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A HUMOUR THREAD


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DOCTOR: I'm afraid you have Turbo Cancer Mr Smith, complicated by blood clots, Myocarditis, and GB Syndrome. It will severely affect your mortality.

 

SMITH: (Panic stricken...) Give it to me straight Doc, How long have I got.

 

DOCTOR: 10, ...

 

SMITH: (Cheering up now ...) What? Years? Months? Weeks? ...

 

DOCTOR: ... 9, ... 8, ... 7, .............................................

 

 

 

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Posted (edited)

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My friend Tomas who lives in Benidorm went to her funeral last year. He said it was quite bizarre, they put the coffin inside Vicky, and then a gynecologist reached into Vicky and pulled out the wreaths, and the flags at half mast, plus  a three foot high potted palm tree, good old Vicky,  she was a trouper to the end!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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My wife caught me drinking brake fluid, she said 'that could kill you' I said 'Why? I'm not addicted to it, I can stop anytime, just like that'!🥴

A girl asked me for a dance at a friend's wedding, I said 'Sorry love, I can't dance, I've got two left feet'🥴 In fact I've only just bought myself a pair of new Flip-Flips!

I once asked Rosie Jones for a dance, but fell asleep waiting for her to reply!🫣

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My dork of a brother persuaded his wife to smuggle his coke through customs by sticking it up her arse, dopey bastard didn't know he could get another can from the vending machines in the departure lounge!🤔

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My cousin's wife failed her driving test this morning, my cousin said 'bad luck love, what did the examiner pull you up on'?🤔 She said ' A rope, the car's still in the river somewhere'!🫣

 

Sarah Jessica Parker boasts that her and her husband have never spent a single  night apart in 31 years, poor man, waking up every morning must be like that scene in The Godfather'!🥴

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People who say 'He's alright really, one you get to know him'! Actually mean 'He's a bit of a cunt, but you'll get used to it'!

I've been paying ten pounds a month to the Cat's Protection League for over two years now👍 I missed this month's payment and someone came around and broke my cat's legs!🥴

I pulled a long nose hair out today, just as an experiment to see if it hurts? The way the bloke sleeping in the seat next to me leaped up and started screaming, I suppose it must do!

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