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(much needed) HUMOUR THREAD


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FRUIT PICKERS WANTED

 

Sally Milligan from suburban Brisbane, read a job advertisement and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Queenslanders are not willing to do.

 

She submitted her application for a job in Gayndah Qld as a lemon picker but thought that she was too qualified for the job.

 

She had an arts degree from Griffith University and a master's degree from the University of Queensland.

 

For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a schoolteacher.

 

 

The farmer studied her job application, frowned, and said "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume".

 

However, I have to ask you, "Have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"

 

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have", she said.

 

 

"I have been divorced two times, owned three Holdens, voted twice for Kevin Rudd, and once for Bill Shorten".

The good news is she started picking yesterday!

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Subject: A Fart in Harrods...

A lady walks into Harrods jewellery department. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. 

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

 

 

 

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well!

Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

 

 

 

He politely greets the lady "How may we help you today?" 

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'What is the price of
this lovely bracelet?' 

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"

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Sometime between the massive success of his first single “Brown-Eyed Girl” and the extraordinary musical statement of Astral Weeks, Van Morrison walked into a New York studio and recorded thirty-one of his worst songs.

To be fair, he was terrible on purpose. What became known as Morrison’s “revenge” or Contractual Obligation album is perhaps the most distinguished of many record label f-yous. Comprised of over thirty songs supposedly recorded in an afternoon, with titles such as “The Big Royalty Check” and “Blow In Your Nose,” the work was, understandably, shelved. Apparently that was the point: Morrison wanted to get out of his contract with Bang Records and make a new home with Warner Brothers, and the Contractual Obligation songs were supposedly central to that transition. Morrison’s Bang Records contract stipulated quantity, not quality. The truth, about all of it, is a lot more interesting.

https://longreads.com/2019/08/29/shelved-van-morrisons-contractual-obligation-album/

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)
Brad lives in Melbourne (Explains a LOT)........he was sick of the World, of Covid-19, Chinese belligerence, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.
Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his garage, selected his favorite radio station and started his car to a slow idle.
 
Two days later, his neighbor realizing she had seen no sign of Brad for a while, peered thru the garage window to see Brad at the wheel of his car. Immediately she phoned emergency services. Police, firies and the ambulance arrived promptly.
 
After pulling Brad from his car and giving him a sip of water, he seemed as good as gold. Brad drives a Tesla. It now has a flat battery. He also votes Green.
Edited by peter
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