Steven Tansell

A few conversations I had with my first wife over the years! Wife -'if you were half a man you'd take me to the circus'! Me - 'if I were half a man, I'd be in the circus'! Wife- 'do you notice anything different about me today'? Me- 'you've had your hair done'? Wife- 'NO' Me- 'you've got a different lipstick'? Wife 'NO' Me - 'a new dress'? Wife-'NO' Me - 'O.K. I give up, what is it'? Wife - 'I'm wearing a gas mask'! Wife - 'you never talk to me when we make love' Me 'well I don't want to wake you'! Wif- 'Did you actually go to school stupid'? Me- 'Yes, but I always came back stupid'! Me- 'do you fancy trying the 'wheelbarrow position' tonight'? Wife- 'well how does that work'? Me - 'you strip off, then get on your hands and knees, I get behind you, lift your legs as if they were barrow handles, and away we go'! Wife - 'O.K. I'll give a go, but, on one condition'! Me - 'what condition'? Wife - 'You have to promise me that you won't push me past my mother's house'! Me- 'darling, do you fancy a change of position tonight'? Wife-'now that IS a good idea, you get behind the ironing board, and I'll lie on the settee scratching my bollocks and farting all night'! My mother in law hasn't spoken to me for quite a while now, she's annoyed because I never held the car door open for her! I'll be quite honest and hold my hand up here, yes I am guilty, but, I just panicked and swam for the surface!

Crazy days when I had a steady stream of ebay customers, and it seemed, a steady stream of cigar boxes!

You wanna see his tuning fork When I was a kid the old road workers used to fry eggs on their shovels over an old brazier, then of course came the great council road worker cull of 1975 when scientists came up with a shovel that could stand up on it's own! It was the death knell for many an old shovel leaning worker who suddenly lost any support that they might have had, and sadly many had to go!

I've always loved Justin Johnson, he's one crazy mutherfucker!

Some of the stuff I made for my grandkids, pic four is a hillbilly footstomper with a lead to an amp, and my grandson got a catapult I made for him! Every boy needs a 'cattie'!

A wig and a turd entered a bar, the wig ordered two double whiskies, but the barman refused to serve them, the turd demanded to know 'WHY'? The barman replied 'because you are steaming, and he' he said pointing to the wig, 'he is definately off his head'! A man in the pub said to his mate at the bar 'there's a dog in the garden with two arseholes'! His mate laughed, until he looked out of the window and saw Joe Biden and Donald Trump sitting on a bench with a Poodle on a lead!

I've been wondering? do you think acupuncture could cure 'pins and needles'? Also, if smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures kippers?

I recently went to see 'The original Drifters' in concert, I was mildly disappointed to be honest They turned out to be a group of blokes in a leaky dinghy, and they couldn't even hold a tune together, their rendition of 'Under the boardwalk' left a lot to be desired!

Or Welsh, they have the same sing song lilt in their voices, whenever someone called Mary or Jane, but are clearly India based phone to sell me something, I always ask what the weather is like in Cardiff? A lady phoned me some time back about my 'recent accident' something that was absolute news to me! So, 'in for a penny in for a pound' as the saying goes! I said 'blimey that was quick, it only happened about half an hour ago' She said 'can you talk me through it'? I said 'O.K., well I was going down Wilson Avenue towards Brighton seafront when I was distracted by a clown running along the grass verge with a very old nun sitting on his shoulders! I've seen many strange sights in my life, but this was 'virgin on the rediculous'! Suddenly, right there in front of me was a U.F.O. flying very low across the road in front of me, I tried to swerve and avoid the U.F.O., but, HELLO ARE YOU STILL THERE? HELLO'? I seemed to have lost the connection? That was quite some time ago, and she still hasn't phoned back yet!

It isn't going away anytime soon, that's for certain!

LOTS OF THINGS IN EVERYDAY LIFE ARE HARD TO SPOT RIGHT AWAY!

Talking of eggs, when I was a bit of a player with the ladies I once asked a one night stand 'how do you like your eggs in the morning'? She looked at me and said 'preferably unfertilised thanks' We'd had a few drinks and the next morning I woke up to find a piece of string hanging out of my mouth, my first thought was 'Oh my god, please let it be a teabag'! Alas, I was wrong!

I knew their cousins, Arthur and Martha, a lot of people couldn't tell who was Arthur and who was Martha, but there are a lot of confused people in the Kemptown area, or so my Auntie Dave tells me anyway!

I live in Brighton and we have more 'Queens' here than there are in any history books that have ever been published! The Kemptown area has many transgender types and all the other sub-species of this form of humanity by the bucket load! A few years back I took on my nephew's lucher because his new landlord didn't allow dogs, his dog was called 'Willie' but he was only a pup and I changed his name to 'Bosley' because there was no way I was going to be shouting 'Willie, Willie' in that area, that was just looking for trouble!

I remember as a kid, granddad took me with him into Barclays bank to see about borrowing some money, the manager's door opened and out came this cool looking man in buckskin suit, a white hat, red bandana and a black mask with pearl handled sixguns in twin holsters, he shook hands with granddad and said 'Hello George,' I said 'granddad, who's that mysterious stranger'? And granddad said 'Son, that's the loan arranger'! Now this has nothing to do with westerns whatsoever, but, I had some sad news a few weeks ago, I was in Morrison supermarket and one of the staff told me that the lifesized cardboard copper had handed his notice in after breaking down in tears and screaming 'I can't take it anymore, I'm just not cut out for this type of work'! Apparently, vandals had pulled him out of the shop doorway and left him crumpled up in a nearby bin!Now, I don't know about you? but, personally, I just can't stand bent coppers! Someone told me that during the dinner break he was caught by a security guard sticking his willy in the bacon slicer, her husband found out and made her leave the job!

DEAL OR NO DEAL?

Talking of tidying your ladies garden, a lady I know had a very tight husband who controlled the purse strings in their relationship. She needed new knickers, he said he couldn't afford to buy her any, so the next time they went to Lidl she bent over one of the lower shelves and he saw she wasn't wearing any pants! 'Where's yer knickers'? he whispered to her. She said 'they're old and worn out, I had to bin them'! He fumbled about in his pocket and produced a pound coin 'here' he said and handed her the coin. 'That's no good to me' she said 'I can't get knickers for a pound anymore'! { she used to buy thongs for a pound each when she was single, but 99p's worth were up the crack of her arse to be honest } He replied 'no, that's true, you can't, but you can buy a comb and tidy yourself up a bit'!

I remember this, my wife said 'wow he looks like Bowie' No mate, I wouldn't laugh it off, situations and circumstances are becoming weirder by the day!

I'd be hard pushed to give a specific reason, but Alec Baldwin makes my skin crawl, as did Jimmy So-Vile, and Terry Wogan, and don't get me started on that land whale James Corden!

Tom Cruise has never been big, he's always been a midget, interesting fact coming up, he started his showbiz 'career' as a 'JACK IN THE BOX' in the Mary Arnold Toys shop in Upper East Side in New York City! From there he got to play T.C. in TOP CAT, and it was those initials that inspired him to become Tom Cruise!

It seems to me that most of these 'SMART' devices are smarter than the 'DUMB' people who own them, no OWN is not the right word, 'WORSHIP' would be a better word, smarter than the dumb people who worship them!