Mr Crabtree

Thanks mate, I appreciate that, when I was a youth back in Worcestershire there was a farm I worked on during the weekends and Mrs Bayliss, the farmer's missus, used to brew, or ferment a wickedly powerful cider she called 'Tanglefoot' They had a massive orchard and they always pressed their own apples to make this deadly scrumpy and it got you pissed quicker than a Friday morning Giro cheque from the D.W.P.! There were so many families on the dole in my road they called the postman 'Giro Jim' because he always bought their beer and bingo tokens, all in the guise of a giro cheque! An Indian lad did the round for a fortnight whilst Jim was away on the Costa Brava enjoying his two weeks holiday, straight away we nicknamed him 'Postman Patel' and He seemed to like the banter and we all agreed that we'd have liked him to do the round permanently because 'Jim' could be a right misery sometimes! Unfortunately the lad was knocked of his bike and killed whilst doing his own round a few months later! I just had a though as I was checking this over for spelling mistakes, the APPLE drink was called SCRUMPY and stealing the farmers APPLES was called SCRUMPING, there just has to be a connection between certain words, besides the apples I mean! The local old boys used to say' that scrumpy is so good for you, you always get 'A good clean out' the next morning, 'it meks yer shit through the eye of a needle' ! The best laxative for me was when I looked in the rear mirror on my way home from a poaching expedition and saw the sign 'ECILOP 'lit up in the mirror! And then of course there were the 'Noddy Bikes' Our local copper had one of those, but I think he was scared to ride it half the time, he preferred his old bike most of the time! One local lad boasted that he'd given Sgt Moore's daughter a lift home from the local dancehall on his crossbar, I said 'what's so special about that'? really I think I was jealous at the time and he said 'well, she didn't know until we got home, it was my sister's bike, and it hadn't got a crossbar'! I always carried my letters of permission from local farmers and if I did 'inadvertently' stray into another area by complete accident in the dark fields, well, one rabbit looked much like another to the men in blue! Sometimes I borrowed the paper bike from the shed at the back of the local paper shop run by two lovely old ladies both spinsters and both called 'Miss Kings' you could hide that in the hedge at night, and the basket held quite a lot of bunnies too! I 'd worked there when I was still school, delivering the papers and I think the ladies knew I borrowed it, but I always kept it oiled and pumped up for them, and they turned a blind eye as long as it was there for the paper boy the next morning they were happy enough!

What? Pension money d'yer mean? They even patrol the beaches now, Rishi has a specially sworn in goat unit looking out for illegal goat people coming in on the tide!

I did want to try it, but the goat caught me nicking it and phoned the old bill, THEN THE BASTARDS CALLED FOR BACKUP! Mind you, I met a little sweetie, we're going for a drink one night, it won't be the first time I've been accused of 'acting the goat'! Apparently her sisters are coming along too, but I don't want to get palmed off with the ugly sister, I've been there, done that, so, 'No Way Jose'!

My thoughts exactly, another push towards 'It's a Bugs Life' life can be a bugger sometimes, especially if you're a member of the sheeple tribe, and there's lots of those about! Between dodging bird flu, Maskitis, monkey pox etc it's nice to come home to a lovely meal, is that why the call 'em 'MEALWORMS'? I miss me muvver's cooking, O.K. she did have a special way of burning salad, but she was an artiste when it came to the Vesta Chow Mein and 'real' beef curries! God bless her, she'll be 'up there somewhere' probably nicking the lead off the church roof!

Never mind though, it could be worse, IF he'd been born with a brain he could have turned out to be dangerous1 But fortunately enough he wasn't. if brains were made of dynamite he wouldn't have enough to blow his hat off!

I tried snorting Coke, and the bubbles went right up my nose, it's not what they crack it up to be

First in line for the firing squad I mean!

Mate, I genuinely think he should be first in line!

Sheep bleating about a system they allowed to happen, but did nothing about it, and now wished they had! Leila Pryor of Corfe Mullen having a moan up about the new 'intrusive' lights keeping the village awake ever night! I can't be arsed writing any more about twats like her, end of moan!

I just called the Tinnitus helpline, no one answered, it just kept ringing!

As far back as I can remember, my old granddad had six sugars in his cups of tea, but he always told me never to stir his tea, ever! I asked why? and he said he didn't like it sweet!

Nearly as bad as the 'Black Country' way of speaking. 'Oh arr me an our kid we'z agooin ter the chip shap fer a cod and sixpennorth of chips, dun in beef fat, you just cor beat 'em, am yo avin sum? They guz down real well with a pint of Banks's bitter! We'all sit down by the cut an watch the sun agooin' down over the gasworks, it'll be a bostin' night, an a full moon, trust me my mon, yo'll luv it'! Aynuk =What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison Ayli? Ayli= I doh know, I've never washed my 'onds in a buffalo! Aynuk 'ow many hundreths are there in an inch? Ayli= I doh know mate, there must be thousands of 'em' Ayli and Aynuk in the pub, Aynuk said 'doh drink no more beer Ayli, yo'm getting drunk'! Ayli said 'I ay drunk Aynuk, what gives yo that idea as I'm agettin' drunk'? Aynuk said 'Yo must be gettin' druke mate, yer fairce is gettin' very blurry'! Aynuk said to Ayli 'yo knows that Billy Tipton from Netherton? eez started a chicken farm in the field behind 'is 'ouse'! Ayli= 'oh arr, 'ows 'e a goin' on uv it'? Aynuk= 'they all died, all five 'undred of 'em'! Ayli = 'ow come they all died then'? Aynuk= well, Billy reckons 'e planted 'em all too deep'!

Alf Garnett, funny as fuck, although today you couldn't say a tenth of what he used to say, and yes I know it was an early attempt at double think brainwashing, when the chosen people had a knock at the blacks and other chosen people by an actor who was from the very tribe that cannot be mentioned! Still, as funny as fuck and I still watch him on YouTube! We're all aware that the actor who played his son in law was Tony Booth, father of the ever so attractive and popular Cherie Blair!And also the long term lover and eventual husband of Pat Pheonix { Elsie Tanner from Coronation Street }!

Yu tayk the biskit yu reeli du, wots rung wyh yu, wye dunt yu spel proppa lyk as wot we duz?

Mate, fuck your bad spelling, you and I are in total agreement about that slimeball Brand, him and David Walliams were probably Siamese, sorry, co joined twins when they first hit planet earth! When they split 'em, which one got the brain, and which one got the arsehole? Wen I wuz at skool i cudent spel grannfather, and now i ar one! Anyway, you put up some good posts and replies, you're also on the same wavelength as us and that's the main thing!

Man went to see doctor about being overweight! Doctor ='Just don't eat anything fatty' Man='what like chips and pies and that sort of thing'? Doctor= No, just don't eat anything, fatty'! Joke curtesy of Gary Delaney, Sarah Millican's other half! Gary, you should have gone to specsavers!Just saying mate!

Eezi ffore yu, yu liv in wayles and thay nevor ad ani grassp uf ingishh enyweigh! Why duz these dictators botha anyway, duz they think we iz thickerer than wot we iz?

When I was camping in the Alpujarra's in Spain I had many strange types of Tapas, even fried chicken feet, they tasted bit like scratchings, as in pork scratchings! The British, as a race used to be well known until fairly recent times to have the attitude 'Urrgg I couldn't eat that foreign muck' but with the advent of 'Takeaways' springing up al over the place and access to all manner of different cultural foods, things have gotten better! I knew a bus driver who worked at my garage who was about forty five before he tried his first Indian curry, it was his first, and last time, he went back to his fish and chips from the chippie opposite the bus garage here on my estate! I told him we used to eat sheep's heads from the butcher when I was a kid, and granddad always insisted they left the eyes in, 'just to see us through the week'! But we did eat 'pig's trotters' {called Cruibin in Ireland} chitterlings' 'pigs tails' 'brawn' and other concoctions with no ill effects whatsoever! There was a local saying in my area of the Midlands 'you can eat everything on a pig except the squeal'!

No family loyalty here then?, Goat Legged Lizzie and Phil The Duck are 'brown bread' and now 'King Big Flaps' is flexing his muscles and gritting his teeth! The 'Clown Prince' is led away under escort to be 'Thrown Under The Bus'! 'Prince Pinocchio' gave a final statement to the baying crowd 'Royal subjects, Plebs and Commoners, I am clearly an honest man, and I say to you now, I am being Throw under the bus, this is NOT the sort of Throne I envisaged after Mummy cleared my name of all wrongdoing! Infamy, Infamy, my brother 'Loppylugs' clearly has it in for me, he's playing a real life version of 'Game Of Thrones' and I am but a mere Pawn'! A wag in the crowd shouted 'Yeah right, you're as pure as the driven snow, did you mean PRAWN? because there's something very fishy about you, pizza boy'! That unfortunately was as far as I got because the alarm clock woke me up and it was time to get back to the real world!

The latest ad for Tesco loyalty card has a woman with a plastic smiley face, she immediately made me think of Nichola Bulley, I think I'm losing the plot!

Personally I've always felt suspicious that so many people suddenly want to take up parkour and they're not all that young either!

So did popeye!