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A HUMOUR THREAD


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BRITISH HUMOR 

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!


FREE PUPPIES 
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.


FREE PUPPIES. 
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .. 
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR SALE BY
OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.


Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Children Are Quick
 
____________________________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:
Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

______________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his
hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
PASS IT AROUND AND MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH
don't shoot the messenger

 

 

 

 

 

 

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A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing £10 in 50p coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at Wickes deliver the f*cking bricks on time.'

 

 

 

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After 7 years training and several more years in public practice, a good friend of mine has been found guilty of gross professional misconduct and struck off. He can no longer work in the medical profession he devoted his life to.

He had sex with a patient. It was, he says, consensual. Neither was married, but rules are rules. Anyway, all that training down the drain.

(**Lifts glass...**)

Here's to Dave. A good mate and the best vet I've ever known.

 

 

 

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A man died one day and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

 

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

 

St. Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks. Everyone on earth has a lie-clock. Every time you lie the hands on the clock will move."

 

"Oh," said the man as he pointed at one of them, "Whose clock is that?"

 

St. Peter replied, "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

 

"That's incredible, " said the man.

 

St. Peter pointed to another clock, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe only told two lies in his entire life."

 

The man was impressed, and then asked, "Where's Boris Johnson's clock?"

 

St. Peter said, "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

 

 

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Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends and workmates:

 

"Two Soups" his real name is Campbell Baxter.

 

"The Colostomy" - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

 

"The Boomerang Kid" - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: ' I'll get back to you on that. '

 

"The Parachute" - lets everyone down at the last minute.

 

"Vaseline" - his real name is Willie Burns.

 

"Rembrandt" - loves saying to colleagues: ' Let me put you in the picture...'

 

"Bo Derek" - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

 

"The Genie" - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

 

"Dulux" - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

 

"Soapy" - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

 

"The Yeti" - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy,

but nobody can prove he actually exists.

 

"The Gas Man" - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

 

"The Hostage" - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my hands are tied.'

 

"The Olympic Flame" - he never goes out!

 

 

 

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