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Mr Crabtree
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Everything posted by Mr Crabtree
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Hoping to 'come out of the closet'? looks to me as if he got dressed in a very dark closet putting on anything he could touch in the dark, he looks a bit like Bilbo Baggins on 'Dress Down Sunday'!
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I agree 100% give me a nice looking 'Cameltoe' anytime!
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His Nan is knitting him some 'Idiot Mittens' to go with it, remember those? they were joined together with a big string that went from one mitten, around the back of your neck and joined up with the other mitten so that you couldn't lose them! If you moved your hand away from your body the other hand shot up and punched you in the nose! She was also going to knit King Charles some ear muffs, but due to her age, she couldn't get a mortgage for the large amount of wool she would need!
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Congratulations, you're now a fully fledged London black cab driver curtesy of the Ant McPartlin school of safe driving!
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I read somewhere that the old miners used to use the camels and they escaped and bred feral offspring, we have feral Wallabies here in the U.K. in Derbyshire, feral parrakeets all around Stanstead airport etc. In Westminster a few roaming Neanderthals bred with local tribes and moved into politics where they soon became a pest species of epic proportions! One of them, 'Boriscus Ginormous' bred with many different women over a period of years and now his progeny are everywhere!
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This is a lad from my local fishing club here in Sussex, he was concentrating on his selfie of him and the carp and never saw the camel until he felt his breath on his head ! The farmer who owns the lake has three camels on his land as well as a herd of Alpacas! He also owns a campsite and apparently the animals are a popular attraction for the campers and their kids !
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He asked me to lend him a tenner once, to buy Esmerelda some flowers to try and get her in a good mood and try to convince her to join a 'Swingers Club' I said 'no, sorry, I haven't got it' and he turned quite ugly and took the hump over it and we never spoke for several years afterwards! It's just amazing how something trivial like that can put a person's back up! He became a postman for a short while but gave it up when he discovered his arms weren't long enough to reach into his bag for the letters! He was so lonely as a child, his mother had to tie a pork chop around his neck just to get the family Doberman to play with him. He was so ugly as a kid, he used to get sympathy letters from Joseph Merrick 'The Elephant Man' I believe Quasimodo was also the inspiration behind that popular kiddie's toy, Mr. potato head! When he decided to propose to Esmerelda, he went into Burtons tailors and asked 'have you got a suit that'll fit me, off the peg'? The manager said 'I'll certainly look for you sir, but if we have, I'll sack the prat who made it'! Before he ever met Esmerelda he went out with Maisy Golightly who was quite his opposite number due to the fact that she had a hunch front as opposed to his hunchback, consequently her breasts grew out of her back rather than out of her chest Quasi remarked 'she isn't much of a conversationalist, but, she's jolly good fun to dance with'!
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Quasimodo got stopped by the police after being chased by a gang of schoolboys, someone heard him scream 'Fuck off, I HAVEN'T GOT YOUR FUCKING BALL' and phoned the Old Bill! The copper said 'what's that bulge in your trouser pocket'? Quasimodo said 'It's just a picture of my dad'! The copper asked where he was going? and he replied 'I'm off to see a specialist about my hump'! A little later in the specialist's office the specialist said 'take off your overcoat, take off your jacket, take off your pullover, take off your shirt, take off your tee shirt, take off your vest'! The specialist looked and then said 'how long is it since you left school Quasi'? Quasimodo said 'thirty five years ago, WHY'? The specialist said ' didn't you ever wonder what had happened to your satchel'?
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French Cardinal admits abuse of 14 year old girl
Mr Crabtree replied to Mikhail Liebestein's topic in Today's News
Evil bastard, should have stuck to 'Bashing His Bishop' instead of abusing an innocent kid, this isn't meant as a joke by the way, I'm actually serious! NEVER trust a Frenchman, NEVER, EVER, trust a French Roman Catholic, they're a bunch of bell ringing bastards! Barman = 'which whisky do you want Quasimodo, White Horse? Johnnie Walker?, Jameson?' Quasimodo, pointing to the bottles ='The Bells, the Bells'!
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My grandad flew in Wellingtons during the war, but he had to change them for slippers because his feet kept slipping off the control pedals!
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Minor News items - Not worth a thread of their own
Mr Crabtree replied to SuperstarNeilC's topic in Today's News
I've always been a fan of Richard, and of Neil Sanders one of his regular guests, but there are a few of his guests who definitely are 'A sandwich short of a picnic'! I particularly enjoyed the 'Jo Cox ' episode, which left a lot of questions unanswered as far as government and the police were concerned! -
Fast forward 82 years from a country that 'had some bollocks' to a country who's 'leaders' etc are totally 'Full of Bollocks', they're so bent and twisted that when they die they'll have to dig their graves with a corkscrew!
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Arbor Low Stone Circle, Stonehenge of the North
Mr Crabtree replied to Means of Production's topic in Research Assistance
We visited a lovely stone circle called the Drombeg Stone Circle near Glandore in County Cork, my wife is a 'touchy feely' type of person and ran her hands all over them! It was mid March 2010 and quite a misty morning and to be fair it did feel quite mystical just being there! It was a grand holiday and we also visited Blarney Castle where I was held upside down in a type of shaft at the top of the castle so that I could 'Kiss The Blarney Stone'! Luckily, I had a change of underwear in the car
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Remember Linda Lovelace? the actress famed for her role in the pornographic 'Deepthroat' movie? She played a woman who through some genetic accident was born with her clitoris sited at the back of her throat! Her Hollywood dentist is quoted as saying 'Linda had the best set of teeth I ever had the pleasure of coming across'! That was way back in 1972 and I'm still trying to figure that one out!
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What a pair of Vaginas I was going to say, cunts, but decided that I'd be more diplomatic, more refined, softer in my language and more caring in my attitude to others, but, this pair of cunts show the average sheep mentality as far as I'm concerned! He would have been far funnier if he'd been pouring oil on her as he turned her gently on a spit with an apple in her mouth! How did I do?
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I remember boyhood comics always showing the brave American soldiers killing 'Krauts' 'Squareheads' 'Nazi Sausage Eaters' etc the Americans were always depicted as clean cut all American heroes, whilst the 'Krauts' were always rough looking thug types! 'Brainwash 'em young' always seemed to be a good idea to the producers of these pulp comics I suppose! One big Hollywood star who killed many a 'Kraut' on screen was John Wayne, an all American hero, but if he'd been billed in the films under his real name of 'Marion Morrison' he wouldn't have been seen as such a super hero, he'd have sounded more like a branch of a well known supermarket!
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I feel silly talking about this, but something that really boils my piss are stupid 'official speak' phrases that people take in, swallow wholesale then start spouting it themselves!
Our friend has a twenty eight year old daughter who's in a gay relationship and her and her girlfriend live with our friend and her husband. Whenever her daughter can't get her own way, she often headbutts the doors, walls etc, and several times she's ended up in secure hospital care and usually stops talking to anyone, but texts them instead, even if they're sitting next to her!
 The 'official' explanation they've given our friend is your daughter is 'in none verbal mode' Old fashioned thicko's like me remember this as 'not in a talkative mood'! Why doesn't anyone like our friend realise that this is yet another form of controlling people's thoughts and actions to conform to the 'New Normal'? It's like giving them new 'Buzz Words' and our friend at least, loves these silly catchphrases and takes to them like a duck to water! Meanwhile her daughter has taken over their household in a controlling manner, yesterday for instance our friend who's fifty eight years old and has hardly left ever Brighton came with us to Eastbourne for the day, and as we were driving back her 'None Verbal' daughter rang her demanding to know 'Where the hell are you'? She said driving back from Eastbourne and her daughter said 'well move yourself, I AM NOT YOUR OFFICIAL DOG SITTER'! and then cut the phone call short! I couldn't help saying 'she's not so none verbal now, is she'? She's being mollycoddled by the health people, her girlfriend and both her parents. Her four brothers are not allowed to visit the house, on her express orders, and she's told her parents she needs them to be in bed by ten thirty so that her and her girlfriend can have a good night's sleep with no household noise to annoy them!Â
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oh boy......I mean girl, girl girl girl, as Eminem says in one of his songs, hehe.Â
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I am in "non type-ative mood" atm sorry man.....but I would like to ask whose dog is being baby sitted or dog sitted?
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Is it the 58 year old that likes these ALTERNATIVE WOKE PHRASES then? or whoever takes to them like a crab to water, the one who you say takes to it as would a duck to water I mean? That one? The one that went to Eastbourne with you likes phrases the establishment invent as well as the daughter of hers?Â
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An old Yorkshire farmer who was well known for being tight fisted actually took his wife to the local cinema, and as she was paying for their seats, he saw a big wad of notes lying next to her feet. 'Quick, pick them up and hide 'em down your drawers before anybody see's you' he said. She did as she was told and in they went! As they came out of the cinema later on he said 'here pass me that cash' She put her hand down her knickers then said 'Oh Fred, it's gone, the money's gone Fred'! 'Gone'? he said 'gone, what d'yer mean it's gone, where's it gone'? She said 'Oh, hang on, it must have been that lad sitting next to me, he must have had it'! He said 'why the fu, why did you let him put his hands down yer drawers anyway'? She smiled and said 'well I didn't know he were a thief, did I'? He took her to the local pub one night and the barmaid said 'd'yer like scampi Fred'? He said 'Oh yeah, I love all them Disney films'! The barmaid said 'how long have you two been married Fred'? He replied '38 years Mary, and when I married her, her dad promised me an old cow and five acres of land, and you know what? 38 years later, and I'm still waiting for the five acres'!
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KING CHARLES THE TURD LOOKS VERY HAPPY TODAY. Someone told him that old joke about the constipated mathematician, you know the one, the constipated mathematician who had to work it out with a pencil and paper!
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Yes I do now, but it's nice to be Mr Crabtree, I've signed a few books in my fishing club and Interpol hasn't tracked me down yet, so there's a bonus right there
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Hi, I used to be Steven Tansell, then I got this new computer over this weekend, going onto this one after my old one is like going from a bike to a Lamborghini My old one was so old it had an outside toilet and the keyboard was in Roman Numerals! Anyway, I tried to sign in with my old details, but it said my password wasn't the right one, etc, etc, and now I've become Mr Crabtree I've got to be approved by a moderator! Anyway, it's me, boring old Steve, back in the fold, although I never really went away in the first place!
