David Icke's Official Forums (https://forum.davidicke.com/index.php)
-   Have a Laugh (https://forum.davidicke.com/forumdisplay.php?f=17)
-   -   A humour thread (https://forum.davidicke.com/showthread.php?t=80)

accuracy 28-01-2007 11:59 AM

A humour thread
 
Subject: Sex with George Burns at 97 yrs of age!!

:-P
When George Burns was 97 years old he was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.
Oprah asked, "Mr. Burns, how do you carry so much energy with you? You are always working and at your age I think that is remarkable."
Mr. Burns said, "I just take good care of myself and enjoy what I do when I do it."
Oprah said, "I understand you still do the sex thing, even at your age."
George said, "Of course I still do the sex thing, and I am quite good at it."
Oprah said, "I have never been with an older man, would you do it with me?"
So they had sex and when they finished Oprah said, "I just don't believe that I have ever been so satisfied! You are a remarkable man."
George said, "The second time is even better than the first time.
Oprah said, "You can really do it again at your age?"
George said, "Just let me sleep for 1/2 hour. You hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and wake me up in thirty minutes."
When she woke him up, they again had great sex, and Oprah was beside herself with joy. She said, "Oh Mr. Burns, I am astounded that you could do a repeat performance and have it be better than the first time... At your age, Oh My, Oh My!!!"
George said that the third time would be even better. "You just hold my testicles in your left hand and my penis in your right hand and call me in thirty minutes."
Oprah said, "Does me holding you like that kind of recharge your batteries?"
George said, "No, but the last time I had sex with a black woman she stole my wallet!"

accuracy 29-01-2007 07:43 AM

Mother and baby
 
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies.
"O.K. Do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife.

"No, no boyfriend either.""Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm not attached, I'll be having my baby on my own."

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman,
"You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl, "I was very down on my luck, with no
money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porn film. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I`m very sorry," says the midwife, "that`s really none of my Business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions
but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see the co-star in the movie was this Swedish guy."
"Oh, I`m sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business either and I hate to pry further but your baby also has slanted eyes."
"Yes," continues the girl, "there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

At this, the midwife again apologises, collects the baby and
presents her to the girl,who immediately proceeds to give the baby a Good slap on the butt.

The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Thank god for that!"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.

"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."

accuracy 29-01-2007 07:49 AM

Choosing a wife
 
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among
three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and
watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon
gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and
dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.


The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set
of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive
clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several
times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the r
emainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much.


Obviously, the man was very impressed.


The man thought about what each woman had done with
the money he'd given her.






GUESS WHICH ONE HE MARRIED ??????????








the one with the biggest Tit's.


.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should
be a large elderly population with perky boobs and planned erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. If you don't
send this to five of your OLDER friends right away there will be five fewer
people laughing in the world.....

accuracy 29-01-2007 08:20 AM

Blonde Painter
 
This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

accuracy 29-01-2007 08:27 AM

Wrong Question
 
A video clip::)

Check it out:-

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4668&id=1

accuracy 29-01-2007 08:32 AM

Funny toothpaste
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/182_2.jpg

accuracy 29-01-2007 08:40 AM

What a woman can do
 
What a woman can do...... go check the video - unbelievable!


accuracy 29-01-2007 08:50 AM

Japanese artifical beach
 
This is where the japanese go to relax...

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/183_2.jpg

accuracy 30-01-2007 11:03 AM

Getting into the cold.
 
http://www.allhatnocattle.net/image009.jpg

accuracy 30-01-2007 11:09 AM

Thai Cuisine
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/thai329cuis3.jpg

accuracy 30-01-2007 11:12 AM

The Man That Loves Monkeys
 
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/25monkeystatue89037.jpg

accuracy 30-01-2007 11:20 AM

Barbie For Christmas

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

accuracy 30-01-2007 11:24 AM

Must Be Tasty

A commercial video clip::D

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4680&id=1

accuracy 01-02-2007 10:21 AM

Plane that hit a bird
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/181_2.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 10:24 AM

UPS (Ooops
 
http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/197_2.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 10:34 AM

A smile for you
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pic...le_for_you.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 10:42 AM

Doggy dentures
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pic...y_dentures.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 10:53 AM

Fake radar
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/fake_radar.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 11:02 AM

Natural gas
 
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Natural_gas.jpg

accuracy 01-02-2007 11:10 AM

Employee of the month
 
Workaholic

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/workaholic.jpg


All times are GMT. The time now is 05:41 PM.