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A HUMOUR THREAD


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After living next door to the same couple for 25 years I've only just realised they love loud military music as much as I do, in fact they've just put a brick through my living room window so that they can hear it better!👍 Her husband shouted 'do you know the police are on the way'? I must admit that that particular title must have slipped past me somehow!🤔

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Posted (edited)

I was thinking how hard it would be to kidnap Hollie Willoughby, you couldn't gag her because Phillip Schofield AND ITV tried all that, so maybe a TV Doctor would be easier?🤔

 

When my mother in law started crying, all I could think of was 'wow, these knuckledusters really do do the trick'!

 

If the UK  had 'Morality Police' there wouldn't be enough prisons to put us all in!

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Posted (edited)

Shark, Lobster, Crab and Scouser, which is the odd one out?

Answer = Shark! The others all wear shell suits and pinch like fuck!🫣

 

I saw this poor old lady fall down the escalator today, I know she was poor because when I ran off with her purse there was only a couple of quid in it!🤔

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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My neighbour's son met a girl online and I asked him how it was going? He said 'Well I took her clubbing and then she went home, I've texted her, phoned her, she's just ignoring me completely'!🤔 I said 'did you offend her in some way Tim'? He said 'No, I paid for her cab, and, I even said she could keep the two dead seals if she wanted to'!🤫

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My daughter had been in hospital having her tonsils out and my friend 'Dyslexic Dave' and his Mrs 'Large Marge' wanted to get her something to cheer her up and asked what she was into? I said 'at the moment she's well into Minecraft'! Well, they truly surprised her, there's not many 14 year olds get an autographed copy of 'MEIN KAMPF' to cheer them up!🤔

 

Last year he glued himself to the road outside the local garden centre with a big placard saying 'TOP SOIL NOW'!!!

 

How long does it take to cure dyslexia?

How long's a police of sting?

 

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My old neighbour has recently died of multiple head wounds after trying to hang himself with a bungee rope after tying it to the branch of a cherry tree in his garden, tying the other end around his neck then jumping twenty feet to the ground!

 

I recently went to a concert to see 'The Propeller heads' they're a Kirsty McColl tribute band!

 

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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I've just discovered that Frank Sinatra, Tony Bennett, Sammy Davis Junior and Dean Martin all died of 'Crooner Virus'!🥴

 

I once rang the Arthritis helpline and the switchboard lady said 'can you hold'?

TWAT!

 

My doctor warned me that drinking brake fluid will eventually kill me! That's just  load of bollocks, I CAN STOP ANYTIME I WANT TO!

 

I saw an old lady in the corner of our local playing field feeding the seagulls, I had to smile to myself, she's been dead about a week now and still doing her bit for the local wildlife!👍

 

We once had a Xmas tree I called Amy Winehouse because it had died, and left needles everywhere!🤭

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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I've got an amazing plan to make  few quid, I'm going to get a doctor's appointment, and then, SELL IT OFF ON EBAY TO THE HIGHEST BIDDER!🤫

 

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had and he started counting, but then, he fell asleep!🤭

 

 

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I've just built a car, out of magic mushrooms, I might go for a trip in it later!

 

 

Daddy, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is please?

NO SUN!

Fuck you you ignorant bastard, I'll go and ask Mummy!

 

If Benny and Bjorn had been known as Steve and Dave that Swedish pop group would have been called ASDA!

 

I walked past a woman in the street talking to her cat as if she thought the cat could really understand her!🫢

When I got home, I told the dog and he said 'what a thick bitch' and laughed his bollocks off!🥴

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I heard a Royal Mail delivery joke today, and as usual I didn't get it, I've been in touch with the sorting office, but ,no joy so far!🤔

 

When someone say's 'Can I ask you a question'? they actually mean two questions if you look at it logically!🤔

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I've always had a weird sense of humour and once I actually got fired from my job for laughing at work🤔 fuck 'em anyway, I never wanted to drive a hearse in the first place!

 

I never got the postman job either, my wife say's it's my fault because during the interview I told them about my hobby of being an avid stamp collector!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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My dear old mother used to slave 10 to 12 hours a day to put food on our table, I've never known anyone else, ever,  who took that long to cook a dinner!🤔

 

Ferris wheels are predominantly made of steel, if they were made of Aluminium, they'd be non-ferrous wheels!

 

I had a Russian uber driver the other day, I asked his name and he said he was called Pikup Andropof!🫢

 

I saw a bloke being thrown from a balcony during a fight at a nightclub, I don't know who he was, but, I do know he wasn't a bouncer by the splat noise he made when he hit the pavement!

 

I bought some chicken drumsticks today, which was a waste of money, it turns out the chicken can't even play the drums, he's more a Tambourine man apparently!

 

On youtube today there was a German engineer who actually made an electronic organ from ten German sausages! It was the Wurst album I'd ever heard!

 

 

 

I met a French prostitute in Pakistan, Lahore? oui mon ami!

 

An Ofsted report on the school at the end of my street say's 'IT LACKS VISION'!  Which is hardly surprising really, it's a blind school!

 

'I'm just off for forty winks' is an innocent enough phrase over here, but it will get you some really funny looks in South Africa!🥴

 

I was once touched up by a children's entertainer on a school trip to a Spanish city! 

Sevillle?

No, Rolf Harris actually!

 

I wouldn't say my wife is useless, but, she once tried to open a tin of Pedigree Chum and made  right dog's dinner of it!🥴

 

My Columbian mate is opening a drug counter in a main supermarket chain,

he's gonna call it Pablo's Tescobar'!

 

Workers at our local clock factory are going on strike over better pay and better conditions, they said they are going to strike on the hour, every hour!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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