A humour thread

[accuracy]

Dysfunctional family

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/disfunctional_drunk_family.jpg

[accuracy]

No Hope

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/crisiocn3sult.jpg

[accuracy]

Window Licker..


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/monkey_window_licker.jpg

[accuracy]

Welcome and enjoy your stay.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/welcome_to_nobody_cares.jpg

[accuracy]

Women on the moon.


Why didnt NASA send a woman to the moon yet?

Because it does not need to be cleaned!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ugly Kid!


A lady gets on a train with her baby. A guy sitting across from her looks at the baby and starts laughing hysterically.

He says, "Lady, that's the ugliest kid I've ever seen. It looks like a monkey. What an ugly kid."

The lady freaks out, and goes running into the next car sobbing uncontrollably. The conductor sees her and comes over to her to console her.

He says, "Lady, relax...things are going to be all right...we'll get off at the next stop, get a cup of coffee...maybe we'll even find a banana for your monkey."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Weeping little boy.


A little boy is standing at the side of a river, weeping. His tears are streaming down his cheeks. An elderly lady passes by and feels pity for him. "What is the matter, young boy? Why are you crying?" "It's mean!", the boy sniffed, "My daddy drowned all four little kittens we had yesterday!" "That's awful indeed !", the lady replied angrily, "Your father is a real bastard!' "Yes", said the little boy, "He had promised to me that I could do it."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
psychiatrist pictures.


man goes to see a psychiatrist on the recommendation of his wife. The psychiatrist starts by showing the man a series of ink blots. For each blot the doctor asks the man, "What does this remind you of?" and the man replies each time, "Sex." Finally the doctor concludes, "You're obsessed with sex." The man replies, "Well you're the one with all the dirty pictures!"

[accuracy]

Green Grass

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/styaofgrass03.jpg

[accuracy]

Get Along

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before
takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the
two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was
settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet
into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in
shoes and pissing in cokes

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/understanding_computer_technology.jpg

[rixxmixxhell]

hahahahahahaha

You go Accuracy

Why you not come on the main forum to chat???


:D

[accuracy]

Cheating Girlfriend

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/eatd894girlfdfried.jpg

[accuracy]

hahahahahahaha

You go Accuracy

Why you not come on the main forum to chat???


:D

Heheheheh,
There's just not enough hours in a day, but i will for sure look
into it.:)

[tracker]

hhm :rolleyes:

humour thread ?

2 apples dont make a pair . :D

[rixxmixxhell]

Heheheheh,
There's just not enough hours in a day, but i will for sure look
into it.:)

;)

[accuracy]

Cheating Husband

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to
his house for an early afternoon "quickie."

"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a business
trip, so there's no risk."

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse
and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth
control!"

"No problem," her lover replies. "I'll get my wife's diaphragm."

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in
a fury. "That witch!" he exclaims. "She took it with her! I
always knew she didn't trust me!"

[accuracy]

8 airbags ad.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/8_airbags_ad.jpg

[accuracy]

Mouth Shot Glasses.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/mouth_shot_glasses.jpg

Some people will do anything for attention huh ! How the hell do you fit 2 shot glasses in your mouth.

[accuracy]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sexual intercourse:


http://www.jokesy.com/images/jokes-about-sex.jpg

The 1st kind is called: Smurf Sex.

This is when you first meet someone and you both go at it until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind is called: Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so easily turned on by your partner, you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind is called: Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a while and the sex has become routine and usually only occurs in your bedroom.

The 4th kind is called: Social Security Sex.

This is when you get a little each fortnight, but not enough to live on

The 5th kind is called: Religious Sex.

This is when you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called: Hallway Sex.

This is after you have been having the 5th kind too long and when you pass each other in the hallway, you both say, "screw you."

The 7th and last kind is called: Courtroom Sex.

This is when you cannot stand each other any more and your spouse takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

[accuracy]

Eastern Convertible

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/convert8393ble.jpg

[accuracy]

The Train Ride

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she
smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped
me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton
again."

[rixxmixxhell]

the train ride

in a train carriage there was bill clinton, george bush, janet reno and bo derek.
After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the
unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) bo derek thought - "that sleazeball clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on janet reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) janet reno thought - "that dirty bill clinton laid his hands on bo derek and she
smacked him."

(3) bill clinton thought - "george put his hand on bo derek and by mistake she slapped
me."

(4) george bush thought - "i hope there's another tunnel soon so i can smack clinton
again."



lmao!!!!! :D:D:D:D

[tracker]

hhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ?

humor thread again .

ok then ( not bein snidy or absent minded its only a joke )


i think hurricanes are like women .

they are wet and wild when they come

























and take the house and car as they leave :D

[tracker]

hhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm ?

humor thread again .

ok then ( not bein snidy or absent minded its only a joke )


i think hurricanes are like women .

they are wet and wild when they come

























and take the house and car as they leave :D

another one spring to mind .


a group of dyslexic baddies do a bank robbery

suddenly a person shouts

THIS IS A HANDS
STICK YOUR AIR IN THE MOVE
AND EVERY BODY HIGH

THIS IS A F-CKUP :eek:



:D

[accuracy]

Who's Getting The Ticket?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/cop30crahin831.jpg

[accuracy]

Free Wash

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/oprob340parking.jpg

[accuracy]

Buying Flowers

A BLONDE and a brunette are walking past a flower shop.

The brunette sees her boyfriend inside and says: "Oh no, my boyfriend is inside buying me flowers again."

The blonde asks: "Why is that so bad?"

The brunette says:"Every time he buys me flowers, he expects something in return and I don't feel like spending the entire weekend with my legs in the air."

The blonde asks:"Why, don't you have a vase?"

[accuracy]

Old George In The Hospital

http://www.jokesy.com/images/old-george-in-the-hospital.jpg

George was an old man. He was sick and in the hospital.
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy.


Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, 'And how are we doing this morning', or 'Are we ready for a bath', or 'Are we hungry?'

Old George had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, at breakfast, Old George took the apple juice off the tray and put it in his bed side stand.

Next, he was given a urine bottle to fill for testing.

So, you know where the juice went! The nurse came in a little later, picked up the urine bottle and looked at it. 'My, it seems we are a little cloudy today.’

At this, Old George snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and drank it down, saying, 'Well, I'll run it through again. Maybe I can filter it better this time.'

The nurse fainted!


Old George just smiled!


DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE!!!!

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/booby_beer_cover.jpg

[biblegirl]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/booby_beer_cover.jpg

that is too funny, thanks so much accuracy for all the time you put into this hilarious thread :D

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pole_dancing_wrong.jpg

[accuracy]

that is too funny, thanks so much accuracy for all the time you put into this hilarious thread :D

Gee, i thought i doubled posted then..................:)

It's pure pleasure to make one laugh, biblegirl!

:D:D

[accuracy]

Rental Inquiries

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/rental03inque2.jpg

[wnphil]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/thai329cuis3.jpg

This is a great restaurant - and i was lucky enough to meet the owner and be present for a talk he gave to my students. An interesting guy.........

[curly]

Police were called to a serious incident at a pizza hut in central london today after a report that a man had gone beserk in the kitchen,when they arrived they found the man in a distressed state and covered in pepperoni,mushrooms,green peppars,onions sweetcorn,ham,balti chicken and spicy pork.Eye witnesses said the man had tried to top himself.

[accuracy]

Rodney Dangerfield Quotes

http://www.jokesy.com/images/rodney-dangerfield-quotes.jpg

I was such an ugly baby ... My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through.

I'm so ugly ... My mother had morning sickness ... after I was born.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

When I was born the doctor turned me upside down and said, "my god twins"

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said "I don't know, there's so many places they could hide."

I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd had nothing to play with.

I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet..

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap - he was in the electric chair

A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home."
I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off.

I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " on your mark ......"

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, so he nailed my other foot to the floor.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII, no days just nights.

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.

They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self', what am I supposed to do jerk him off too ?

I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint

My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said "why should I you never put out for me".

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No, one drag is enough"

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them " are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", "No I hate myself now"

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

FAT. My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.

FAT. My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing

She was so fat that after she sat on someone's lap we had to look for him in the crack of her ass.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.

She was so fat that she wears a 'cross your thighs' bra

She was so fat that she has a dress with a sign on the back that says "caution wide load"

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so fat that when I hit her with my car she asked why I didn't go around her and I said that I didn't think I had enough gas.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size)

She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.

She was so ugly that she has a face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up.

She was so ugly that she looks like she came second in a hatchet fight.

She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.

My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.

There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "surprise me" I said, so he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, "To the best woman a man ever had". The waiter joined me.

I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

Group sex are you kidding I had group sex - My wife screwed in front of the jury.

My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.

I told my Doctor I think my wife has V.D., he gave himself a shot of penicillin

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave my one with four cavities.

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blow onion rings.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said okay you're ugly too.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said "hey buddy I got your cheque" he said "thanks"

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.

My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.

Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door.
I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

I have three kids, one of each.

I have a son in college. He's majoring in F.....g up.

What a mean kid too. Why he puts krazy glue in my preparation H. --

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.

My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "shut the f..k up"!

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels.
It was all about money.

I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.

My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, "all kids smell that way".

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I did get the license number".

My wife had her driver’s test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo.

My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cat_cocaine.jpg

[accuracy]

10 reasons computers must be Males

10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.

9. A better model is always just around the corner.

8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.

7. It is always necessary to have a backup.

6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.

5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

3. The lights are on but nobody's home.

2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.

1. Size does matter.

[accuracy]

Lucky You Warned Me


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sid984end.jpg

[accuracy]

Doughnut Or Ticket


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hun49copsdun.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/798AV2Ln.jpg

[accuracy]

Team Mates


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/TYm4a4QT.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/tPsx90aR.jpg

[tracker]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/tPsx90aR.jpg

yes thats a good one .:D

[accuracy]

Goliath Roller Coaster Puke!


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/goliath_roller_coaster.jpg

[accuracy]

I told you not to park there, I told you.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/monster_sink_hole.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/r6krc1mp.jpg

[nofuture]

http://i59.photobucket.com/albums/g309/2fst2liv2yng2die/Bowie/BowieHen.jpg
http://yousoundlikearobot.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/04/hitleremo.jpg

[moonshine]

http://i35.tinypic.com/2a7yj46.jpg

[moonshine]

http://i36.tinypic.com/j5askj.jpg

[accuracy]

Month Special

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/monthspecial45.jpg

[accuracy]

Sour Watermelon

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/sour_watermelon.jpg

[accuracy]

Big People Words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the
first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher
insisted on no baby talk.

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit
my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!"
She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a
choo-choo."

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words."
She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"
Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great
pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

[accuracy]

No comment


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/gxS4C5Z4.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/r6krc1mp.jpg

[infin8_possibility]

Touch it gently, put 2 fingers inside, if its wide use 3 fingers. Make sure its wet and rub up and down.

Yep! Thats how you wash a Cup!!!

[accuracy]

Freaky Frisbee Dog bends in weird ways.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/weird_frisbee_dog.jpg

[moonshine]

http://i36.tinypic.com/1zv30w5.jpg

[accuracy]

Moods of a Woman and a Man


http://www.jokesy.com/images/moods-of-a-woman-an-angel-of-truth-and-a-dream-of-.JPG


http://www.jokesy.com/images/the-moods-of-a-man-hungry-horny-sleepy.jpg

[accuracy]

Free Ride


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/freepoliceride745.jpg

[accuracy]

Showing Gratitude

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..."

[accuracy]

Herpes

What the difference between true love and herpes?

- Herpes lasts forever

[accuracy]

Really Direct Insurance


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/verydirectinsre34.jpg

[accuracy]

Blonde Painter

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

[accuracy]

Ultimate Redneck Swimming


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ultimate_redneck_swimming.jpg

[accuracy]

Rollercoaster Stock Markets


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/money_controlled.jpg

[accuracy]

Funny Bumper Stickers

List of the Funniest Bumper Stickers In America

1. Constipated People Don't Give A shit.

2. That is so five minutes ago!!

3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?

5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.

7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.

9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.

10. To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.

11. If At First You Don't Succeed... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.

12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".

13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

14. Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.

15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.

16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.

17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me

18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home

19. I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha

20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time

22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult

23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name

25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

26. Illiterate? Write For Help

27. Honk If Anything Falls Off

28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes

29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit

30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person

31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To

33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?

34. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!

39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... [Seen Upside Down On A Jeep]

40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed For 70mph.

41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service - Gals: No Shirt, No Charge

42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?

43. Necrophilia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A Cold One.

44. Ax Me About Ebonics

45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel

46. Boldly Going Nowhere

47. Cat: The Other White Meat

48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde

49. Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That

50. Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.

51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window

52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?

53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.

54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch

55. Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!

56. My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.

57. GROW YOUR OWN DOPE --- PLANT A MAN.

58. All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

59. Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them

60. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

61. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

62. BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

63. So you're a feminist...Isn't that precious.

64. I need someone really bad...Are you really bad?

65. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

[accuracy]

Have You Ever Been E-Mooned?


We all know those cute little computer symbols called 'emoticons,' where:
means a smile and
is a frown.
Sometimes these are represented by


Well, how about some 'ARSE-ICONS?'

Here goes:

(_!_) a regular arse

(__!__) a fat arse

(!) a tight arse

(_*_) a sore arse

{_!_} a swishy arse

(_o_) an arse that's been around

(_x_) kiss my arse

(_X_) leave my arse alone

(_zzz_) a tired arse

(_E=mc2_) a smart arse

(_$_) Money coming out of his arse

(_?_) Dumb arse


You have just been e-mooned!


http://www.jokesy.com/images/emoon.jpg

[accuracy]

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/9868/cidd708c7e559684e208644qc1.jpg


http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/3919/cid3dbd0a6219a94928879fcw2.jpg

[accuracy]

Joke selection

WHY did Bono fall off the stage? He got too close to the Edge.



HOW does Posh Spice keep her husband under control? He’s at her Beckham call



A DAD read in the paper that in India it costs £10 to support a child for a year. So he sent his kids there.



SNOOTY HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: Do you have any reservations? HARRY: Plenty, but we’re here now and might as well stay.



WHAT do you call an adult balloon? A blown-up.



MY pal Sid was a victim of ID theft. Now he’s just called S



A MAN wakes up on a deserted island only to find that the sun, sand and sea are all purple. He cried: “Oh no, I’ve been marooned.”



MY wife asked me: “What’s on the TV tonight?” I told her: “Dust!”



MY wife has left me because I’m a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back .



NINETY-NINE per cent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.



I HAD a dog called Minton, who had an unfortunate habit of eating shuttlecocks. Bad Minton



I WENT to my GP last week and told him: “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied: “Take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, get me a plasma TV.”



A SEAL walks into a bar and the bartender asks: “What’s your pleasure?” The seal replies: “Anything but Canadian Club.”



A CHIP walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “Hey, could I get a beer please?” The barman looks at him, shakes his head and says: “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food in here.”



AN unemployed man at a JobCentre is asked: “Why haven’t you looked for a job in six months?”He says: “I have a problem with my eyes — I can’t see myself working.”



A JELLY baby goes into an STD clinic covered in liquorice and coconut. The doctor says: “Good God! Whatever have you been doing?" To which the jelly baby replies: “Allsorts!”



HOW do you turn a duck into a soul singer? Put it in the microwave till its Bill Withers



AMY Winehouse went to Glastonbury but had to wade through dirt, rubbish and people lying around everywhere.... just to leave her flat.



Two oranges walk into a bar. One says: “You’re round.”



A LORRY loaded with Vicks VapoRub has overturned on the M6. Police have said there will be no congestion for eight hours.



WHAT do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.



WHAT do Eskimos get from sitting on ice too long? Polaroids

[accuracy]

Confusion


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/54LmmufL.jpg

[accuracy]

Computer Nerd Bed


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/comfortable_nerd.jpg

[accuracy]

Finger Flash Drive


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/finger_flash_drive.jpg

[accuracy]

Kitty Spa


http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/10/cat-spa.jpg

Oh To Be A Cat
Don’t you sometimes wish you were a cat? Cats really know how to find all those feel-good spots. And the Hagin Catit Cat Spa knows where they are and how to reach them. After all, there’s nothing like a ‘feel good’ toy for a cat.

[tracker]

ive got a good one .

aliens are coming to save us this month :D

[accuracy]

The Real Saddam


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sa9283bratan3.jpg

[accuracy]

Viagra

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/newspaper_headlines.jpg

[accuracy]

Customs Dogs

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/customs_dogs.jpg

[accuracy]

Elephant

So the elephant says to the naked man . . .

"You breathe through that little thing?"



100 years old

This 60 year old woman was walking along 5th Avenue when she heard a voice from above

"You will live to be 100."

She looked around and didn't see anyone. Again she heard "You will live to be 100."

Boy, she thought to herself, that was the voice of God. I've got 40 more years to live!

So off she went to the plastic surgeon. She got everything fixed from head to toe.

When she left the plastic surgeon's office, she got hit by a bus,died, and went up to heaven.

She said to God "You told me I would live to be 100. I was supposed to have had 40 more years. So how come you let the bus kill me?".

God said: "I didn't recognize you".

[accuracy]

Authentic Chinese Food

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/189kittens3092847230.jpg

[accuracy]

Convertible

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/aftaW7xn.jpg

[accuracy]

Newly Designed Seat Belt

The National Roads Safety Council has done extensive testing on a newly designed seat belt.

Results Show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 45% when the belt is properly installed.

Correct installation is illustrated below.......


http://www.jokesy.com/images/newly-designed-or-developed-seat-belt-wife-mouth.gif

This is very Important, please pass onto friends and family .
THIS MAY SAVE A LIFE!

[accuracy]

The Blonde Cookbook ….

http://www.jokesy.com/images/blonde-cookbook.jpg

Monday: It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

Tuesday: Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.

Wednesday: A good day for rice.The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it improved the rice any.

Thursday: Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..

Friday: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.

Saturday: Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday. I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.

Sunday: Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.


GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose. : )

[accuracy]

And the winner for Father of the year is...


http://img241.imageshack.us/img241/413/cidf32c4ed1026a4ad9a941cb8.gif

[accuracy]

Look at all these lazy dogs, what a life.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/dog_being_lazy.jpg

[accuracy]

A little bit of showing off on the bike here.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/bike_kisses_lady.jpg

[accuracy]

The Ultimate Office


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ult3493boo.jpg

[accuracy]

Breast Stroke

A blonde woman competed with a brunette and redheaded woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, she remarked: "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms."

[accuracy]

How to save the airlines

Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell, they don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

[accuracy]

25 Ways to Annoy the Pizza Guy


1. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
2. Ask for extra homo-sapien
3. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
4. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
5. Ask them if you get a free date with one of the staff if you make an order over $30.
6. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
7. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
8. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
9. Order a one-inch pizza.
10. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
11. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
12. Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.
13. Change your accent every three seconds.
14. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
15. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
16. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
17. Imitate the order taker's voice.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
19. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
20. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
21. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
22. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
25. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

[astrochicken]

When an informed person, oops i mean a revisionist, oops i mean a denialist goes on about the holocaust.. i usually say "my grandfather died in Auschwitz"

There usually follows a hushed silence and mumbled apologies, then i say

"yeah... he fell pissed from the guard tower"

:)

[jayelowell]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ESaWBDq-jI

[jahzel]

Skype Prank to random person using the Hank Hill Soundboard:

http://www.filefactory.com/file/f0a6ee/n/First_Skype_Call_-_Hank_Calls_Carlos_wav

What do you think for a first time? :D

[accuracy]

Medical Alert - WORK


The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or all of the antidotes -Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) , Complete Health And Mind Purging Anti Guilt Negating Enzyme ( CHAMPAGNE ) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


http://www.jokesy.com/images/overworked.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ufail.jpg

[accuracy]

This little girl doesnt have any change to spare.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/girl_has_no_change.jpg

[accuracy]

Troubles at the airport


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Troubles_atthe_Airport.jpg

[accuracy]

Overboard

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her.

So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a an e-mail from the ship.

It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise?"

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!"

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=921

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=920

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=919

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=918

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=917

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=914

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=915

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=916

[anonymous01201]

http://www.davidicke.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=19&pictureid=928

[accuracy]

A great input anonymous01201 ;)

[accuracy]

Definitions from the Philosophy Profession


http://www.jokesy.com/images/philosophy-jokes.jpg


absolute spirit: a philosophical martini.

accident: a substantial spill.

analytic philosophy: a redundancy.

being: what everybody is doing.

being and time: nice work, if you can get it.

continental philosophy: an oxymoron.

dasein: marker on the road to intersubjectivity.

DGS: that faculty member of each department in charge of demoralizing graduate students.

dissertation completion schedule: the first lie on the c.v.

eminence: famous living academic whose work is relevant but sloppy.

formal logic: the art of turning speculation to certainty.

hack: a person to whom the following criteria apply: (1) wrote a paper accepted by the APA selection committee; (2) has a full-time job; (3) is published in the Journal of Philosophy; (4) is not an Eminence.

informal logic: neither.

interviewer: a worshipped and feared subset of hack; a hack with power.

irrelevant: an argument which addresses more than one sub-sub-field of philosophy, but is not written by an Eminence.

job candidate: all of the following must apply: (1) an individual so convinced of his/her superiority to the members of the search committee that their rejection is further proof of his/her philosophical integrity (and intimidating presence); (2) an individual so convinced of his/her superiority to all other candidates that their selection for an interview or job is further proof of his/her philosophical integrity, and their status as hacks; (3) an individual who proudly declares his/her distance from hack sell-outs, until offered a job.

platonic form: what you need to get the transcendental deduction.

polis: abandoned city north of the Republic.

praxis: how do you get to Polis? (praxis, praxis, praxis)

relevant: anything written by an Eminence.

sloppy: missing the subtle distinctions between sub-sub-fields which protect the arguments of hacks from the criticisms of an Eminence.

sound: (1) an argument showing what we should believe but won't; (2) indeterminately produced by falling trees.

specialty: the second lie on the c.v.

substance: an accident waiting to happen.

substance abuse: medieval philosophy.

sub-sub field: (1) invented by advanced graduate students so they can write an "original" dissertation; (2) the largest set of problems or issues one is permitted to master prior to becoming an Eminence; (3) the smallest permissible area of philosophy to which an APA paper session can be dedicated.

thing-in-itself: marked by a condition of extreme ontological shyness.

transcendental deduction: tax break for philosophers.

valid: an argument showing what we could believe but don't.

white male applicant: (1) the distinguished gentleman who, in the face of the fact that 80% of all jobs go to fellow w.m.a's, resolutely, politely, and with the proper amount of courtly embarrassment reveals that his job was stolen by a black feminist; (2) thinks that "avoiding PC" requires this announcement.

[accuracy]

All The Same

An airplane takes off from the airport. The Captain is Jewish and the
First Officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
it's obvious, by the silence, that they don't get along. After thirty
minutes, the Jewish Captain mutters: "I don't like Chinese." The First
Officer replies: "Oooooh, no like Chinese? Why dat?" "Your people bombed
Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." "Nooooo, noooo, Chinese
not bomb Peahl Hahbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." "Chinese, Japanese,
Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, you're all alike." Another thirty
minutes of silence. Finally, the First Officer says: "No like
Jew." "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" "Jews sink Titanic." "The
Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." "Iceberg, Goldberg,
Rosenberg, Spielberg; no mattah ... all da same."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pocket_protector_kittah.jpg

[accuracy]

What is God

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, "Is God male or female?" After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well, honey, God is both male and female." This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, "Is God black or white?" "Well, God is both black and white." This further confuses him so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?" At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless, "Honey, God is both gay and straight." At this Little Johnnys face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks, "Mom, is God Michael Jackson?"

[accuracy]

Light bulb design


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/light_bulb.jpg

[accuracy]

Access undies


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/undiespasswordplease.jpg

[accuracy]

Hunting


Three men were flying on a plane over the jungle when it crashed.

They were the only people who survived.

They decided that starting the next morning one of them would go out and make weapons and see if he could kill anything.

So the next morning the first man went out.

He didn't come back till about noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the deer back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill deer."

So the next morning the second guy set out.

He too came back at noon.

When they saw him they ran to him and helped him carry the buffalo he had killed back to the plane wreckage and asked him how he had killed it.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... I kill buffalo."

The next morning the third guy went out.

The other two were watching and watching for him.

When it was almost sundown and he still hadn't returned they started getting worried.

Then they saw a person stumbling towards them he looked awful, really bad cuts and a broken arm.

They went and helped him to the fire they had made and asked him what had happened.

He said "I find tracks... I follow tracks... and I got hit by a train."

[nofuture]

Access undies


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/undiespasswordplease.jpg

What if you find a virus once you're in?:eek:

[accuracy]

King Parking


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/501parkingelvis903860.jpg

[accuracy]

Samples

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man, "I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."

The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT?"

"What did he say? What's he want?"

His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear."

[astrochicken]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=FCUqlM65osc



http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=SO5WoLnOOlU

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/3XzpENxs.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/rw1qNTGi.jpg


Depression

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/beCKbMeq.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/dual_wielding_aks.jpg

[accuracy]

Like A Baby


A man and a woman had been dating for about a year, and their relationship was getting serious. The man proposed marriage, and she accepted. However, she told him that she wanted him to know that her chest was just like a baby's. He said that he loved her and that her measurements didn't matter to him. He told her that his penis was also like a baby's. She said that she loved him and that size didn't matter.

Come the day of their wedding, all went well. That night, the happy couple checked into the honeymoon suite at a resort hotel. The blushing bride was in the bathroom putting on a sexy nightie. Her husband was in bed waiting. As she entered the bedroom, she reminded him of her confession about her chest being like a baby.

"Don't worry, honey," he said.

She took her nightgown off, and her breasts were the smallest he had ever seen. He said that he was going to get undressed and reminded her of his confession about his penis being like a baby.

As he took his pants off, the new bride said, "Good God Almighty. I thought you said your penis was like a baby."

"It is," he said. "9 pounds and 21 inches long!"

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fire_alarm_for_rednecks.jpg

[mari]

THE PATH TO INNER PEACE


I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could have more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.

A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pece.

[accuracy]

Peeing In Church

A mother took her little boy to church.
While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'."

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The Father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

[accuracy]

Feeling Alone?


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/alone.jpg

[accuracy]

Shopping Cart Trailer

I guess thats one way to save on gas.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/shopping_cart_trailer.jpg

[accuracy]

Cyanide and Happiness - Fantasize


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fantasize.jpg

[accuracy]

Toilet Paper


A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."
She says, "What color?"
He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."

[accuracy]

Japan's Banks Now in Trouble

Following the problems with Lehmann Bros and Washington Mutual, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived. While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Presumably Origami bank suffered paper losses only.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/520crushed2349058.jpg

[accuracy]

Magic Mirror


There was a blond a brunette, and a red-head and they were walking down the street.
A short man came up to them and said: in that castle there is a magic mirror, if u look into the mirror and tell the truth you will be granted any wish you please, but if you lie you will be banished into the mirror forever
The girls went to the castle and the red-head went in first shhe said:
I think I am the prettiest out of the blond and the brunette, she got a pot of silver.
Next the brunette went in she said:
I think I am the smartest out of the red-head and the blond, she got a new car.
The blond went in to try her luck she walked up to the mirror and said:
I think...
She was vanished into the mirror forever.

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/vagina_clown_car.jpg

[accuracy]

Spikey Face Moron


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/stupid_spikey_face.jpg

[accuracy]

Skater Raped By His Board


He's going to have a sore ass for quite some time after that hilarious fall.


( See video clip

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/t37UM6Jb.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1224258939/Skater_Raped_By_His_Board

[accuracy]

Not Afraid Of The Flu


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/163chicken49857349.jpg

[accuracy]

Scared Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes,
he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so
scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with
the lady next door."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/how_to_tie_a_tie.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fish_crap_water.jpg

[accuracy]

taxi driver

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me!!

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'

[accuracy]

Hospital Charts

Actual writings on hospital charts:

1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband
states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for
over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third
day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also
appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me
in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentally
alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another
hospital.

11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably
insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past
three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for
lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of
her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car
for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and
accommodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus
sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he
took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt
we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has two teenage children, but no other
abnormalities.

[accuracy]

14 Things to Do When Your ISP Unexpectedly Goes Down

http://www.jokesy.com/images/what-to-do-if-your-internet-breaks-down.jpg

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get butt groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

13. See if your neighbour can tell you a joke.

14. Sleep (and dream about surfing the Internet)!

[accuracy]

Jealous?


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/the_jeleous_kiss.jpg

[accuracy]

Welcome to Russia


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/welcome_to_russia.jpg

[accuracy]

With A Little Help

[accuracy]

With A Little Help

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/311help30498239048.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/MtynGbMV.jpg

[janhus]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a157/njofra666/mekejn.jpg

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a157/njofra666/obama.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/color00310.gif

[accuracy]

Seeing Trees


As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.

The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."

The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener."

[accuracy]

Why did the chicken cross the road?


BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! All the chickens are ready for change! Even the road is ready for change.



JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in dialogue with the chickens on the other side of the road. The chicken has prepared his whole life to take on the job of crossing this road. Unfortunately he has waited until he is very old, and has selected an unqualified hen to take over for him in case he doesn't make it.



SARAH PALIN: I am not going to answer the question the way reporters might like to hear it -- but how I know Joe Sixpack and hockey moms want to hear it. What's important is that we don't look backward to where the chicken has been, but look forward. We need to view the chicken as a maverick who has a bold plan for crossing that road -- a road that I can see from my house, so this gives me real experience to answer this question.



JOE BIDEN: :The chicken crossed the road to get to the other side. I hope by giving the correct answer, this is not seen as a putdown of Sarah Palin's intelligence or that of her followers.



HILLARY CLINTON: As First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. But this really isn't about me: Although my experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross that road in their lifetime.



GEORGE W. BUSH: The chicken crossed the road for freedom. Every chicken must make a decision whether he is really with us or with the terrorists. There is no middle ground here.

COLIN POWELL: As I explained at the UN, the chicken was part of our intelligence to locate weapons of mass destruction on the other side of the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross a road with that chicken. (pause) What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: The chicken crossed the road on the internet, which I invented.



JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it!


DR. PHIL: This chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a special gift -- a new car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road to talk to it and ask the question.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his beady eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: The chicken crossed the road looking for illegal immigrants on the other side of the road, to make sure it was not stealing the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer' s Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.



JERRY FALWELL: The chicken crossed the road because it is gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. . I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side.That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens of the world crossing the road together, in peace!



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Darn - I missed one.



DICK CHENEY: I got it!

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/hemingway-cats.jpg

In this photo released by the Florida Keys News Bureau, a six-toed cat named 'Hairy Truman,' walks on a table Thursday, Sept. 25, 2008 in Ernest Hemingway's one-time study at the Ernest Hemingway Home and Museum in Key West, Fla. Hemingway Home officials announced that the United States Department of Agriculture had granted the museum an Animal Welfare License to permit legal exhibition of about 50 resident cats. The license culminates an almost five-year dispute between the USDA and the museum that might have resulted in the loss or caging of the famous felines, many that have six toes and descended from a cat given to Hemingway in 1935.
Photo/Florida Keys News Bureau, Rob O'Neal

[accuracy]

The World Shortest Books

-"My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
- The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
- Human Rights Advances in China
- "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
- Al Gore: The Wild Years
- Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
- America's Most Popular Lawyers
- Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
- Detroit - A Travel Guide
- Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
- Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
- Easy UNIX
- Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
- Everything Men Know About Women
- Everything Women Know About Men
- French Hospitality
- "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
- George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
- "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
- Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
- "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA
- Staple Your Way to Success
- The Amish Phone Directory
- The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

[jayelowell]

Do you all agree with me? when I say; it's just entertainment!
http://view.break.com/592648

[accuracy]

Boyfriend

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good.

The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door.

When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

[accuracy]

High worker


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/High_worker.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/flatulence_emergency.jpg

[accuracy]

Nom Nom Nom NOm Nom, and a second Name, its nom nom nom nom nom


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/my_bolognas_name.jpg

[accuracy]

Muscular Man

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream. So I picked up the frog and it said "Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pregnant_hockey_ref.jpg

[accuracy]

Arkansas Lottery Winner


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/arwonn2939lot.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/patient_bear.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/internet_brain_mri.jpg

A functional MRI brain scans show how searching the Internet dramatically engages brain neural networks (in red). The image on the left displays brain activity while reading a book; the image on the right displays activity while engaging in an Internet search.

Photo/UCLA

[blondina1]

5 CASES WHEN IT IS OK TO USE THE 'F' WORD


http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3df3001246-c0ab-4a0c-98ab-a3178d0a0a0d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTcuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage017.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0

http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d89ef20cf-5fb0-4fc0-8b0a-74339296913c.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTguanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage018.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0

http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d8fffb705-4717-4139-8e11-577e601f43c8.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTkuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage019.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0

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http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d872b44c4-ed98-4b29-9baa-54e09e54b135.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMjEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage021.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


IF THIS MADE YOU SMILE..THEN REPOST. IT WILL MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE TOO.

[blondina1]

Only in China
SWIMMING POOL
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d8f40df3c-7859-4a39-98dd-016b55f871db.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage011.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


Only in Hawaii
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3de57a9331-5b64-4fc5-be16-ac2049c1e94a.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTIuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage012.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


Only in India
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d7f1eb6f5-5376-4c99-be29-e1359a6e46a0.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTMuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage013.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


Only in Texas
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dd1966bbd-1b17-4b82-9b27-90079c5bfece.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTQuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage014.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


Only In Thailand
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3df77182cc-49c9-42e5-b560-dab0e271ad57.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTUuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage015.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0


And last, but not least
Only In America
http://co111w.col111.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.40.87/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d9d1e0320-fd4e-43f8-a098-737525779f6f.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3daW1hZ2UwMTYuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aimage016.jpg%254001C9 3896.15102800&oneredir=1&ip=10.12.148.8&d=d7128&mf=0

[biblegirl]

http://img84.imageshack.us/img84/373/calvinje7.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[accuracy]

Train Set


A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You b*****ds who want off, get the f**k off now, cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on, get the f**k on, cause we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the b**ch in the kitchen.'

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/no2939park23.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/rescue_cat.jpg

[jahzel]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tn-GBkEwBqc

[green]

God, I love this thread! :cool:

A guy goes to the doctors and says "Hey Doc, Everywhere i go, i keep on feeling like I'm Tom Jones! Is it a common thing?

Doctor says, "Well, It's not unusual".

:p

[shodan]

lol at Tom Jones.

Bloke goe's to the doctors and says doctor I keep feeling like I'm a teepee.
Doctor says, your just two tents.

[accuracy]

Back To School Condoms


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/back39scondoms.jpg

[accuracy]

Small Problem

This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

[accuracy]

Fatty Vs Treadmill


That's the perfect mix for a decent face plant.


http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/wuW15igL.jpg

Watch it!!!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1225192372/Fatty_Vs_Treadmill

[accuracy]

The Halloween Cow

Gross gross gross, Got Milk ?


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cow_costume.jpg

[accuracy]

Halloween Jokes

http://www.jokesy.com/images/jokes-about-halloween.jpg


Q. Who was the most famous French skeleton?
A. Napoleon bone-apart.

Q. Why did the Vampire read the Wall Street Journal?
A. He heard it had great circulation.

Q. Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A. For the Boos.

Q. What is a Mummie's favorite type of music?
A. Wrap!!!!!

Q. Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A. Because of the coffin.

Q: Why did't the skeleton cross the road?
A: He had no guts.

Q. What is a vampires least favorite food?
A. Steak

Q. Why did the headless horseman go into business?
A. He wanted to get ahead in life.

Q. What do you call a witch's garage?
A. A broom closet.

Q. Why was the mummy so tense?
A. Because he was all wound up.

Q. What did Dracula have for dessert?
A. Whine & Ice scream

Q. How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
A. With scare spray...

Q. What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A. Dead ends...

Q. What do birds give out on Halloween night?
A. Tweets...

[accuracy]

Modern-Age Carriage


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/107horse&car107.jpg

[accuracy]

Elephant Cure

Bob goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?" After a complete examination, the doctor tells him, "Well, the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing we can do for you unless you are willing to try an experimental treatment."

Bob asks sadly, "What is this treatment?" "Well," the doctor says, "what we should do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis."

Bob thinks about it silently and says, "Well, the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, let's go for it." A few weeks after the operation, Bob was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city.

In the middle of dinner, he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable. To release the pressure, Bob unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprang from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll and returned to his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first and then said with a sly smile, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

Bob replied,"Well I guess so, but I don't think I can fit another roll in my ass".

[accuracy]

Halloween Puke Pumpkin


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/halloween_pumpkins.jpg

[accuracy]

Chocolate corset

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/chocolate-corset.jpg


Designer Anita Jakobson displays a creation made from chocolate at the 14th Chocolate fair (Salon du Chocolat) in Paris.
Photo/Alix Guigon

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/shipment_of_fail_arrived.jpg

[accuracy]

IRISH ONE LINERS


Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.
It was a disaster!
Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

----------------------------------------------------

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'

Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!'

-----------------------------------------------------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'

Paddy replies 'I don’t know! Its your f***ing plane!!'

-----------------------------------------------------

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!'

He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.

'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spreadeagled & says 'You know what I want don’t you?'

'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Q. What’s a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!

3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!

4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner.
Everytime I think of you my nuts tighten up!

6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

---------------------------------------------------

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don’t think that’s her, she wasn’t that tall!'

-------------------------------------------------
Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbours dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'

Paddy replies 'I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!'

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'

She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

--------------------------------------------------

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!'

-------------------------------------------------

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'What’s his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

--------------------------------------------------

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past & stops.
He looks at the Irishman in the boat & shouts 'Its thick c**ts like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there & kick the f**k out of you if I could swim!'

[biblegirl]

Chocolate corset

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/chocolate-corset.jpg

um, wow. :D

[accuracy]

http://img142.imageshack.us/img142/9439/braincell2ev3.gif

The Lonely Brain Cell


Once upon a time there was
a female brain cell which,
by mistake, happened
to end up in a man's head.

She looked around nervously
because it was all empty
and quiet.

'Hello?'
she cried, but no answer.

'Is there anyone here?'
she cried a little louder,
but still no answer.

Now the female brain cell
started to feel alone and scared.
So she yelled at the top
of her voice,

'HELLO,
IS THERE ANYONE HERE?'

Then she heard a faint voice
from far, far away.


http://img99.imageshack.us/img99/9232/braincellkf6.gif

'We're down here ..'

[accuracy]

You Know Your'e Poor When...


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/yukno92782poorwhe.jpg

[accuracy]

Reverse Pillow Fight....


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/reverse_pillow_fighters.jpg

[accuracy]

Nervous Stomach Fans


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ner0393stomsd8.jpg

[accuracy]

Three Kinds


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[accuracy]

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/one-for-the-road-394.jpg

The salesman said, “Just think of it as a new kind of convertible where the wind can blow freely through your turban…”

[accuracy]

Mexican Baseball


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/mexican_baseball.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/72forecast430589.jpg

[accuracy]

Birds And Bees

Little Johnny's father asked him, "Do you know about the birds and the bees?" "I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh dad," Little Johnny sobbed, "At age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[accuracy]

Driving Test


The following are a sampling of real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too drunk to find your keys.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be an idiot all day long.

[accuracy]

American Idol Jokes


Top Ten Signs You Won't Win "American Idol"
(From the Late Show with David Letterman)


10. You dedicate "I Will Always Love You" to Saddam Hussein

9. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

8. North Korea says if you lose they'll stop producing enriched uranium

7. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben"

6. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards

5. You've already appeared on another reality show -- "Cops"

4. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets

3. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch "Jag"

2. Simon beats you with the microphone stand

1. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask



http://www.jokesy.com/images/american-idol-jokes.jpg

[accuracy]

Underwear Made From Aluminum Cans

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/underwear-from-tin-cans.jpg

Ingrid Goldbloom Bloch sees beauty in recyclables: she creates some truly awesome bustiers, garters, and underpants from recycled soda cans and hardware!

When she said “trashy lingerie” who’d knew that it’s truly made from trash … oops, that’s recyclables to all you enviro-nuts!

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/trashy-lingerie-752.jpg

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/trashy-lingerie-753.jpg

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/trashy-lingerie-754.jpg

.....continued.........

[accuracy]

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/trashy-lingerie-755.jpg

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/trashy-lingerie-756.jpg

[disorder2k8]

those are pretty cool, bet they are itchy and cold tho :)

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: The bravest dog in the world]


http://img527.imageshack.us/img527/1928/braveqg9.jpg

[accuracy]

Never Rent Cars In China


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/184chinatrafic093284.jpg

[accuracy]

Love For 365 Days


TO MY DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.

I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of wyh I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean.
17 times it was too late.
49 times you were too tired.
20 times it was too hot.
15 times you pretended to be asleep.
22 times you had a headache.
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.
16 times you said you were too sore.
12 times it was the wrong time of month.
19 times you had to get up early.
9 times you said you weren't in the mood.
7 times you were sunburned.
6 times you were watching the late show.
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo.
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us.
9 times you said your mother would hear us.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there.
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling.
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with.
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished.
1 time I was afriad I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you come home drunk and tried to screw the cat.
36 times you didn't come home at all.
21 times you didn't cum.
33 times you came too soon.
19 times you went soft before you got in.
38 times you worked too late.
10 times you got cramps in your toes.
29 times you had to get up early to play golf.
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls.
4 times you git it stuck in your zipper.
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running.
2 times you had a splinter in your finger.
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV.

Of the times we did get together:

The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.

I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"

The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe

[accuracy]

Club Championship


An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing
in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She
takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses,
they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,

"I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."

The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was
much harder!".

[hagbard_celine]

Just to warn you: The following Barack Obama joke is a tad un-PC:eek::o

A new trainee gardener at the White House has been caught trying to break into the Oval Office. Apparently he misunderstood when his boss told him to fetch the spade:eek::D.

(A black friend of mine sent me this joke, in case anyone is offended.:cool:)

[accuracy]

When Will I Die?

Osama Bin-Laden started believing in astrology and went to a special astrologist to ask him when will be the day he dies.
"You will die on an American holiday", said the astrologist.
"How can you be so sure of that?" asked Bin-Laden.
"Well, any day you die will be an American holiday".

[accuracy]

Baggage reclaim


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/ucAMX2pG.jpg

[accuracy]

Anti KFC


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/p4msBeJt.jpg

[accuracy]

I Love HotDogs!


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/pB5SZNgL.jpg

[accuracy]

Credit crunch crisis hits Brit's hard.....


http://img411.imageshack.us/img411/9513/creditcrunchrq5.jpg

[accuracy]

Scotch With Two Drops of Water


A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today.'


http://www.jokesy.com/images/scotch-with-two-drops-of-water.JPG

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[accuracy]

Sorry for the herp


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/sorry_herpes_cake.jpg

[accuracy]

Look Closely at the Butterfly Wings.................

What would you say to your daughter if she came home with a tattoo like this one ?


http://img151.imageshack.us/img151/4121/tattocs6.jpg

[accuracy]

The Global Facts for SEX!

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment in time:

79 million people are engaged in intercourse;

58 million are kissing.

37 million are getting or giving oral sex.

1 lonely bugger is reading emails...

- You hang in there sunshine!

[accuracy]

Little Johnnie


Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


http://www.jokesy.com/images/little-johnnie-baby-no-ears.JPG

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

[accuracy]

Christmas Tatoo

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

[accuracy]

To Men from God...box.

.. The box, not the girl


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/to_men_from_god.jpg

[jason_bourne]

http://i36.tinypic.com/108ilwn.jpg

[accuracy]

The redundancy look

Anz bank about to cut 3000 jobs just before Xmas

http://img206.imageshack.us/img206/5751/redundancyzm1.jpg

[accuracy]

Quintuple Bladed Herb Scissors

http://www.impactlab.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/herb-scissors-4321.jpg

These sharp, quintuple bladed herb scissors make for fine, easy dicing, and would also make a superlative prop for a horror movie about an insane mohel who wants to forcibly convert the goyim and, what the heck, maybe he’s also a spooky ghost.

[accuracy]

Matches Funeral


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/match_funeral.jpg

[accuracy]

http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random112/random-20.jpg

[accuracy]

http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random112/random-35.jpg

[jason_bourne]

http://i35.tinypic.com/x4xmq.gif

[accuracy]

http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random112/random-20.jpg

(Re-post here, using Image shack)

http://img504.imageshack.us/img504/5476/random2017c238dko3.jpg

[accuracy]

http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random112/random-35.jpg


(Re post here, using Image shack)


http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random112/random-35.jpg

[accuracy]

It wasn't working before...;)

[accuracy]

Bow and Arrow Gay Test


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/bow_arrow_gay_test.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/best-butts.jpg

Brazil's Melanie Nunes Fronckowiak (R) and France's Saiba Bombote (L) pose after they won the female and male final of the "most beautiful bottom in the world" competition in Paris November 12, 2008. Some 45 finalists from 26 different countries took part in the competition to win a modeling contract and 15,000 euros prize money.
Photo/Vincent Kessler

[disorder2k8]

http://i197.photobucket.com/albums/aa63/Disorder2k7/cliche.jpg

[tracker]

im a care worker and i lost 3 fkn retards today whilst i was in town .
i found 1 in the post office
the other in BHS









































and where the fk was you ?

[accuracy]

Subject: beats number-plates.....


http://img521.imageshack.us/img521/7249/bumperstickerid1.jpg

[accuracy]

Drive My Shoe


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/141red-shoe93802394.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/stop_saying_words_lion.jpg

[accuracy]

Texas Car (cow) Wash


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/texas_car_wash.jpg

[accuracy]

Facts of Life

Things to Know:


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains..
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

[accuracy]

Feminine Gangster


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/gandi38ster.jpg

[accuracy]

True talent- Beer

This lady has been sent to earth from heaven. Obviously


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/true_talent.jpg

[accuracy]

Getting Rich With The Web


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/132chang132.jpg

[accuracy]

Alcohol warning, warning

Ill have to drink to forget.



http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/alcohol_warning.jpg

[accuracy]

Car is on fire.


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/cars_on_fire.jpg

[accuracy]

Deleted.

See next post................

[accuracy]

Don't invite this guy to your party....


http://s438.photobucket.com/albums/qq103/Accuracy_01/th_Dontinvitethisguyforfreebeers.jpg

http://s438.photobucket.com/albums/qq103/Accuracy_01/?action=view&current=Dontinvitethisguyforfreebeers.flv

[accuracy]

Romantic Short Poems


THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION
ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME
WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE,
AND THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

1. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

2. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

3. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

4. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was on the piss.

5. I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother.

6. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

7. I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

8. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

9. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

10. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

11. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.

WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[accuracy]

Colouring Toilet Paper.


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[anahata]

After sailing the high seas for many years a pirate decided to retire. Since he had suffered injuries on the job, he thought that he should collect on his worker's compensation insurance. He had a wooden leg, a hook where his right hand should be and a patch over his right eye. This was enough for him to be eligible. The insurance agent assured him that he would be compensated if the injuries were work related. "How did you get the wooden leg?" asked the agent. In a booming voice the pirate replied, ooo arrr "Me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swung 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me leg." The agent replied, "That is certainly work related. How did you lose your hand?" "Well matey, me and me mates were on the high seas when the boom swung 'round and knocked me into the sea where a shark bit off me hand," said the pirate. "That's also work related. Now how did you lose your eye?" asked the agent. The pirate replied, "Well this is a different story, I was lying on the deck one day catching some sun when this seagull flew by and dropped his duty right in me eye!" "What does that have to do with the loss of your eye?" The agent retorted. "It were the first day with me hook!"

[accuracy]

School Speed Limit


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[accuracy]

I'm sorry.


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/9TSsa9m2.jpg

[accuracy]

Fartzilla

Not all of us are as talented as this guy


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/fartzilla_ability.jpg

[accuracy]

Quiz For People Who Know Everything

This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers.

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters ' dw' and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter ‘S.'


Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backward . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside .. Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with’s’.
Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

[accuracy]

Why Men Wear Earrings



A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. The guy knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, so he is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." So, he walks up to him and says,



"I didn't know you were into earrings."



"Don't make such a big deal about it," he replies sheepishly. "It's only an earring."

His co-worker falls silent for a few minutes, buthis curiosity prods him to ask,



"So, how long have you been into wearing an earring?"



"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started.)

[accuracy]

Alligator watchers


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