Mr Crabtree

EVIAN spelled backwards is NAIVE, not quite following the thread, but you get my drift!

Last year, I got stung badly by some bees, £18.50 for a tiny jar of honey!

Nope, deadly serious this time, my wife's uncle lived along the coast from Aberystwyth and he took us up there to look at the place in his old l;ongbase Landrover we had a Cortina estate back then, and the ruts would have killed it in a few miles! Fred was one of those blokes who couldn't read very well, but it seemed as if everything he touched he could make cash from, ranging from old bikes he did up and sold to small fishing boats he bought and sold on after a bit of T.L.C. I actually cried at his funeral, and that was very unusual for me, he wasn't particularly old either, only about sixty! They never had any kids, but they had four retrievers and they lived the life of Riley with uncle Fred and auntie Sylvia! She was the one who always looked ill, whilst Fred always looked hale and hearty, and Sylvia was the one who reached her mid eighties! She used to go for long bike rides with their neighbour Ian and within three, four months of Fred dying he sold up and moved in with her! Anyway, I liked the look of the place, but my family didn't, the 'house' was basically a tin prefab type building, I thought it had potential, my wife and kids that it was creepy, we never moved there, that was in the late eighties, but we moved to Brighton in the late nineties, 'swings and roundabouts' I suppose! Enough of this serious talk, swings and roundabouts played a big part for a bloke in our street too, a judge ordered a restraining order for him to keep a five hundred metre distance from any swings and roundabouts in this country!

I have to tell you about my brother, for thirty long years he supported West Bromwich Albion, went to every game and bought all the merchandise! One day he said to his Wife 'I can't do this any more, they're crap'! He jumped in his car, drove to their grounds and nailed his season ticket, and a note saying 'FUCK YOU'! to the main gates, got back into his car and drove home! Later on when he'd calmed down he had a re-think and decided he'd been a bit hasty, and anyway he'd miss his mates and the pies and hot Bovril he used to buy, so he jumped into his car and drove back to the grounds again! This is the sad part of the story, hankies at the ready please, he got to the gates, and some rotten, lowlife, thieving bastard had only gone a nicked THE NAIL!

Stops more or less opposite West Brom market! Does the Welsh lamb still glow in the dark, curtesy of the Chernobyl fallout that landed on parts of Wales years back? I love Wales, I saw Moby Dick' at the local cinema thinking it was a documentary about the diseases Welsh hill farmers could catch from being too friendly with their sheep on cold winter nights! But it turned out to be a film about a great big fish! Is it true that Welsh hill farmers now wear kilts because the sheep have become wary of the noise trouser zips make? PARTY WEAR FOR HILL FARMERS! Joking apart though, years back we went to see a Welsh smallholding up a big track, across a ford and up into the hills at a place outside Aberystwyth called Pontefendegraid { not sure if this is how you spell it } my two girls were horrified when I told them that this was the school uniform. They said they would run away from home rather than dress like that! The man who used to live there had committed suicide and once my wife heard about that, she refused to move there!

SCARY THOUGHT, BUT WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND! WHAT WE WILL PROBABLY WEAR IN OUR 'OPEN PRISON' SOCIETY!

My wife loves to visit West Bromwich market on the tram when we have a few days in Brum at the Travelodge near the Bullring.

I never used to get there until about 00.30 to 01.00, and I never saw a keeper or a copper, only dozens of those 'Pesky Wabbits'

He was also the patron saint of Marks and Spencer lingerie too until 2000 when they dropped it as part of their general rebranding strategy! Took the heart right out the 'garden line knicker snatching' as a hobby! Many knicker snatchers gave up on the hobby and became trainspotters or took to the drink, and some others I believe, went into politics!

I don't know if she did or not, but I wasn't banging pots and pans though, I was far to busy throwing bits of fish to the hundreds of clapping seals performing to show their gratitude to the Tik Toking nurses who saved the NHS!

The Romans only thought they were helping out when he had nowhere to stay over the bank holiday, at least they put him up over the busy bank holiday, not many would have been that caring!

As an avid rabbit catcher in my younger years, I echo your sentiments, rabbits were prolific back then, and as I hunted them with nets, they were always killed humanely, OR they slipped the net and were away to live another day! When people used CYMAG gas it always angered me, it left 100% of them dead, and left unusable and inedible meat underground, and who knows what agony they died in? At least my method was quick and clean, and rabbits never had worries about mortgages, pensions, putting food on the table etc, to them life seemed forever and they we're more free mentally than we'll ever be! The landowners wanted them gone for the simple reason that six rabbits could eat as much as one sheep, but six rabbits wouldn't fetch the same price as one sheep at auction! If I hadn't netted them the cymag operators would have been given the task of ridding the land of them anyway, at least my way fed a few people! I always let milky Does with fur missing from their bodies go, because I knew they were feeding youngsters, it might sound a bit soft now, but a bit of compassion never hurt anyone! The Lickey Hills and the Waseley Hills must miss me and my nets, but maybe not, they're both Country Parks now I believe?

Yes he did, and every time he got pissed he did his little party trick of walking on water! Another party trick he did was to turn water into wine, well my party trick was just as clever as his, I had the ability to turn wine into water. Someone I shared digs with in the sixties had the habit of pissing in the sink when he was drunk, so one night I left the cold water tap trickling ever so slightly, and he stood there all night wondering why he was pissing for so long? Another thing, I always refused to join in a round with my brother and his mates because my brother always drank a double whisky with a Horlicks chaser and by the time his round came up, he was always asleep!

My favourite beer when I lived in the Midlands was Bathams! I came home blathered one night, { well, lots of nights if I'm honest} I kept falling over going upstairs and my wife at that time shouted down 'What are you clattering about for at three in the morning? don't get waking them kids up, if you do, I won't happy'! I said 'I'm just trying to get a barrel of beer upstairs'! She said 'well leave it until morning and come to bed for gawd's sake'! I said 'I can't leave it'! She said 'why not'? And I said 'because I've already drunk it you silly cow'!

Humans have fucked up the land, fucked up the sea, fucked up the clean air, fucked up the water, fucked up the train services, and now they want to go to other planets? to fuck up those too no doubt!

His brother is at Bristol university, well, I say at Bristol university, I mean he works at Bristol university, well, I say he works at Bristol university, I mean he's in the labs at Bristol university, well, I say he's in the labs at Bristol university, well, O.K. then, the truth is he's in a glass jar in the Biology labs and the first year students study him!

The coldest I've ever been was when I did a short stint in Iceland in the nineteen seventies, the manager sacked me on the third day for trying to light a fire in the big freezers at the back of the store!

A turkey is for Xmas, NOT for life!

According to 'Sussex Live' Brighton, Lancing Worthing and Chichester are going to be hit by sleet AND snow next week, as temperatures drop! I've emailed the Bishop of Chichester to remember us all in his prayers next time he's talking to Head Office! I've fed the Huskies and greased the runners on our sled, AND applied to Deliveroo for an emergency delivery position during the horrific weather that's approaching, you can't leave people who are too idle to shit, let alone cook their own meals, dying of hypothermia and hunger, can you?

Yes, I remember that story too! 20th October 2015!

Talking about that, they found a man's skeleton in a cave in County Galway, they say it's been there since 1952, a local reporter asked how they could be so certain of that date? A police spokesperson said because he was wearing a medal around his neck with the inscription 'IRISH HIDE AND SEEK WORLD CHAMPION 1951'!

They were keen enough to sell those 'HorseMeat Burgers' a few years back, anyone remember that 'mistake, 'error' or whatever they called it at the time in January 2013 when they were caught out? Tesco, Aldi and Iceland all had traces of horsemeat in their burgers! One of my burgers had so much horsemeat content it came second in the 12.30 at Aintree, 'Spicey Salami' won it, he romped home at twenty to 0ne { the other runners never even started out until ten to one!}

My wife's friend said to me the other day 'you do know don't you that just because you and a few internet nutters think it's a govt con about Nicola Bulley doesn't make it true'? I said 'You do know don't you that just because you and a few million other sheep believe everything you hear and read, doesn't make it the truth either, don't you'? She never misses a soap, is a Twat and Dec fan, and an absolute fan of 'Call The Midwife' and that sort of 'Brain Candy'!