Mr Crabtree Posted November 12, 2022 Share Posted November 12, 2022 7 hours ago, Moonlight said: I loved the one with the man answering questions on Ann Frank and he kept being told he gave the wrong answer! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legion Posted November 12, 2022 Share Posted November 12, 2022 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legion Posted November 14, 2022 Share Posted November 14, 2022 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 (edited) On 11/12/2022 at 7:16 PM, legion said: One of my old bus driver mates Dave was a cab driver but after a couple of attempted robberies he decided to quit and become a bus driver, and he told me a few things that had happened whilst he was driving cabs! One drunk married woman who he'd seen around got into his cab and when he got to her street he said 'that's twenty quid love' and as he looked behind him she was lay there with her legs in the air and no knickers on! She said 'can you take it out of this'? Dave just looked and then said 'sorry love, haven't you got anything smaller'? Another time he had an old couple in the back and the husband tapped Dave on the shoulder and joker Dave gave an almighty scream and pulled into the kerb. The old man said 'sorry driver I just wanted to tell you this is near enough' Dave said ' you put the shits up me then mate, I was driving a hearse for the last twenty years and this is only my second night on this taxi lark, I thought my time had come then for a few seconds'! The old man paid the fare and gave him an extra fiver for his trouble! He told me once that him and his mother once went for over three years without speaking to each other over a silly argument. She got on my bus to go to bingo on night and she said 'my son Dave drives a bus at your garage, do you know him'? I couldn't resist it 'of course I know him, we spent two years in the same cell at Parkhurst on the Isle of Wight, do I know him? I know him very well love, very well'! She said 'my Dave's never been in prison in his life' I said 'believe me, he has and you never even came to visit him because of some silly row you'd had'! When she got off at the bingo hall she rang him up to ask him, and when she got back on later she had a right go at me for winding her up Her bingo partner had a laugh at that and Dave's mum said' you know what this barmy bleeder told me a few months ago'? her mate said 'no' and Dave's mum said 'he told me they were knocking the bingo hall down next weekend to build a load of high- rise flats for the asylum seekers'! 'And then, he told me they chose that site because it was MECCA BINGO and it would make them feel more at home over here'! She said 'I went in and had a right go at the Welshman who manages the hall and he said it was news to him,' she pointed at me and said 'that was him again winding me up again''! When we got back to Peacehaven she got off and as she did she gave me a bar of chocolate, smiled and said 'here you windup merchant, I hope it chokes yer' but she did smile as she said it! Dave did tell me later thar his old lady loved me really because I was always cheerful and always got the bingo crowd going with one thing or another! Edited November 15, 2022 by Mr Crabtree 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr H Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr H Posted November 15, 2022 Share Posted November 15, 2022 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 (edited) A large white stallion wandered into a bar and asked for a double whisky, the barman looked at the horse and said 'What brand ?, oh wait, we have a whisky named after you, you know'! The horse shook his head in amazement, 'really'? he said 'you actually sell a whisky called Cyril'? A few nights before a man came in with what he claimed to be a 'tap dancing duck' the barman said 'yeah, right' so the man put some rockabilly music on the jukebox, put the duck on top of a tin biscuit box and sure enough it started to dance! The barman was amazed and asked if the duck was for sale? The man said 'sure, give me a double whisky and fifty quid and he's yours'! The barman poured the whisky, took fifty quid out of the till and the deal was done. The man tipped back the whisky, picked up his fifty quid, wished everyone 'goodnight' and left. A minute later, the music stopped, but the duck kept on dancing! The barman ran outside just as the man was getting into a taxi, 'how do you stop the duck dancing mate'? he shouted. The man replied 'pick the duck up, lift off the lid of the biscuit tin, and blow the candle out'! Meanwhile, at the job centre next door a gorilla walked in and asked if they had any vacancies he might apply for? the clerk was amazed and said 'I could ring Chipperfields circus if you like'? And the gorilla said 'what would a circus want with a master bricklayer'? A man got on the bus with a crocodile on a lead, the driver said 'are you mad? you can't get on here with a crocodile, why don't you take it to a zoo'? the man said, 'we went to the zoo yesterday, it was boring, so we're going to the cinema today'! Edited November 16, 2022 by Mr Crabtree 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legion Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legion Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 2 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fluke Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fluke Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr H Posted November 16, 2022 Share Posted November 16, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legion Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 Where would we be without YouTube fact checkers..? 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
screamingeagle Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 https://www.instagram.com/p/Ck_ynEGs4i9/?igshid=MDJmNzVkMjY= Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
webtrekker Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead politician? The skidmarks in front of the dog! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
webtrekker Posted November 17, 2022 Share Posted November 17, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr H Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 18, 2022 Share Posted November 18, 2022 (edited) Edited November 19, 2022 by Mr Crabtree 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 (edited) ANT AND DEC, BRITAIN'S ONLY SURVIVING PAIR OF BRAIN TRANSPLANT DONORS! SOMEONE SHOT JOHN LENNON AND LET THOSE TWO LIVE, IS THERE NO JUSTICE IN THE WORLD TODAY? Edited November 19, 2022 by Mr Crabtree 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sickofallthebollocks Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 Watch till the end: 1 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 On 11/17/2022 at 5:28 PM, webtrekker said: He's far too arrogant for my tastes, AND a vax enabler! 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Crabtree Posted November 19, 2022 Share Posted November 19, 2022 (edited) I met an old neighbour the other day whilst out fishing, he asked how my wife and kids were? were they all alright etc? Naturally I asked after his family, as you do, and he said 'My missus went to the beauty parlour the other day, and whilst she was there she had 'her ladies garden' trimmed back a bit'! I was a bit taken aback by that bit of personal info so I just said 'Oh O.K. right' And then he said 'you know what? I'd actually forgotten how beautiful her knees were'! He said he'd taken her fishing a few days before but she' moaned all day about being cold, being bored etc Then, on the way back to the car she said 'I've got a stone in my left wellie' so he said 'well don't worry, you've got about eighteen stone in the other one'! He said she was very quiet all the way home in the car, but later she did inform him that she wouldn't be going with him ever again, not until hell froze over! Edited November 19, 2022 by Mr Crabtree 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Frankieboy Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fluke Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oneantisworthtenofyou Posted November 20, 2022 Share Posted November 20, 2022 1 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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