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A HUMOUR THREAD


Guest Gone Fishing...
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I may have mentioned this before, but when I broke up with my first wife I decided to have a bit of solitude and get my head together, what better place could there be than a one man tent in the middle of an island? It was only a smallish island, but there was room for me and my tent and room to light a fire each an evening if the weather turned cold, and I'd bought supplies with me, so, what on earth could possibly go wrong?

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I'd just got the tent up when I noticed what I thought was a flashing blue light in the distance, and gathering speed as it headed towards my island, it was just getting dusk and my first thought was 'I'm gonna be abducted by aliens'! Suddenly a voice came across very loudly and very clearly, 'Get off that island you pillock, you're not allowed to camp on any part of the A38, SO YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO GET YOUR GEAR TOGETHER AND FUCK OFF BEFORE WE ARREST YOU'!🤔😳🤨  Luckily my car was parked on the grass verge opposite, and the nice police officer held up the traffic whilst I dragged all my stuff across the main road and back to my car, one woman truck driver with big tattooed arms shouted all sorts of abuse at me, I remembered then why I'd divorced her in the first place!🤭

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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Late one night a burglar broke into a house and while he was sneaking around he heard a voice say, "Jesús is watching you."
He looked around and saw nothing. He kept on creeping and again heard, "Jesús is watching you." In a dark corner, he saw a cage with a parrot inside. The burglar asked the parrot, "Was it you who said Jesús is watching me"
The parrot replied, "Yes." Relieved, the burglar asked, "What is your name?"
The parrot said, "Clarence."
The burglar said, "That's a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot answered, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler Jesús."

 

I have seen a ton of liberal jokes even worse than this while searching, pray I don't get a taste for sharing them.

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Hey let's go real life, this fkn annoying guy I knew once and put up with for reasons obscure to me once tried this on me.

"If we went camping and you woke up with a sore ass, would you mention it n the morning?"

 

I said yes.

 

 

 

That ufcked up the joke.

 

I mean, I hope I don't have to say the punchline this is the david icke forum after all.

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3 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

What's the difference between a bonus and a penis? You can always get your wife to blow your bonus!🤭

 

What's the difference between a pianist and a penis?

 

A pianist tickles the ivories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited by webtrekker
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7 hours ago, webtrekker said:

 

What's the difference between a pianist and a penis?

 

A pianist tickles the ivories.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Do you know the difference between a penis and a chicken drumstick darling? No sweetheart I don't think I do, why?  Do you fancy coming on a picnic this weekend?🤫

Gynecologist= 'Right Mrs Jones, time to check your Avaries'! 'Don't you mean ovaries'?🤨 Gynecologist 'I bet you've had a Cockatoo in there'!🥴

 

My brother is a retired Gynecologist, he's still young but he has bad arthritis through working in damp conditions for years! He came to see me last year and got caught speeding on the A23 coming towards Brighton and the traffic cop asked him what the hurry was? he said he was coming to Brighton to look up a few old patients of his and he didn't want to leave them waiting too long!😳

I get all my jokes off the Alex Belfield fan club site! The other member tells me them!🤫

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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7 hours ago, webtrekker said:

Sorry folks, I can't afford to send you Cristmas Cards this year, but here's a nice Christmas Message I recorded back in Lockdown, hope you enjoy it ...

 

 

What's 'Stranger on the shore' got to do with Christmas, you numpty? We should use 'Stranger on the shore' as the Asylum seekers official anthem, what do you thinkof that idea?👍

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'Big Cat' seen in 'Broad Daylight' by members of the public on Seaford Beach, a police spokesperson said 'it looks as if these things may be breeding and getting bolder in their search for food! There have also been reports of 'Giant Blue Scorpions' seen in the immediate area of the beach, members of the public are urged NOT TO TRY AND PICK ONE UP if they encounter one during their walks!

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Edited by Mr Crabtree
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When I was younger, one night, in a drunken state I foolishly had LLANDUDNO tattooed on my willy { I was actually in ABERYSWTWYTH at the time, but it had far too many letters } so, LLANDUDNO it was!🤫 Anyway fifty five years later it now reads LUDO and I just can't understand 'WHY'?🤔 I fondly remember buying my first motorbike in Llandudno, proudly built in Wales, a lovely shiny blue Rhonda 90 capable of 30 miles an hour  flat out, downhill with a following wind! It wasn't as nippy going uphill though, and hardly moved at all if it had to go past a field of sheep, the horn used to go off on it's own accord, but not toot toot, oh no, it gave a Wolf Whistle!😲

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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14 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

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Man in French cafe to lady behind the counter 'I'd like a crocodile sarnie please, oh, and make it snappy, I haven't got all day'! She replied, 'sorry we have no crocodile left'! He said, 'O.K. do you have frog's legs'? She replied 'Oui monsieur' He said 'good, hop into the kitchen and make me a cheese roll then'!

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