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-   -   A humour thread (https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=80)

accuracy 10-02-2007 10:57 AM

Chilly Weather
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/abithcilly354.jpg

accuracy 10-02-2007 11:03 AM

Lost
 
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?"

"No, sweetheart," she responds.

Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says.

"One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks.

"Oy, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn't send that one, either."

Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?"

Abe answers, "They'll find us!"

accuracy 10-02-2007 11:17 AM

Genie In A Bottle
 
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." The genie snapped his fingers and poof, the woman disappeared.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." The genie once again snapped his fingers and poof, the man disappeared.

"OK, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

accuracy 11-02-2007 07:44 AM

----- Subject: What would you do?

> A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a
> taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he
> asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was
> having
> an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
>
> For $100, the cabby agreed.
>
> Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the
> bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and
> there was his wife in bed with another man!
>
> The husband put a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouted,
> "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I
> inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for
> our new
> cabin cruiser. He paid for your football season tickets. He paid for our
> house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even
> pays
> the monthly dues!"
>
> Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the
> gun.
>
> He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"
>
> The cabby said, "I'd cover him up with that blanket before he catches
> a cold!"

accuracy 11-02-2007 10:57 AM

London Bridge
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bus373hell23.jpg

accuracy 11-02-2007 11:05 AM

Something Manly

A commercial video clip:

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4711&id=1

accuracy 11-02-2007 11:17 AM

Short Story
 
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/ge...shortstory.jpg

tonto is a faggot 11-02-2007 09:20 PM

Q)how many icke's does it take to change a light bulb ?



A)gimme 3 quid and ill tell ya :)

tonto is a faggot 11-02-2007 09:23 PM

http://img109.imageshack.us/img109//111pj0.jpg

accuracy 12-02-2007 10:21 AM

"Glade" plug ups
 
Glade you've done it again !

A commercial video clip:

http://www.ifilm.com:80/video/2822059

accuracy 12-02-2007 10:28 AM

By All Means Marry???
 
I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry.
That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
David Bissonette

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just
can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a
bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas

The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What
does
a woman want?"
Sigmund Freud

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
Henny Youngman

"I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years."
Sam Kinison

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic
banking. It's called marriage."
James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the
second
one didn't."
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it.
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it
once...
Anonymous

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
Anonymous

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You
can have
mine."
Anonymous

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

accuracy 12-02-2007 11:06 AM

Gonna Fail The Drug Test
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/unde827wege.jpg

accuracy 12-02-2007 11:10 AM

Retirement Bonus
 
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man ... "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop the pants. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said. "Where are your testicles?"
The general replied, "In Vietnam."

accuracy 12-02-2007 11:23 AM

Super Heros
 
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/pr...celesskids.jpg

accuracy 13-02-2007 10:22 AM

Missile Lunch
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/earth38quake2.jpg

accuracy 13-02-2007 10:31 AM

Advanced beerdrinking
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/231_2.jpg

accuracy 13-02-2007 10:45 AM

Irish Vasectomy
 
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that
was enough,
as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any
more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that
would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative
was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can,
then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest
guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can
next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit
a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and

began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5,"at which point he paused, placed the
beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other
hand.


This procedure also works in New Zealand and Tasmania.

accuracy 13-02-2007 10:49 AM

Smoked dollar bill
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/234_2.jpg

accuracy 13-02-2007 10:57 AM

Getting older
 
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/mi...es/zzolder.JPG

accuracy 14-02-2007 08:38 AM

The awful truth
 
http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/3...ultruthmi0.jpg

roxanna 14-02-2007 09:17 PM

This is gross but hey...

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a lady drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady a drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

accuracy 15-02-2007 10:07 AM

Give It To Mom
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/wahs838labels.jpg

accuracy 15-02-2007 10:16 AM

Poor dad
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/poor_dad.jpg

accuracy 15-02-2007 10:28 AM

The rude customer
 
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been > >withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Fuck You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

accuracy 16-02-2007 08:44 AM

Crazy jump
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/crazy_jump.jpg

accuracy 18-02-2007 08:23 AM

Easily Accessible
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/acce3restroom32.jpg

accuracy 18-02-2007 08:28 AM

Wild Things
 
An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

accuracy 18-02-2007 08:35 AM

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/si...zingundies.jpg

accuracy 18-02-2007 11:00 AM

Only in Australia
 
http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/2...fencingyf5.jpg

accuracy 19-02-2007 07:45 AM

Subject: English, Crazy Language ?

This is for those who think German is hard. Try these..

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. (huh?)

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted but if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by coming on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

accuracy 19-02-2007 08:34 AM

Subject: Las Vegas Churches

Pretty interesting--I did not know this


Las Vegas Churches



THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT

LIVING IN LAS VEGAS, BUT THERE ARE MORE CHURCHES

THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS,

THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND

THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN

AND CASHED IN.



THIS IS DONE BY CHIP MONKS!









OH, I AM SO SORRY, YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?



GOTCHA !!

accuracy 19-02-2007 08:42 AM

I'm cumin
 
http://img204.imageshack.us/img204/6...d389c6fgj6.gif

chocky pud 19-02-2007 09:55 AM

...and now for a change of subject...
 
There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

accuracy 20-02-2007 10:22 AM

Things Found Only in America
 
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

accuracy 20-02-2007 11:35 AM

New Stock
 
The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”
The new husband dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!” >

accuracy 20-02-2007 11:42 AM

Real addict
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/real_addict.jpg

accuracy 20-02-2007 11:45 AM

Cure for a cough
 
The owner of a drugstore walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall with an odd look on his face.

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here at 7 A.M. to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxatives."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

accuracy 21-02-2007 10:35 AM

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/mi...s/fuckitol.jpg

accuracy 22-02-2007 09:34 AM

New York Visit

Old couple visit New York, so they get out of the airport and get into a cab.
The cab driver asks them where are they from, so the old guy says they are from Canada. The old lady, being hard of hearing, yells "what did he say?". The old man replies: "HE ASKED WHERE WE ARE FROM I SAID WERE FROM CANADA!!!"
"What part of Canada are you from?", asks the driver. "We are from Ontario", replies the old guy.
The old lady says "what did he say?", so the old man replies, "HE ASKED ME WHAT PART OF ONATARIO WE ARE FROM I SAYD WE ARE FROM OTTAWA."
The driver then says "Ottawa. Worst piece of ass i ever got was in Ottawa.".
The old lady yells "what did he say?"
"HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU.", the old guy replies.

accuracy 22-02-2007 09:37 AM

Taking A Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a
masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the
stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave
the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave
birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into
the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and
this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16
years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened
16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened. You were
taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the
dog.'


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