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A HUMOUR THREAD


Guest Gone Fishing...

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What's four feet wide, stands at the side of the road and waits for a wanker to come along?  ANSWER= A cycle lane!👍

I had the chance to join the mile high club, but, I couldn't give a fuck to be honest!

Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines!

I've sold twin speakers to all my neighbours, and they seem to like them, judging by the feedback!

Five out of every six Russians say Russian Roulette is safe!

I've turned down my invitation to join the 'Vaccine Club' there's too many pricks in it for my liking!

My next door neighbour recently lost his wife, Wow, that must have been some card game!

Recently I saw massive queues in London the week the queen died, I thought it was a rock concert, well someone told me they were all queuing to see thin lizzie for the last time!

What's the difference between Prince Andrew and my lazy bastard neighbours? THEY'VE still got their decorations up!

A true story here, an owl has been rescued by a fishing boat 100 miles out to sea! Which begs the question, 'WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PUSSYCAT'?

You know you're getting old when the noises you used to make during sex, are the same noises you now make getting out of bed in the mornings!

Experts have now discovered that the major cause of dry skin is through using towels!

Autistic people crave a regular routine, and that explains why I drink fifteen pints a night, I'm not an alcoholic after all, I'm obviously Autistic!

How time moves on, the W.H.O. have now stopped vaccinating starving people, and started starving vaccinated people, isn't progress a remarkable thing?

Doctor to patient 'you have to stop wanking so much'!  Patient 'why? will it make me ill'? Doctor 'no, but I'm trying to examine you, AND you're embarrassing my nurse'!😳

 

 

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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An old farmer was looking out of his bedroom window around midnight and saw someone breaking into his shed, he quickly phoned 999 and reported it to the policeman on the other end, only to be told that a lot of officers were away on diversity training courses and he simply had no one available to attend the incident!🤔 Ten minutes later he rang the police station back up again and said 'it's me again, the man with the burglar in his shed, don't worry about it now, I've just shot him, have a good morning'! About ten minutes later three police cars, a riot van and a helicopter arrived at the farm.😳 There were coppers running around frantically looking in the shed, under the trees and bushes . under the tractor and everywhere else they could think of, but to no avail! The head of the tactical firearms until came over and and said 'twenty minutes ago you reported shooting a burglar, but there's no  sign of anyone, anywhere'!🤔 The farmer said 'and about thirty minutes ago I was told there was absolutely no one available to attend, it looks as if we were both wrong'!👍🤭

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One of the other disciples said to Peter 'are you coming down to  the 'Cross and spear' for a few pints tonight'? Peter said 'no I'm skint at the moment'! The other disciple said 'it won't cost you a shekel mate, Judas is paying for the lot, apparently he's just come into some unexpected cash and wants to splurge out for a good piss up'! 👍 

Peter started home to get his good togs on and he happened to pass Jesus on the cross, as he went by, Jesus called down to him in a very weak voice and Peter couldn't make out what he was saying, so he went and borrowed a nearby ladder! He climbed halfway up but still couldn't make out what he was saying, so he very gingerly climbed to the top of the ladder and asked what Jesus was saying? Jesus looked at him and said 'I just said Peter, I can see your house from up her'! Climbing back down Peter thought about the time him and Jesus went to a brothel one evening and agreed to meet outside afterwards. When Peter came back out he saw Jesus kicking fuck out of a stone and asked what was the matter? Jesus said 'fuck all, mind your own business for once'!🤢 Peter kept Schtum and they walked on in silence for a few minutes then Jesus said 'I paid that girl in advance, she stripped right off, and lay down, I lay by her, put my hand on her working bit and it instantly healed up'!😳😪

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22 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

One of the other disciples said to Peter 'are you coming down to  the 'Cross and spear' for a few pints tonight'? Peter said 'no I'm skint at the moment'! The other disciple said 'it won't cost you a shekel mate, Judas is paying for the lot, apparently he's just come into some unexpected cash and wants to splurge out for a good piss up'! 👍 

Peter started home to get his good togs on and he happened to pass Jesus on the cross, as he went by, Jesus called down to him in a very weak voice and Peter couldn't make out what he was saying, so he went and borrowed a nearby ladder! He climbed halfway up but still couldn't make out what he was saying, so he very gingerly climbed to the top of the ladder and asked what Jesus was saying? Jesus looked at him and said 'I just said Peter, I can see your house from up her'! Climbing back down Peter thought about the time him and Jesus went to a brothel one evening and agreed to meet outside afterwards. When Peter came back out he saw Jesus kicking fuck out of a stone and asked what was the matter? Jesus said 'fuck all, mind your own business for once'!🤢 Peter kept Schtum and they walked on in silence for a few minutes then Jesus said 'I paid that girl in advance, she stripped right off, and lay down, I lay by her, put my hand on her working bit and it instantly healed up'!😳😪

No replies 'eh? maybe I'm just too irreligious for some and they fear they might be smitten down by a bolt from heaven? No wonder religion is a control tool, 🤔with all the religious beliefs there are in the world, heaven must be a bit like the MI5 building with every type of religion having their own suite of offices! Who's got the maintenance contract for the Pearly Gates for instance? And what about the pedo contract for the Vatican? It's certainly a very sad prison for the sheep, and one they helped to build for themselves over many years! Keep donating you cash so the priests can have their ciggies and Whiskey, Having a wee dram and a toke is the only way they can look you in the eyes whilst they 'tell you a load of lies'!

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On 12/28/2022 at 10:11 AM, Mr Crabtree said:

Keep donating you cash so the priests can have their ciggies and Whiskey, Having a wee dram and a toke is the only way they can look you in the eyes whilst they 'tell you a load of lies'!

I've mentioned this before ,but a long long time ago.

My wife's parents we catholic,so to appease them we got married in a catholic church. I don't know what the requirements are now but back in the day the priest had to have a talk with you about marriage, life and the church We were to meet in his seminary,so at the pre-arranged time we knocked on the door he lets us in  and ushers us into two armchairs . The first thing I noticed was a line of empty Bell's whisky bottles along the top of his book shelf and when he started talking it was obvious  he had had a couple.

About 5 min in to the talk he lets out this rather loud fart , we I looked at Margie and managed to hold it together for about 30 seconds ,Marg let out a snigger and that was it we were both on the floor cracking up ,although to his credit he kept  his composure waited till we both stopped  laughing and continued on as if nothing had happened. That was the funniest lecture on life and marriage I've ever had the pleasure to witness

Edited by peter
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I had a bit of a shock last night, I found my first ever grey pubic hair, it shook me to the very core, I will definitely never, ever, buy another pizza from there!😳

 

As an experiment today, I pulled out a nose hair, just to see if it would hurt? Judging by the reaction of the man sleeping in the next seat to me on the bus, I'd imagine it does hurt a little bit!🤭

 

I met a slightly deaf mate of mine booking a train ticket, I said 'where you going? he said 'to a rock concert in Wembley, but the window's fallen out of my car so I'm going by train'! I said 'Oh, loose windscreen'? He said 'Nah mate, the Rolling Stones'!

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7 hours ago, Frankieboy said:


 

Billy and Jimmy, two lifelong mates joined the army and got sent to the middle east, two years later, I bumped into Billy in a pub near Morrisey Street car park where I'd parked my truck up overnight in Edinburgh. I asked him how the army was going and he said 'I'm a bit embarrassed to say this, but I got booted out for getting drunk and shagging a goat'!😳 I tried to make light of it, as you do, and said 'these things happen mate, is Jimmy still in the army'? He shook his head 'nope, they booted him out as well'! I said 'why? was he shagging a goat as well'? He said 'No, you know Jimmy, he was acting the goat, as usual'!🤭

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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve  double shots of brandy and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The bartender says, "What do you have?"
The guy says, "I've got  15p."

 

 

A skin head walks into a bar and ask for "15 large beers of the most foulest tasting beer you have, Please!!!!"
The bar man says "ok", being abit shocked by the skin head saying please....He starts to pour them"
No sooner has the bar man placed them on the bar, the skin head downs them in one........
as the bar man is pouring beer 15 he ask the skin head "Are you celebrating some thing?",
to which the skin head replys "Yes, I have just had my first Blow job"
the bar man responds "Congratulations, if you finish this one I will give you another one on the house"
"Nahhhh", replies the skin head "If 15 beers won't kill the TASTE nothing will...!!!!"

 

 

A vampire bat hanging in the church befry is waiting for his friend....
When his freind turns up...his face is dripping with fresh blood
The first Bat says "were did you get that as I'm starving"
The second Bat replies "follow me" and flies off out the window again
The first bat gives chase & after 20 mins of high speed flight they evetually come to a gentle hover
The Second Bat says "Do you see that BIG tree over there?" to which the first bat replies "Yes!!!"
the second bat exclaims "WELL I DIDN'T!!!!!"

 

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He has good patience......He was alone, no one would have heard him if he cussed, but he never did!...Remarkable... More people need to not swear, like this guy!.... At least when able to,.... Like conspiracies, stuff messes with your head, but don't be brought down by it.  He did well....👍

Edited by Certified Green of Heart
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