Mr Crabtree

I love your style mate, I once asked my lieutenant 'Sir, if you and I were alone in a foxhole and we only had one rife between us, who would get it'? He said 'me being the senior rank, surely the answer is obvious'? He thought it over and said 'if the enemy attacked, and I had the weapon, what steps would you take then'? I soon told him 'fucking big ones sir, back to our own lines'!

Don't joke about ladders, I bought a 20 foot ladder in a sale with 25% off, I got it home and found out it was only a fifteen foot ladder! Anyway I was at the top of it and I fell off, luckily for me, the concrete path broke my fall, oh, and two ribs!

'Mummy, what's a lesbian'? 'I'm not too sure darling, go and ask your mother'!

Joking apart, { no, really } my father in law had a Lada Riva in the early 80's when our kids were little, and it was as solid a car as you'd get in those days, it went through snow with no problem whatsoever, the downside however was if you put the heater on the smell of hot rubber was terrible We decided to get a Lada and we got the Samara in about 1985 and that had the same rubber smell when you put the heater on, we paid £4795 for it, back then it seemed an extravagant amount of cash then, but I'd just sold our 7.5 ton horsebox because I'd just been made redundant and using a seven and half tonner to fetch our shopping from Asda caused a few parking problems of it's own! Some years back some Russian sailors were paying good money for secondhand Ladas and shipping them back home from Shoreham port here in Sussex, talk about 'coals to Newcastle' or 'selling fridges to Eskimo's' ! Talking of Eskimo's what do you call an Eskimo chav? An Innuit innit! An Eskimo on holiday in Wales broke down and so he called out the A.A, the A.A. man came out looked at the engine and said 'It looks like you've blown a seal boyo, look you, ennit' The Eskimo was quite offended and said 'Huh you can talk, I heard that you Welsh blokes shag sheep'! The A.A. man just smiled and said 'yes, and then the English buy them and eat them'!

I thought of nipping down to the seafront and watching the traffic lights change it's on Sunday afternoon at 14. 43 if anyone's interested! Apparently it's a colourful display and very, very popular with people from outlying villages in rural Sussex ,the display isn't as large as the Blackpool lights, but you get a few traders selling flags and Brighton rock, they used to sell hot cross buns, but the head of Brighton council took them to court a few years back and got an injunction against them for forging his signature on the hot cross buns! Then there's the pier to pier race between people in Ferraris using the main road and people on bikes using our wonderful bike lanes, last year it was a very close finish, the Ferrari was only 800 metres behind the winning cyclist in the 1000 metre race, a tortoise embarrassed the Ferrari driver when he overtook him in the second hour of the race, in a Lada Riva!

I'm thinking of WHISKING my wife away to the South of France and stopping in a high class hotel again, I say AGAIN because I thought about it last Easter too, I never did it of course, but at least the thought was there! But there's nothing like EGGING people on to have a CRACKING time this Easter! I took my car for a service last weekend, the vicar moaned and said I was blocking the aisle, you just can't please some people 'eh? they just don't get the point of a good YOLK do they? Seriously, { seriously? } well, that's a new one for me, but seriously, I hope you and yours have a lovely weekend!

Very sad, but I think if the pilot had taken ill and died it would have been a bit scarier and there'd have been a few more trouser accidents as passengers ran around screaming for parachutes! I was on a plane some years back and realised how old it was when I discovered it had an outside toilet, the dial on the altimeter was in Roman numerals, and the pilot's name was Pontius! The flight attendant told us all not to panic, but, the engine on the left hand wing had conked out, but, we still had the one on the right hand wing working and it might just take a little longer to reach the airport! The bloke next to me said 'I hope the other engine doesn't conk out, we'll be up here all day otherwise'! I said 'have you let the flight control know about our problems'? The flight attendant said' yes sir, we've sent them a message'! Then she added 'Don't worry, the carrier pigeons have done this before and they know where the airport is'!

Tippex was invented in 1951 by Bette Nesmith Graham an American lady, Correct me if I'm wrong!

I believe he's a dab hand at making delicious quiches and Pelmeni, the signature dish of Russian cuisine!

What's this? a remake of 'Dumb And Dumber'? Or, is it 'The Three Stooges'?

I bet she's served some shit meals in her time!

Also known as 'THE BULLSHITTER'S ALMANAC' or 'AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO SHEEP TRAINING FOR PLEASURE AND GAIN'!

The biggest and worst gender is definately the 'AGENDA' and it's coming to a town near you, OH SHIT it's already here! Pronouns anyone?

OOHH He's such a flirt, kids, if he offers you ice cream, OR offers to show you his hairy legs, OR strokes your hair, kick him in the bollocks and run the fuck away!

I was the other way to you, I used to be very right wing in the 70's = British Movement, National Front, and for a short period of time Column 88, and then came the moment when I realised we were fighting the wrong 'enemy' it was 'our' government using the very old 'divide and conquer' tactics yet again! Despite all this bollocks talked about never being allowed to leave this type of organisation, I walked away with no repercussions at all, but of course the media have to hype up this sort of thing to show how dangerous to society groups like that are! In the late 70's I had a very public row with Miriam Carling at a meeting of the 'Anti Nazi League' in Cofton Park near the British Leyland factory in Longbridge Birmingham where I worked at that time! This was blown out of all proportion and appeared in the well known magazine 'Searchlight' owned and run by a Jewish gentleman by the name of Maurice Ludmer, I gathered from the article that mister Ludmer wasn't too keen on me! I don't regret my past, it's been part of forming who I am today, but now the scales have fallen from my eyes and I can see clearly how we all get manipulated 24 / 7 by those in charge!

Me am sowwy me no mean anyting by it, me rearn my engrish off Ting Tong, she good teecher! She teech 2 ranguages, engrish and rubbish! That man, he no me, he have moore hare and moore hand sum!

I missed the Queen, twice actually, so I got the sniper rifle sights fixed, but I was too late I'm afraid, she'd already died by then! By the way, Richard 'send me money' Vobes is a scammer in my opinion, jumping on any bandwagon that might bring in a few shekels! Vobes said 'Pricked my ears'? he's more like a 'Prick with ears'!

No 'chicken go ping' then? Ris is rovery chinese recipe= Put chicken in microwave, press button, five minute later, 'chicken go ping' very, very rovery chicken! I always thought that the bloke behind the counter at our Chinese chippy had bad hands or something because he always used to say 'Sore Finger? but I later realised he was saying 'salt and vinegar'? I always thought he was a bit thick anyway, whenever I said 'Fish and chips twice please' he always replied 'O.K. O.K. I hear you first time'!

I forgot to include my final retort to the manager on my way out of the pub, 'give my regards to the microwave'!

Yep, it sure is a 'pretty, shitty, city' alright! Joking apart I took my wife and our friend to Oxford for a day last year, dirty old streets and beggars all over the place, Inspector Morse would turn in his grave! We went for dinner at Wetherspoons city centre pub 'The Swan And Castle' and after we'd paid for the meal, the waitress who brought it out to us said that the management wouldn't allow our dog on the premises! I said 'but we're sitting here on the pavement area, and there' no one else sitting out here'! She said the area outside on the street was classed as the premises too, as was any car park attached to any of the Wetherspoon premises! I said 'fair enough, you take the food back, I'll come with you and get a refund back onto my card'! She said we can't do that, you've ordered the food now! I told her I could, and would do that, because you waited until you brought out the food before moaning about the dog, and it's obvious you've already seen the dog out here with us before you brought out the food! The manager said he was 'disinclined' to give us our money back, but, we'd be allowed to eat it 'this time'! I said 'fuck you, and fuck Wetherspoons, you will reimburse us, it was your fault not ours, you should have told us before I paid! We did get our money back though, and that folks is how I was banned from Wetherspoons in Oxford city centre, and I've never set foot in any other Wetherspoons, with, or without my dog! I'm really glad they are going down the drain, the quicker, the better, as far as I'm concerned! Tim Martin the director of Wetherspoons, his face when my name gets mentioned!

Hang on a minute, them are my old Gran's bedroom curtains, I gave them to a charity shop in Greenock twenty five years ago, along with six pairs of her old long legged, elasticated, knee length, passion killer, pink drawers, he's not wearing a pair of those underneath the curtains is he? And those shoes look suspiciously like my Granddad's old 'Riverdance' shoes! What a total wanker, he couldn't rule a straight line, much less a Nation! He reminds me of the 'Hyde Park Flasher' who exposed himself to three old ladies walking their Chihuahua's not so long back, one old lady actually had a stroke, but the other two couldn't quite reach it was such a cold morning that day, he ended up having to describe himself to them!

My brother married a really miserable woman, he said 'I can make you happy, if you'll marry me, we'll get married in a real castle! They got married in a castle, but when a gang of little kids got in and started bouncing around she asked the attendant to help her to get out and find her shoes for her! He had a two week honeymoon in Benidorm and a few weeks later he found out that she was pregnant I said' I told you at the time, you should have taken her to Benidorm with you! He now thinks she's selling drugs from home while he's down the pub, I said 'why would you think that'? He said 'I was a bit late going out last night, she was in the bedroom rubbing 'Oil of Ugly' into her face and her phone rang so I answered it, and some bloke said it's only me, has the dope gone yet'? He was moaning the other day about not even being allowed to give the kids a little smack these days, like about two grammes worth just to get them to sleep'! His little girl said 'Dad, give me a tenner and I'll tell you who sleeps with mum when you're away driving your truck'! He gave her the tenner and asked who it was? She said 'it's me dad, I'm off down the shop to get some sweets, thanks for the tenner'! He asked his wife what she wanted most of all for her birthday? She said 'a divorce' and he said 'well, I wasn't thinking of spending that sort of money'! About three months after they got married she said to him 'I've got something to tell you, before I met you, I used to be a hooker'! He said 'Ooohh tell me more, this is turning me on' She said 'well my name was Nigel, and I used to play rugby for Wigan'!

I was reading that they've just opened the first Disneyland theme park in Japan, what a waste of money that was, there's no one tall enough to go on any of the rides! They won't allow me on the rides, and now the seagulls have nicked the ice cream off my cone!