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accuracy 05-12-2007 08:36 AM

Subject: Christmas Joke - (its nearly December)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.



"In honour of this holy season,' Saint Peter said 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.



"It represents a candle." he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates."

said Saint Peter.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and



said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said he could pass through the pearly gates.



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and > finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,























Wait for it!!!!









































"They're Carols."

accuracy 05-12-2007 08:42 AM

Bowling Night

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/443bowling05798.jpg

accuracy 05-12-2007 08:44 AM

Cold In Alaska

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

blue 05-12-2007 04:02 PM

ouch !!
 
http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/f...hail84/004.gif

accuracy 06-12-2007 09:54 AM

That's Cold

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/cold029dewe2.jpg

accuracy 09-12-2007 07:59 AM

Early Warning Signs

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/EarlyWarningSign.jpg

accuracy 09-12-2007 08:01 AM

Who Took This Picture?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/593camera280580.jpg

accuracy 09-12-2007 08:05 AM

Hot-Dog

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

accuracy 09-12-2007 08:09 AM

A Mormon

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

accuracy 10-12-2007 08:26 AM

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

accuracy 10-12-2007 09:09 AM

Cheat Any Exam With A Coke Bottle

It's so simple, why didn't I think of that!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/bjVs59gf.jpg

Watch video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/..._A_Coke_Bottle

accuracy 10-12-2007 09:21 AM

http://www.bartcop.com/bad071109.gif

chattanova 10-12-2007 04:04 PM


accuracy 11-12-2007 07:17 AM

Indian Toilet Paper
 
An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

accuracy 11-12-2007 07:24 AM

Let Truth Be Told
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/190truth32094780234.jpg

accuracy 11-12-2007 07:38 AM

Elephant Ass Wash.
 
Funny video clip, check it out here: :D

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4374&id=1

accuracy 12-12-2007 06:40 AM

Subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

accuracy 12-12-2007 06:57 AM

Rigged Contest
 
Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

accuracy 13-12-2007 08:36 AM

Car Phone
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/74carphone87686.gif

accuracy 14-12-2007 04:18 AM

Some Naughty Jokes.
 
Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


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