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A HUMOUR THREAD


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On 7/5/2022 at 6:42 PM, legion said:

yep
 

 

 

Yes. Coincidentally. Of a heart attack. Just after he'd had a full physical check up and been pronounced fit & healthy. Another of those mysteries (or not). I feel we're poorer for that loss.

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Posted (edited)

So this bloke decides to leave the material world and join a monastery. The rules are simple there. Complete silence except that every five years, the monks are allowed to speak two words. So, for five years, the bloke tends the gardens, milks the cows, makes bread, and prays every day consistent with the monastic life. The abbot calls him over and tells he him can speak his two words. The bloke looks at him and says 'bed hard.' The abbot nods his head and says, 'we'll have to look into that.' Another five years go by, and the bloke works his bollocks off from dawn until dusk. The abbot approached him and says 'doesn't time fly? Time for your two words.' The bloke nods and says 'food bad.' The abbot looks down and says 'we'll have to look into that.'

 

Another five years pass and the man is a pitiful looking wretch. The abbot walks up to him and says 'time for another two words brother.' The man says 'I quit.' The abbot nods his head and says 'good thing. You've done nothing but fucking moan since you came here.'

Edited by Nemuri Kyoshiro
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A man goes to the NHS to apply for a job as a cleaner.

The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the armed forces?"

"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for three years."

The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

The man says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and it blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the man, "Great. You've got the job. The hours are from 8 until 4, with overtime on the weekend. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10 o'clock?"

The man is puzzled and asks, "If the hours are from 8 until 4, why do you want me to come in at 10?"

"This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls..no point in you coming in for that."

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