Steven Tansell

A few conversations I had with my first wife over the years! Wife -'if you were half a man you'd take me to the circus'! Me - 'if I were half a man, I'd be in the circus'! Wife- 'do you notice anything different about me today'? Me- 'you've had your hair done'? Wife- 'NO' Me- 'you've got a different lipstick'? Wife 'NO' Me - 'a new dress'? Wife-'NO' Me - 'O.K. I give up, what is it'? Wife - 'I'm wearing a gas mask'! Wife - 'you never talk to me when we make love' Me 'well I don't want to wake you'! Wif- 'Did you actually go to school stupid'? Me- 'Yes, but I always came back stupid'! Me- 'do you fancy trying the 'wheelbarrow position' tonight'? Wife- 'well how does that work'? Me - 'you strip off, then get on your hands and knees, I get behind you, lift your legs as if they were barrow handles, and away we go'! Wife - 'O.K. I'll give a go, but, on one condition'! Me - 'what condition'? Wife - 'You have to promise me that you won't push me past my mother's house'! Me- 'darling, do you fancy a change of position tonight'? Wife-'now that IS a good idea, you get behind the ironing board, and I'll lie on the settee scratching my bollocks and farting all night'! My mother in law hasn't spoken to me for quite a while now, she's annoyed because I never held the car door open for her! I'll be quite honest and hold my hand up here, yes I am guilty, but, I just panicked and swam for the surface!

Crazy days when I had a steady stream of ebay customers, and it seemed, a steady stream of cigar boxes!

You wanna see his tuning fork When I was a kid the old road workers used to fry eggs on their shovels over an old brazier, then of course came the great council road worker cull of 1975 when scientists came up with a shovel that could stand up on it's own! It was the death knell for many an old shovel leaning worker who suddenly lost any support that they might have had, and sadly many had to go!

I've always loved Justin Johnson, he's one crazy mutherfucker!

Some of the stuff I made for my grandkids, pic four is a hillbilly footstomper with a lead to an amp, and my grandson got a catapult I made for him! Every boy needs a 'cattie'!

A wig and a turd entered a bar, the wig ordered two double whiskies, but the barman refused to serve them, the turd demanded to know 'WHY'? The barman replied 'because you are steaming, and he' he said pointing to the wig, 'he is definately off his head'! A man in the pub said to his mate at the bar 'there's a dog in the garden with two arseholes'! His mate laughed, until he looked out of the window and saw Joe Biden and Donald Trump sitting on a bench with a Poodle on a lead!

I've been wondering? do you think acupuncture could cure 'pins and needles'? Also, if smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures kippers?

I recently went to see 'The original Drifters' in concert, I was mildly disappointed to be honest They turned out to be a group of blokes in a leaky dinghy, and they couldn't even hold a tune together, their rendition of 'Under the boardwalk' left a lot to be desired!

Or Welsh, they have the same sing song lilt in their voices, whenever someone called Mary or Jane, but are clearly India based phone to sell me something, I always ask what the weather is like in Cardiff? A lady phoned me some time back about my 'recent accident' something that was absolute news to me! So, 'in for a penny in for a pound' as the saying goes! I said 'blimey that was quick, it only happened about half an hour ago' She said 'can you talk me through it'? I said 'O.K., well I was going down Wilson Avenue towards Brighton seafront when I was distracted by a clown running along the grass verge with a very old nun sitting on his shoulders! I've seen many strange sights in my life, but this was 'virgin on the rediculous'! Suddenly, right there in front of me was a U.F.O. flying very low across the road in front of me, I tried to swerve and avoid the U.F.O., but, HELLO ARE YOU STILL THERE? HELLO'? I seemed to have lost the connection? That was quite some time ago, and she still hasn't phoned back yet!

It isn't going away anytime soon, that's for certain!

LOTS OF THINGS IN EVERYDAY LIFE ARE HARD TO SPOT RIGHT AWAY!

Talking of eggs, when I was a bit of a player with the ladies I once asked a one night stand 'how do you like your eggs in the morning'? She looked at me and said 'preferably unfertilised thanks' We'd had a few drinks and the next morning I woke up to find a piece of string hanging out of my mouth, my first thought was 'Oh my god, please let it be a teabag'! Alas, I was wrong!