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-   -   A humour thread (https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=80)

pinkfreud 24-11-2008 06:40 AM

hehe. good stuff buddy :D nice to have a laugh on here

accuracy 24-11-2008 06:41 AM

40 things you would like to say at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.


10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

accuracy 24-11-2008 06:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkfreud (Post 630685)
hehe. good stuff buddy :D nice to have a laugh on here

It's good to hear pinkfreud :D :D

accuracy 24-11-2008 06:48 AM

Gabe Perez Highschool ID


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/gabe_...hschool_id.jpg

accuracy 24-11-2008 08:04 AM

Beer Shampoo


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...08/11/beer.jpg


Don’t Drink And Bath

Quote:

Old and busted: singing in the shower. New hotness: celebrating in the shower with a bottle of foaming beer shampoo! And you can do just that come December 1st when Bandai’s Beer Shampoo pours onto Japanese store shelves.

What’s your image of a winner? For many, it’s a race winner on the podium happily spraying the admiring crowd with a shaken alcoholic beverage, or the giddy scene in the winning team’s locker room after clinching victory - nothing spells “win!” like a beer shampoo!

Now you can party like a champion anytime, anywhere… well OK, in the confines of your shower at least. That’s because the creative minds at Bandai have come up with Beer Shampoo. The concept is a winner too: all fun; no mess. Pour a beer over your head (or your friend’s head) and get dirty & clean at the same time.

According to Bandai’s press release, Beer Shampoo isn’t pressurized and won’t spurt out of the bottle when opened. To get the optimum mentos-in-Coke effect, you have to add water, shake, and let fly with the foam.

Bandai has given Beer Shampoo a fruity citrus scent just in case those who have already imbibed a few REAL beers don’t down the wrong suds. Hey, it could happen - the bottle is convincingly beer-like and the shampoo itself contains hops. Though Bandai has no plans to export Beer Shampoo to the U.S., you can be sure a few product liability lawyers are getting tipsy just thinking about the prospect.

Via:Inventorspot

anahata 24-11-2008 10:28 PM

Tim Minchin
 

anahata 24-11-2008 10:41 PM

Jason Rouse
 
If you are easily offended DO NOT WATCH!!


:eek:

accuracy 25-11-2008 06:24 AM

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress...es-virgins.jpg

accuracy 25-11-2008 06:26 AM

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress...-pizza-hut.jpg

accuracy 25-11-2008 06:31 AM

Frozen moustache


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/frozen_mustache.jpg

accuracy 25-11-2008 06:35 AM

Sex Symbol


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/g384news.gif

accuracy 25-11-2008 06:39 AM

Social Security


A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."



accuracy 25-11-2008 06:49 AM

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/kimchi-volunteers.jpg

Quote:

Volunteers make kimchi, traditional pungent vegetable, to donate to needy neighbors for winter preparation in front of the Seoul City Hall Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008. About 2,200 housewives made 130 tons (117 metric tons) of kimchi. Made with cabbage, other vegetables and chili sauce, kimchi is the most popular traditional food in Korea.
Photo/Ahn Young-joon


accuracy 26-11-2008 05:35 AM

IRS Jokes


A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."



The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.


A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"


Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.


A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

accuracy 27-11-2008 07:26 AM

email joke
 
Subject: Fw: FW: Wedding ring


>> > The Wedding Ring A man went to the hospital in Rockhampton,
>> > Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
>> > According to the nurse attending the operation, the
>> > patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
>> > She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she
>> > used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he
>> > was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having
>> > your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining
>> > to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR....
>> > 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
>> > Tough call. You decide.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >

accuracy 27-11-2008 07:30 AM

My Kind Of Town


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dil394doe.jpg

accuracy 27-11-2008 07:33 AM

Hot and Cold


An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the
doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor
than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

accuracy 28-11-2008 05:52 AM

Dating Jokes


It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says.
“That’s cool” says Bobby.
Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
” DANGIT DADDY….! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”


Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."


accuracy 30-11-2008 05:39 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/speci...y_training.jpg

accuracy 30-11-2008 05:45 AM

Freedom Statue, how Ironic.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/freedom_statue.jpg

accuracy 30-11-2008 05:47 AM

DIY Tank


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/476tank9085609.jpg

accuracy 30-11-2008 05:49 AM

A Human Car Performance

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."


jahzel 30-11-2008 11:09 AM

I can't stop watching this video!


:D

kweli 30-11-2008 02:13 PM

Penis work complaints
 
The Penis hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not always stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do no take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you've completed the assigned task.
And, if all this is not enough, you've been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags! :D

nofuture 30-11-2008 02:59 PM

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c2...BlingBling.jpg

nofuture 30-11-2008 03:05 PM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/...l-wtf-fail.jpg

rhydra 30-11-2008 06:54 PM

The England Cricket team has accused the ECB of not being concerned about their safety by not bringing them back from their tour of India.

A spokesman for the ECB said in a statement, "The ECB most vehemently disputes the allegation that we are not concerned with the safety of the England players. We recently ordered a full review of the security situation and found that the threat to the players was minimal.

Furthermore, the ECB have requested a meeting with the England captain and team to discuss the comments when they return from their tour of India, Somalia, Hellmand Province, Waziristan, the Sunni Triangle, Chechnya, South Ossetia and the Democratic Republic of Congo."

krakhead 30-11-2008 08:46 PM


accuracy 01-12-2008 06:05 AM

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...-shark-485.jpg
Sometimes its just the fact that we don’t know what it is
that explains so much of life around us.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...itress-485.jpg
She was determined to keep her job as the pool waitress, but this was just a
bad day to forget her snorkel.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...escape-535.jpg
He had just finished typing “…and the dish ran away with the spoon”
when he saw this little guy trying to make a getaway

accuracy 01-12-2008 06:09 AM

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...e-case-485.jpg
Most airlines now carry an emergency meat kit in case one of
the passengers goes into vegetarian shock.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...zy-jet-584.jpg
Fasten your seat belts and kiss this planet goodbye.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...icious-485.jpg
Some nuts just aren’t worth fighting over

accuracy 01-12-2008 06:14 AM

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...ltdown-483.jpg
After the third quarterly loss was announced, you could
just see the blood drain from the CEO’s face.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...d-bank-976.jpg
The economic crisis caused a chain reaction of
exploding bank accounts all over the world.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...-sweat-593.jpg
In the supermarket it was well positioned, right next to the infamous
“sniff your butt” air freshener.

accuracy 01-12-2008 06:20 AM

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...babies-485.jpg
The house rules stated that you have to eat the cutest ones first.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...anding-485.jpg
When skateboarding meets break dancing, everyone loses.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...-seats-834.jpg
Cheap seats.

accuracy 01-12-2008 06:25 AM

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...f-crap-463.jpg
His whole life he had dreamed about floating away in a river of caramel,
only this wasn’t a river, and that stuff wasn’t caramel.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/.../plate-510.jpg
The food itself looked delicious, but the artsy table setting made people gag.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/...derbra-890.jpg
The ad was very effective, but they had to test out 147 different models
before they found one who could actually break glass.


End of slideshow:D

accuracy 02-12-2008 08:25 AM

Pregnancy Jokes

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.


A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.


accuracy 02-12-2008 08:30 AM

http://i438.photobucket.com/albums/q...f?t=1228210129

accuracy 02-12-2008 08:51 AM

Air bags for kids


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/child_safety_first.jpg

jayelowell 03-12-2008 04:04 AM


accuracy 03-12-2008 06:03 AM

Teamsters

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"


"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."


Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."


"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85
year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

accuracy 03-12-2008 06:09 AM

A Russian church


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/vKjeL5N8.jpg

accuracy 03-12-2008 06:12 AM

Sax gangsta


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/bDYACxLE.jpg


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