a joke!

[norton]

i noticed almost all the threads on here are for you tube and little movie thingies. the only time i use a computer is in work and it's filtered here so i can't access you tube and streaming media. In light of this i've decided to write a few of my favourite jokes:

A chineseman walks into a bar with a parrott on his shoulder, approaching the bar the parrott says "i'll have a gin and tonic and he'll have a bottle of bud." the barman replies "That's amazing where did you get that from?" The parrott replies 'China there's loads of 'em."

[notaslave]

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[norton]

like it!!

ok

a man is released from prison after 10 years and the whole time he's been inside has never shot his load. So out he comes and his balls are like watermelons! 'the hell with this!' he thinks and stops at the first brothel he comes to. He walks up to the lady at the reception and says 'i don't care who i have sex with i just need it badly!!' So the lady asks how much money he has. The man empties his pockets and places his money on the counter. Now, this money is ten years old and not worth sod all so the lady says 'well, for that all you can have is the big fat piece in room 10.' 'i don't care' says the man ' i'll take anything.' So off he goes and gets to room 10. knocking on the door he hears 'Come in!!!' and sat on the bed is this woman, fat isn't the word she's a huge slug of a woman. ' alright' she says 'what do you want to do first?' 'well, first off i want to eat your pu$$y' he says 'ok' and she lies down. the bloke going hell for high water down there and after about 3 minutes he gets a taste of gravy in his mouth, thinking nothing of it he continues, another 3 minutes later and he pulls a bit of carrot out of his teeth, a tad quesy he continues, a further 3 minutes and he gets a mouthful of noodles 'Jesus' he says ' i think i'm going to be sick!!' 'That's funny' she says 'that's just what the last guy said!!'

[notaslave]

This is an old one but it's my favourite joke so I'm sticking it on ...


St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
" Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

" Sure," replied Jesus. " What do I have to do?"

" Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
" Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, " What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. " Did you have any family?" he asked.

" Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. " You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"


" Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, " Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, " Pinocchio?"

[norton]

that's brilliant. read it in work and nearly laughed in managers face!!:D

ok another from yours truely

why did god invent orgasms for women?

So they can still have a moan, even when they're enjoying themselves!


And


The queen visits a hospital and sees a man in bed furiously masterbating. So she asks the dr accompanying her what he's doing. 'Oh him, he has a rare condition in which his body produces too much semen, he has to ejaculate at 7 times a day, or it tends to get a bit messy' 'oh right' says the queen and continues her tour of the hospital. She comes to another room and sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job, again she asks ,what's wrong with him?' the doctor replies 'him, the same problem but he's with bupa'

[adimon]

This is an old one but it's my favourite joke so I'm sticking it on ...


St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention.
" Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

" Sure," replied Jesus. " What do I have to do?"

" Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
" Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand.

The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, " What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. " Did you have any family?" he asked.

" Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. " You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"


" Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, " Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, " Pinocchio?"



Another St. Peter one I heard:-

A busload of ugly people jackknifes on a motorway and all the passengers are killed. When they get to heaven, and the Pearly Gates, St. Peter takes pity on the ugly people and decides to make their stay in heaven a bit more pleasurable, so he grants them each one wish.

He asks the first person in line, a really ugly woman, what she wishes for, and she replies "I wish I was beautiful". Within seconds her face changes to that of a pretty woman, and joyously, she bounds through the gates.

St. Peter asks the next one, and the next one, and so on, and they all wish for the same thing, to be beautiful, their faces change, and they bound happily through the gates.

When St. Peter comes to the last man, he finds the man laughing his ass off. After composing himself the man says "Make 'em all ugly again!"

[notaslave]

:D good ones. though I didnt get the moaning woman one - surely that was a man?


The Scottish bus driver was giving a tour of Scotland to a group of tourists. The tour went through the countryside and the driver would point out sights of interest. He drove by this one area and said, "Over there is where the Scottish PULVERIZED the English." They drove on a little further and the driver pointed to another area along the roadway and said, "This is the place where the Scottish MASSACRED the English." Not much further down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scottish WHIPPED the English.
About that time a man on the bus, with a stiff English accent, said, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here"? "Not when I'm driving the bus" was the response

[notaslave]

A Scotland football fan, out walking his dog in a Glasgow street, came across an old bottle from which a genie appeared, offering the man a wish (the usual way with bottles and genies in Glasgow). Startled, the fan asks if his dog could win at Crufts National Dog Show. The genie looks at the flea-bitten, limping dog and replies "I'm not a miracle worker. Think of another wish." The fan then asks "Can you make Scotland beat England 3-0?" The genie immediately says "Let me have another look at your dog."

[lucifershammer]

what do you do if your wife/girlfriend starts smoking?



slow down, and possibly use a lubricant.

[celtic isis]

that's brilliant. read it in work and nearly laughed in managers face!!:D

ok another from yours truely

why did god invent orgasms for women?

So they can still have a moan, even when they're enjoying themselves!


And


The queen visits a hospital and sees a man in bed furiously masterbating. So she asks the dr accompanying her what he's doing. 'Oh him, he has a rare condition in which his body produces too much semen, he has to ejaculate at 7 times a day, or it tends to get a bit messy' 'oh right' says the queen and continues her tour of the hospital. She comes to another room and sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job, again she asks ,what's wrong with him?' the doctor replies 'him, the same problem but he's with bupa'

tee hee heee :D

[notaslave]

sexist but still funny.

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment and then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you've learned".
So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied, "Definitely, I wouldn't pass an opportunity like that." The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father. His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but realistically we're living with two slappers.
"The father replied, "That's my boy."

[sensimillia]

what to do if an epileptic gets a seizure in the bathtub?

throw in your dirty laundry...

[notaslave]

I'm pished on a quarter bottle of vodka - is that funny ?:D:D:D

[sensimillia]

I'm pished on a quarter bottle of vodka - is that funny ?:D:D:D

for a while, it wont be tomorrow when you wake up...;)

[notaslave]

LOL you were right, it triggered a migraine and I have to work later today, not funny at all.


Why was the farmer trying to stuff a sheep into his computer?


Cause it needed more RAM.