Grumpy Grapes Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 (edited) 4 hours ago, Mitochondrial Eve said: Police driver: "Damn. It worked for James Bond in that Lotus Esprit" Edited January 9 by Grumpy Grapes 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 A recent survey on the most useless things to find in hotel rooms resulted in 99.00% Asylum seekers and the other 1% are those silly little kettles! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lobster Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 21 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said: A recent survey on the most useless things to find in hotel rooms resulted in 99.00% Asylum seekers and the other 1% are those silly little kettles! Those silly little kettles are great for boil washing your rancid socks. Bet you never use one again ? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avoiceinthecrowd Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 It's Never Too Late Ray Kroc joined McDonald's at 52 Henry Ford started Ford at 40 Harland Sanders started KFC at 65 Richard Samela won an argument with his wife at 54 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
webtrekker Posted January 9 Share Posted January 9 Another one I nicked from a TCW poster ... Donald Trump and Barack Obama ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Barack was quick to stop him, jokingly saying, "No thanks. My wife, Michelle, will smell that and think I've been in a brothel." The second barber turned to Donald and said, "How about you, Mr. Trump?" Donald replied, "Go right ahead, my wife, Melania, doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 7 hours ago, lobster said: Those silly little kettles are great for boil washing your rancid socks. Bet you never use one again ? I get very angry when I see one of those kettles, they put me in a rage right away, in fact, those fucking things really boil my piss! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 (edited) three men tried to rob fancy dress party goers, one was dressed as a mobile phone, and the other two were dressed as fireworks, they were arrested a short while later! THE POLICE CHARGED THIS ONE! BUT LATER ON, LET THESE TWO OFF! Edited January 10 by Mr Crabtree 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 (edited) Edited January 10 by Mr Crabtree 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 NEWSFLASH -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- BREAKING NEWS, HOLLYWOOD MAY SOON BE RENAMED == FIREWOOD! -------------- ------------ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 10 Share Posted January 10 QUESTION= What was Mickey Mouse's old dog called? ANSWER= MINNIE! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Millwall fan? Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning, and tells YOU to fuck off! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lobster Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said: What do you get if you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a Millwall fan? Someone who knocks on your door on a Sunday morning, and tells YOU to fuck off! The jehovah's have black listed me, they knock I invite them in and reach for my bible with post it notes on the best pages then I set off on a theological discussion for two or three hours. they never come back Edited January 11 by lobster Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 1 hour ago, lobster said: The jehovah's have black listed me, they knock I invite them in and reach for my bible with post it notes on the best pages then I set off on a theological discussion for two or three hours. they never come back They knocked on a door, the man opened it and said hello, the explained who they were and he said 'come in lads, and I'll put the kettle on'! They followed him in, he said 'sit down, tea'? they said thank you and he said 'I've got some lovely strawberry jam scones, and he gave them a tea and a scone each and said 'right lads, what's this Jehovah stuff all about then'? They looked at one another and stayed silent for a minute, so the man said 'well say something, what happens now'? The leader said 'we don't know really, we've been doing this for twenty years, and we've never got this far before'! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
webtrekker Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 The Jehovah Witnesses aren't tolerated around here. The Police have had to shuffle them away into hideaways. Witness Protection, I believe it's called! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
No Way Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 On 1/9/2025 at 4:28 PM, Mr Crabtree said: A recent survey on the most useless things to find in hotel rooms resulted in 99.00% Asylum seekers and the other 1% are those silly little kettles! I am from the AD(ok)L [Anti Defamation (of kettles) League]. Your horrific antikettlist post has been brought to my attention. I urge you to re-educate and re-programme yourself. I have attached a short video below to help with that. Shame on the rest of you for encouraging such posts of hatred against kettles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 47 minutes ago, No Way said: I am from the AD(ok)L [Anti Defamation (of kettles) League]. Your horrific antikettlist post has been brought to my attention. I urge you to re-educate and re-programme yourself. I have attached a short video below to help with that. Shame on the rest of you for encouraging such posts of hatred against kettles. I feel I must apologise to all kettles for getting steamed up and flipping my lid about such sweet little things, and, for not getting a proper handle on things before spouting off about these little Water 'otters, regardless of colour, shape, origins etc! I certainly don't want to get into any hot water with the relevant authorities for pouring out my true feelings about this subject! Hang on, there's someone at the door, it could be my carer coming to loosen the straps on my straitjacket, let me hide my pencil, I'm not really allowed to have anything sharp! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 4 hours ago, webtrekker said: The Jehovah Witnesses aren't tolerated around here. The Police have had to shuffle them away into hideaways. Witness Protection, I believe it's called! Someone crashed into a coach load of them here on Brighton seafront yesterday, the driver of the coach had superficial cuts from the shattered windscreen, police are appealing for any witnesses to come forward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lobster Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 16 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said: I feel I must apologise to all kettles for getting steamed up and flipping my lid about such sweet little things, and, for not getting a proper handle on things before spouting off about these little Water 'otters, regardless of colour, shape, origins etc! I certainly don't want to get into any hot water with the relevant authorities for pouring out my true feelings about this subject! Hang on, there's someone at the door, it could be my carer coming to loosen the straps on my straitjacket, let me hide my pencil, I'm not really allowed to have anything sharp! There is an element of truth in what you say 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
78ast78dgyad Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 22 minutes ago, 78ast78dgyad said: Who'd a thunk it? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 4 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said: Someone crashed into a coach load of them here on Brighton seafront yesterday, the driver of the coach had superficial cuts from the shattered windscreen, police are appealing for any witnesses to come forward! There were 56 witnesses on the coach, but none of them saw anything when the accident happened, apparently they were all looking up at I360 and wondering if Wetherspoons were really going to buy it and turn it into a theme pub? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pi3141 Posted January 11 Share Posted January 11 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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