A humour thread

[accuracy]

Banks?


If the global crisis continues, by the end of the year only two banks will be operational:



the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.

Then these 2 banks will merge and it will be called

'The Bloody Fucking Bank'.

[accuracy]

Handicapped Sheriff


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/han30r9parkineg.jpg

[accuracy]

Funny Taglines

Life is a riddle; unfortunately the answer's not written on the back of anything.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Sex is like air.....it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

I married Miss Right. I didn't know her first name was Always.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

My truck does not leak. It's just marking its territory!

Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Consider what might be fertilizing the greener grass across the fence.

Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

If you must burn our flag, please wrap yourself in it first.

Due to budget cuts the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.

A rock ----> me <---- A hard place

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.


http://www.jokesy.com/images/tagline.JPG

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If at first you don't succeed – maybe skydiving isn’t for you.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I think, therefore I am. I think.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

I wired my dryer backwards. Now it spits out extra socks.

I went to the Net and all I got was this stupid tagline.

[accuracy]

Pierced Eye Glasses

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pierced_glasses.jpg

[pinkfreud]

hehe. good stuff buddy :D nice to have a laugh on here

[accuracy]

40 things you would like to say at work


1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.


10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

24. Do I look like a people person?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

[accuracy]

hehe. good stuff buddy :D nice to have a laugh on here

It's good to hear pinkfreud :D :D

[accuracy]

Gabe Perez Highschool ID


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/gabe_perez_highschool_id.jpg

[accuracy]

Beer Shampoo


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/beer.jpg


Don’t Drink And Bath

Old and busted: singing in the shower. New hotness: celebrating in the shower with a bottle of foaming beer shampoo! And you can do just that come December 1st when Bandai’s Beer Shampoo pours onto Japanese store shelves.

What’s your image of a winner? For many, it’s a race winner on the podium happily spraying the admiring crowd with a shaken alcoholic beverage, or the giddy scene in the winning team’s locker room after clinching victory - nothing spells “win!” like a beer shampoo!

Now you can party like a champion anytime, anywhere… well OK, in the confines of your shower at least. That’s because the creative minds at Bandai have come up with Beer Shampoo. The concept is a winner too: all fun; no mess. Pour a beer over your head (or your friend’s head) and get dirty & clean at the same time.

According to Bandai’s press release, Beer Shampoo isn’t pressurized and won’t spurt out of the bottle when opened. To get the optimum mentos-in-Coke effect, you have to add water, shake, and let fly with the foam.

Bandai has given Beer Shampoo a fruity citrus scent just in case those who have already imbibed a few REAL beers don’t down the wrong suds. Hey, it could happen - the bottle is convincingly beer-like and the shampoo itself contains hops. Though Bandai has no plans to export Beer Shampoo to the U.S., you can be sure a few product liability lawyers are getting tipsy just thinking about the prospect.

Via:Inventorspot

[anahata]

Inflatable You by Tim Minchin - YouTube

[anahata]

If you are easily offended DO NOT WATCH!!

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

:eek:

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/political-pictures-virgins.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/political-pictures-trader-pizza-hut.jpg

[accuracy]

Frozen moustache


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/frozen_mustache.jpg

[accuracy]

Sex Symbol


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/g384news.gif

[accuracy]

Social Security


A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers’ license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

She says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/kimchi-volunteers.jpg

Volunteers make kimchi, traditional pungent vegetable, to donate to needy neighbors for winter preparation in front of the Seoul City Hall Thursday, Nov. 20, 2008. About 2,200 housewives made 130 tons (117 metric tons) of kimchi. Made with cabbage, other vegetables and chili sauce, kimchi is the most popular traditional food in Korea.
Photo/Ahn Young-joon

[accuracy]

IRS Jokes


A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said. "Have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone."


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said okay, grabbed a lemon and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The man replied, "I work for the IRS."


What’s the difference between an I.R.S. agent and a mosquito?
One is a bloodsucking parasite, the other is an insect.


A man, called to testify at the IRS (The US tax authority) asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper." Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."

Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel."

The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"


Q: How is golf like taxes?
A: Well, you drive hard to get to the green, and then you wind up in the hole.


A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS Tax auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, "Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile."

"Thank goodness," returned Mr. Carr, with a giant grin on his face from ear to ear. "I thought you were going to want me to pay with cash."

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: FW: Wedding ring


>> > The Wedding Ring A man went to the hospital in Rockhampton,
>> > Queensland to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis.
>> > According to the nurse attending the operation, the
>> > patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket.
>> > She didn't know he was married and she was so mad she
>> > used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his penis while he
>> > was asleep. I don't know what's worse: 1) Having
>> > your girl friend find out you're married. 2) Explaining
>> > to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis. OR....
>> > 3) Finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring.
>> > Tough call. You decide.
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >
>> >

[accuracy]

My Kind Of Town


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dil394doe.jpg

[accuracy]

Hot and Cold


An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination
the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the
doctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife the
first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex
with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some
research and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, the
doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical
concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor
than asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he
is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and
cold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is usually in December."

[accuracy]

Dating Jokes


It’s the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He’s a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in.
“Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says.
“That’s cool” says Bobby.
Carrie’s father asks Bobby what they’re planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby-so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.
“Yeah,” says Carries father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Well, this just made Bobby’s eyes light up, and his plans for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:
” DANGIT DADDY….! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!”


Dating Vs Marriage

When you are dating..... Farting is never an issue.
When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating..... He takes you out to have a good time.
When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating..... He holds your hand in public.
When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating..... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.
When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating..... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.
When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating..... You enjoyed foreplay.
When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating..... He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.
When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating..... You picture the two of you together, growing old together.
When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating..... Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."
When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating..... He knows what the "hamper" is.
When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating..... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."
When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating..... He understands that you have "male" friends.
When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating..... He likes to "discuss" things.
When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating..... He calls you by name.
When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mom. Guess which one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?"
His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/special_high_intensity_training.jpg

[accuracy]

Freedom Statue, how Ironic.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/freedom_statue.jpg

[accuracy]

DIY Tank


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/476tank9085609.jpg

[accuracy]

A Human Car Performance

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[jahzel]

I can't stop watching this video!

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

:D

[kweli]

The Penis hereby requests a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not always stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do no take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you've completed the assigned task.
And, if all this is not enough, you've been seen constantly entering and exiting the work place carrying two suspicious looking bags! :D

[nofuture]

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c255/jchill805k/Graphix/HipHopJesusBlingBling.jpg

[nofuture]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/fail-owned-criminal-wtf-fail.jpg

[rhydra]

The England Cricket team has accused the ECB of not being concerned about their safety by not bringing them back from their tour of India.

A spokesman for the ECB said in a statement, "The ECB most vehemently disputes the allegation that we are not concerned with the safety of the England players. We recently ordered a full review of the security situation and found that the threat to the players was minimal.

Furthermore, the ECB have requested a meeting with the England captain and team to discuss the comments when they return from their tour of India, Somalia, Hellmand Province, Waziristan, the Sunni Triangle, Chechnya, South Ossetia and the Democratic Republic of Congo."

[krakhead]

Slinky Cat with Slinkity Sound! - YouTube

[accuracy]

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/potato-shark-485.jpg
Sometimes its just the fact that we don’t know what it is
that explains so much of life around us.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/beer-waitress-485.jpg
She was determined to keep her job as the pool waitress, but this was just a
bad day to forget her snorkel.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/keyboardescape-535.jpg
He had just finished typing “…and the dish ran away with the spoon”
when he saw this little guy trying to make a getaway

[accuracy]

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/sausage-case-485.jpg
Most airlines now carry an emergency meat kit in case one of
the passengers goes into vegetarian shock.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/crazy-jet-584.jpg
Fasten your seat belts and kiss this planet goodbye.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/vicious-485.jpg
Some nuts just aren’t worth fighting over

[accuracy]

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/coke-meltdown-483.jpg
After the third quarterly loss was announced, you could
just see the blood drain from the CEO’s face.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/shattered-bank-976.jpg
The economic crisis caused a chain reaction of
exploding bank accounts all over the world.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/pet-sweat-593.jpg
In the supermarket it was well positioned, right next to the infamous
“sniff your butt” air freshener.

[accuracy]

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/weiner-babies-485.jpg
The house rules stated that you have to eat the cutest ones first.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/the-landing-485.jpg
When skateboarding meets break dancing, everyone loses.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/the-cheap-seats-834.jpg
Cheap seats.

[accuracy]

Top Photos of the Week


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/river-of-crap-463.jpg
His whole life he had dreamed about floating away in a river of caramel,
only this wasn’t a river, and that stuff wasn’t caramel.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/plate-510.jpg
The food itself looked delicious, but the artsy table setting made people gag.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/wonderbra-890.jpg
The ad was very effective, but they had to test out 147 different models
before they found one who could actually break glass.


End of slideshow:D

[accuracy]

Pregnancy Jokes

A woman went to the doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.

The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.

"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"


Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized."

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.


A pregnant woman from Washington, D.C. gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am you had twins! A boy and a girl. Your brother from Maryland came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "No, not my brother... he's an idiot!"

She asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise."

"Wow, that's not a bad name, I like it! What's the boy's name?"

"Denephew. "


Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.

[accuracy]

http://i438.photobucket.com/albums/qq103/Accuracy_01/winepalate.gif?t=1228210129

[accuracy]

Air bags for kids


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/child_safety_first.jpg

[jayelowell]

A TRUE INVESTIGATION IS NEEDED - YouTube

[accuracy]

Teamsters

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention
in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When
he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union
house?"


"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."


"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."


Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off
down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized
shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madam responded, "Why, yes, sir, this IS a Union House."


The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"


"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20.00."


"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."


"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then pointing to an 85
year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[accuracy]

A Russian church


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/vKjeL5N8.jpg

[accuracy]

Sax gangsta


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/bDYACxLE.jpg

[accuracy]

Work bitch


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/Hs3zmL6a.jpg

[accuracy]

Anything is possible.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/with_hope.jpg

[accuracy]

Tampoon man costume.:rolleyes:


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/tampon_man.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/trojan_horse.jpg

[accuracy]

Lifes successes

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.

[size_of_light]

Lifes successes

At age 4, success is...not peeing in your pants.
At age 12, success is...having friends.
At age 16, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 20, success is...having sex.
At age 35, success is...having money.
At age 50, success is...having money.
At age 60, success is...having sex.
At age 70, success is...having a driver's license.
At age 75, success is...having friends.
At age 90, success is...not peeing in your pants.


:D

[nicolak]

Two owls were playing a quiet game of pool one day in a bar.

The first owl leans over to take his shot and, in doing so, slightly brushes his opponents ball with his wing.

The second owl say "Thats two hits",

First owl "Two hits to who??"

:)

[dangermouse]

the arnold rave
http://i187.photobucket.com/albums/x89/edwardbayntun/gifs/ArnieRave.gif

[accuracy]

Cannibals Jokes


An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals.

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.

The Chief said, "You betcha!"

When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."

The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"

The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."

Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"

The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."

After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"

The chief says, "No."

"No?" asked the rescuer.

"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."


Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?
They're very bitter.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.

A man was captured by cannibals. "What," asked the cannibal chief, licking his lips, "was your job before you were captured?"
"I was a newspaper man," came the reply.
"An editor?"
"No, merely a sub-editor."
"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you. After dinner you will be editor-in-chief."


What did the cannibal say when he met the famous explorer?
Doctor Livingstone, I consume?

"I don't think much of your wife."
"Well, never mind just eat the vegetables."

Two cannibals just finished a big meal and one turns to the other while rubbing his stomach with his fist and say, "You know, I just ate my mother-in-law, and she still doesn't agree with me!"

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"

When do cannibals leave the table?
When everyone's eaten.

A cannibal entered the meat market to buy something nice for dinner. The owner greeted him and told him to look around. The cannibal began to inspect the meat case and noticed the market specialized in brain.
Upon further inspection he noticed a marked disparity between the costs of brain meats. A carpenter's brain sells for $1.50 per pound. A plumber's brain sells for $2.25 per pound. He noticed with alarm that a politician's brain sells for $375.00 a pound. With not a little curiosity he asked the owner why the huge difference in price between the similar meats.
The owner responded with a deadpan look on his face, "Do you realize how many politicians it takes to get a pound of brains?

[lookfar]

I know this is a bit old, but it made me LOL yesterday when I needed cheering up:D

Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 Kilo weight gain in the past three days.

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce .

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[accuracy]

Don't Ever question the bravery of Yank soldiers again


http://triton.imageshack.us/Himg257/scaled.php?server=257&filename=braveryht6.jpg&xsize=578&ysize=480

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/walrus_sax.jpg

Sara the walrus and her Russian trainer Sergiy perform during a show at the newly-opened Istanbul Dolphinarium in Istanbul, Turkey, Dec. 1, 2008. Photo/Murad Sezer

[accuracy]

Beginner's Golf


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/eas8364golf.jpg

[jahzel]

YouTube - Broadcast Yourself.

:D

[keystone]

Jahzel

Been wanting to ask this for ages:

Is your first name hugh? :D

[jahzel]

Hugh?

...Err, nope?

Why?

EDIT: Is it because my sirnames: "jhpenis"?

[keystone]

Hugh?

...Err, nope?

Why?

EDIT: Is it because my sirnames: "jhpenis"?Just say hughjahzel without a break. :D

[jahzel]

ey?

[accuracy]

Welcome To Texas

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/138texas481239812.jpg

[seek_the_truth]

http://www.emailajoke.com/images/ver4/funny_pics/general/funny_joke_saddam_bush.jpg

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/T/c/bush_pope_santa.jpg

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/I/k/bush_meetthefuckers.jpg

:)

[shodan]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=SUJqQha7DD4&feature=related

[seek_the_truth]

http://watch.windsofchange.net/pics/capt.lon82812142156.topix_iraq_saddam_capture_lon8 28.jpg Karl Marx

http://cepa.newschool.edu/het/profiles/image/marx.gif Saddam Hussein after his capture

:)

[accuracy]

Short But Sweet

• Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

• A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, F@&k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!

• Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees. Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon ..'

• A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband, I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

• Wife gets naked & asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

• An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[accuracy]

Dress Made Of Phonebooks


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/phonebook-1-1.jpg

Who would have thought that an old phonebook could be turned into a dress? Well Jolis Paons did, and went to work creating a dress out of the pages of old phonebooks.

[accuracy]

In the back room of McDonalds, a photo they hoped would never get out


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/mcdonalds-back-room-384.jpg


In the early years, Winston tried many ways to make cigarette’s look sexy,
but this one never really caught on.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/dual-smokers-475.jpg


Sir, you don’t understand. People don’t actually try to win Darwin Awards.


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/moving-day-486.jpg

[seek_the_truth]

http://www.laughparty.com/funny-pictures/Damn-Straat-116.jpg

:)

[accuracy]

Update From The International Council of Man Laws

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23. Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls.
But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, And having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Thought of the day...]


'No woman will ever be truly satisfied,

because no man will ever have

a chocolate penis,that ejaculates money.'

[accuracy]

Swimming failure


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/water_fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img354.imageshack.us/img354/1390/397536mrtqwvg8.jpg


http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/5116/433640dilhwlt5.jpg


http://img361.imageshack.us/img361/6218/433649hmolwvy3.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img132.imageshack.us/img132/3058/433659lqtpwrs0.jpg


http://img376.imageshack.us/img376/3641/433573inpmwrf6.jpg


http://img376.imageshack.us/img376/6329/433542afiewbc8.jpg

[boots]

http://www.laughparty.com/funny-pictures/damn-straat-116.jpg

:)


:d

.

[accuracy]

Why men don't skinny dip?




http://img123.imageshack.us/img123/9831/skinnydipgg8.gif

[accuracy]

Dangerous Drugs

what are the Dangerous Drugs again ?


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/dangerous_drug.jpg

[accuracy]

Medical Warning ! !



http://img355.imageshack.us/img355/3987/medicalwarningqo8.gif

[accuracy]

It's sooooooooo good to be back online after my upgrade problems with
my isp:D

[accuracy]

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire


http://www.jokesy.com/images/who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire-jokes.jpg

Mick appeared on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the programme had already won £500,000.


You've done very well so far," said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for £1million you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend.

Everything is riding on this question......will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

Here comes the question:

Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
A. Sparrow
B. Thrush
C. Magpie
D. Cuckoo


I haven't got a clue," said Mick, "so I'll use my last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin ". Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......it's a cuckoo."

“Are you sure?”

"I'm fookin sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris

"Dat it is, Sir."

There was a long, long pause, then the presenter screamed, Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won £1 million!"


The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink "Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build it's own nest?. I mean you know fook-all about birds."

"For fooks sake!" laughed Paddy. "Everybody knows a cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[accuracy]

Witty and Funny Insults

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.


http://www.jokesy.com/images/funny-and-witty-insults-youre-the-reason-man-has-a.gif

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?

People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.

Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.

The mind reader had a very busy day today. You were a vacation.

I thought of you all day today when I was at the zoo.

I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.

I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.

I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!

I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.

I believe in respect for the dead; in fact, I could only respect you if you WERE dead.

Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.

You spent so much time trying to get rid of that halitosis that you had only to find out that you are not popular anyway.

You are the kind of person who, when one first meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you better, one hates you.

I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.

There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.

I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.

You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get someone to adopt you.

You're very smart. You have brains you never used.

You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.

You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!

You have a good weapon against muggers -- your face!

You are the answer to my prayer!! I prayed to find out if things could get worse!!

I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.

I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.

This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on an unarmed man.

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.

The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor?

I hear you are an officer. Your rank is -- just plain rank!

You are so fat that I hear you were arrested three times for jay-walking when all the time you were just standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.

Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/what_has_been_seen.jpg

[accuracy]

Machine gun chain saw


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/machine_gun_chainsaw.jpg

[accuracy]

Broken arm explainer.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/broken_arm_explainer.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/little02lcloser.jpg

[mushroombot]

http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo335/mushroombot/bigthree.jpg

[accuracy]

Tequila Limit


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/teq827hour.jpg

[tracker]

In the local paper this week people have been asked to check on their neighbours during the cold weather .

well tell that to my 96 year old neighbour , she hasnt checked on me once and the lazy bitch hasnt even bothered bringing in her milk for the last 2 weeks .



:D

[accuracy]

Why, Why, Why,

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they already know there is not enough money?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does someone
believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[accuracy]

12 signs you have a computer addiction

Number 8 looks very familiar.


http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_01.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_02.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_03.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_04.jpg

[accuracy]

12 signs you have a computer addiction....cont.......


http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_05.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_06.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_07.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_08.jpg

[accuracy]

12 signs you have a computer addiction....cont....

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_09.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_11.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_12.jpg

http://i106.photobucket.com/albums/m275/jogi21/computer_addicted_13.jpg

[accuracy]

You know you're Australian if . . . .


http://www.jokesy.com/images/you-know-youre-australian-if11.jpg

You know the meaning of 'girt'

You believe that stubbies can either be worn or drunk

You think it is normal to have a Prime Minister called Kevin

You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse

You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden

When you hear that an American 'roots for his team' you wonder how often and with whom

You understand that the phrase 'a group of women wearing black thongs' refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds

You pronounce Melbourne as ' Mel -bin'

You pronounce Penrith as 'Pen-riff'

You believe the 'L' in the word ' Australia ' is optional

You can translate: 'Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas'

You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, pineapples, prawns and sheep

You call your best friend 'a total bastard' but someone you really, truly despise is just 'a bit of a bastard'

You think 'Woolloomooloo' is a perfectly reasonable name for a place

You believe is makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin

You understand that 'Wagga Wagga' can be abbreviated to 'Wagga' but 'Woy Woy' can't be called 'Woy'

You believe that cooked-down axle grease makes a good breakfast spread

You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis

You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says 'cobber'

You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song 'Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again'

You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionary known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year

You still don't get why the 'Labor' in 'Australian Labor Party' is not spelt with a 'u'

You wear ugg boots outside the house

You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them

Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language

You understand that 'excuse me' can sound rude, while 'scuse me' is alway polite

You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasions via your nose

You understand that 'you' has a plural and that it's 'youse'

You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle

You biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules of beach cricket

You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call 'Anzac Cookies'

You still think of Kylie as 'that girl off Neighbours'

When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit

You believe the phrase 'smart casual' refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered

You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction

When working at a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer

You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second

You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

[accuracy]

Santa flashing crowd!


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/santa_flashing.jpg

[boots]

Bloody great^^^ Love it:D


The Aussie post.

.

[accuracy]

Bloody great^^^ Love it:D


The Aussie post.

.
Yeah, it was funny :D and thanks.

[accuracy]

How to poop at work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it... We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURD

BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied.

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Buster2712 has sent you a YouTube greetings card


Very funny video clip :D:D

http://au.youtube.com/greeting_view?s=UV4wvP9uYgY&p=C49B90C476176C46

Enjoy!

[accuracy]

Weather Jokes


http://www.jokesy.com/images/weather-jokes-the-forecast-for-toda-scattered-arro.gif


Q. What did the one tornado say to the other?

A. Let’s twist again like we did last summer.


Q. What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer?

A. You make my temperature rise.


Q. What’s the difference between a horse and the weather?

A. One is reined up and the other rains down.


Q. What did one raindrop say to the other raindrop?

A. My plop is bigger than your plop.


Q. Why did the woman go outdoors with her purse open?

A. Because she expected some change in the weather.


Q. What did the tornado say to the other tornado?

A. You turn me on!


Q. What’s the difference between weather and climate?

A. You can’t weather a tree, but you can climate.


Q. What happens when it rains cats and dogs?

A. You have to been careful not to step in a poodle.


Q. What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

A. Fowl weather.


Q. What did the hurricane say to the other hurricane?

I have my eye on you.


Q. How do you find out the weather when you’re on vacation?

Go outside and look up.

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Emailing: BoxingFan

Funny video clip :D

http://s438.photobucket.com/albums/qq103/Accuracy_01/?action=view&current=BoxingFan.flv

It doesn't load for me.

[accuracy]

Nice xmas lights.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/nice_xmas_lights.jpg

[accuracy]

Happy holiday truth.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/happy_holidays_truth.jpg

[accuracy]

40 inspirational speeches.


40 inpirational Speeches crammed into a couple minutes, feeling inspired ?


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_vids/40_inspirational_speeches.jpg

Video clip....

40 inpirational Speeches@@AMEPARAM@@Vid=40_inspirational_speeches. flv@@AMEPARAM@@40_inspirational_speeches

[accuracy]

Cowboy Warning


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/151cowboy67678235.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/scorpion-mouth.jpg

Thai woman Nong Na releases a scorpion from her mouth after a successful world record attempt at a shopping mall in Pattaya, eastern Thailand. Nong held the live scorpion in her mouth for over two minutes, setting a world record.
Photo/Christophe Archambault

[accuracy]

Dinosaur Jokes


Q. Where does a Tyrannosaurus sit when he comes to stay?

A. Anywhere he wants to.



Q. What did they call prehistoric sailing disasters?

A. Tyrannosaurus wrecks.



Q. Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds?

A. Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.



Q. What do you call a dinosaur as tall as a house, with long sharp teeth, and 12 claws on each foot?

A. Sir.



Q. What do dinosaurs have that no other animals have?

A. Baby Dinosaurs.



Q. How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you?

A. By the `D' on his pajamas.



Q. How do you know if there is a Brachiosaurus in bed with you?

A. By the dinosnores.



Patient: Doctor,doctor,I keep seeing dinosaurs with orange spots!

Doctor: Hmmm...Have you seen an eye doctor?

Patient: No,just dinosaurs with orange spots.

[accuracy]

Small Bike


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/477bikesmall3086098.jpg

[accuracy]

Presidental Call

The President was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely to contain himself, "There's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters & piss oil."

[merlincove]

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/1830/12334635mu5.th.png (http://img244.imageshack.us/my.php?image=12334635mu5.png)

http://img244.imageshack.us/img244/1198/35377809pr3.th.png (http://img244.imageshack.us/my.php?image=35377809pr3.png)

[accuracy]

The Secret Life of Santa Clause


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/secret-life-of-santa-901.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/marlboro_country.jpg

[accuracy]

What-what

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/what1.jpg

[accuracy]

3 Words Test

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

[boots]

3 words test

a us border patrol agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." the mexican man pleads with him, "no, noooo, senor, i must stay in de usa! Pleeeze!"
the border patrol agent thinks to himself, i'm going to make it hard for him, and says "ok, i'll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence."
the mexican man of course agrees.
The border patrol agent tells him, "the three words are: Green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
the mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "hmmm, ok. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

:d

.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/totally_drunk.jpg

[accuracy]

Sweet Ride Brings Babes


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/462babecatch08066.jpg

[accuracy]

Microsoft VS. GM

At a recent computer expo (1996 COMDEX), Bill Gates compared the computer industry to the automotive indusrty by stating: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars that cost $25.00 and get 1,00 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bills comment, General Motors issued A press release making the following statement: "If we (GM) had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1) for no reson whatsoever, your car would crash twice per day.

2) Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3) Your car would occasionally stop on the freeway without reason. In order to get started again, you would have to pull off to the side of the road, close all the windowsshut off the car resart it and open all the windows again. For some unknown reason, you would simply do this without question.

4) Occasionally, executing a maneuver, such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to resart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5) Only one person could use the car at one time unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT", but then you would also have to buy more seats.

6) The new seats you would need would force everyone to have the same size butt.

7) You would press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

8) The oil warning light, water warning light, and alternator warning light would all be replaced by a single "Unidentified System Error" light.

9) The air bag would ask ur freshly mangled body "are you sure" before going off.

10) Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you back inuntill you simultaneously lifted the driver side door handle, turned the key, and grabbed the radio antenna.

11) The radio antenna would be internally mounted on the passenger side of the car.

12) buying a new car would force you to also purchase a new set of Deluxe Rand McNally road maps, dispite the fact that you niether need nor want them. Attempting to delet this otion would immediately cause your cars performance to diminish by 50% or more.

13) every time GM introduced a new car, people would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the old controls would function in the new car.

14) Macintosh would make a car that was five times faster, ten times more reliable and easier to mantain, twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads."

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/oooops.jpg

In this July 5, 2008 photo, an Army cadet looks down at his ripped uniform pants as he marches in a military parade commemorating Venezuela's Independence Day in Ft. Tiuna in Caracas.
Photo/Fernando Llano

[accuracy]

Pet spider


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pet_spider.jpg

[accuracy]

Crazy Sexy Cool Japan

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/KwymD3G2.jpg

[accuracy]

Bottle Cap Necktie

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/bottle-tie.jpg

Now Boozers Have Fashion Sense

[accuracy]

FDA Approves Drug To Lengthen Eyelashes


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/longeyelashes.jpg

The FDA has just approved a drug that will help lengthen your eyelashes. Hopefully they won’t get quite as long as the ones in this photo, but who knows the long term effects of eyelash medication overdoses?

:-)

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/bugatti.jpg

In this image released by Bonhams, an extremely rare 1937 Bugatti Type 57S Atalante, is seen in a garage in Gosforth, England, where it was found by relatives after the death of the owner, an elderly doctor who last used it around 1960. The Bugatti, one of only 17 ever made, is expected to draw a record price when it is auctioned in Paris next month.

Photo/Bonhams

[accuracy]

WHY WOMEN MOVE TO FLORIDA


http://img361.imageshack.us/img361/6626/floridatreebo0.jpg

They grow on trees there!

[accuracy]

Multi Tasking


http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/8054/multitaskingzu6.gif

[accuracy]

A warning.


http://img82.imageshack.us/img82/1830/waningbd7.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img381.imageshack.us/img381/171/img46cef142bd3dcry5.jpg

[accuracy]

Beachballs


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/beachballs.jpg

[boots]

Multi Tasking


http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/8054/multitaskingzu6.gif

:D


Oh SHIT I've done that.

:p:o:)

.

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=195&pictureid=1613

[accuracy]

:D


Oh SHIT I've done that.

:p:o:)

.


One gets worse after a few beers..................:D

[accuracy]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=195&pictureid=1613


Great pic, t-h-a-n-k-s- :D

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021504/plot-the-graph.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/020404/for-your-sins.gif

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/021805/my-order-was-WRONG.gif

[accuracy]

College Sign


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/23studentcross9834905.jpg

[accuracy]

Pinochio


Q:Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?

A:Becase she sat on Pinochio's face and said "Lie to me Pinochio lie!"

[accuracy]

What happened here?

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/what_happened_here.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/Copy%20of%2011-hapy-nu-ear.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/wisconsin_swim_ice.jpg

Swimmers dodge big chunks of ice during the 23rd annual polar bear swim in Jacksonport, Wisconsin. Photo/Christine Nesheim

[accuracy]

Works Like A Charm


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/171liquid92348.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/pink-iguana.jpg

Italian researcher Gabriele Gentile holds a pink iguana, a newly-documented species that may provide evidence of species divergence far earlier than Charles Darwin's famous famous finches, in an undated photo.
Photo/Gabriele Gentile

[accuracy]

Smile and say cheese.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_smiles_big.jpg

[accuracy]

Smile and say cheese.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_smiles_big.jpg


Shit, that looks like Camilla.........:)

[accuracy]

Chinese Name


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/fukieng93gur.jpg

[boots]

Smile and say cheese.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/horse_smiles_big.jpg

I was wondering which one was the horse:eek::)

.

[accuracy]

Chocolate Pencils


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/01chocpencilimg_assist_custom.jpg

At least when you chew your pencil when you get nervous you wont have to worry about splinters

[pinkfreud]

Multi Tasking


http://img368.imageshack.us/img368/8054/multitaskingzu6.gif



:rolleyes: typical


edit: http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/trojan_horse.jpg


haha :D man i love cyanide and happiness.



http://hoox.files.wordpress.com/2007/08/cyanide-and-happiness-sickness1.jpg

[pinkfreud]

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a Convenience Store, a Service Station, a Kebab Shop or a Takeaway Cafe in Australia.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers who live in Australia.



haha :D oh man, thanks for bringing a smile to my face.

[mushroombot]

http://i389.photobucket.com/albums/oo335/mushroombot/rexbelievesinanarchy.jpg

[accuracy]

haha :D oh man, thanks for bringing a smile to my face.

You're welcome :D

Oh yea, you're album is awesome!!

[abrilliantone]

http://www.funnytreat.com/pictures/baby/funny_baby_pictures/funny_baby_pictures_6.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funnytreat.com/pictures/baby/funny_baby_pictures/funny_baby_pictures_6.jpg


Looks like a nuclear piss to me! :D

[accuracy]

Muddy Boarding ... Like boogy boarding except painful and messy,


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/muddy_boarding.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/rude/rude019.jpg

[abrilliantone]

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming." :D

[abrilliantone]

http://www.aardvarkarchie.com/pictures/images/bizarre/bizarre011.jpg

[abrilliantone]

What do you get when you cross Elton John with a Sabertooth tiger?

I don't know but you better keep it away from your ass. :D

[accuracy]

Untie me kangaroo now, sport!


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/702500/702741_ee01_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/697000/697473_7bb6_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/697500/697615_1664_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/692000/692094_bb3f_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/687000/687383_39e1_600x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/687000/687340_7784_600x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.worth1000.com/entries/436000/436475RWYv_w.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/738000/738043_930b_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/736500/736566_cb54_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/733500/733657_660f_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/722000/722253_eaf7_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/718500/718685_68ca_625x1000.jpg

[accuracy]

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/712000/712317_4907_625x1000.jpg


http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/711500/711812_41a7_625x1000.jpg

http://rookery2.viary.com/storagev12/702000/702004_73d2_625x1000.jpg

...end of slideshow............:D

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/46786/1230825344/Eyelights.gif

[accuracy]

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/frogspawn.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/70675/1231279357/thumb.JT.jpg

[accuracy]

Fun for all the family


http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/30865/1231331649/packaging.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.salamanderorganics.co.uk/roadmap.gif


http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/45021/1231372897/wrong.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/46827/1230853802/amp.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/44577/1231003937/popups.gif

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/21975/1230803026/tenabucket.png

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/40806/1231090148/smoothie.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.helpdesign.co.uk/amy_crack.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/a935267f3eb60192ab7f/water.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/086798a31816e3526b1f/wanking.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/2103a3a3f4466eb7df81/smirnoff-fly_copy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/48648/1231179780/thepowerofchrist.gif

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/c7b44f5c8593a089ddfa/fork_advert2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.boltneck.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/drinker.gif

[accuracy]

http://www.paulsquiz.com/images/rawlplugs.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/2103a3a3f4466eb7df81/22222.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.globalhumbug.com/hosted/00sp.jpg

[accuracy]

George Michael


http://0yn4wa.bay.livefilestore.com/y1p5qJGBocF3qvFPAMZ6gKa2MOdgCWWkKPoeqIphmXG_nHaYKG NtdhUupnHOfYFbfHHmMk4gRBk6es/gmspa1.gif

[accuracy]

http://mictoboy.co.uk/gallery/walsh.jpg

[talkingchimp]

an alien,a freemason, and a reptile humanoid walk into a bar........................

[dangermouse]

The wtc attacks were actually caused by an Irishman,

Paddy and Mick were replacing a door in the WTC1 and after alot of measuring and speculation, Mick said to Paddy " You know that door aint level, Would ya go out there and get a plane?"

:D

[accuracy]

Warning for Americans!


http://bartblog.bartcop.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/mvc-013f.jpg


Warning!

This warning isn’t a political message for Americans.

Since Australians drive on the left hand side of the

road, Americans are in danger. They are used to

looking left and stepping into the street.

In Australia, they could be blindsided by traffic

coming from the right, so this warning for American

pedestrians is painted at many intersections in Sydney.

[abrilliantone]

That is a good thing, because I wouldn't want to end up like this lady.:)


http://tn3-2.deviantart.com/fs11/300W/i/2006/170/2/3/Road_Kill_Mary_by_Sushi666.jpg

[accuracy]

Fast German Shepherd.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fast_german_shepard.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/breastfeeding_rocks.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/7738.monkeydopoopoo.gif

[accuracy]

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/5832.discodog.gif

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/56041/1230932412/tashe.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/43531/1230794181/thumb.euphcopy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/57442/1231258673/queue.jpg

[accuracy]

http://i236.photobucket.com/albums/ff83/robneymcplum/brie.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/97edbdbced67e672867d/miniskirts_in_snow_storm.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/45211/1231012561/CATS.JPG

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/97edbdbced67e672867d/zeroair_06.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/24656/1231159101/magicbiscuit.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3tards.com/u/dfc48eccc3a3eaf50079/pope-advert.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/71497/1231325383/pocketfluffdisplaycopy.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/65270/1231167356/water.jpg

[boots]

:D

Thanks for the laugh's accuracy.

.

[abrilliantone]

http://www.g4g.it/phpnews/images/Star_Trek_funny_pics_01.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://static.pyzam.com/img/funnypics/5/pyzamsnipercat.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.funnypicturesofcats.info/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/funny-pictures-of-cats-dot-info-345.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.lolpix.com/_pics/Funny_Pictures_56/Funny_Pictures_5617.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://i37.photobucket.com/albums/e82/advisor31/funny%20pictures/funny_pictures_Death_by_Viagra.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/7/K/x/1/obama_kennedy_drive.jpg (http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/K/x/1/obama_kennedy_drive.jpg)

[abrilliantone]

http://blogs.nashvillescene.com/nashvillecream/funny-pictures-your-cats-evil-plan-is-working.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.funpicsfree.com/photogallery/posters_new_fun/cybersex.gif

[abrilliantone]

http://content.pyzam.com/funnypics/1/pyzamarmpit.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://images.icanhascheezburger.com/completestore/2008/6/19/playswellwith128584126244614857.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.indianchild.com/images/b250.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.welcometopixelton.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/funny-pictures-of-cats-dot-info-011.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://lordalexvw.videofoundry.co.nz/cat_pics/catgamer.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.toofunnyjokes.com/images/thumbnailitems/Funny-Photos/funny-photo004.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://rejectedreality.files.wordpress.com/2008/02/scary_hillary.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.myspacegraphicsandanimations.com/images/barack-obama-funny-graphic2.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://punditkitchen.wordpress.com/files/2008/04/political-pictures-barack-obama-answer.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/59/203745975_46fc259340.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/7/m/J/2/bullwinkle-assassination.jpg (http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/m/J/2/bullwinkle-assassination.jpg)

[abrilliantone]

http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/I/U/2/bush-obama-shake-grab.jpg (http://z.about.com/d/politicalhumor/1/0/I/U/2/bush-obama-shake-grab.jpg)

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.qwantz.com/comics/comic2-1411.png

[cafetimes1991]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY

Excellent video!

[abrilliantone]

http://stix1972.typepad.com/stix_blog/images/2008/03/20/liberalpost.jpg

[abrilliantone]

http://www.habeeb.com/images/funny.photos/funny_0070.jpg
Disciplining kids

[abrilliantone]

http://www.habeeb.com/images/funny.photos/funny_0075.jpg
Coming in on a wing and a prayer
Dinner is served

[abrilliantone]

http://www.habeeb.com/images/funny.photos/sign_on_the_line.jpg
Please sign on the line...

[scatlond]

Knock knock

Whos there?

M A B its a big horse.

M A B its a big horse who?


















M A B its a big horse Im a landiner that i lav Landan Town.

[abrilliantone]

http://www.habeeb.com/images/funny.photos/funny_0094.jpg

[scatlond]

Thats freaky:eek:

[abrilliantone]

That it is :D

[abrilliantone]

A guy was having sex with this girl, when he looks over and sees a picture of another guy on her nightstand.

He asked the girl, "Who's the douchebag in the photo, your husband or your boyfriend?"

The girl replied, "Little man please, that was Me three years ago." :D

[boots]

:D:D

You had some really good one there abrilliantone PMSL:D


t.HA.nks.

.

.

[pinkfreud]

A guy was having sex with this girl, when he looks over and sees a picture of another guy on her nightstand.

He asked the girl, "Who's the douchebag in the photo, your husband or your boyfriend?"

The girl replied, "Little man please, that was Me three years ago." :D




bwahahaha :D









A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."

The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."

The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.

After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "

The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"







A general store hires a young female clerk with a penchant for very short skirts...

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. "I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man says politely.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which, of course, happens to be located on the very top shelf. The man, standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with an excellent view.

As the clerk retrieves the bread, a small group of male customers gather around the young man, looking in the same direction. Right away, another guy asks for raisin bread and, then, each guy in turn is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down.

After more than a few trips, the clerk is tired and irritated. She stops and fumes at the top of the ladder, glaring down at the men standing below.

She notices an elderly man coming up through the crowd.

"Is yours raisin too?" the clerk yells testily.

"No," croaks the old man feebly, "But it's startin' to twitch."

[boots]

PMSL at the nun joke. PF

[pinkfreud]

:D

[abrilliantone]

LMAO pinkfreud :D


A math teacher asks what comes after 69?

A blonde says, "You wash your hands and wash out your mouth, duh."

[pinkfreud]

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey."










Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
And so they did.
As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose."

[pinkfreud]

There was a businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation, to the old man.

"Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except …" said the old man, and then he stopped.

"Except what?" asked the businessman.

"Nothing, nothing," said the old man.

"C'mon, tell me! I need something!" protested the businessman.

"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick,'" the old man said.

"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" the businessman asked.

The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said, "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"

The old man said, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet."

He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door."

The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said, "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!"

The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.

The businessman said, "I'll take it!"

The old man resisted and said it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say, "Voodoo dick, my pussy."

He left for his trip satisfied things would be fine while he was gone.

After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before.

After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing.

The officer looked at her for a second, and then said, "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"





:D

[pinkfreud]

Yo momma so fat she sat on walmart and lowered the prices.

Yo Momma so fat she can go on vacation by rolling over.

Yo momma so fat she needs a VCR for a pager

Yo momma so fat when she turns around its her birthday again

Yo momma so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phonebook.

Yo momma so fat the elephant on her shirt is real

Yo mommas so fat she pooped out an actionfigure.

Yo Momma so fat she tripped over Wal-Mart and landed on Target

Yo momma so fat that her belly button makes an echo

Yo momma so fat her cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard

Yo momma so fat when she walks past window we lose four days of sun light

Yo momma so fat she had to get baptised at sea world

Yo momma so fat when I layed back on her stomach i rolled twice and I was still in the middle

Yo momma so fat when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials

Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale

Yo momma so fat at a restaurant when they give her the menu she replies " yes Please"

Yo momma so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma so fat when she went to get a water bed, they put a blanket across Lake Michigan.

Yo momma so fat when she sat on a rainbow, Skittle's fell out.

Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.

Yo momma so fat when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.

Yo momma so fat she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Yo momma so fat she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

[merlincove]

Yo momma so fat she sat on walmart and lowered the prices.

Yo Momma so fat she can go on vacation by rolling over.


Yo momma so fat when she walked in front of the TV I missed 3 commercials


Yo momma so fat when she went to the beach Greenpeace tried to drag her back in the water.

Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side.


Yo momma so fat she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.

Brilliant, fell off my chair again :-)

[pinkfreud]

Brilliant, fell off my chair again :-)

glad you liked it :p got any gems of your own merlin?

[abrilliantone]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man.

Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire." :D

[abrilliantone]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job." :D

[abrilliantone]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices...

1. You come fishing with me and the dog...

2. You give me a BLOW JOB....

3. or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." :D

[pinkfreud]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices...

1. You come fishing with me and the dog...

2. You give me a BLOW JOB....

3. or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all shitty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either." :D



LMAO ewwwwwww