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A HUMOUR THREAD


Guest Gone Fishing...

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9 hours ago, Frankieboy said:

 

Korean Propaganda, full of slander, and bare faced chuckledom, another brave new era in comedy ladies and gentlemen (vagrants & paupers) from the  Candid Camera Kingdom, giving plenty of Snow Loads of Ridiculous Lies (except for the snow which Can be ingested and made into water, that by some miracle IS true)....  Thanks for that FrankieBoy! 😂 I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO MY GOVERNMENT & I IMMENSELY ENJOYED MY ONE DAILY HOT DRINK< THANKYOU DEAR LORDS of the Gestapo, for your ethereal rocketed fuelled kindness! 

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2 hours ago, Certified Green of Heart said:

 

Korean Propaganda, full of slander, and bare faced chuckledom, another brave new era in comedy ladies and gentlemen (vagrants & paupers) from the  Candid Camera Kingdom, giving plenty of Snow Loads of Ridiculous Lies (except for the snow which Can be ingested and made into water, that by some miracle IS true)....  Thanks for that FrankieBoy! 😂 I AM VERY GRATEFUL TO MY GOVERNMENT & I IMMENSELY ENJOYED MY ONE DAILY HOT DRINK< THANKYOU DEAR LORDS of the Gestapo, for your ethereal rocketed fuelled kindness! 

And I thought my posts were sometimes hard to fathom. To be fair, they still are.

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15 hours ago, Frankieboy said:


 

A young lady wanted a butterfly tattooed on both bum cheeks, the tattooist said they were too difficult to do, but, he was very good with bee tattoos, the lady agreed that they would do, and he promptly tattooed her! That night she said to her boyfriend 'I've got a surprise for you'! She dropped her knickers and bent over the table 'well what do you think of that darling'? she said over her shoulder. Her boyfriend looked and the said 'Who the hell is B 0 B?🥴

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8 hours ago, oneantisworthtenofyou said:

 

Poor guy, fancy a young lad being stuck with a problem like that, I had a similar problem when I was his age, but now fifty odd years later I can look back and laugh about it!

I'm embarrassed to say that I used to sniff leather saddles on fat girls bikes, and then I started stealing the saddles and hiding them in my fridge for sniffing later on when I was alone in my room! However, I was eventually caught when I went to my local cottage hospital with a badly swollen left wrist and sores on my nostrils!

images.jpg.bc84dc230b24af6e0d8875f79869f3de.jpg

The Magistrates were very sympathetic and asked if I'd ever stolen anything else? I admitted that I had stolen a front gate and asked for four other fences to be taken into consideration! I ended up doing three months in Holloway Prison, the uniforms were weird, but the showers were fun!👍 The prison was full of rough, tough, hardcases, and that was only the staff😲 some of the prisoners were a bit strange too! The local Magistrate who dealt

with my case had been born with no thumbs, and soon got the Nickname 'Justice Fingers'🥴 how he ever held that gavel I'll never know! We met again years later when I was up in court for stealing an overcoat! He said 'I know you, weren't you up before me seven years ago for stealing an overcoat'?🤔 I replied 'well, how long do you think an overcoat lasts'? he replied 'two years hard labour, take him down'!😟

301327207_images(1).jpg.3d8c2d06b33530c73cd88d89ae0d8cca.jpg

download.jpg.3cca20ad391917c28d6369ca5c24f203.jpg

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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4 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

Poor guy, fancy a young lad being stuck with a problem like that, I had a similar problem when I was his age, but now fifty odd years later I can look back and laugh about it!

I'm embarrassed to say that I used to sniff leather saddles on fat girls bikes, and then I started stealing the saddles and hiding them in my fridge for sniffing later on when I was alone in my room! However, I was eventually caught when I went to my local cottage hospital with a badly swollen left wrist and sores on my nostrils!

images.jpg.bc84dc230b24af6e0d8875f79869f3de.jpg

The Magistrates were very sympathetic and asked if I'd ever stolen anything else? I admitted that I had stolen a front gate and asked for four other fences to be taken into consideration! I ended up doing three months in Holloway Prison, the uniforms were weird, but the showers were fun!👍 The prison was full of rough, tough, hardcases, and some of the prisoners were a bit strange too!

301327207_images(1).jpg.3d8c2d06b33530c73cd88d89ae0d8cca.jpg

download.jpg.3cca20ad391917c28d6369ca5c24f203.jpg

 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, Mr Crabtree said:

Poor guy, fancy a young lad being stuck with a problem like that, I had a similar problem when I was his age, but now fifty odd years later I can look back and laugh about it!

I'm embarrassed to say that I used to sniff leather saddles on fat girls bikes, and then I started stealing the saddles and hiding them in my fridge for sniffing later on when I was alone in my room! However, I was eventually caught when I went to my local cottage hospital with a badly swollen left wrist and sores on my nostrils!

images.jpg.bc84dc230b24af6e0d8875f79869f3de.jpg

The Magistrates were very sympathetic and asked if I'd ever stolen anything else? I admitted that I had stolen a front gate and asked for four other fences to be taken into consideration! I ended up doing three months in Holloway Prison, the uniforms were weird, but the showers were fun!👍 The prison was full of rough, tough, hardcases, and some of the prisoners were a bit strange too!

301327207_images(1).jpg.3d8c2d06b33530c73cd88d89ae0d8cca.jpg

download.jpg.3cca20ad391917c28d6369ca5c24f203.jpg

 

 

Damn! You were let of lightly!

 

Many years ago I was caught counterfeiting Green Shield Stamps (remember those anyone?). I got 6 months and an electric kettle! 😋

 

 

 

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5 minutes ago, webtrekker said:

 

Damn! You were let of lightly!

 

Many years ago I was caught counterfeiting Green Shield Stamps (remember those anyone?). I got 6 months and an electric kettle! 😋

 

 

5 minutes ago, webtrekker said:

You shared a cell with me and Tim, we stole a calendar and got six months each!

 

 

 

 

Edited by Mr Crabtree
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8 hours ago, oneantisworthtenofyou said:

 

Stretching humor there, but hopefully I can steer it back. I was out with Sheila and her kid one day in the park. Me and "Teeluck" as I called him (andrew) strayed a bit far toward the woods and we heard "COME BACK" yelled from the path.

When we got back, Sheila told us "stay away from the woods, there's glue sniffers in there"

 

I immediately shouted "BLUE SNIFFERS!"  at the trees, and Sheila nearly had a heart attack on the spot. We never saw any though.

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1 minute ago, webtrekker said:

 

Would that be Tim who stole a set of broken scales hoping he'd get a-weigh with them?

 

1 minute ago, webtrekker said:

No, this Tim shot his wife with a crossbow so that he wouldn't wake the kids up! His nickname was 'Old Bailey' because he spent a lot of time appearing there on various charges! The judge had been born with no thumbs, and 'Old Bailey' nicknamed him 'Justice Fingers' which really didn't do Tim any Favours, but he was just that type of guy! One night he was up the park with a young lady of horizontal refreshment when suddenly a torch lit up his naked bum which was going like 'A fiddler's elbow' at the time!🤫 Attached to the torch was a massive big police sergeant who said ' 'ello, 'ello, what's occurring here then'? 🤔 He pointed at Tim and said 'you my lad are in trouble now, unless of course I can get some too' he said with a smirk😏 O'K' said Tim, 'but I've never shagged a copper before'!🤔 He was always a bit thick, his missus wanted to have a nice ring that was in the jewellers window, Tim said  'leave to me'😉 Ten minutes later he was caught robbing the jewellers with a sawn off shotgun, but Tim being Tim, he'd only gone and sawn the wrong end off!🤭 He once got offered fifteen grand to drive a getaway car in an armed bank robbery but he had to turn the offer down because he only had a provisional  license and he didn't want to get in any trouble with the police!😟

 

 

 

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14 hours ago, - TZC - said:

Stretching humor there, but hopefully I can steer it back. I was out with Sheila and her kid one day in the park. Me and "Teeluck" as I called him (andrew) strayed a bit far toward the woods and we heard "COME BACK" yelled from the path.

When we got back, Sheila told us "stay away from the woods, there's glue sniffers in there"

 

I immediately shouted "BLUE SNIFFERS!"  at the trees, and Sheila nearly had a heart attack on the spot. We never saw any though.

 

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3 hours ago, oneantisworthtenofyou said:

 

More corny than the jolly green giant!

 

 

 

GG.JPG

Go around to a neighbour's or a friends's house really late at night,, knock the door and when they say 'who is it'? stick a large cucumber  part way through the letter box and shout out 'it's only me, the Jolly Green Giant, I think I love you'!🤭

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