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A HUMOUR THREAD


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4 minutes ago, webtrekker said:

My old mate does a lot of charity work for the RSPCA, going around collecting money dressed as a giant rabbit.

 

Every day, around lunchtime, he pops into the local boozer for a pint and a toasted sarnie. Sometimes ham & cheese, sometimes cheese & onion, ... it varies depending on his mood.

 

Anyway, I hadn't seen him for a long time until I bumped into him the other day, and he looked dreadful. I said, "What's up with you mate, I haven't seen you for ages?" to which he replied, "I've been very ill. Touch and go."

 

"Bloody hell mate," says I, "What caused that?"

 

'Mixing-me-toasties,' he replied!

 

Jabbed!

Does he go into pubs wearing the rabbit costume? 😆

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, DaleP said:

 

Jabbed!

Does he go into pubs wearing the rabbit costume? 😆

Reminds me of when I was a rabbit poacher in my younger days when I could actually run🥴 one of my ferrets, a polecat jill called Hecate went off her food, so I took her to the vet! He very gingerly examined her, agreed that she was a bit thin and asked what I feed her on? I said I fed her on dead mice which I dipped in food dye to make them more attractive, she had red ones, yellow ones, blue ones, pink ones, and orange ones! He said 'Well, that's the problem right there, she's not getting enough greens'!🤭

download(71).jpg.95cac810ed14eaad405e795a6f7917e1.jpg

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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I knew a man who had all his toes amputated due to gangrene, and it made him very angry and very nasty to other people, the doctor sent him to see a shrink who diagnosed him as 'Lack Toes Intolerant'!🫣

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The NHS have launched a new Gambling Addiction Clinic, I applied online for an appointment and got really excited when it came in for next Tuesday at twenty to one!

What are the odds on that, 'eh?

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Sorting through some of our old music stuff today and my wife found a record by Stevie Wonder, 'remember this one by Stevie Wonder ? isn't she lovely'? I said 'yeah, but how did that cunt know anyway'?😎

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'DO NOT TOUCH' must be one of the scariest things to read in Braille!

 

I've just called 'The Whistle Blowers Helpline' now I'm deaf in one ear!🥴

 

A bloke was taking his scruffy little mutt for a walk, fancied a pint, but the pub had a sign 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY' on the door, he thought 'fuck this' so he put on his sunglasses and went in! The barman said 'only guide dogs in here mate, sorry'! The man said 'it is a guide dog'! The barman laughed and said 'fuck off mate, guide dogs are usually Labradors or German Shepherds'! The bloke reached down to his mutt and said 'what have those bastards given me'?🤔

 

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Posted (edited)

I went to the optician and he said can you read this card? I said 'yes, A N V K D S E B O P D F G L Z' I said 'is that an eye test card'? He said 'No, it's off my Auntie who gone to the Isle of Wight on holiday, I think she's got Dementia'!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Bruce Willis has been named as a visitor to Epstein's Island, he swears blind that he can't even remember ever going there!🤔

The doctor said I have ADHD, at least that's what I think he said, I wasn't really paying attention!🥴

I can remember when Fiona Phillips presented Breakfast Television, she can't!🤔

Henry Stanley= Doctor Livingstone I presume'?

Doctor Livingstone= 🤔' FUCKED IF I KNOW, WHO ARE YOU ANYWAY'?🥴

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On 5/1/2024 at 3:41 PM, DaleP said:

 

Jabbed!

Does he go into pubs wearing the rabbit costume? 😆

I took my wife to the pub, well it saved me having to kiss her goodbye I suppose🫣 anyway, a bloke came in in black boots and socks, black shirt and shorts, wearing a whistle around his neck and carrying a football! I said to her, 'drink up, we're going'! She said 'Why'?🤔 I said 'because he's a twat and he's going to kick off in a minute'!🥴

 

Years back I went to a club and the doorman said 'you can't come in without a tie, so, fuck off'🥴 So I did, but only back to my car to see what I could find in the boot? Ten minutes later I went back to the doorman he said 'what's that tied around your neck'? I said 'jump leads, I couldn't find a tie and it's my birthday today, let me in mate, Please'!

Him and his mate had a whispered conversation and then he said 'O.K. in you go, BUT don't get starting anything or you're out!😜

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I've been banned from B & Q through no fault of my own🤔 I was in the outside garden section and one of their workers said to me 'You want decking mate'? well, I wasn't taking any chances there, so I hit her first!👍

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1 hour ago, webtrekker said:

27e98e08f77aa6ec04502b6758758b019e794b08061f5c097f15e165a08cfb3b.jpg.78fe3cea5ff59692466e296cea8a3fa0.jpg

 

 

 

I know her, her name's Virginia Barranovichski and she's going threw a bad spel at the minit! She is actually a Lesbian, I don't actually know what part of Lesbania she comes from ?🤔, but she's lived here in Brighton since she came out---------------------------------------of the arrivals hall at Gatwick!👍 When she arrived in Brighton, her housemates called her 'Virgin' for short, but, not for long!

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On 5/2/2024 at 10:11 AM, Mr Crabtree said:

I went to the optician and he said can you read this card? I said 'yes, A N V K D S E B O P D F G L Z' I said 'is that an eye test card'? He said 'No, it's off my Auntie who gone to the Isle of Wight on holiday, I think she's got Dementia'!🥴

Turns out she was dyslexic and, she told me later 'I can't stand that Tunc anyway🤔 She also told me that the Lad's father had been struck off for having sex with a patient!

I said 'that's awful' she said 'yes, but the worst bit about it was he lost a wonderful career through it, and he was such a good vet too'!😳

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