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A HUMOUR THREAD


Guest Gone Fishing...

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I advertised my motorbike in the local ads newspaper, a geezer rang up and said he might be interested, depending on my reply  to the question, 'What's the lowest you could go on it'?

I said ' 2 miles an hour, anything lower than that and it's liable to topple over'! Suddenly the line went dead, and he never did ring back!🤔

 

The local zoo had a closing down sale, so I bought my friend Tarquin an elephant for his room, he said 'Thanks very much'! I said 'Don't mention it'!

 

My maiden aunt died of  Hay Fever last week, Rest In Peace Auntie Histermine!

 

A tourist was driving through a tiny Welsh town and he stopped his car and asked a local if he knew of a urinal anywhere in the town? The village idiot said 'I know a Hugh Jones, and I know a Hugh Davis, but I've never heard of a Hugh Rinal, 🤔 the best you can do is ask at the police station'! The tourist said 'thank you very much, where is the police station please'? The man replied 'about 200 yards down the road on the right hand side, you can't miss it, it's directly opposite the public toilets!🥴

 

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14 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

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I was up there two weeks ago, just visiting my Alloys and my Rolex, I had three nights bed and board, to be honest, the bed was a board, and the boarding house? just a house that had been boarded up, but it was cheap enough for a few overnight stays! There was a sign up saying 'Please be in bed before I am'!🫣 I had another look and realised it actually read 'PLEASE BE IN BED BEFORE 1 A.M.' 🥴

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English Teeth, English Teeth!
Shining in the sun
A part of British heritage
Aye, each and every one.


English Teeth, Happy Teeth!
Always having fun
Clamping down on bits of fish
And sausages half done.


English Teeth! HEROES' Teeth!
Hear them click! and clack!
Let's sing a song of praise to them -
Three Cheers for the Brown Grey and Black.

 

~ Spike Milligan

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

a white horse walked into a bar and the barman said 'why the long face'? The horse replied 'shut yer yap and gimme a whiskey, make it a double'! The barman said, We've got Johnnie Walker, Bells, Jameson and we've even got one named after you'!👍 The horse said 'don't take the piss, who would name a whiskey Cyril'?

The horse looked over into the corner and spotted Quasimodo sitting there with an empty glass, so he shouted across 'Hey Quas, d'yer fancy a top up'?

Quasimodo nodded eagerly and held up his glass towards the barman  'The Bells, the Bells'! The barman said 'what's that big bulge in your pocket Quas'?

Quasimodo replied 'mind your own business'! Then he looked at the White horse and said 'actually, it's a photo of my dad, but, he's got the hump with me at the moment, that's why I'm hitting the Bells to be honest, between him and Esmerelda they're driving me mad you know'!

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Posted (edited)

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish, and he'll be scouring the internet night and day buying 'just one more essential , must have item' of tackle!

 

Me, talking about myself!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Posted (edited)

I've been checking out my family tree { picked  few bananas whilst I was up there 🤫} and I've traced two ancestors who were involved in historic battles!

1/ my great, great, great uncle Arthur was killed at the 'Battle of Little Big Horn' June 25th 1876, he wasn't actually a soldier, he was camping in the next field, and went across to tell them to keep the noise down, and an Arapaho brave threw a Tomahawk at his head and killed him!🫣

2/ 

Charlie Titters a distant relative on my Mother's side was originally a court jester, but became  an archer at the Battle of Hastings in 1066, and reputedly King Harold said to him 'You, the archer third from the left, yes you, stop fucking about with that bow and arrow before you have some fucker's eye out, point it towards the enemy you pillock'!

The rest as they say, is history!

I'm now looking into a relative's history who happened to be the 'Health and Safety' inspector on board the Titanic!🤔 He was also the entertainments officer, and when he running around shouting 'Abandon ship' people mistakenly thought he was shouting ' a band on ship' and headed towards the Cabaret area instead of the Lifeboats!🫣 Earlier on that evening he was mistaken for a Steward 'when some rich passenger bawled at him 'bring me a whisky, and plenty of ice'!

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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On 5/14/2024 at 5:31 AM, Mr Crabtree said:

a white horse walked into a bar and the barman said 'why the long face'? The horse replied 'shut yer yap and gimme a whiskey, make it a double'! The barman said, We've got Johnnie Walker, Bells, Jameson and we've even got one named after you'!👍 The horse said 'don't take the piss, who would name a whiskey Cyril'?

The horse looked over into the corner and spotted Quasimodo sitting there with an empty glass, so he shouted across 'Hey Quas, d'yer fancy a top up'?

Quasimodo nodded eagerly and held up his glass towards the barman  'The Bells, the Bells'! The barman said 'what's that big bulge in your pocket Quas'?

Quasimodo replied 'mind your own business'! Then he looked at the White horse and said 'actually, it's a photo of my dad, but, he's got the hump with me at the moment, that's why I'm hitting the Bells to be honest, between him and Esmerelda they're driving me mad you know'!

 

I've heard Quasi never paid for a round in his life, even though he always told the barman, "I'll pay you when I get straight!"

 

 

 

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36 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

my great, great, great uncle Arthur was killed at the 'Battle of Little Big Horn' June 25th 1876, he wasn't actually a soldier, he was camping in the next field ...

 

Such a small world! I too had a distant uncle from Newcastle who happened to be a scout for Custer at Little Big Horn.

 

One day, before the battle, Custer said to him, "Geordie, pop over yonder hill and see if you can spot any injuns."

 

"Nee botha, Custer marra. Aa'l be back in a jiff."

 

Three days later Geordie returns.

 

"Well, tell me dear boy, did you see any injuns?"

 

"Bloody loads of them Custer, dancing around and banging drums."

 

"Hmm... Tell me Geordie, were they WAR drums?"

 

"Nah. They were THEIR drums, Custer!"

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