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A HUMOUR THREAD


Guest Gone Fishing...

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I just watched a movie about a kipper { I think it was a kipper, because he was brown and boney } anyway, this kipper came over as an asylum seeker, couldn't keep out of trouble and got deported to Africa! The movie was 'A fish called Rwanda'!🤭

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I was in a shop looking at nice jacket and the lady behind the counter said to me 'would you like to try it on'?

So I winked at her and said 'you know what love? for a woman of your age, you've still got a lovely pair of tits'!

So that's why 'AGE CONCERN' now have a restraining order against me!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Years ago my wife came home and said 'I've bought some Linda McCartney sausages to try' I said 'fuck me, that's a shocker, I thought he'd had her cremated? but, no thanks anyway, the way things are going, we'll be eating bugs soon'! She said 'Please yourself, oh by the way, you have a really sexy voice'!🤫 I said 'oh, really? in what way'? She replied 'because you talk like a cunt sometimes, eating bugs? you want to get a grip of yourself before the men in white coats get a grip of you and put you in a padded cell, eating bugs? you can be a real wanker sometimes'!🥴

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I've decided, after many years of entertaining kiddies at parties and barbeques, to sell my collection of vintage glove puppets, all in lovely condition and selling very cheaply, I just need an enthusiastic person to take them off my hands! May suit a retired Gynecologist looking to keep his hand in, or seeking a new hobby!

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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My old mate does a lot of charity work for the RSPCA, going around collecting money dressed as a giant rabbit.

 

Every day, around lunchtime, he pops into the local boozer for a pint and a toasted sarnie. Sometimes ham & cheese, sometimes cheese & onion, ... it varies depending on his mood.

 

Anyway, I hadn't seen him for a long time until I bumped into him the other day, and he looked dreadful. I said, "What's up with you mate, I haven't seen you for ages?" to which he replied, "I've been very ill. Touch and go."

 

"Bloody hell mate," says I, "What caused that?"

 

'Mixing-me-toasties,' he replied!

 

 

 

 

 

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