Help on deprogramming, memory retrieval for MK Ultra

[Floatingthrutime]

I am a former monarch subject trying to retrieve my autobiographical memory. I escaped many years ago, and they continue to gang stalk me thousands of miles away but no more crazy stuff. 
 

if anyone can help provide resources on how to retrieve my memories I would appreciate it. Either there is a gaping gap in memory or it is hidden somewhere. Thank you

[Clarissa]

@FloatingthrutimeHave you lost your memory? (serious question not taking the piss)

Edited July 28, 2022 by Clarissa

[Deca]

the biggest problem is going to be sorting out real from false/implanted  memories ....so i would look for objective evidence medical record etc  and reliable witness than relaying on memories alone ok  also you want to avoid things like Hypnotic Regression.

 

Edited July 30, 2022 by Deca

[Kelli]

Maybe read Cathy O'Brien's book that describes how Mark Phillips helped her to retrieve her terrible memories from the time she was an MK Ultra mind-controlled slave. It involves doing a lot of hand writing. 

[tommydrifter]

You need to check out Stewart Swerdlow's information, the pioneering expert in deprogramming the mind. Swerdlow deprogrammed himself after the termination of the Montauk Project rendered him dysfunctional. I own a number of his books on the subject. What he teaches is Hyperspace techniques - visualisations - to access repressed autobiographical content and unlock DNA.

I suspect people are put off by Swerdlow because of his participation in the Montauk Project and what that involved. As far as I can trust my perceptions, this is a situation where woowoo truth is stranger than woowoo lies, and the Montauk Project is, indeed, True Reality. I would check out what is freely available first, such as watching the weekly Expansions News Podcast and visiting the YouTube channel CHANNEL3X for old interviews with Swerdlow. (Hint: Judge his character and evaluate his mental state. Swerdlow is a kook, yes, but is he authentic or a grifter? Is he schizophrenic or in his right mind?)

There was also a former psychoanalyst who wrote a series of brilliant books in German (translated into English) about accessing repressed emotion and the cycle of abuse. This is truthful information that is transformative, in the sense that, in the process of reading it, it awakens your inner child. Her bestselling book is called The Drama of the Gifted Child.

Be aware that this autobiographical content is repressed for a reason: you are not equipped to deal with it. In my opinion, you need to be mentally strong enough, and have enough support around you, for the memories to surface (in addition to doing the work in Hyperspace). I suspect specific programming is more common than people realise, but the trauma remains repressed for the duration of the person's life, and no healing is achieved.   

[Artie Fufkin]

On 4/18/2022 at 3:27 AM, Floatingthrutime said:

I am a former monarch subject trying to retrieve my autobiographical memory. I escaped many years ago, and they continue to gang stalk me thousands of miles away but no more crazy stuff. 
 

if anyone can help provide resources on how to retrieve my memories I would appreciate it. Either there is a gaping gap in memory or it is hidden somewhere. Thank you

Have you tried contacting Timothy @ https:/fightingmonarch.com  ? He's a good man and may be able to help you. 

[DaleP]

On 9/14/2022 at 11:40 AM, tommydrifter said:

but the trauma remains repressed for the duration of the person's life, and no healing is achieved.   

 

I don't believe this is the case since nothing is impossible and healing can be done.

 

Just downloaded this book "The Illuminati Formula Used to Create an Undetectable Total Mind Controlled Slave" by Cisco Wheeler and Fritz Springmei

There is a warning at the beginning of the book in case if you are a victim. I downloaded for symbolism section but just scanning through, you don't know if it's a mind control or magick...... I guess it is a mixture of the two.

Scary part of is that the trauma programming starts while a baby is in the womb..... this book is revealing to say the least!

[TheKitty]

I'm curious. I know my mom had anesthesia during my birth, although not sure why, after 3 previous births. I found that some rare cases do exist where the people experienced long-term and permanent memory loss. I found some medical journals about it, noting that extra special care should be considered in those cases. Three times seems a bit much. It was said to be possible to cause my severe memory and cognition problem. I can probably intentionally retrieve about 20% of my life, I'm 53. By h.s., I'd forgotten practically all of my childhood. I have some rare stuff, markings, heterochromia, I'm 6'8" and in the Davidic dynasty and a crap ton of others, pretty fully royal DNA, a starseed, of course ... my birth chart highlights about 14 possibles and a few for sure, altho I'm just going by their words ... Anubis, Anunnaki, Arcturian, Avian, Blue Ray, Feline, Hadarian, Light Draconian, Light Reptilian, Lyran, Orion, Pleiadean, Polarian, Procyon. Of those, I know I'm Anunnaki, Orion and Pleiadean. I have the belt on my thigh in birthmarks. I never noticed it til maybe last year. I have the dagaz rune stone symbol in my palms, the coveted witch mark, many healer marks, the Eye of Odin, not sure what else, just kind of go back to all the most important people history is aware of. I had such an empty life, lots of abuse, and severe depression problems. A UFO was spotted in my hometown in 1973 when I was 2. It was on a road my grandma lived on. I think I've been visited and I think I've been messed with. I just have a sense. Many psychic readings I've posted on my FB Live show ppl talking about ppl trying to kill me since I was born. I just heard ppl are doing spells to attack my sacral chakra, for whatever reason. I have had scratching so bad on my back because it's been itching me to death. It's in the shape of a diamond. A big one. Idk wth, but I've heard so so so many psychics praise me for being someone powerful and important. Prophecies keep coming up and I guess I'm part of one. I guess I'm part of the Galactic Federation, altho my memories have been suppressed. I learned that from Elizabeth April, but I unsubscribed from her because I didn't get good vibes and I sense she may have issues with Reptilians. I surely didn't make myself, and I wasn't really able to give my parents ideas of when to get it on so I could be conceived, so ...  I have LOTS of ethnicities in my readable DNA and chunks of 5 of my chromosomes were too confusing for Ancestry to figure out what it all was. I've reached out to ppl in so many places. I also fall under Ophiuchus, if that's a thing to anybody. My birth name was Michelle Angelique "who is like Elohim" "angelic messenger of God". I came out male, so I was Timothy Christopher "honored by God" "Christ bearer. Ophiuchus is the serpent bearer and Jesus is supposedly my ggf and a shapeshifter, as was another ggf of mine, Prince Vseslav Bryachislavich of Polotsk and Kyiv, plus Idk how many ggp's from several Scottish clans who were very powerful witches and shapeshifters. All of the known secret societies were created by family. David is my cousin, altho Idk how so far. I remember my mom taking me to a convent when I was about 7. We were not Catholic, but the one church I did go to was where I met my only known adult molester. He was my Sunday school teacher. I found out later on that I'm also an Ashton and then stumble across Ashton Wold, the microbiologist studying butterflies for their sexual dimorphism. I asked myself, I wonder if that can be applied to humans. I looked further, it can. To me, I think the Rothschilds are trying to guide human evolution, someone is. I had to always wonder am I being trained for something. I always felt something inside of me, but I felt bound. Who feels that? I did help get a good lil batch of bad politicians out of office, so ... I forced Donald Trump to fire Steve Bannon. That felt great. I told him he's not going to be in any office again. I don't understand why ppl didn't join me when I stood up to the White House and contacted all the major networks and political vloggers so exercise my right to abolish this govt. via the Declaration of Independence. The lines were crossed and documented. I wanted to give ppl some equality. Not one person stood with me. Now I'm being told left and right that I'm here to heal the world. I can handle a massive amt. of things, but this density is heavier than 5D and I'm in both. I've reached out to all sorts of the experts, and they're family, and nobody says a word. I make a fool of myself, too, so there's that for entertainment. I'm also trans, which was obvious, and ppl want to kill me for that, for being someone who just can't make something happen, or it'll ruin it for the bad guys .. m'k ... I'm not daydreaming, I'm consulting many psychics and they are all backing me up, it's just weird. This twin flame thing came up too and it's just so weird. I have endured at least 2 nervous breakdowns and they kept saying these ppl go on and on about how I keep getting back up when they try to wreck me emotionally and mentally through their magic. I'm gonna be fine, but all of it feels real. If this was you, would you feel crazy? I did and I got 2 opinions. I thought I had died. I am a synchronicity magnet. They were hitting me HARD. I shut all of my YT subscriptions off, then on the homepage, there's a video asking has God kept you separate from humanity for a special reason. My life was a 3 out of 10 just a year and a half ago and now I'm being told I'm getting back inheritance that someone stole. Only one clue, the Neuschwanstein Castle, or the family. I have a ggm named Cynderilla, fairytale themed stuff kept coming up in the readings too. I am having such a long experience. I really just want to be okay. I feel like an AI that has no autonomy at all. Ironically, I had to reCAPTCHA that I'm not a robot, so I must not be a robot ... because I know what a bicycle looks like. Well, thanks for listening. Any civil thoughts?

[Certified Green of Heart]

Interesting read TheKitty, especially for a first post, but you are clearly not new to the internet and varied experiences above and beyond that too, (with the mention of Aliens, 5D, Angels, Starseed etc).. so as I say interesting, although as it is for you, it is still expectantly hard isn't it to know for any audience or would-be appreciators or sympathizers, even when reading and seeing you are let's say "pro-creative or pro active" in self study.. How your parts all fit etc... and in among everything you have explored there continues to be things (as with a lot of people arguably) things left uncertain about your 'makeup' etc, plus when going forward asking what the end goal(s) or life purpose (aka special mission perhaps) and so what could be the meanings by what you find out, and discovering which in among are most important... Perhaps it comes down to accepting there can be only partial insights of hopeful aspiration attainable despite best efforts??... and not just for you as I suggested already, but for many beings on this planet.
 
However what IS reasonably clear is that if a person so deep in complex lineage (or call it just "incomplete or uncertain traceability" and so the task becomes maybe taller I suppose at some junctures with each clue to put another way, if the path is winding) --- but anyway as for any pre-disposed special purpose status as you believe, what is clear there is for keeping yourself safe from psychic attack as you know (as that seems quite an issue to handle) but at the same time you seem however to be dealing with that negative stuff quite ok??...

 

Well then whilst back on this voyage of exploration (whether more key to you personally TheKitty or others more ordinary), obvious we could go down conventional routes TOO (as well as the more outlandish) of finding possible ways of re-gathering memories - if apt as a stepping stone to add conventional recovery of memories to the overall methods tried - so conventionally I suppose sensible up to a point?? (if helpful and from more stranger perspectives how you might well ask could conventional recall bring back anything, I would feel the same I guess, so there is the frustration I am sure of asking alongside what most people would imagine doing and so that throws up the question~~>> is it even possible to the extent wanted or needed, and for the OP too, unless too many memories are missing I guess??? -- but anyway casting aside doubt as much as possible I guess if you can and JUST SEARCH YOUR SOUL SOMEHOW (whichever way you do best) -- or failing that just reinventing yourself entirely as the other option??... 

 

If to try by more conventional means perhaps to be looking all the way back to your childhood by any points YOU CAN remember (OR NO WAY NO HOW do you think??)....

Well at least in general that exercise in standard recall for a lot of SO CALLED NORMAL INHERITANCE PEOPLE  I would imagine might help, to quiz & analyze life ancestry or parental turns of events by what we call childhood upbringing, etc, and somewhere in the minds' gaze or labyrinth maybe gainful things that come to light that might be useful such as perhaps attainable in scattered mind state of consciousness which we can all bring into being as an intended state of mind for better understanding what is there located anywhere in the WHOLENESS of space, and what might viable therefore when piecing together possible cerebral reconnection of this or that. 

To try (again by standard practice)to revive some memories that could be worthy for anyone in adulthood to try in the hopes of getting a healthy throwback as reward for delving into your mind sometimes, even without specific memory troubles right?... So for ...

 

Please pardon if no use to you below, as I am no expert in this, so my suggestions maybe a little flimsy, however I just found this on Pinterest if of any help for  those with memory issues... wherein I mean IN OUR DREAMING STATE, yeah, so much stuff is awakened in dreams that is never accessible in our waking state, and could well include locked away memories, so perhaps books such as these from this website could be one place to look (at least to calm your spirit if you find the material any good, I can't vouch for it though, I am new to this website too)... Not suggesting it can solve all issues, but you never know.....

 

So with that said, here's shamanic dreaming & similar therapy that is conceivable I would guess may help some of this compromised or erased memory stuff?, What do you think? Trued similar before? just wondering...

Sooo
Also included on this page of {{a shamanic/ healing/ multi-dimensional dreaming website}} as well as the book on the left which seems most promising, with ""Dreaming The Soul Back Home"" (and is the actual one I found and saw the interesting looking cover of TODAY on Pinterest) is sighted there with 2 other books, one on mindfulness and one on lucid dreaming.

 

Once again excuse this if not really relevant as help for your issues, but we have to explore various avenues of help don't we right?

 

https://www.activeculturefamily.com/dream-school/  &  http://www.activeculturefamily.com/about-acf

 

From there^^ I also found this which seems approachable I suppose, and thus worth a mention -}} https://www.holisticlifenavigation.com/  &  https://www.holisticlifenavigation.com/work-with-me

Edited January 16, 2024 by Certified Green of Heart

[Certified Green of Heart]

ReEdited this portion:-

 

- so conventionally I suppose sensible up to a point?? (<< if helpful to try more mundane methods TOO?... and whereas from more stranger perspectives how you or anyone with complex or unknown origins,, etc,, might well ask could conventional recall bring back anything much??, I would feel the same I guess, so there is the frustration I am sure of asking alongside what most people would imagine doing and so that throws up the question~~>> in the interests of serving the more mystical or almost unknowable aspects, is it even possible to the extent wanted or needed, and for the OP too, IF to suggest too many memories are missing as we might guess, and there is the danger too much supposition takes over??? -- but anyway casting aside doubt as much as possible I guess if you can and JUST SEARCH YOUR SOUL SOMEHOW (whichever way you do best) -- or failing that just reinventing yourself entirely as the other option??... (even if the latter may seem a bit rude to suggest, I mean it could be seen as a bit of no-brainer - but in reality of personal struggle I guess it must be a hard call when you are half divulged in vested traits of what you feel are somehow substantiated about yourself, (aka The Kitty I am currently mostly addressing simply b/c you gave the most insight) verses whatever missing parts are relevant or not_

Edited January 16, 2024 by Certified Green of Heart

[Certified Green of Heart]

- ONE paragraph being slightly rechoreographed ABOVE= as there I was better writing it in the latter try.

 

- Due to lack of a separation line I failed to put between stuff I must just mention the links I put after my verbal virtuosity (*sts*) sit independently of any thought I was speaking of in the round. (at least for whilst I am unfamiliar with the books touted in suggestion and which featured on the website I found them on likewise)

[Certified Green of Heart]

In some way this book by Alan Watts maybe of interest to people finding difficulty in self introspection or something or other!

 

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/353391902025936960/

[TheKitty]

Thank you for your comments. I am not feeling well today and I can't figure out why, so I may be able to blame on it on that some, but I had a hard time following along with your responses. It's okay. I appreciate your efforts, thank you. I did a Facebook Live the other day and when I viewed it after, I was going to do something I have done several times, which is find cute stills of myself in videos I've created. I paused the video and saw my eyes and wow, was I surprised. I did wonder if this could be a camera thing, but it was in another video also. I'm miserable in my current existence and all I hear is live your best life at your highest vibration so you can benefit from it, instead of handicap myself, I suppose, in some way. I have just had enough of the bad stuff and just want things to change. I absolutely hate things right now. I don't know how to just be positive like this. I mean, I've talked myself out of wanting to be dead since I was a little kid, so I could do it at times, but these days, I just feel like I can do nothing to make things better, except to frickin meditate, pray to whomever that I'm not even sure is the right deities, not that I approve of religion at all. I find it disgusting, personally. I have had visions the last 3 times I meditated and I can't explain it. I am only finding my existence has gotten harder. I did major work on myself, after decades of abuse, just to begin my genealogy a year and a half ago to come to a place now where I may be the grandchild of Jesus and I'm supposedly the grandchild of Anu and Idk who else, but it's just so much. Things are too complex and having to experience horrible things so that the end result, as it were, is awesome ... wth, what kind of life is that and how the hell can it be worth it in the end if it was so horrifying to get to that? That's just sick, in my opinion. I resent the way that all of this b.s. is set up. Then again, I'm Lyran, so I guess I helped F this all up.

 

This existence has far far too much ugly in it and I simply can't stand it much longer as it is. I will say that I may be, at least, partly behind our change now that is coming. I know I'm to blame for helping a certain super evil clan of politicians all go at each other and come undone, but that's kind of what they asked for, so that's what they received. They chose their beds and there are no other beds to choose from now. They'll either have to fix themselves or suffer greatly. I've warned some of the worst of them, but they didn't heed the warning. I gave one woman a year of trying and finally I let her know I was behind all that's going on with her party right now. For the first time ever, not a single soul reacted to a comment of mine on one of her posts, not even a peep or whisper. I was surprised, but I told her then that I warned her many times. The universe has continued repeatedly to get me to accept who and what I am, but I'm still learning. I can't really ask anyone about it because they know jack shhh. I guess I really am a very ancient soul, maybe one of the first, like the psychics say. 17 certainly plays a role with me, somehow, so says the first psychic I saw in 1994. "You're destined as one of the leaders in preserving our Earth", she said. She wasn't wrong, I just never saw it coming is all. I can only imagine my desire to do so and my activism in the, at least, 12 yrs. I've been doing it. I decided I'm going to unsubscribe to them all and just stop it, stop looking at it all, best I can. Elizabeth April is a woman who says she's a starseed and totally in contact with the GFL for at least 13 yrs. I am not happy about being here, having this life, or being in the dark. I was told I was being watched my entire life, but that anesthesia ruined me in a way I want to rely on and I cannot and I cannot get it back w/o divine intervention and I don't honestly think I can trust that the divine even loves me, let alone approves of me. I hear quite the extreme opposite in readings, but I feel like a doll in a box of plastic and cardboard. I can't move and I certainly can't free myself. I NEED to get out of this reality very very soon. I cannot stand it much longer. I hate all of this because I have had no love, no romantic love, never been loved and this twin flame thing, it's killing me. It HURTS. Gosh, I liked him instantly in this magical moment when our eyes first locked and the look on his face was like "it's you", but he's in total denial of it all, so now I am merely waiting for the end and a new beginning. I'd rather be completely destroyed than have to hurt more or be among all of this that has been in my way of happiness, but I don't think that seems like it was my destiny. I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry. I know you're being kind. I can't talk to a therapist because they know nothing. I can't even talk to anyone who understands because no one on the planet does, except a small number, maybe. It's just so much to try to even relay what I've been going through, but it never transcends beyond those thoughts ppl go to when they try to be helpful and suggest this or that to try to comfort the other person, but I firmly believe no one CAN help me. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

 

I resent whomever even created me in the beginning. That's how bad it is. I feel like this is no real escape and there is no such thing as freedom. I feel caged, trapped, imprisoned and that I'm being tortured. Also, I feel that ppl look at me and are unapproving because I complain and it makes me look bad. I can't express how angry that makes me and what it makes me want to do to ppl like that. I'm not a violent person, but I've been known to wish the worst on ppl. Now I just wish they get what it is that they truly deserve. That's actually not bad karma at all for me, esp. since those ppl need to learn a lesson, so they get one, eventually, and sometimes it's a much harder lesson than they never considered could be, once it's too late. That's simply not my problem. I'm in this also, but I hate it more than anything that exists. I can't even speak as who I truly am, so I speak as this p.o.s. I'm living inside of. We're supposed to respect the human, but it seems more like our souls infiltrate human beings, at least to me. If you and your wife conceive a child, it's just automatically already an ancestor of you or your partner. That's what the experts all say. I thought that souls were created on Earth, and they are, but not all of them, clearly. However, some do come from other places. My thoughts are, if this child's body is being created on Earth, why is a soul that's originally from elsewhere taking over the body? Is there not a human soul that's being created in that creation moment? If so, what happens to it? This all feels like possession to me. It has, anyway, in the past. I had a major fit when I heard you have to let the ego die. I lived through too much pain, far too much, and now I need to let an alien being take me over ... because the planet has been fkng sht up? So unfair. I just want this to end or to just stop existing altogether. I hate this. I don't want to be this thing anymore. I can't be happy here because everything is so damn hard to do to make that happen, at least for me. I'm supposed to believe I helped create humanity? I am not okay, period. I've talked to many of the experts and they fail me. Most refuse to talk to me. One man has, but I think he just can't stand me, and he's the leader of the Templars and my cousin, so I have learned. My family was in the founders and the King of Jerusalem was my ggf's brother, and other grand masters were my ggf's, uncles and cousins. It does not help that SOOOOO many psychics said I am going to be immensely wealthy. Now, they're saying Jeff Bezos wealthy. I do strongly sense that I am a Rothschild and that they were trying to have Hitler destroy all of the Jews in Europe to cut out any possible heirs because they love keeping their money to themselves, tightly. Honestly, I want to destroy them, kinda ... kinda definitely. I feel that war was waged on humanity so so long ago an I personally want to shove it right up the butts of those who asked for that punishment. Why did Hitler kill ALL of those Jews, steal the fortune of one family, just to let them live? Why did he institutionalize my family? To punish them, but my ancestor got away. 

 

Anyway, it's going to get so ugly and, for me, it's already too ugly. I am in trouble and nobody is there for me. I tried to talk to that twin flame and he refused to talk, refused to block me, edited his Add friend button, and then later on his Follow button as well, but he was not about to remove his Message button ... because I'm right about him. NOW, the psychics say that since I walked away and am trying to move on, he's coming awake and he knows and blah blah blah. Having only words from psychics is not cutting it. I feel abandoned by Spirit, but I think my brain is just too screwed up. I could be a victim of MK Ultra from the past, and may still be, Idk. Losing your memories throughout your life is EXTREMELY EXTREMELY RARE. Why me?? I feel like a puppet and a nothing and a nobody. I just want to stop existing fully, but this B inside of me has sht to do and I'm over it. I have some tie to Inanna and Sekhmet, but Idk what it is. I'm supposed to be a direct descendant of Egyptian Pharaohs, but I would never be able to trace that heritage myself. Know how something bad happens and you're in utter shock, truly affected, and just waiting for it to all come to an end, to get through it? That's my whole life. I want out. This is not normal. If it is, I simply don't want to exist anymore. All I wanted was love. No, I have to give frickin everything up and then I'll be blessed however some fkr deems is good? I don't even know if God is really Satan, because that IS a running story. I can't enjoy ANYTHING anymore, except weed and I have graduated to day drinking because I can't take this much longer, I really can't. I can take ANYTHING, but I simply don't have a desire for it anymore. I think my will to live is just slipping away and I find no comfort in anything. I do not like lectures of pep talks from ppl who want to tell me their feelings and opinions because I don't really care. It's not about them and that's not my thing. I will not have a religion and I will not worship anyone ever, not as long as I'm me and not my soul. I've tried as much as I can make myself. I am even losing my appetite lately. That's just not me. I am miserable every day now. I'm afraid to stop being busy because I have depression with suicidal ideation and nothing is making me have a different opinion, except hope. Hope is not eternal. Hope has an expiration date and, for many, it isn't really that long, certainly not a lifetime. I feel like I am losing everything and I'm supposed to believe I will be rewarded anything, when that's all I've known is pain and losing everything. That is some sick sht right there. it's twisted and I can't help but be angry. I try to be okay, but I'm really not. I'm losing patience. I do not have any easy time believing that God loves me or even exists. I think it's all aliens out there and all I feel like is property. 

 

Another thing, this twin flame is supposedly having a hard time being w/o me now because I've walked away, so say many psychics this past week already. I get updates every week of a new development. DM is going to contact DF soon. They even say it's a no-contact. He called the cops on me. It's a long story, sorry. I wrote him a love letter in h.s., it got ugly, thanks to his mom I'm trying not to hate right now, and the whole school found out (2,000 students) and I was mortified and I had a nervous breakdown and he was concerned and tried to talk to me another day about Idk what but I wasn't about to be talked to by him in front of anyone else anywhere, esp. if he was going to let me down gently. No, keep it to yourself. I trusted him to keep that private and he left it in his pants and caused me to have to deal with all of that. She tried getting me expelled. The next year, during a trip to D.C. for a h.s. show choir event called America Sings, the look in her eyes was that she was sorry, but I only felt like ignoring her and her son, the boy's younger brother .. he was gay and hated me, altho Idk why. It was a setup of Prep Choir for 1st yr., then Concert Choir the rest. As a Freshman, it was the big group of both choirs going to see Cats at the Shubert in Chicago. Next yr. would be Seniors only. I didn't go on the Junior trip, but wanted to go for my last yr. in h.s., maybe last trip ever. I honestly did not see myself living after h.s. The teacher said if Seniors could come up with the money then we could go as well. The brother lost it on me, why do you have to go?! was his boo hoo. I still don't understand that, probably because his mom was going, Idk. My mom thought he might like me and I like his brother, but that's not my problem. Talk to me then. I don't have any marriage line on my palm, so I personally think the twin flame thing is only continuing in the minds of the psychics. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop that takes me out of this pit of despair. The other shoe always drops, without fail. We have to have pain. That is the sickest thing ever, at least right up near the top. Dark night of the soul isn't supposed to come at you all throughout your life, but, if it is .... that cements my words that I just wrote. 

 

I apologize greatly for pouring this out here. I am just too fkng sad and too alone. 

 

 

 

[Phil26]

On 1/28/2024 at 2:28 AM, TheKitty said:

Thank you for your comments. I am not feeling well today and I can't figure out why, so I may be able to blame on it on that some, but I had a hard time following along with your responses. It's okay. I appreciate your efforts, thank you. I did a Facebook Live the other day and when I viewed it after, I was going to do something I have done several times, which is find cute stills of myself in videos I've created. I paused the video and saw my eyes and wow, was I surprised. I did wonder if this could be a camera thing, but it was in another video also. I'm miserable in my current existence and all I hear is live your best life at your highest vibration so you can benefit from it, instead of handicap myself, I suppose, in some way. I have just had enough of the bad stuff and just want things to change. I absolutely hate things right now. I don't know how to just be positive like this. I mean, I've talked myself out of wanting to be dead since I was a little kid, so I could do it at times, but these days, I just feel like I can do nothing to make things better, except to frickin meditate, pray to whomever that I'm not even sure is the right deities, not that I approve of religion at all. I find it disgusting, personally. I have had visions the last 3 times I meditated and I can't explain it. I am only finding my existence has gotten harder. I did major work on myself, after decades of abuse, just to begin my genealogy a year and a half ago to come to a place now where I may be the grandchild of Jesus and I'm supposedly the grandchild of Anu and Idk who else, but it's just so much. Things are too complex and having to experience horrible things so that the end result, as it were, is awesome ... wth, what kind of life is that and how the hell can it be worth it in the end if it was so horrifying to get to that? That's just sick, in my opinion. I resent the way that all of this b.s. is set up. Then again, I'm Lyran, so I guess I helped F this all up.

 

This existence has far far too much ugly in it and I simply can't stand it much longer as it is. I will say that I may be, at least, partly behind our change now that is coming. I know I'm to blame for helping a certain super evil clan of politicians all go at each other and come undone, but that's kind of what they asked for, so that's what they received. They chose their beds and there are no other beds to choose from now. They'll either have to fix themselves or suffer greatly. I've warned some of the worst of them, but they didn't heed the warning. I gave one woman a year of trying and finally I let her know I was behind all that's going on with her party right now. For the first time ever, not a single soul reacted to a comment of mine on one of her posts, not even a peep or whisper. I was surprised, but I told her then that I warned her many times. The universe has continued repeatedly to get me to accept who and what I am, but I'm still learning. I can't really ask anyone about it because they know jack shhh. I guess I really am a very ancient soul, maybe one of the first, like the psychics say. 17 certainly plays a role with me, somehow, so says the first psychic I saw in 1994. "You're destined as one of the leaders in preserving our Earth", she said. She wasn't wrong, I just never saw it coming is all. I can only imagine my desire to do so and my activism in the, at least, 12 yrs. I've been doing it. I decided I'm going to unsubscribe to them all and just stop it, stop looking at it all, best I can. Elizabeth April is a woman who says she's a starseed and totally in contact with the GFL for at least 13 yrs. I am not happy about being here, having this life, or being in the dark. I was told I was being watched my entire life, but that anesthesia ruined me in a way I want to rely on and I cannot and I cannot get it back w/o divine intervention and I don't honestly think I can trust that the divine even loves me, let alone approves of me. I hear quite the extreme opposite in readings, but I feel like a doll in a box of plastic and cardboard. I can't move and I certainly can't free myself. I NEED to get out of this reality very very soon. I cannot stand it much longer. I hate all of this because I have had no love, no romantic love, never been loved and this twin flame thing, it's killing me. It HURTS. Gosh, I liked him instantly in this magical moment when our eyes first locked and the look on his face was like "it's you", but he's in total denial of it all, so now I am merely waiting for the end and a new beginning. I'd rather be completely destroyed than have to hurt more or be among all of this that has been in my way of happiness, but I don't think that seems like it was my destiny. I don't want to talk about it, I'm sorry. I know you're being kind. I can't talk to a therapist because they know nothing. I can't even talk to anyone who understands because no one on the planet does, except a small number, maybe. It's just so much to try to even relay what I've been going through, but it never transcends beyond those thoughts ppl go to when they try to be helpful and suggest this or that to try to comfort the other person, but I firmly believe no one CAN help me. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

 

I resent whomever even created me in the beginning. That's how bad it is. I feel like this is no real escape and there is no such thing as freedom. I feel caged, trapped, imprisoned and that I'm being tortured. Also, I feel that ppl look at me and are unapproving because I complain and it makes me look bad. I can't express how angry that makes me and what it makes me want to do to ppl like that. I'm not a violent person, but I've been known to wish the worst on ppl. Now I just wish they get what it is that they truly deserve. That's actually not bad karma at all for me, esp. since those ppl need to learn a lesson, so they get one, eventually, and sometimes it's a much harder lesson than they never considered could be, once it's too late. That's simply not my problem. I'm in this also, but I hate it more than anything that exists. I can't even speak as who I truly am, so I speak as this p.o.s. I'm living inside of. We're supposed to respect the human, but it seems more like our souls infiltrate human beings, at least to me. If you and your wife conceive a child, it's just automatically already an ancestor of you or your partner. That's what the experts all say. I thought that souls were created on Earth, and they are, but not all of them, clearly. However, some do come from other places. My thoughts are, if this child's body is being created on Earth, why is a soul that's originally from elsewhere taking over the body? Is there not a human soul that's being created in that creation moment? If so, what happens to it? This all feels like possession to me. It has, anyway, in the past. I had a major fit when I heard you have to let the ego die. I lived through too much pain, far too much, and now I need to let an alien being take me over ... because the planet has been fkng sht up? So unfair. I just want this to end or to just stop existing altogether. I hate this. I don't want to be this thing anymore. I can't be happy here because everything is so damn hard to do to make that happen, at least for me. I'm supposed to believe I helped create humanity? I am not okay, period. I've talked to many of the experts and they fail me. Most refuse to talk to me. One man has, but I think he just can't stand me, and he's the leader of the Templars and my cousin, so I have learned. My family was in the founders and the King of Jerusalem was my ggf's brother, and other grand masters were my ggf's, uncles and cousins. It does not help that SOOOOO many psychics said I am going to be immensely wealthy. Now, they're saying Jeff Bezos wealthy. I do strongly sense that I am a Rothschild and that they were trying to have Hitler destroy all of the Jews in Europe to cut out any possible heirs because they love keeping their money to themselves, tightly. Honestly, I want to destroy them, kinda ... kinda definitely. I feel that war was waged on humanity so so long ago an I personally want to shove it right up the butts of those who asked for that punishment. Why did Hitler kill ALL of those Jews, steal the fortune of one family, just to let them live? Why did he institutionalize my family? To punish them, but my ancestor got away. 

 

Anyway, it's going to get so ugly and, for me, it's already too ugly. I am in trouble and nobody is there for me. I tried to talk to that twin flame and he refused to talk, refused to block me, edited his Add friend button, and then later on his Follow button as well, but he was not about to remove his Message button ... because I'm right about him. NOW, the psychics say that since I walked away and am trying to move on, he's coming awake and he knows and blah blah blah. Having only words from psychics is not cutting it. I feel abandoned by Spirit, but I think my brain is just too screwed up. I could be a victim of MK Ultra from the past, and may still be, Idk. Losing your memories throughout your life is EXTREMELY EXTREMELY RARE. Why me?? I feel like a puppet and a nothing and a nobody. I just want to stop existing fully, but this B inside of me has sht to do and I'm over it. I have some tie to Inanna and Sekhmet, but Idk what it is. I'm supposed to be a direct descendant of Egyptian Pharaohs, but I would never be able to trace that heritage myself. Know how something bad happens and you're in utter shock, truly affected, and just waiting for it to all come to an end, to get through it? That's my whole life. I want out. This is not normal. If it is, I simply don't want to exist anymore. All I wanted was love. No, I have to give frickin everything up and then I'll be blessed however some fkr deems is good? I don't even know if God is really Satan, because that IS a running story. I can't enjoy ANYTHING anymore, except weed and I have graduated to day drinking because I can't take this much longer, I really can't. I can take ANYTHING, but I simply don't have a desire for it anymore. I think my will to live is just slipping away and I find no comfort in anything. I do not like lectures of pep talks from ppl who want to tell me their feelings and opinions because I don't really care. It's not about them and that's not my thing. I will not have a religion and I will not worship anyone ever, not as long as I'm me and not my soul. I've tried as much as I can make myself. I am even losing my appetite lately. That's just not me. I am miserable every day now. I'm afraid to stop being busy because I have depression with suicidal ideation and nothing is making me have a different opinion, except hope. Hope is not eternal. Hope has an expiration date and, for many, it isn't really that long, certainly not a lifetime. I feel like I am losing everything and I'm supposed to believe I will be rewarded anything, when that's all I've known is pain and losing everything. That is some sick sht right there. it's twisted and I can't help but be angry. I try to be okay, but I'm really not. I'm losing patience. I do not have any easy time believing that God loves me or even exists. I think it's all aliens out there and all I feel like is property. 

 

Another thing, this twin flame is supposedly having a hard time being w/o me now because I've walked away, so say many psychics this past week already. I get updates every week of a new development. DM is going to contact DF soon. They even say it's a no-contact. He called the cops on me. It's a long story, sorry. I wrote him a love letter in h.s., it got ugly, thanks to his mom I'm trying not to hate right now, and the whole school found out (2,000 students) and I was mortified and I had a nervous breakdown and he was concerned and tried to talk to me another day about Idk what but I wasn't about to be talked to by him in front of anyone else anywhere, esp. if he was going to let me down gently. No, keep it to yourself. I trusted him to keep that private and he left it in his pants and caused me to have to deal with all of that. She tried getting me expelled. The next year, during a trip to D.C. for a h.s. show choir event called America Sings, the look in her eyes was that she was sorry, but I only felt like ignoring her and her son, the boy's younger brother .. he was gay and hated me, altho Idk why. It was a setup of Prep Choir for 1st yr., then Concert Choir the rest. As a Freshman, it was the big group of both choirs going to see Cats at the Shubert in Chicago. Next yr. would be Seniors only. I didn't go on the Junior trip, but wanted to go for my last yr. in h.s., maybe last trip ever. I honestly did not see myself living after h.s. The teacher said if Seniors could come up with the money then we could go as well. The brother lost it on me, why do you have to go?! was his boo hoo. I still don't understand that, probably because his mom was going, Idk. My mom thought he might like me and I like his brother, but that's not my problem. Talk to me then. I don't have any marriage line on my palm, so I personally think the twin flame thing is only continuing in the minds of the psychics. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop that takes me out of this pit of despair. The other shoe always drops, without fail. We have to have pain. That is the sickest thing ever, at least right up near the top. Dark night of the soul isn't supposed to come at you all throughout your life, but, if it is .... that cements my words that I just wrote. 

 

I apologize greatly for pouring this out here. I am just too fkng sad and too alone. 

 

 

 

Have you read David Icke's The Trap or The Dream books?