Mr Crabtree

Thanks but in case you're not joking PSEUDO means phoney, trying to pass themselves off as the real thing etc!

He Brew is actually a male teabag!

I'm the same, my camera is so old it's got an outside toilet, so last week I got a Samsung A13 because it seems to have a decent camera for taking fishing pics, I've turned off the govt alert signals already, I'm not remotely in their major scaremongering tactics!

I had the same with my water meter, but the gas and electric are still the old ones!

SMART meters are only for DUMB people!

I know 'Loppy the Pseudo King' used to talk to his flowers, now he talks to cabbages too!

Or, a dog that nobody would bone?

Mary had a little lamb, until daddy shot it dead, she took it to school next day, between two slices of bread! Mary had a little lamb, he used to drive her crackers, until she got two engineering bricks, and crushed his little knackers! Someone is bound to wonder 'wouldn't that be painful'? The short answer is NOT IF YOU KEEP YOUR THUMBS OUT OF THE WAY! I used to tell that one at lots of parties, and then suddenly I lost my job as a children's entertainer with no reasons given!

Really? I'd have said no more than 495 years old if anyone had asked me she carried her age well I think, all down to a decent diet and fresh air, a pint of baby blood and a Corgi a day, keeps the doctor away!

Sorry, I nodded off then, what were you saying?

I love Keith, he's taken every drug known to mankind, 79 years old now, and still going strong, very arthritic, but, still plodding on! Check out those ears, I believe that he is the real heir to the throne and Charles is just a substitute, a ringer slipped into the Royal crib after Keith was given to a gang of gypsies camped up on on Sandringham Estate and brought up as one of their own chavies! Charles was apparently the first ever test tube baby, and rumour has it that his father was some unknown wanker who got a few quid for donating his sperm, and Loppy Lugs Charlie is actually older than they tell us he is! Just a theory, and I can't actually prove any of it, it's just hearsay handed down through my family over the last seventy years or so! SPOT THE DIFFERENCE, YEP, THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S WEARING A DIFFERENT SHIRT! I have this one below laminated and on my wall at home, I bought it in Granada one afternoon when I was slightly inebriated one Halloween about ten or twelve years ago!

Jesus was a great believer in drinking 'Adam's Ale' { water } and sometimes, for a laugh, he'd turn it into wine and him and his mates would get a 'piss up' going! Once when he'd had a few, his mates took him to a brothel, and he went upstairs with one of the 'Ladies of Horizontal Refreshment'! However, he came stomping back down in a couple of minutes, red in the face and fuming 'Peter, grab your fucking coat, we're getting out of this 'knocking shop', NOW'! Peter asked 'why lord, what's occurring'? Jesus said 'she stripped off, said 'go for it big boy, so I did, and as soon as I put my hand on it, she healed up, what a waste of silver that was'!

I do believe the weather was lovely at that time, so lovely in fact that he decided to walk home from Cornwall back to Galilee, but halfway there decided to get an Uber because his feet were getting damp and his pumps were not pumping as efficiently as they should have been!

Another thought just occurred, the Prime Mincer's country pile is called 'CHEQUERS' the rabbit hole gets deeper by the day, I bet there were some dodgy goings on there when Heath was P.M. and I'd willingly bet it never changed when 'Maggot' Thatcher was P.M. either! I wonder how many visits Jimmy So-Vile made there?

Andrew is sending a few of his porns { sorry, Pawns } over to help! He's like a big kid sometimes, sorry I meant 'He'd like a big kid, sometimes'!

NEIGH I must disagree

KING Charles? Who's he? have I missed something here? You'll tell me next that he's calling his retired Brood Mare Cami Knickers, = 'QUEEN' Camilla? I suppose if Caligua could plan to make his horse Incitatus a Consul, then Loppy Lugs has the right to call his old nag 'QUEEN'?

My friend Ricardo was thinking of going for a pint down the local with a few mates, but his missus piped up 'what about the decorating you promised to do this weekend'? He said 'whoever invented decorating want's fucking'! She said 'make your mind up Ric, last night in bed you said, whoever invented fucking want's decorating, and two minutes later you were snoring your head off'! He wanted sex, she wanted the painting done, I don't know who actually won that argument, but Ric said it ended up as a 'mat finish' and showed me his sore knees to prove it!

Agreed 100%, anyway, what good is a 'King' who can't go out in windy conditions, and also has ears bigger the the rotor blades on the 'Royal' helicopter? He's a nightmare as far as insurance goes, especially 'Public Liability Insurance' If those flaps ever hit a child in a buggy at one of his public appearances, or some low flying geese got tangled in one of those 'Lugs', just imagine the consequences to the local flora and fauna! I hope he never has to resort to wearing a hearing aid, it'll be bigger than Jodrell Bank! IF he does go through with the Coronation, I won't be watching it, I have some other urgent business in hand, I'm booked in to be watching paint dry on the kitchen door!

I was casually chatting to a group of people the other day, when this tall gawky bloke said 'Why do you always litter your conversations with swear words, you literally swamp your observations with words that belong in the gutter to be honest, WHY'? I soon gave this twat his answer 'Listen vicar, you knob head, they may be swear words as far as you're concerned, but to me they are merely conversation enhancers, O.K. '? He looked at me and then slowly shook his head, smiled and said 'Fuck me, you're right, I've never fucking thought of it like that before, thanks a fucking bunch for clearing that shit up for me, conversation enhances 'eh?, that's the dog's bollocks mate'! YOU WANNA TRY THIS COMMUNAL WINE Mr CRABTREE, IT'S AS DRY AS A NUN'S TIT!

Apparently that hemorrhoid will hit earth at 18000 miles an hour, so, I'm going down Brighton seafront because the speed limit is only twenty miles an hour there, so, slow down sucker, or risk a big fine! If it happens to hit Eastbourne it could, potentially, cause a lot of improvement to the area I was at a birthday party in Eastbourne the other week, there was a lovely buffet and plenty of those funny little things on sticks ermm what do they call them again? oh yes, pensioners that was it!

Nice one, you've ticked all the boxes there, excellent advice about dealing with those blood suckers, but what about the bigger blood suckers, the bankers, the loan companies, the government, and the even bigger blood suckers, the so called 'Royal' family and all their hangers on etc?

O.K. son, I believe you, you've captured an alien, but I'm busy right now, reading about Katie Price's latest operation, so, let him go and get on with your homework like a good lad!

HAPPY EASTER FOLKS!