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oneantisworthtenofyou

oneantisworthtenofyou

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

Go around to a neighbour's or a friends's house really late at night,, knock the door and when they say 'who is it'? stick a large cucumber  part way through the letter box and shout out 'it's only me, the Jolly Green Giant, I think I love you'!🤭

 

This one is going to be right up your street I'm sure 

 

 

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted (edited)

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I was at Gatwick airport the other day when a bloke came out carrying a very, very long bag, so I quipped 'Hey, are you a Pole vaulter'?

He looked over and said 'No, I am actually a German, but tell me pliss how did you know my name vas Valter'?🤔

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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- TZC -

- TZC -

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, sickofallthebollocks said:

I'm not laughing 'at' the people in this clip, more about just how cute it is to me! Also, that they are saying the words to how they look logically. 
(I'd like to see the english (en masse) try to speak chinese or Indian)

 

Reminds me of the stifled laughter over the phone when I was asking for seehobann (Shevaun) And I'm english ffs. (although in my defence siobhan isn't an english name) It's ok to laugh, the worlds gone nuts.

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 hours ago, - TZC - said:

Reminds me of the stifled laughter over the phone when I was asking for seehobann (Shevaun) And I'm english ffs. (although in my defence siobhan isn't an english name) It's ok to laugh, the worlds gone nuts.

Just like the way Americans always call WARWICK =WAR WICK instead of pronouncing it WORRICK, and BUCK IN HAM PALACE is another one they always fuck up!

I hate Americanisms, which is ironic really, because ISM is an American word too!🤭 I really don't know how we did ever get to speak proper as like we duz without the Americans pissing about with our language ?🤔

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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webtrekker

webtrekker

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Mr Crabtree said:

Just like the way Americans always call WARWICK =WAR WICK instead of pronouncing it WORRICK, and BUCK IN HAM PALACE is another one they always fuck up!

I hate Americanisms, which is ironic really, because ISM is an American word too!🤭 I really don't know how we did ever get to speak proper as like we duz without the Americans pissing about with our language ?🤔

 

Aa wey, at least us Geordies aal taak proper like. Aa wuz just thinking aboot this th'other day when aa wuz putting me cap on ti tek the whippet oot for a waak.

 

 

 

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, sock muppet said:

 

You got that accent spot on, 👍

Talking of Whippets I used to breed ferrets {seriously, I shit you not } and 'Poley' my Polecat Hob {  male polecat} seemed listless so off we went to the vet! He checked him over and asked what I fed him on? I said 'mice' he said 'that's a bit boring isn't it'? I said 'yes, that's why I dye them different colours as a treat, Red, Yellow, Blue, Orange and even Pink, he loves the Orange ones, they're his favourite'!!👍 The vet said 'I know what's causing his problem now'!👍 I said 'What is it'? He said 'He's not getting his Greens'!

😲

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted (edited)

My dear old grandad once gave me some very important advice I'd like to share with any males who want it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1/ you need to find a woman who is able to cook, and clever enough to manage on the housekeeping money.

2/ you need a woman who is working so that she can slip you a few quid occasionally.

3/ you also need a woman who's not a munter you'd be ashamed to be seen out and about with!

4/ You also need a woman who's willing to try anything sexual if it pleases you!

Now this 5th piece of info is the most important one,

WHATEVER YOU DO, FOR GAWD'S SAKE, DON'T EVER LET THEM MEET EACH OTHER! 😲🤫

 

It's worked for me, I'm still having regular sex at 74👍 I live at number 12, but, the widow up the road at number 74, 😏 WOW!

I dedicate this joke to the originator Bob Monkhouse B =1928   D= 2003

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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oneantisworthtenofyou

oneantisworthtenofyou

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

My dear old grandad once gave me some very important advice I'd like to share with any males who want it!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1/ you need to find a woman who is able to cook, and clever enough to manage on the housekeeping money.

2/ you need a woman who is working so that she can slip you a few quid occasionally.

3/ you also need a woman who's not a munter you'd be ashamed to be seen out and about with!

4/ You also need a woman who's willing to try anything sexual if it pleases you!

Now this 5th piece of info is the most important one,

WHATEVER YOU DO, FOR GAWD'S SAKE, DON'T EVER LET THEM MEET EACH OTHER! 😲🤫

 

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted (edited)

I was looking at some of our family's old journals and thought I'd made a real discovery about my great granddad, apparently, he knew the very day, in fact the very minute that he was going to die, and it turned out that he was right on the button.😲 I thought 'the old geezer was psychic, who'd have thought it'?🤔 However the bubble soon burst with the next paragraph, it turns out that the judge had donned his black cap and told him when he was going to die after the jury turned in a guilty verdict after his trial for the murder of his mother in law!🤨

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
Posted

Teacher to little Jimmy 'what's the two times table'? little Jimmy ' one two is two, two two's are four, three two's are six' Teacher 'thank you Jimmy, David, three times table please'! David 'one three is three, two three's are six, three three's are nine' ! Teacher 'thank you David, Boris Bunter, eight times table please' Boris 'la la lala, la la lala, la la lala'

Teacher 'Boris Bunter, stop, what are you doing'? Boris 'well miss, I know the tune, but I can't remember the words'!😟

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Mr Crabtree

Mr Crabtree

Posted
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I may have mentioned this before, but when I broke up with my first wife I decided to have a bit of solitude and get my head together, what better place could there be than a one man tent in the middle of an island? It was only a smallish island, but there was room for me and my tent and room to light a fire each an evening if the weather turned cold, and I'd bought supplies with me, so, what on earth could possibly go wrong?

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I'd just got the tent up when I noticed what I thought was a flashing blue light in the distance, and gathering speed as it headed towards my island, it was just getting dusk and my first thought was 'I'm gonna be abducted by aliens'! Suddenly a voice came across very loudly and very clearly, 'Get off that island you pillock, you're not allowed to camp on any part of the A38, SO YOU HAVE FIVE MINUTES TO GET YOUR GEAR TOGETHER AND FUCK OFF BEFORE WE ARREST YOU'!🤔😳🤨  Luckily my car was parked on the grass verge opposite, and the nice police officer held up the traffic whilst I dragged all my stuff across the main road and back to my car, one woman truck driver with big tattooed arms shouted all sorts of abuse at me, I remembered then why I'd divorced her in the first place!🤭

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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