to take the piss out of smokers and non-smokers a bit like Bill Hicks.
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Old 26-02-2007, 12:11 PM   #17
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Dave Allen was a very funny man. He was at his funniest taking the piss out of the Catholic Church. He died in March 2005.

Incidentally, there have been many references on these pages to the late great, Bill Hicks. He died on this day, February 26 1994, aged just 32.

Always remembered Bill.
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