aznarder
08-09-2007, 12:46 PM
Social Exclusion
Let downs-there is a human condition that had bugged me from a very young age, im not talking about everyday stuff but deep charecter requirements i possess that make me the most easily let down person on the planet- these issues caught me out really well over the last decade as i started losing faith in my own beliefs and as a result sold out to an certain degree and looked elsewhere for an avenue for my desbelief in the worlds wrong do-ers. i guess that i was always destined to be a very deep thinker as i was a childhood loner and had a very regimented political docterine shoveled down my throat from day 1- i remember delivering labour party leaflets for the 1983 general election and going to collect transport and general workers union money with my dad as a kid. my family were always very honest and still are and expectations were one of the first things i bore witness to being shattered within my family, there was a feud between my parents and my aunt and uncle which led to a silence between them that lasted a decade or more and there was a first taste of disappointment as although they did wind me up i did in fact like their company as a kid and i felt (kind of like a secondary thing) really let down as they didnt come up to my familys expectations as human being and relatives.
when i was growing up the deep left wing idology that i was exposed to by my family made me feel an outsider as i was to young to realise my own beliefs for my self-and that coupled with being from a socialist family in the1980's was hideous for me. i didnt understand why other kids at school werent as aware of the horrors of the world as i was so i felt very alienated and disappointed in them, why the fuck didnt they care that we were as a planet being threatend by a nuclear hollocaust? it was because they were all from tory well off familys and i wasnt.
my grandfather was singled out after the second world war as a communist- now at that time it was more or less a crime against the state to have and voice such feelings and thoughts, he was alienated and suffered problems with employment etc, i am not entirely sure how far this all went but it was pretty serious , the bitterness and fight to remain faithfull to their beliefs made my family strong but also very pig headed, lonely and alienated. the knock on effect has definately been in my mother and sister and me a massive sence of disillusionment in people and the world in general. Having your life so mapped out as to what you are going to be obsessed with is born with your genetic make up i think and your upbringing makes such a massive difference to everything you think in later life and HOW you think it , i have to say that at times i do genuinely wish that i was a simpler soul and was happy with the garbage that is thrown at us to amuse and entertain but i simply can not-its like trying to make a gay man turned on by bringing kelly brook in to the room wearing nothing but a smile-it aint gonna happen. its a very unforgiving world to people with genuine convictions and it is made doubly worse by the seemingly almost constant let downs within peoples value systems and flaws in the manifestations of their conviction , truth , love and honesty to them selves. I have always been brought up to despise and social exclusion and i am very proud of that value but it is a value all to rare in the individuals i meet on a daily basis and thus i end up let down a great deal.
i can remember really ethical deecent people doing things like going to night clubs where their is a strict dress code a week after having been at glastonbury , that attitude towards socialising is sick and wrong-inclusion of all is essential - these fucking apartheid supporting shit holes make social division and segregation acceptable and the norm , it might not sound like a serious issue to anyone else but quite frankly it is to me and we need to stop sewing the seeds of making segregtion acceptable from work,school,social situations to literally every place where shared life is happening. as you can now see that is a classic example of how extreme my feelings are towards social exclusion and thus you can now see just how easily i feel let down by people who considder them selves enlightend but are clearly not. I remember the story by hans christian anderson of the little girl looking in a window on a viciously cold christmas day using matched to illuminate her view and seeing people living oppulant and being found on new years day dead in a pile of burnt matches.
I hate that image and notion of haves and have nots and concequently i can be so easily disappointed by the inadequesies of individuals i meet and their attitude towards social exculsion on what ever level it is manifested.I make no appologies for sounding idealistic about any of my beliefs and am nautually going to sound very unchallenged in the way i manifest them but such is the nature of sitting writing on your own in a beautiful little english village in the depths of winter.
At primary school i encountered very few feelings of being have not-except for after school holidays when we had to write a story about where we went on holiday during the summer- i spent my summer holidays at family H.Q doing countryside boy things like making camps and walking the dogs etc, i remember a real summer treat was going up to a beautiful hill near my parents house and searching for un-shot clay pigeons, a truely brilliant afternoons enjoyment that was!, however, when i got back to school my underlying embarassment at not having had a holiday showed itself in the nature of lying to my teacher-i wrote a huge story about having gone to paris and the wonderful time my family had whilst there-later that day my teacher saw me with my mum and started talking in french and asked what she thought of gay paris?, i could have died-it was bad enough that i was having to lie to keep out of being a have not in my class and then to be rumbled by my teached in front of my mum was so humilliating, this experience was a real turning point for me as i started hateing people who had more and went on holidays etc and i started hateing my family for being the way it was and not being "normal"-even smelly chris ward went to norwich for a week-all i did was play in my parents garden for 6 weeks.I felt very let down at that point by my parents-later my hatred would turn towards the real perpretator- the system.
I dont like the way that my thoughts sound like the brain child of some frustrated anarchist as they are not-i just have a massive ammount of compassion and i can see that we are being fucked over each and every day of our lives and wish and want it different for every one alive. My best friend for a while at secondary school was a kid called Mark , when we befriended each other he looked as poor as a church mouse and a rather sad and pathetic charecter, - he was tiny and his clothes were so old and shabby that they were virtually falling off his tiny thin body-his shoes had holes in the front and his trousers were half way up his legs because he had grown so much- this kid was poor! we becamne very good mates and i went to his house on occasions which was on a hideous council estate-his family were welcoming and nice (and a lot more generous than a lot of rich familys i had met) but so obviously living in poverty, my dad would come and pick me up and come in and chat with his mum and dad-my whole family immediatly felt for this family with a great compassion and fondness.
Now this was one family who didnt have anything but were so obviously in love with each other completely and they had no pretense what so ever. This chance meeting with a truely poverty striken family made my conviction pretty much cemented at that point and my hatred of wealth and power and the people who hold the power became my life long companion. Mark and me didnt go on the school norfolk broards trip, we didnt go on the skining trip- have's and have nots-it was a training mission into what we could expect from later life having been born worthless scum- everything we were taught away from the three r's was purely labouring type skills and never once were we told there was an alternative like university , we were the lowest and we were trained to be the next generation of the lowest whilst being taught to say "thanks for the job as we are not worthy" from the moment we decided what exam "options" we wanted to do. Never once did i see a situation where gifted kids who had less than mainstream talents identified and encouraged/taught to maximise their gifts, Andrew was a talented commedian-now works as a printer for the last 18 years is a classic example-he had a real tallent and yet this was never spotted and exploited, his observations on life were amazing and his mimickery of us all was funny and spot on-he could crucify us all with his impressions and observations and made us all laugh soooooo much but it was easier ot lump us all together and make us all think that the only route was to the dole queue or towards a mindless spiritless job for the rest of our lifes.
i remember being spotted by 1 solitary alcoholic teacher called mr miller-his life was shite and was getting divorced losing kids etc, he was my social studies teacher- that when i came alive! by the age of thirteen i was a hunt saboteur and had some serious views on animal rights and he spotted my talents for argueing my point and having a gift for communication but this wasnt exploited as i think his power was limited and that coupled with his life falling apart i was only ever allowed to sparkle in his class and sparkle i did!, he did tell me that i was the most intellegent kid in my class even though technically academically i was retarded and in remedial classes for english and maths- i dont think i was really that thick - i think that the truth is that i didnt give a fuck and my ambition was just to get out of school asap.School just got worse and worse for me-by the time i was 14 i started truenting constantly and the schools attitude was "fuck it", they didnt even inform my family that i was skiveing so i guess they just thought bollocks to it. I was arrested out hunt sabbing when I was 15 and the police contacted the school, the next monday I was called to the heads ofice where a head teacher called mrs burgess told me to sort out my attitude or face prison by the age of 17 , that was the attitude towards being different-EXCLUDE AND ALIENATE AND MAKE THEM THINK THEY ARE SICK AND A TICK ON SOCIETYS BACK, how wrong she was, i found school so laughable towards the end in that I barely ever went, I was off my face most of the time on hash, I didnt have a school bag, folder or anything to my name-the whole last 2 years i just gave up and didnt give a shit such was the influence of regimented "this is the way it is and this is the way it is always going to be" attitude towards the clone army that the school wanted to create and I wasnt having any of it- I was never once badly behaved at school but i was the most problematic kid in the school's history.
Surely soemone would see the intellegence of a kid who never misbehaves , goes hunt sabbing, is into animal rights and the peace movement etc yet is never once asked "what are your motivations?". I was eventually expelled from school when i had a mohawk but by that time it was only a matter of months till i was leaving anyway os it was a bonus to me - I met some amazing people at school but couldnt wait to leave. There were some great people who i shared the last 2 years at school with, colin - he was a total misfit hippy who was like a round peg in a square hole at school-we bonded very well and still meet up occasionally now-Andy- the bloke i mentioned earlier-wonderful bloke and oh so funny and lastly Martin - he was my first adult mate-we did adult things like go to london to gigs etc, he was into heavy metal and was a really lovely bloke. Apart from that school was shit and i hated every single moment of the attempts to make me conform and eat the shit that they wanted us too. I was excluded from that first taste of "society" because i was different and there the seeds were sewn for many years to come. I hate exclusion of any kind and will fight it untill the day i die.
Dave xx
]www.myspace.com/azznarder
Let downs-there is a human condition that had bugged me from a very young age, im not talking about everyday stuff but deep charecter requirements i possess that make me the most easily let down person on the planet- these issues caught me out really well over the last decade as i started losing faith in my own beliefs and as a result sold out to an certain degree and looked elsewhere for an avenue for my desbelief in the worlds wrong do-ers. i guess that i was always destined to be a very deep thinker as i was a childhood loner and had a very regimented political docterine shoveled down my throat from day 1- i remember delivering labour party leaflets for the 1983 general election and going to collect transport and general workers union money with my dad as a kid. my family were always very honest and still are and expectations were one of the first things i bore witness to being shattered within my family, there was a feud between my parents and my aunt and uncle which led to a silence between them that lasted a decade or more and there was a first taste of disappointment as although they did wind me up i did in fact like their company as a kid and i felt (kind of like a secondary thing) really let down as they didnt come up to my familys expectations as human being and relatives.
when i was growing up the deep left wing idology that i was exposed to by my family made me feel an outsider as i was to young to realise my own beliefs for my self-and that coupled with being from a socialist family in the1980's was hideous for me. i didnt understand why other kids at school werent as aware of the horrors of the world as i was so i felt very alienated and disappointed in them, why the fuck didnt they care that we were as a planet being threatend by a nuclear hollocaust? it was because they were all from tory well off familys and i wasnt.
my grandfather was singled out after the second world war as a communist- now at that time it was more or less a crime against the state to have and voice such feelings and thoughts, he was alienated and suffered problems with employment etc, i am not entirely sure how far this all went but it was pretty serious , the bitterness and fight to remain faithfull to their beliefs made my family strong but also very pig headed, lonely and alienated. the knock on effect has definately been in my mother and sister and me a massive sence of disillusionment in people and the world in general. Having your life so mapped out as to what you are going to be obsessed with is born with your genetic make up i think and your upbringing makes such a massive difference to everything you think in later life and HOW you think it , i have to say that at times i do genuinely wish that i was a simpler soul and was happy with the garbage that is thrown at us to amuse and entertain but i simply can not-its like trying to make a gay man turned on by bringing kelly brook in to the room wearing nothing but a smile-it aint gonna happen. its a very unforgiving world to people with genuine convictions and it is made doubly worse by the seemingly almost constant let downs within peoples value systems and flaws in the manifestations of their conviction , truth , love and honesty to them selves. I have always been brought up to despise and social exclusion and i am very proud of that value but it is a value all to rare in the individuals i meet on a daily basis and thus i end up let down a great deal.
i can remember really ethical deecent people doing things like going to night clubs where their is a strict dress code a week after having been at glastonbury , that attitude towards socialising is sick and wrong-inclusion of all is essential - these fucking apartheid supporting shit holes make social division and segregation acceptable and the norm , it might not sound like a serious issue to anyone else but quite frankly it is to me and we need to stop sewing the seeds of making segregtion acceptable from work,school,social situations to literally every place where shared life is happening. as you can now see that is a classic example of how extreme my feelings are towards social exclusion and thus you can now see just how easily i feel let down by people who considder them selves enlightend but are clearly not. I remember the story by hans christian anderson of the little girl looking in a window on a viciously cold christmas day using matched to illuminate her view and seeing people living oppulant and being found on new years day dead in a pile of burnt matches.
I hate that image and notion of haves and have nots and concequently i can be so easily disappointed by the inadequesies of individuals i meet and their attitude towards social exculsion on what ever level it is manifested.I make no appologies for sounding idealistic about any of my beliefs and am nautually going to sound very unchallenged in the way i manifest them but such is the nature of sitting writing on your own in a beautiful little english village in the depths of winter.
At primary school i encountered very few feelings of being have not-except for after school holidays when we had to write a story about where we went on holiday during the summer- i spent my summer holidays at family H.Q doing countryside boy things like making camps and walking the dogs etc, i remember a real summer treat was going up to a beautiful hill near my parents house and searching for un-shot clay pigeons, a truely brilliant afternoons enjoyment that was!, however, when i got back to school my underlying embarassment at not having had a holiday showed itself in the nature of lying to my teacher-i wrote a huge story about having gone to paris and the wonderful time my family had whilst there-later that day my teacher saw me with my mum and started talking in french and asked what she thought of gay paris?, i could have died-it was bad enough that i was having to lie to keep out of being a have not in my class and then to be rumbled by my teached in front of my mum was so humilliating, this experience was a real turning point for me as i started hateing people who had more and went on holidays etc and i started hateing my family for being the way it was and not being "normal"-even smelly chris ward went to norwich for a week-all i did was play in my parents garden for 6 weeks.I felt very let down at that point by my parents-later my hatred would turn towards the real perpretator- the system.
I dont like the way that my thoughts sound like the brain child of some frustrated anarchist as they are not-i just have a massive ammount of compassion and i can see that we are being fucked over each and every day of our lives and wish and want it different for every one alive. My best friend for a while at secondary school was a kid called Mark , when we befriended each other he looked as poor as a church mouse and a rather sad and pathetic charecter, - he was tiny and his clothes were so old and shabby that they were virtually falling off his tiny thin body-his shoes had holes in the front and his trousers were half way up his legs because he had grown so much- this kid was poor! we becamne very good mates and i went to his house on occasions which was on a hideous council estate-his family were welcoming and nice (and a lot more generous than a lot of rich familys i had met) but so obviously living in poverty, my dad would come and pick me up and come in and chat with his mum and dad-my whole family immediatly felt for this family with a great compassion and fondness.
Now this was one family who didnt have anything but were so obviously in love with each other completely and they had no pretense what so ever. This chance meeting with a truely poverty striken family made my conviction pretty much cemented at that point and my hatred of wealth and power and the people who hold the power became my life long companion. Mark and me didnt go on the school norfolk broards trip, we didnt go on the skining trip- have's and have nots-it was a training mission into what we could expect from later life having been born worthless scum- everything we were taught away from the three r's was purely labouring type skills and never once were we told there was an alternative like university , we were the lowest and we were trained to be the next generation of the lowest whilst being taught to say "thanks for the job as we are not worthy" from the moment we decided what exam "options" we wanted to do. Never once did i see a situation where gifted kids who had less than mainstream talents identified and encouraged/taught to maximise their gifts, Andrew was a talented commedian-now works as a printer for the last 18 years is a classic example-he had a real tallent and yet this was never spotted and exploited, his observations on life were amazing and his mimickery of us all was funny and spot on-he could crucify us all with his impressions and observations and made us all laugh soooooo much but it was easier ot lump us all together and make us all think that the only route was to the dole queue or towards a mindless spiritless job for the rest of our lifes.
i remember being spotted by 1 solitary alcoholic teacher called mr miller-his life was shite and was getting divorced losing kids etc, he was my social studies teacher- that when i came alive! by the age of thirteen i was a hunt saboteur and had some serious views on animal rights and he spotted my talents for argueing my point and having a gift for communication but this wasnt exploited as i think his power was limited and that coupled with his life falling apart i was only ever allowed to sparkle in his class and sparkle i did!, he did tell me that i was the most intellegent kid in my class even though technically academically i was retarded and in remedial classes for english and maths- i dont think i was really that thick - i think that the truth is that i didnt give a fuck and my ambition was just to get out of school asap.School just got worse and worse for me-by the time i was 14 i started truenting constantly and the schools attitude was "fuck it", they didnt even inform my family that i was skiveing so i guess they just thought bollocks to it. I was arrested out hunt sabbing when I was 15 and the police contacted the school, the next monday I was called to the heads ofice where a head teacher called mrs burgess told me to sort out my attitude or face prison by the age of 17 , that was the attitude towards being different-EXCLUDE AND ALIENATE AND MAKE THEM THINK THEY ARE SICK AND A TICK ON SOCIETYS BACK, how wrong she was, i found school so laughable towards the end in that I barely ever went, I was off my face most of the time on hash, I didnt have a school bag, folder or anything to my name-the whole last 2 years i just gave up and didnt give a shit such was the influence of regimented "this is the way it is and this is the way it is always going to be" attitude towards the clone army that the school wanted to create and I wasnt having any of it- I was never once badly behaved at school but i was the most problematic kid in the school's history.
Surely soemone would see the intellegence of a kid who never misbehaves , goes hunt sabbing, is into animal rights and the peace movement etc yet is never once asked "what are your motivations?". I was eventually expelled from school when i had a mohawk but by that time it was only a matter of months till i was leaving anyway os it was a bonus to me - I met some amazing people at school but couldnt wait to leave. There were some great people who i shared the last 2 years at school with, colin - he was a total misfit hippy who was like a round peg in a square hole at school-we bonded very well and still meet up occasionally now-Andy- the bloke i mentioned earlier-wonderful bloke and oh so funny and lastly Martin - he was my first adult mate-we did adult things like go to london to gigs etc, he was into heavy metal and was a really lovely bloke. Apart from that school was shit and i hated every single moment of the attempts to make me conform and eat the shit that they wanted us too. I was excluded from that first taste of "society" because i was different and there the seeds were sewn for many years to come. I hate exclusion of any kind and will fight it untill the day i die.
Dave xx
]www.myspace.com/azznarder