Often I feel

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

Often I just feel shut out.

I'm not like everyone else. On one side, I find that to be truely liberating, because that means
I am not one of the heard. I think for myself and make up my own mind about, who and why I am
what I am. On the other hand though, it feels lonely. Constandly looked at
with a weird look. Sometimes they are truely curious(the people, I mean), allot of times though,
it's a look of confusion or a cold look of disgust. Those are the looks that hurt.

And I'll admit it. It really hurts. What have I done wrong, you know? Just because I'm not one of you
I get treated like a disease? Fuck you. I don't want to be something as intolerant as you.
However, they do look like they are having fun. I know they are only simple in their ways, because
that's the way they were programmed. But it just feels so lonely on this side.

Of course, I come here because I have like minded individuals here. That's the beauty of the internet.
Finding people from all over the world whom share your thoughts. But that's its down side aswell.
They are from all over the world, none close to you. Atleast, close enough to sit down and enjoy a
fine debate or discussion over an even finer cup of coffee or tea.

Sometimes, it feels like a trap. That "so close yet so far" kind of trap. Like dingling a ball over a cat.
I just want to scream out. I want to throw things everywhere. I want to see destruction then.
But why? Because I can't get my way? Because I can't be close to the people I want to be close to?
Because I'm not able to keep things peaceful with everybody? It sounds pretty selfish of me when I see
it like that.

My family calls me "The Politician". And not because of my political belief, but because everytime
someone in my family is having a fight with someone else, they all talk to me and I help establish
something between them all. Trust me, it goes as far as overseas conversations. Last time it happened,
it was a fight between my grandmother and mother. Why should a 22 year old guy trying to find his place
and help this world in any way he can, have to do this?

It angers me to see that the people around me(most of them anyways) can't get their own act
together. They can't seem to keep a peace. There is no "social understanding" between them. Why?
I don't know, and frankly am starting to stop caring. Even my own girlfriend, is very insecure,
and easily gets drawn away from me because she feels I don't want her. (Yeah, staying at my parents house
taking care of their pets while they are on vacation because it's cheaper than having to get 2 return tickets
a day is because I am loosing my feelings)... Feel the sarcasim yet?

This anger flows through me daily. I try to keep it at bay, and try to get rid of it. But the rest of
my world is constandly asking for my help. And then! To say fuck you all, I'm doing my own thing, what does
that get me? A look of disgust. Tears. Sadness. Suicide threats. Yelling. Trying to make me feel guilty.
As if I am trying to deliberatly hurt them all...

IT'S NOT THAT I WANT TO HURT YOU!! I NEED TO HELP MYSELF NOW!

Some fucking caring you people like to show. I do everything I can, but fuck me sideways if I want to worry
about myself!

Then again. They do help me when I do need help. They love to give me money to help me.
But do expect it back, which is fair. I don't blame them. But I wish I had alittle more help than just money.
Maybe a nice sit down and talk for abit. Maybe solve your own problems. Quit bitching at me about
the pain in you knee and loose some god damn weight, did you ever think of that? Trying all the diets?
Well, I don't remember 500gram bags of M&M's being on the diet sheet!

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOUR CHILD IS A SICK FUCK! MAYBE YOU DIDN'T BEAT HIM LIKE YOU DID ME?! I don't know why
you guys are always fighting! Selfishness?! Greedy?! Maybe even Sloth is the proper word! Maybe all of them!!

NO! I will not shave my beard because "Ok, you've made your point"! WHAT FUCKING POINT?!? I LIKE HAVING A BEARD,
FUCK YOURSELF!! I DON'T CARE WHAT THE OTHER COLLEGES OR YOUR GIRLFRIENDS AT WORK ARE SAYING! NO! I WILL NOT
JUST TALK ABOUT TITTIES AND BEER! MY ATTENTION AND THOUGHT GOES WAAAY BEYOND THE REALM OF SEXUAL THOUGHT AND
THE LUST TO ESCAPE REALITY!! FUCK YOU! YOUR "BEAUTIFUL MUSCELS" ARE NOT THE OUT OF HEALTH AND STRENGTH!
YOU ONLY LOOK THIS WAY BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE "BEAUTIFUL"! FUCK YOU!

Yet...

I'm abit jealous. I'm not their version of beauty. My mind travels way beyond the realms of their thought,
so taling with them is hard.

I guess I just need to get it off my chest? Maybe I should keep it and use it for the future.

Whatever the case. I feel weaker now by saying all of this...
From time to time. Yes. I really hate myself. Why?

Because my will is too strong. Because my ethic vaules comes over my lust and greed. Because I'd rather help,
than to stand by and say "It's not my problem"...

[i_am]

Often I just feel shut out.

I'm not like everyone else. On one side, I find that to be truely liberating, because that means
I am not one of the heard. I think for myself and make up my own mind about, who and why I am
what I am. On the other hand though, it feels lonely. Constandly looked at
with a weird look. Sometimes they are truely curious(the people, I mean), allot of times though,
it's a look of confusion or a cold look of disgust. Those are the looks that hurt.

And I'll admit it. It really hurts. What have I done wrong, you know? Just because I'm not one of you
I get treated like a disease? Fuck you. I don't want to be something as intolerant as you.
However, they do look like they are having fun. I know they are only simple in their ways, because
that's the way they were programmed. But it just feels so lonely on this side.
Because my will is too strong. Because my ethic vaules comes over my lust and greed. Because I'd rather help,
than to stand by and say "It's not my problem"...

Gee h1s_l0rdsh1p, I don't really know what to say to ease your pain. I do think that many of us have felt this way during our journey. It seems to be a part of the process. You are never going to unlearn what you now know but maybe you need to take some time out and find the beauty in life. There is plenty.

I guess it is getting to a place where you can feel love and compassion for others, tolerance for those caught up in the illusion and yet be detached from outcomes. Do what you can to help without becoming emotionally involved and do not let their negativity impact on you.

Easier said than done? No, not really. It is all about balance.

Sending you love from down under :)

http://img91.imageshack.us/img91/7424/love1bearthearts38lk4.gif

[lightbeing]

Of course, I come here because I have like minded individuals here. That's the beauty of the internet.
Finding people from all over the world whom share your thoughts. But that's its down side aswell.
They are from all over the world, none close to you. Atleast, close enough to sit down and enjoy a
fine debate or discussion over an even finer cup of coffee or tea.

Sometimes, it feels like a trap. That "so close yet so far" kind of trap. Like dingling a ball over a cat.
I just want to scream out. I want to throw things everywhere. I want to see destruction then.
But why? Because I can't get my way? Because I can't be close to the people I want to be close to?
Because I'm not able to keep things peaceful with everybody? It sounds pretty selfish of me when I see
it like that.



I know where you are coming from, the bit above is what is the hardest thing about the whole awakening process to handle.:(
So mate, just know you are not alone.

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

Thanks guys. It does feel nice to get it out. :)

Love to you all!

[ramesees]

Hi h1s_l0rdsh1p, I want to say I feel your pain, every word of what you've written above.

I know what its like to be on the outside, looking in, and feeling no congruency with those around you, even in your own family.

I truely hate feeling like this, as the lonliness and despair at times and the sheer fucked up unfairness of it all is almost too much to bear. I hope someday that it will all be resolved, and the struggle will not have been in vain.

*Hugs* / *manly handshake* where ever you are, I know how important they are, even though they arent the real thing.

[h1s_l0rdsh1p]

But how do we get over this feeling?

I mean, it almost consumes your soul, you know.

[lightbeing]

But how do we get over this feeling?

I mean, it almost consumes your soul, you know.

I honestly don't know, but I feel we just have to march on in the 'knowing' that it will all be worth it in the end......... Also, concentrate on doing what makes you happy.

[lemonique]

Hi his_10rdship, Thanks for sharing your feelings with us here. It takes a strong individual (especially male in my experience), to do that.
Sounds like you are much loved amongst your family, as they come to you for help and advice etc. What you could perhaps do is try and be a bit more detached. Listen to them etc., but remain detached. Sometimes people just need to get stuff off their chests, so you can be sort of like a counsellor, doing the listening, nodding thing, but letting what they say roll over you a bit more.
Maybe that will help? I dunno really. But I know by experience that we can only help others up to a certain point....then it's up to them to get on with it.

Anyway, if you don't look after yourself a bit more, you won't have anything left to help others. Good advice by others here, in that, you could do more things that you like to do, and don't feel guilty in doing so.

I often go off for a walk somewhere when things come piling in.......it clears the air, and the exercise is good for us.

All the best m'lord... keep smiling

[notaslave]

The only thing you can be sure of in life is that things will change and that knowledge is what keeps me going.

With friends and family I have found I had to make a physical break for a period of time, to be allowed to be who I am. I needed the emotional distance. Not sure whether everyone does have to do that but it is what I had to do. Nowadays I just cant do or be who they want. In close relationships we mould each other, I still have the same problems, my family dont want to hear me and I'm not talking about politics or anything. They dont want to hear ME.

Thats fine, they dont have to listen but also I wont do what they expect because I have the emotional distance for it not to matter whether they approve or disapprove of me. Am I lonely? The answer is No. I have felt more lonely in a room of family than I have felt alone in the past, nowadays I am detached so I can enjoy their company but also not be terribly troubled by what they think of me.

The path I have had to take is not the same path everyone has to take - or at least I dont think so. It was right for me.

You must do what is right for you.

[yinon]

But how do we get over this feeling?

I mean, it almost consumes your soul, you know.

Wow -Well expressed!

How to get over this feeling? It comes and goes. Sometimes I feel well supported and other time people cannot grasp a Iota of where I am heading

I let it go! and the sun comes out again

[revolutionary_jam]

Often I just feel shut out.....

Hey man I hope you feel better having typed all that out xx

I think you've done some of the most important things:
1) Identifying your wish to be true to yourself
2) Acting upon it!

I think the next important thing to try and to is:
3) become comfortable (or at least more comfortable) with that self!

As soon as you start doing this you'll notice people gravitate to you, and not just any people... the right people! The people that will help you develop and people who you don't find it hard to help develop as well,

The thing is at the moment you're leaning towards your true self but at the same time you have a self-consciousness, low self-image, worry, etc. etc. that also gets projected unconsciously
People pick that up without consciously realising it and might react to it in different ways, their shaddow sees the weakness and exploits it, might be by making you feel guilty, might be by exorcising you or not accepting you, or any of the other ways you've experienced

The more you accept those parts of you the more you close this gap of opposition to your self expression and the less opposition you will experience from the outside as well!

Hope this helps x

[space lizard]

When I first woke up it was the hardest thing I had ever done, My whole life I had been building this mental fortress that could withstand any loss,I set about doing thi due to a shit upbringing that gave me the foresight to know life kicks you in the balls the minute you stand up.

When sitting in work one day in Autralia, after ten years of not hearing his name, the words David Icke suddenly popped into my head, this was telepathy, I was ready to hear it. So I looked into it, laughed out loud at first but slowly looked into it with a little bit of fascination and an open mind. I read the warning on the book, "don't read this if you denend on your reality" - I laughed an thought, yeah right as if reading this book will change my reality. BUT it did, and for the first 2-3-4 months I lost the ability to spell, to work, to maintain a relaitionship, to function, to think about anything else.

I then put the books / DVDs / and website down for 2 months and allowed myself time to find equillibrium. Now I'm back on here now and then and I'm fine with whatever happens. I know that reality is an illusion and I may not be in the driving seat, but I'm close enough to snatch the wheel now and then. My job as I see it is to prepare for anything and to help others.

My suggestion to you is this, stay off the conspiracy stuff for about 6 weeks, reach a stage where its not the first thing in your mind when you open your eyes in the morning. Eat healthy, rid yourself of toxins and shite, and if needs be, take St Johns Wot. Its a good natural suppliment.

I know you feel like a drowning kitten in a bag full of bricks right now, but trust me and most on here, It gets much better in time. Soon you will fear nothing. Love everything and be a tower of strength. It is essential to back away for 6 weeks of so to find your feet /wings etc.

This site will still be here, the revolution won't happen without you and you will be more use to yourself and those who love you when your head is on straight. Basically step back into the illusion and re-examin it. laugh about it and relax.

Your a good deep thinker and pioneer on a new spiritual quest, its natural to be upset don't stress. You'll hate yourself for it.

Time Out.

[kblood]

Wise words Space Lizards :) I try to keep researching conspiracy theories, soul searching, astral travelling and so on, to short periods of my life. When I know I have the time to go deeply into it anyway, because it will probably upset my balance. Things I do to get "back in touch":

Accept the love and concern from others. Feel the warmth of the sun, the wetness of the rain and the taste the food and drinks more than you usually do. Focus on all the good things, that makes you love being alive. Doing all this builds you up inside, and makes you happier... I believe anyway. After doing this, it is easier to face those you know with a smile and instead of a possible frown do to your contemplations and thoughts. That is how I get when I am doing too much thinking anyway, and not enough living in "the real world". I get a bit depressed or at least less happy. Emotions seems to become less disturbing, and I might analyse everything too much.

Usually I cannot just get out and meet friends and family like I usually do, since it takes some time to find my equilibrium again. I do it anyway, and they know that I have my periods of "being less happy". Friends and family is what helps me get back into my equilibrium and also some more solitude while I get myself back in touch. I like to call it, finding my purpose again. Reviewing my perspectives, rethinking my "religion" :)

It sounds like you might have a the feeling of emptyness. That you know you are different, but you need to something to make yourself feel more complete as a person. Being and outsider brings lonelyness. Allowing your friends to have their mistrust or maybe not understanding you is important. They wont always be able to understand what you are going through. I sometimes try to change the world around me, to make everyone accept me as I am, but usually I end up seeing how impossible it is. My world simply does not fit well with the way others percieve their world.

Hope you can make some sense out of this :rolleyes: Otherwise I will try to make it more unstandable, or you can follow the other suggestions if they make more sense to you :)

Good luck getting back the feeling of being part of the world again :) I think I just got it back again recently, and it makes the days go by easier and with more smiles on my face ;)