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-   -   A humour thread (https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=80)

accuracy 23-02-2007 10:19 AM

New Door Guard
 
One more way to protect your home.

Double CLICK ON THE UNDERLINED DOOR GUARD BELOW.


http://img502.imageshack.us/img502/8...nggrans1jy.swf

accuracy 25-02-2007 09:08 AM

Subject: Fw: [ The Inspection]


A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer. "I'm going to inspect your farm."



The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field." The Ag
representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of the U. S.
Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish
on agricultural land." So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.



Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the
farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets
and the bull was gaining at every step.



The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"

accuracy 25-02-2007 09:11 AM

Subject: Fw: DEFINITION OF POLITICAL CORRECTNESSj


Following is the winning entry from an annual contest calling for the
most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year's term:



Political Correctness :


"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional,
illogical liberal minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is
entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

accuracy 25-02-2007 09:12 AM

Family Photo
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/big94hapyfamil.jpg

accuracy 25-02-2007 09:22 AM

Britney Spears unleashes a bizarre umbrella attack against paparazzi from X17 Online.

Watch it:-

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2826075?c...&lkdes=2826075

accuracy 25-02-2007 09:54 AM

Subject: Annual pick on men day! (sec=unclassified)

One for the ladies...

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
And they say blondes are dumb...
----------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
--------------------------------------
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today,"
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower,
"honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
--------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
--------------------------------------
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
-------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death
AMEN
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
-----------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
----------- ---------------------------
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
--------------------------------------

Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!

accuracy 26-02-2007 08:38 AM

Phone greeting
 
New Telephone Greeting:

Wouldn't it be pretty amazing, if this caught on, all over the
country...?

"GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES"

"Press "1" if you speak English." "Press '2' to disconnect until you
can.


If you agree......keep it going

accuracy 26-02-2007 08:53 AM

Neighbors Issues
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bado93nrighborring.jpg

accuracy 26-02-2007 08:59 AM

Dead Lawyer
 
A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer."
The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry, but he died last week."
The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

accuracy 26-02-2007 10:09 AM

Mercedes trap
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/mercedes_trap.jpg

accuracy 27-02-2007 08:54 AM

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/sta22607.JPG

accuracy 27-02-2007 09:44 AM

Subject: Fw: Male or Female


You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually
either male or female.
Here are some examples:



FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because
they hold everything in, but you can
see right through them

PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female,
because once turned off; it takes a
while to warm them up again.
They are an effective reproductive
device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can also wreak havoc if
you push the wrong buttons.

TIRES: Tires are male, because they
go bald easily and are often over
inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object,
because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire
under their ass.

SPONGES: These are female, because
they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.

WEB PAGES: Female, because they're
constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.

TRAINS: Definitely male, because they
always use the same old lines for
picking up people.

EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female
because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.

HAMMERS: Male, because in the last
5000 years, they've hardly changed at
all, and are occasionally handy to
have around.

THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You
probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost
without it, and while he doesn't
always know which buttons to push, he
just keeps trying

accuracy 27-02-2007 10:12 AM

Subject: Fwd: math









Mathematics
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+ 11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Don't you just Love it!!!

accuracy 27-02-2007 10:19 AM

>>Subject: Motorcycle Heaven
>>
>>
>>
>>Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died
>>and went to heaven.
>>At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good
>>man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you
>>can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
>>
>>Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, "I want to hang out
>>with God."
>>
>>St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>>invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"
>>Arthur said, "Yes, that's me."
>>God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
>>pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a
>>road?"
>>
>>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me,
>>but aren't You the inventor of woman?"
>>God said, "Yes."
>>
>>Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some
>>major design flaws in your invention:
>>
>>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
>>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
>>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.
>> >
>>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
>>
>>5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"
>>
>>Hmmmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>>
>>God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and
>>waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and
>>God read it.
>>Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to
>>Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my
>>invention than yours."
>
> __________________________________________________ _______________

louisehay 27-02-2007 11:09 PM

non
 
[IMG]http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/6...ingcampqp4.jpg[/IMG]

accuracy 28-02-2007 10:33 AM

As Good As New
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/asgoodanew233.jpg

accuracy 28-02-2007 10:37 AM

Mistakes Of Another
 
On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”

“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.

“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

accuracy 28-02-2007 10:41 AM

Cover Up
 
A drunk in a bar barfs all over himself. "Giddman", he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me".
"No problem", says the bartender, as he sticks ten bucks in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.".
So the drunk goes home and tells his wife the story. She reaches into his pocket and finds out not one but two tens. "Why is there so much money?", she asks.
"Oh , yeah, he crapped in my pants, too".

accuracy 28-02-2007 10:49 AM

Golf Balls
 
A man walks into an emergency room with two black eyes and a broken nose. The doctor asks him what happened.
"Well," says the man, "I was having a nice round of golf with my wife. She sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around, I noticed that one of the cows had something protruding from its rear end. Sure enough, when it lifted its tail, there was my wife's golf ball."
"And?" asked the doctor.
"Well," the man said, "that's when I lifted the cow's tail, pointed, and yelled to the missus, 'Hey, honey — this one here looks like yours!'"

accuracy 28-02-2007 11:38 AM

Safety first
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pic...ty-first_1.jpg

accuracy 28-02-2007 11:54 AM

Subject: Word Scrabble

>Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
>(Wait till you see the last one)!
>
>DORMITORY:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>DIRTY ROOM
>
>PRESBYTERIAN:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>BEST IN PRAYER
>
>ASTRONOMER:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>MOON STARER
>
>DESPERATION:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>A ROPE ENDS IT
>
>THE EYES:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>THEY SEE
>
>GEORGE BUSH:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>HE BUGS GORE
>
>THE MORSE CODE:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>HERE COME DOTS
>
>SLOT MACHINES:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>CASH LOST IN ME
>
>ANIMOSITY:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>IS NO AMITY
>
>ELECTION RESULTS:
>When you r earrange the letters:
>LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
>
>SNOOZE ALARMS:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
>
>A DECIMAL POINT:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>IM A DOT IN PLACE
>
>ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>TWELVE PLUS ONE
>
>AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
>
>MOTHER-IN-LAW:
>When you rearrange the letters:
>WOMAN HITLER
>
>
>Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
>too much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)
>
>Bet your friends haven't seen this one!!!
>
>

louisehay 01-03-2007 11:21 PM

Lonely man brought donkey to hotel room
 
********************/yrphzg

accuracy 02-03-2007 05:00 AM

Subject: FW: The Husband Store




A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York
City,
where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at
the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You
may
visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value
of
the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The
shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may
choose to
go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to
exit
the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On
the
first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where
the sign
reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice", she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good
Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 -
These men
Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With
Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous,
Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor,
where
the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor. There are
no men
on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women
are
impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband
Store.

PLEASE NOTE: **To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner
opened
a New Wives store just across the street.** The first floor
has
wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex
and
have money. The third through sixth floors have never been
visited



*********************

accuracy 02-03-2007 05:06 AM

Beware Of Cracks
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/butt37hole.jpg

accuracy 02-03-2007 05:11 AM

Peace And Quiet
 
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.
"Is everything okay, pal?", the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!".
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day".

accuracy 03-03-2007 07:55 AM

Nice Pipe
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/mans03sink2.jpg

accuracy 03-03-2007 08:02 AM

Vip
 
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.

The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"
The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."

Then the chief asked "Is it the governor?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."

The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"
The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."

This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"
The policeman calmly wispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."

roxanna 03-03-2007 01:53 PM

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

accuracy 04-03-2007 10:07 AM

http://www.bartcop.com/proof-warming.jpg

accuracy 04-03-2007 10:26 AM

GOOD KARMA – INSTRUCTIONS TO LIFE

1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.

3. Follow the 3 R’s:

· Respect for self

· Respect for others

· Responsibility for all your actions

4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

5. Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly

6. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

7. When you realise you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

8. Spend some time alone every day.

9. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

10. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

11. Live a good, honourable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

12. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

13. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

14. Share your knowledge. It is a way to achieve immortality.

15. Be gentle with the earth.

16. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

17. Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

18. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

19. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

accuracy 04-03-2007 10:48 AM

Subject: Fw: E-moonin'












We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:

:) means a smile and

:( is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by

:-)

:-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
Here goes:


(_!_) a regular ass



(__!__) a fat ass



(!) a tight ass



(_*_) a sore ass



{_!_** a swishy ass



(_o_) an ass that's been around

(_x_) kiss my ass


(_X_) leave my ass alone



(_zzz_) a tired ass



(_E=mc2_) a smart ass



(_$_) Money coming out of his ass



(_?_) Dumb Ass

accuracy 06-03-2007 10:00 AM

Subject: FW: Two Alligators!!!!



> >Two alligators sat in the swamp near Washington, DC. The smaller one turned
> >to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much
> >bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just
> >don't get it."
> >
> >"Well," said the big 'gator, "what ya been eatin', Boy?"
> >
> >"Politicians, same's you," replied the small 'gator.
> >
> >"Hmm. Well, where ya catch 'em?"
> >
> >"Down t'other side the swamp near the parking' lot, by the Capitol."
> >
> >"Same here. Hmm. How ya catch 'em?"
> >
> >"Well, I crawls up under one of 'em's Lexus and wait for 'em to
> >
> >unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit
> >out'em, and eat 'em!"
> >
> >"Ah !" says the big alligator, "I think I see yer problem. You ain't
> >gettin' any real nourishment. See? By the time you done shaking' the
> >shit out of a politician, there ain't nothing' left but an asshole and a
> >briefcase!"

accuracy 06-03-2007 10:41 AM

Priceless!
 
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/pr...esszclubin.jpg

accuracy 06-03-2007 10:45 AM

Caring.
 
http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/co...ivingadamn.gif

accuracy 07-03-2007 10:46 AM

More Uses
 
A very proper man started going into the neighbourhood pharmacy every week to buy 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week he would come in with the same order.

One day the pharmacist felt he had to say something to the man. "Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

"So," the pharmacist asked, "then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

accuracy 08-03-2007 08:28 AM

Proof of Global Warming
 
http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/5...1511951ko0.jpg

accuracy 08-03-2007 08:51 AM

Luxurious camping car
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pic...amping_car.jpg

accuracy 08-03-2007 09:01 AM

Ice bathing
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/269.jpg

accuracy 08-03-2007 11:14 AM

The new QANTAS SLOGAN
 
Quickies Available Now in Toilet Ask Staff

h1s_l0rdsh1p 08-03-2007 11:56 AM

Dirty Joke
 
(No offense to the scottish)

A guy walks into a bar hold an aquarium with an octopus inside of it.
He steps onto the stage, and takes the octopus out of the aquarium and puts it on a stool.

He tells everyone in the room that this octopus can play ANY musical insturment you give it. He told them that they would bet $50(american)dollars, and he gets the money if the octopus can play the insturment within 5 minutes. But if the octopus can't, the person gets all the money the guy won for the evening.

So one guy takes up the offer laughing, give the octopus a guitar and lays a fifty on the table.
Within a matter of seconds, the octopus picks up the guitar, and starts playing rythms that Hendrix would be jealous of.
Everybody is stunned. So another guy comes up with a trumpet. The octopus looks at it, studies it abit. Then starts playing some of the jazziest scat they've EVER heard.

Another guy moves the octopus over to a piano. The second the octopus sits down, he is play melodies that would make Mozart cry.

Finally, a scottsman walked over and gave the octopus some bag-pipes..

The octopus looks at it, and studies it.
He flips it over and studies it some more.

5 minutes have gone by, and the scottsman wants his money. The guys asks the octopus what is taking him so long, how come he hasn't figured out to play it?

the octopus replys:
"Play it? I was trying to figure out how to undress it to shag it!"


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