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A HUMOUR THREAD


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Recently I post a joke about my sciatica, and now I can't find it, if it helps at all, it was about a weak back!🤔

 

What's red, and, invisible? NO TOMATOES!

 

When she was a child, Vera Lynn's dad often knocked over pheasants with his car and usually brought them home to cook, this inspired young Vera to write that famous song 'Wheel Meat Again'! Apparently she did quite well out of it!

 

I bought some badly fitting trousers from a town in greater Manchester! ALTRINGHAM? Nah, I'll just take 'em back!

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8 hours ago, webtrekker said:

Spent a pleasant few hours at my neighbour's house today, having a chat and playing with her Schnauser. She says she is thinking of getting a dog later this year.

 

 

 

Father O'Reilly said' Paddy where did you get that black eye'? Paddy said 'I was sitting on the settee next to Murphy's wife when he came home from the pub, ran over to me and punched me in the eye, for nothing really'! Father O'Reilly said 'didn't you have anything in your hands you could have hit him with'? Paddy said 'Only Mrs Murphy's tits father, and they're no much good in a fight'!🥴

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On 6/17/2024 at 1:50 AM, webtrekker said:

Spent a pleasant few hours at my neighbour's house today, having a chat and playing with her Schnauser. She says she is thinking of getting a dog later this year.

 

 

 

My dog had been constipated for over a week, today he had a massive crap on the drive, and it looked like there was some writing mixed into the mess, I dashed indoors to fetch my specs, because  I can't read shit without wearing my glasses!

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On 6/17/2024 at 10:50 AM, webtrekker said:

Spent a pleasant few hours at my neighbour's house today, having a chat and playing with her Schnauser. She says she is thinking of getting a dog later this year.

 

 

 

She must have a big nose

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My local butcher has been told he's clinically obese!

'OH, AND WHAT DOES HE WEIGH'?🤔

Meat usually you prat, he's a butcher!🫢

 

Wayne Rooney thinks '50 shades of grey' is a mail order bride website!🥴

 

My nephew went on a speed dating night and one of the girls he met was as flat chested as an ironing board she asked him what sort of plants did he like?When he replied 'implants' it didn't get the laugh he was hoping for, has anyone else ever been banned from a speed dating night before?😄

 

I wanted to know more about the Jewish religion so I rang up the local Rabbi and asked for a few tips, he sent me about a dozen in a jiffy bag!🫢

 

My wife just got me a gift, it's a coffee cup with my photo she took last week printed on it, I thought at the time 'is she taking me for a mug'?🤔

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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I booked a table at a Chinese restaurant to celebrated my wife's birthday, when we arrived I was told that the restaurant was full and we hadn't got a reservation!🤔

And it was only then that I realised we were at the Wong Foo King Restaurant!🥴

 

They've started a new lottery in Greenland, but apparently, you have to be Innuit to win it!🤔

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2 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

I booked a table at a Chinese restaurant to celebrated my wife's birthday, when we arrived I was told that the restaurant was full and we hadn't got a reservation!🤔

 

I took my wife on the spur of the moment to an indigenous American Indian restaurant. They asked if I had a Reservation. I said, 'No, but I had expected YOU to have one!'

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by webtrekker
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My grandson has been asked to wear a 'Vote for Keir Starmer'  tee shirt for a week by his teacher as a social experiment to see what people's reactions would be!

A day into the experiment and he's already been shouted at, spat at, had a couple of eggs thrown at him and been punched and kicked, I can't wait to see what happens when he actually leaves the house!

FREE TOILET ROLL WITH EVERY VOTE, INSTEAD OF TALKING SHIT, HE CAN BE WIPING IT AWAY!

download(18).jpg.90ed6ae9f8be1db0db294ec14097a740.jpg

 

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13 hours ago, webtrekker said:

From The Daily Fail, Tues 25 June, 2024.

And to think, I used to have a soft spot for German Shepherds ...

 

 

shepherd.png.53b55cec0727c324db9a73537ee7e7af.png

 

 

 

I bet that's not mint sauce running down his leg into his wellies!  Das ficken fettkraut schaf ficker!🥴

The big German shepherd next door to us used to leap the fence and do a massive crap in our kids sandpit, after a while I'd had enough and complained to the people next door! It didn't stop him though, in fact his dog started jumping the fence along with him and crapping on our patio!🫣

I never spoke to the Schicklegrubers ever again after that!🤔

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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A few years ago a mate and myself went backpacking to India for three months! We walked out of the airport and he said 'let's go and find some Bombay Mix'!

I thought 'fuck me, we're just off the plane and already he wants to find an Irish theme pub'!🥴

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