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A HUMOUR THREAD


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6 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

So called 'SPEED BUMPS' are total rubbish, they actually SLOW you down if anything!🥴

 

I'm dating this real nutter from Venezuela🤫

CARACAS?🤔

Absolutely bonkers mate!🤭

 

 

What are you on today? 😆

What happened to your wife? 🤨

How many gf do you have?

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32 minutes ago, DaleP said:

 

What are you on today? 😆

What happened to your wife? 🤨

How many gf do you have?

New trainers mate, got them from a local dealer, I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day!😜

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7 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

My friend Dave left his job in McDonalds, and started work in a Casino, apparently they needed someone who was good at dealing with chips!

 

My mate has just started work at the local bakers. He kneads the dough!

 

 

 

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I bumped into a bloke at the bar a couple of weeks ago and made him spill his beer down the front of his shirt.

 

He stared at me angrily and growled, 'Do you like hospital food, mate?,' to which I replied, 'Fuck off! I'm not visiting you!' 😠

 

 

 

[Update: Actually, hospital food doesn't taste that bad, now that I'm able to swallow it].

 

 

 

Edited by webtrekker
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8 hours ago, Fluke said:

You're* sorry that's grammer.

Actually it's 'YOUR'

'YOU'RE' is short for 'YOU ARE', anyway leave my Grammer out of this, she's a hundred and two now and doesn't need the stress!🤫😜 good day to you sir!

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2 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:
11 hours ago, Fluke said:

You're* sorry that's grammer.

Actually it's 'YOUR'

'YOU'RE' is short for 'YOU ARE', anyway leave my Grammer out of this, she's a hundred and two now and doesn't need the stress!🤫😜 good day to you sir!

 

Er, should that not be grammAr, anyway? 🤔

 

 

 

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16 hours ago, DaleP said:

 

How many gf do you have?

I've got a girlfriend for every day of the week, admittedly it's only the one woman, but she's keen!🤭 I met her at the  over seventies club, she sidled up to me and said 'your pad? or mine'? I thought 'fuck me, I've only pulled this bird'👍 but, alas no, she was merely asking which one of us had pissed their self!🥴

We were lying in bed the other morning, she was doing the crossword, I was putting dubbin on my rugby boots and I turned to her and said 'Elsie, do you fancy a go at 'The Wheelbarrow position'? She said 'what does that entail'? I said 'you strip off, get on your hands and knees, I get behind you, lift your legs as if they were barrow handles, we couple up and then we go for it'! She thought foe a minute or two🤔 said 'FINE, but, on one condition'! By then I was raring to go and said 'what condition my darling'? She replied 'promise me now that you won't push me past my daughter's house, because she'll be taking my granddaughters to school about now'! So, long story short, we skipped that position and went for 'The Plumber's Position' instead, that's the one where you stay in all day, and then nobody comes!🥴

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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A Hells Angel was having a big tattoo of an Indian on his back and said to the tattooist 'Don't forget to put a fucking great big tomahawk in his hand mate'!👍 The tattooist replied 'give me a minute sir, I'm only just finishing his turban'!🥴

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