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-   -   A humour thread (https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=80)

tru3 08-03-2007 01:32 PM

the legend of walking eagle
 
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of
American Indian Nations two weeks ago in Upstate New York. She spoke for
almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President.

*She referred to her career as a New York Senator, and how she had
Signed "yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval...
However, the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, but she
seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red
sisters and brothers." *

*At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator
with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.*

*The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the
crowds. A news reporter later made an inquiry to the chiefs of how they had
come to select the new name given to the Senator. *

*They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so
full of shit it can no longer fly.

-via email

h1s_l0rdsh1p 16-03-2007 10:18 AM

Just happened
 
Ok, here in The Netherlands, you have a sportsdrink called: AA Sports...


Now, I'm working here with a guy from England, and he asks me:
-Would you like a drink?

I tell him:
-No thank you. I'm in the middle of my AA.

So he replies:
-Well, that's great, but I was just offering a coke.


:D LOL

accuracy 11-04-2007 12:10 PM

Check out GENERAL CHAT in TheUnHivedMind ..
 
..for more humour?:)

--------------------

The UnHived Mind deserves to be number 1
in the Conspiracy site...(we all know that!)

Vote for The UnHived Mind everyday, offline or online
and don't forget to click on the UnHived Mind banner
as well,in the Top Conspiracy Site.

Vist :Guantanamo Bay-Prison-Torture, News Articles
...including David Hicks.
http://z13.invisionfree.com/THE_UNHI...hp?showforum=2

father ted 12-04-2007 06:34 PM

Hey accuracy, how come you only post in the humor section? And we can't private message you? (so I asked this question here):confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

accuracy 15-04-2007 02:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by father ted (Post 28175)
Hey accuracy, how come you only post in the humor section? And we can't private message you? (so I asked this question here):confused: :confused: :confused: :confused:

I think i've been kicking up a little stink, and they do not like me.
And no, i have a few threads within this forum.(You obviously have not checked them out.) But i have been posting in the unhivedMind
website.

Tony Stelmach

[email protected]

accuracy 15-04-2007 03:07 PM

Big spider

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/freak_you_out.jpg

accuracy 15-04-2007 03:11 PM

Stolen peanuts

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.

One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.

"Don't worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway," the old man replies. "Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M's."

accuracy 16-04-2007 09:13 AM

Hanging Station

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hangi39statio.jpg

accuracy 16-04-2007 09:16 AM

Doctor Affair

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet."

accuracy 16-04-2007 09:20 AM

Cough Treatment

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

accuracy 16-04-2007 09:22 AM

Redneck Birthday

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/redne98birthda.jpg

accuracy 16-04-2007 09:33 AM

Air Conditioner Ad

http://img137.imageshack.us/img137/4...irconadas0.jpg

accuracy 17-04-2007 06:45 AM

Extreme Skydiving

youtube video-01:18

http://img.youtube.com/vi/XZxo7IznQnk/2.jpg

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uJGkOepKEQc

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:06 AM

Iron My Shirt

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ioron39shirt.jpg

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:14 AM

Smart Investment

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

"Well, I have good news and bad news," the owner responded. "The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?"

"The gentleman was your doctor."

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:19 AM

Tarzan

When you have lots of imagination...

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/tarzan.jpg

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:23 AM

Turbo bike

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/turbo_bike.jpg

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:27 AM

Fallen crane

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/falling-crane.jpg

accuracy 17-04-2007 09:33 AM

Giant truck load

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/341.jpg

accuracy 18-04-2007 07:48 AM

moron's

Middle aged women should stay at home.

A must watch video clip!:D

http://www.ifilm.com:80/video/2844782

accuracy 18-04-2007 08:08 AM

Subject: Fw: Pregnancy questions answered

>> *_Pregnancy_**
>>
>> Q: Should I have a baby after 35?*/
>> A: No, 35 children is enough./*
>>
>> Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?*/
>> A: With any luck, right after he finishes high school./*
>>
>> Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?*/
>> A: Childbirth./*
>>
>> Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's
>> borderline irrational.*/
>> A: So what's your question?/*
>>
>> Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor,
>> but pressure. Is she right?*/
>> A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current./*
>>
>> Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?*/
>> A: Right after you find out you're pregnant./*
>>
>> Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is
>> in labor?*/
>> A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you./*
>>
>> Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?*/
>> A: Yes, pregnancy./*
>>
>> Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?*/
>> A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly./*
>>
>> Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act
>> normal again?*/
>> A: When the kids are in high school~!/
>>
>> //

accuracy 18-04-2007 08:17 AM

Just checking my care factor for the week.

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/1...8747ca0qw2.gif

Nope - Still don't give a shit.

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:00 PM

True Love Story

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/love94story.jpg

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:06 PM

Realizing

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realised that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:09 PM

Making A Fortune

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."

"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:13 PM

Boats

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Boats.jpg

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:15 PM

Dumb husband

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" he says.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his four-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, walks past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bastard," says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:34 PM

Mr. Bean - In The Hospital

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/vy9iQaZR.jpg

8 min. video clip.:D

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/...n_the_Hospital

accuracy 19-04-2007 12:48 PM

The ultimate wine glass

http://img292.imageshack.us/img292/2...neglassze1.jpg

accuracy 21-04-2007 12:31 PM

Nasty Eye Trick

http://img.shoutfile.com/t/t_LvJeJnVw.jpg

This guy has developed a rather disgusting skill with his eyes.

A short video clip:

http://www.shoutfile.com/v/LvJeJnVw/Nasty_Eye_Trick

accuracy 22-04-2007 06:58 AM

One for the Kiwi's!!

http://img134.imageshack.us/img134/4443/image001am8.jpg

accuracy 22-04-2007 07:36 AM

Huge Pile Of Chairs

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/H9tp2tTn.jpg

accuracy 22-04-2007 07:44 AM

Taxi Incident

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied, "I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."

accuracy 25-04-2007 11:50 AM

You Sure Have

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/beat38anorxe.jpg

accuracy 25-04-2007 11:52 AM

Two People

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

accuracy 25-04-2007 11:54 AM

Out Of Letters

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/stal0letters.jpg

accuracy 25-04-2007 12:05 PM

Urinal Assistance

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/7eZYtMBE.jpg

accuracy 26-04-2007 01:52 PM

Do Not Piss On An Electric Fence

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/DXWk9NXX.jpg

A short video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/...Electric_Fence

accuracy 26-04-2007 01:57 PM

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/84SBg8nh.jpg

accuracy 26-04-2007 02:04 PM

Bra Types

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, and walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man. "There is more than one type?"

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk. Confused, the man asked what were the types. The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type.Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?" The lady responded, "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.


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