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(much needed) HUMOUR THREAD


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Trump Injects Self With Ebola So He Can Defeat That Next

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https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-injects-self-with-ebola-so-he-can-defeat-that-next

 

Having absorbed and defeated COVID-19, president Trump then charged into the viral research lab at Walter Reed Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland to challenge more viruses to mess with him. "The doctors and nurses here are just excellent, raaahh!" Trump shouted as he ran through the halls. "Give me any plague! I'll beat the [expletive] out of it!"

 

Trump got into a collection of viral samples including Ebola virus, the deadly disease first identified in 1976 in South Sudan, and the Democratic Republic of the Congo. He injected himself with the Ebola sample then began running around the room shouting "Come on!" and "Git some!" He also shouted "WOOOO!" repeatedly and messed his hair up while slapping himself in the face.

"The fight is on baby! I can feel all the little Ebolas dying inside me. I gain strength in the wake of their sweet, sweet death," he screamed toward the tiled ceiling.

"This is an excellent hospital," Trump added after a few deep breaths. He then said to his driver, "Let's do a drive-by to show everyone I killed ebola too. They're gonna love this."

Edited by Lord Humungus
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Trump Stuffs Coronavirus And Mounts It On His Wall

article-7180-1.jpg

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-stuffs-coronavirus-and-puts-it-on-wall

 

There’s a new decoration in the White House: a stuffed coronavirus hanging on the wall above a fireplace. This was put up at President Donald Trump’s request after he defeated the virus himself.

 

“Biggest, most deadly virus ever,” Trump told reporters. “And I killed it. Because I’m strong and I don’t let these things bother me.”

The stuffed novel coronavirus is in a fearsome pose, its knob-like peplomers posed ready to attach to a cell wall to penetrate it and begin replication. “That’s how it looked coming at me,” Trump said. “But I stood my ground; I wasn’t going to let this thing dominate me. And when it was right on me -- POW! -- I hit it with some Regeneron. My idea.”

Trump says he now wants to add even more viruses to his trophy wall and plans to hold more Rose Garden ceremonies with close contact to lure them in.

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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

 

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

 

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging it's way down the middle of the street towards him.

 

BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

 

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

 

FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...

 

He runs up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opens the door rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However the casket crashes through the door, with the lid of the casket clapping

 

CLAPPITY-BUMP...
CLAPPITY-BUMP...
CLAPPITY-BUMP...

 

On his heels the man runs. Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
And...
..
..
..
..
..
..
..

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
The coffin stops!

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On 10/17/2020 at 8:58 PM, kestrel said:

 

We actually speak like that, how embarrassing!

 

And they have banned smacking and introduced a 'Hate Speech' Bill in Scotland!

 

Cultural genocide!

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