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(much needed) HUMOUR THREAD


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DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

 

 

August 31
Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia.
Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.
I watched the sunset from a deck chair by our pool yesterday.
It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home.
I love it here.

 

September 13
Really heating up now.
It got to 31 today.
No problem though.
Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.
I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

 

September 30
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.
Lots of palms and rocks.
No more mowing lawns for me!
Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
It's Paradise !

 

October 10
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.
How do people get used to this kind of heat?
At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit.
Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

 

October 15
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday..
Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.
Missed three days off work.
What a dumb thing to do..
Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

 

October 20
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.
By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.
The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.
I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

 

October 25
This wind is a bastard.
It feels like a giant blow dryer.
And it's hot as hell!
The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from  Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

 

October 30
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the air conditioner.
House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.
Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.
Why the hell did I ever come here?

 

November 4
Finally got the  air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.
Stupid ------------repairman.
thief.

 

November 8
If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to---------- throttle him.
--------- heat!
By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my ------------ clothes are soaking ------------- wet and I smell like baked cat.
-------------- place is the end of the Earth.

 

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.
I thought my--------------- arse was on fire.
I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my ----------- arse.
Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat      -----------------

 

November 10
The Weather report might as well be a ------------ recording..
Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and -------------- sunny.
It never ------------- changes!
It's been too hot to do anything for 2 ------------- months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.
--------------

 

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn --------- place?
Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the ----------- pool.
The only things that thrive in this ----------- hell-hole are the ------------ flies.
You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

 

November 20
Welcome to HELL!
It got to 45 -------------' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner gone in my car.
The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'
I wanted to shove the --------- car up his -------------- arse.
Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.
------------- Karratha!
What kind of sick, demented------------- idiot would want to live here!

 

December 1
WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!
You are ---------- kidding me!

 

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This is so fucking ridiculous and clownish, I just had to post it in the humour thread.

 

Quote

"We are confident that our program should continue to go ahead as it has. I am very confident this is a very safe and very, very effective vaccine."

 

https://www.smh.com.au/politics/federal/very-safe-top-health-experts-keep-faith-in-covid-19-despite-allergic-reactions-20210317-p57boo.html

 

Rumour has it, he gets paid commission for each 'very' he can slip in 🤣

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I am a Senager. (Senior teenager)

 

I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. 

 

I don’t have to go to school or work. 

 

I am paid an allowance every month. 

 

I have my own pad. 

 

I don’t have a curfew. 

 

I have a driver’s licence and my own car. 

 

 The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don’t have acne.  Life is great.

 

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds.  People get out of the way much faster now.

 

 Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers.  Now they drink like their fathers.

 

I didn’t make it to the gym today.  That makes five years in a row.

 

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”.  I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

 

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

 

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment.  Now it feels like a small vacation.

 

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

 

I don’t have grey hair; I have "wisdom highlights"!  I’m just very wise.

 

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

 

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators.  We haven’t met yet.

 

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

 

Of course I talk to myself.  Sometimes I need expert advice.

 

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I went in there.

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16 hours ago, peter said:

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA


True story....  😂
(l burnt the back of my legs on my second day so badly l couldn't sleep for a week.....in early November 😬 )
BC

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1 hour ago, Basket Case said:

stupid immunity.jpg

There is no new strain ,it's a mandatory subject taught in school in these modern times and now even the idiots think their clever

Remember no child will be left behind( everyone gets a trophy for participating)

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23 hours ago, Basket Case said:


True story....  😂
(l burnt the back of my legs on my second day so badly l couldn't sleep for a week.....in early November 😬 )
BC

In my younger days I was working in Boulder WA in a nickle refinery  as a contract sparkie , it reached 51C in the car park, you definitely had to watch where you would sit

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22 hours ago, peter said:

In my younger days I was working in Boulder WA in a nickle refinery  as a contract sparkie , it reached 51C in the car park, you definitely had to watch where you would sit

A few decades ago i spent 3 years

Not too far from armadale WA. one year it was 49 degrees 4 days a week. 

One guy i knew of from england spent 20 years in perth. He hated it.

Too much sunshine. He was pining for overcast sky, dark and drizzle even everything damp....anything is better than endless bright sunshine 

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On 3/19/2021 at 2:40 AM, DarianF said:

When politics was a bit more fun...

 

 

Fun for those pricks, how many people lost their job and their house after he floated the dollar, then came record   18%  interest rates , he said it was the recession we had to have . There was a street in Castle Hill, a north west suburb Sydney that received the dubious title of suicide alley.

Sorry I know this is the humor thread, but every time I see any of these pillars of society I get the shits

 

I got Hearing aids about 2 weeks ago they are that good I can even hear what I'm thinking , the downside is I didn't realize I was such a prick, but on the up side at least my misses has an off button now

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