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Mr Crabtree

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Mr Crabtree last won the day on March 2

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About Mr Crabtree

  • Birthday 07/11/1948

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  1. Hang on a minute, them are my old Gran's bedroom curtains, I gave them to a charity shop in Greenock twenty five years ago, along with six pairs of her old long legged, elasticated, knee length, passion killer, pink drawers, he's not wearing a pair of those underneath the curtains is he? And those shoes look suspiciously like my Granddad's old 'Riverdance' shoes! What a total wanker, he couldn't rule a straight line, much less a Nation! He reminds me of the 'Hyde Park Flasher' who exposed himself to three old ladies walking their Chihuahua's not so long back, one old lady actually had a stroke, but the other two couldn't quite reach it was such a cold morning that day, he ended up having to describe himself to them!
  2. Mr Crabtree


    My brother married a really miserable woman, he said 'I can make you happy, if you'll marry me, we'll get married in a real castle! They got married in a castle, but when a gang of little kids got in and started bouncing around she asked the attendant to help her to get out and find her shoes for her! He had a two week honeymoon in Benidorm and a few weeks later he found out that she was pregnant I said' I told you at the time, you should have taken her to Benidorm with you! He now thinks she's selling drugs from home while he's down the pub, I said 'why would you think that'? He said 'I was a bit late going out last night, she was in the bedroom rubbing 'Oil of Ugly' into her face and her phone rang so I answered it, and some bloke said it's only me, has the dope gone yet'? He was moaning the other day about not even being allowed to give the kids a little smack these days, like about two grammes worth just to get them to sleep'! His little girl said 'Dad, give me a tenner and I'll tell you who sleeps with mum when you're away driving your truck'! He gave her the tenner and asked who it was? She said 'it's me dad, I'm off down the shop to get some sweets, thanks for the tenner'! He asked his wife what she wanted most of all for her birthday? She said 'a divorce' and he said 'well, I wasn't thinking of spending that sort of money'! About three months after they got married she said to him 'I've got something to tell you, before I met you, I used to be a hooker'! He said 'Ooohh tell me more, this is turning me on' She said 'well my name was Nigel, and I used to play rugby for Wigan'!
  3. Mr Crabtree


    I was reading that they've just opened the first Disneyland theme park in Japan, what a waste of money that was, there's no one tall enough to go on any of the rides! They won't allow me on the rides, and now the seagulls have nicked the ice cream off my cone!
  4. Mr Crabtree


    Liquorice stick anyone?
  5. I'm not clever enough to know the definitive answer to the 'Asylum Seeker' problem, but my take is this. I have no problem with someone trying to improve the lifestyle and the security of their families and come here willing to work and give something positive to the country who's allowed them in, in order to improve their family situation! My objections are letting in young, single men who roam around the local communities intent on pestering the local female population, committing minor, and sometimes, major crimes, moaning about their food, their accommodation, and the way they are treated by the country who's allowed them in in the first place! They all seem to somehow have better clothes, trainers etc than their hosts, and most of them have state of the art mobile phones and expensive watches and rings, not bad for someone escaping from repressive regimes who threaten their very lives! We, or rather, they, the manipulators, are piling large heaps of shit and major problems on our heads for their own agendas, none of which are for any of our benefits!
  6. Mr Crabtree


    I went into the bakery and asked for an uncut loaf, the lady said 'we haven't got any bread, only muffins'! I said 'what's the difference'? She said 'There's two ff's in muffins, but no f in bread'!
  7. Mr Crabtree


    An old man in a dirty and stained Mac, hired a prostitute and took her back to his house, led her up stairs, told her to strip naked and then climb onto the wardrobe! she did so and then, when she looked down, the old man had taken off his 'flasher Mac' and was laying naked on the bed! She said 'you don't want me to jump on top of you do you? I might kill you at your age! He said 'no, what I want is you to reach out your left leg, flick the light switch on and off rapidly, whilst banging your right heel every five seconds against the wardrobe door and you'll find a bucket of water next to you, keep flicking the water at me please'! She said 'are you taking the piss? you've paid me a hundred pounds to do that?, are you totally mad'? He said 'no dear, the water being flicked on me remind me of a wet and stormy night, when I was a kid, the light going on and off, on and off, reminds me of the lightning, and the drumming on the wardrobe door reminds me of the thunder'! She said 'well aren't you gonna give me one to get your money's worth'? He said 'What? on a night like this? you gotta be joking, I'd catch Pneumonia at my age'! The same' lady of horizontal refreshment' was talking to me in a pub one night and she said 'you see that old codger there? he's 91, and every month he gives me a hundred pounds cash to give him a very quick handjob, and then he hits me with his walking stick for a while'! I said 'a while? how long does he hit you for'? She said 'only until I give him his hundred pounds back'!
  8. Your cousin, the bank should have asked me, he asked me for a kiss at the end of the night, I said 'No, we shouldn't even be here in bed together really'!
  9. They should have aske me, we went for drink the other night, and he is as camp as a field full of tents, He makes Alan Carr look as hard as a night club doorman, AND your cousin was on Ketamine, I had a moan about it and he just laughed and said 'ooohh, get off your high horse'!
  10. More fear porn for any gullible wankers to toss over, it'll go nicely with the Tsunami swamping London anytime soon? and that nice Mr Putin nuking the U.K.? All we need now is Brussels halting our supply of sprouts to complete this triple treat of fear porn, ahh well we've always got the soaps and the reality T.V. to fall back on! Take a few more Valium and hope for the best I suppose? That pic looks like my peanut butter, hemp and bread groundbait I use for carp fishing.
  11. The same here, the only difference is, where I live is a bit like the wild west in some ways, for instance if you pay the rent two months running, armed police come round to see where you got that sort of money from legally! Seriously though, we have owned two houses in the past, owning neither made us particularly happy to be honest, and when my small business collapsed we sold up, paid off the Shylocks at Barclays and moved here to Brighton where we rented for a couple of years. We did up the long garden that was well overgrown, and then the owners who had been living in Holland came back, their family had grown too large for that house so they wanted to sell and buy bigger! The council then re-homed us to our estate we're on now, which was a lot rougher than it is these days, in the first year or so we were here there were five murders on the estate! drugs related mainly, except for one man who murdered his wife with a wooden mallet during a drunken row! At one time you couldn't get shopping or takeaways delivered, now half the estate's population seem to work for Deliveroo But if I'm honest, I love it here, being a local bus driver one of my routes was the number 1 bus= Whitehawk to Mile Oak and over the years I got to know lots of people from here, and mostly they are 'the salt of the earth' types! The biggest arseholes are some of the residents that have big houses up Dyke road, a few of them are dodgy 'door knocker' types who con people out of their antique stuff just paying a pittance! This type of criminal for anyone who's never heard of 'Knockers'!
  12. People like you are pushing the flat earthers over the edge!
  13. For years and years I've always put six sugars in my tea, coffee etc, BUT, I never stir it because I can't stand anything sweet! Clever thinking 'eh?
  14. Thanks, I love the Dubs, also the Frank and Walters, particularly their song 'After All'! I like Imelda May, Gary Moore, Phil Lynott, Jim McCann, The Wolfe Tones, The Whistlin' Donkeys and a few others! Before the great pandemic scam we went to Southern Ireland often, we usually stopped in Duncannon in County Wexford in a house across the road from the lovely beach, and we always attended every ceilidh held in the Strand Tavern, the pub on the corner. I used to let my hair down after a few pints in there, and out came the harmonica, that was usually about the time that my wife and the grandkids went back across to the cottage and left me to 'entertain' my Irish friends But, by then we were usually pissed anyway and I always felt that they appreciated my playing, and even the punters dogs used to join in and howl in accompaniment! The bastards who lied to us sure as hell effed up a lot of things that brought pleasure to ordinary people!
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