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(much needed) HUMOUR THREAD


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Posted (edited)

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One night after a late shift driving a double decker around the rougher parts of Brighton I had to chill out on the computer before going to bed, this is what I came up with! The doctor told me I'm back to 'normal' now, and you have to believe the doctors don't you?  DON'T YOU? I once stuck a sticker on my works locker that read

'I couldn't come into work yesterday, the voices told me to stay home and clean all my guns'! One of the supervisors asked me to remove it because it made one of the other drivers nervous! :classic_ninja::classic_rolleyes: But, I'm cured now!?

Edited by Steven Tansell
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She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak, but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.


Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms that are growing wild down by the stream?
 
"No --- some wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
"Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK."
 
So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful.  Spot ate every bit.
 
All morning long, she watched the dog. The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success.
 
After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, "Mum, Spot is dead."
 
Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomachs and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm."
 
Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The  Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
 
Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now," and with that he left.
 
The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered and were sitting around in the living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum..... "I can't believe that guy!"
 
"What guy?"
 
"You know --- the bastard who ran over Spot ---- he didn't even slow down."

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1 hour ago, screamingeagle said:

 

Jesus walks into a hotel 

throws three nails on the counter

and says "can you put me up for tonight"

an oldie but a goodie

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Posted (edited)
12 hours ago, peter said:

an oldie but a goodie

Jesus looked down from the cross and mumbled something to Peter, but Peter couldn't understand what he'd said. Peter fetched a ladder and carried it two miles back to the cross, struggling all the way. He eventually got the ladder upright against the cross and gingerly climbe up the shakey ladder and said 'sorry lord, what did you say to me two hours ago'? And Jesus smiled and said 'I said, Peter, I can see your house from up here'! Peter said 'Apparently, Judas has just come into some money and he's throwing us a party later'!

Edited by Steven Tansell
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Posted (edited)
12 minutes ago, Steven Tansell said:

Jesus looked down from the cross and mumbled something to Peter, but Peter couldn't understand what he'd said. Peter fetched a ladder and carried it two miles back to the cross, struggling all the way. He eventually got the ladder upright against the cross and gingerly climbe up the shakey ladder and said 'sorry lord, what did you say to me two hours ago'? And Jesus smiled and said 'I said, Peter, I can see your house from up here'! Peter said 'Apparently, Judas has just come into some money and he's throwing us a party later'!

How do you know I'm half deaf ?

If  I hear someone  say Jesus or God my standard answer is yes , you should see some of the reactions,they range from confused to very pissed off either way it's very funny

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54 minutes ago, peter said:

How do you know I'm half deaf ?

If  I hear someone  say Jesus or God my standard answer is yes , you should see some of the reactions,they range from confused to very pissed off either way it's very funny

i'm usualy more silent tipe,just give them the looks(let them figure out)?

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Posted (edited)

This situation is not funny ,my young bloke works in a mental ward in a large hospital as an orderly and did stand up at night ,but that has been stopped because of the bullshit virus, he was telling me about the abstract conversations that he hears

I couldn't laughing about this one

One fellow went up to another room and asked if he could come in to look for something  ,this fellow himself was turning the place over looking for something and said no,the fellow at the door was persistent, look I just want to come in for a second I wont be long,  the fellow in the room said no, fuck off. So the fellow said said look mate I think  my underpants are in your room and I want them back ,to which the fellow in the room said look fuck off I'm trying to find my car keys so I can get out of here . Now they are both at the doorway one is accusing  other, one of having his underpants and the other of hiding  the car keys, straight out of something like monty python

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27 minutes ago, Basket Case said:


l can see Eve's boobies  :classic_ohmy:

Yes and that snake's got a smile on his face and that particular look in his eye:classic_ohmy:

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