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Old 07-07-2008, 11:04 AM   #7
rixxmixxhell
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: On Board The Destiny.
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I think i'm living in a victim attitude. I mean, everything i do goes wrong, im starving, cant seem to find any money. I bring problems in to my life i think so i can solve them, as life is boring unless im fighting, or at least that's what i mean. I think i feel i have to always be 'against', as a child, and so as an adult.

I'm not weak, or such,but i can never succeed at the things i try, even a story, i used to write so much, now, i just dont feel like it. I dont feel like reading, writing, breathing, cooking - i feel ive lost all my self, like i have a hole. I am very talented and mostly all inately, but all i want now sometimes is pure privacy, sleep, hard drugs pop into my head - i want them i want them i want them - then i lie to myself, because if i did have money, id probally buy them. Im not talking acid..

I think i like who i am but im being wasted with my talents by ((being so poor- (although i sit at a p.c - i dont pay for it) for animals and animal communication etc, also an adventurer, and a complete independent, whislt in this environment, this is how i am. I dont want to be what i am any more - but i can't get out of this environment, beleive me, ive tried, and done it a few times. But i just fall back into bad luck, and tou know what - i never put myself above anyone, i am very nice and thoughtful even if a little intimidatring to people i meet because my confidence and knowledge, although i don't really share it, it's there, but it's mine.

Gee what a morning, i think i sould delete this this....should i post this?? What good will it do, apart from get toasted...I think it's my inner ego that wont let go of the me thats been and gone, but which is why im in a pit, untill i realize the past is the past and i shouldn't feel guilty for being a drug abuser i dont no longer need to attack myself and punish myself. I need to be with animals, and nature, but i cant find them. To heal. Regenerate...did i tell you i am a Borg lol ( o.k that helped me bring the energy down a key) I just had a really wired moment.

Last edited by rixxmixxhell; 07-07-2008 at 11:10 AM.
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