A humour thread

[accuracy]

I'm rarely this sincere, nor do I normally

send these mushy things, but this one is a must

share with all my friends.......................................


Heaven has sent

you an Angel.


http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/6535/cid001501c8c1e643c9b2f0nt8.jpg

Heaven didn't want her, so they sent her to me.

I don't want her so, I'm sending her especially to you!

The rules are simple: You can send her away, but you can't send her BACK!!!

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://news.securityorg.net/UserFiles/Image/Fun/funny_signs_6.jpg

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.betweentalk.com/attachments/jokes/185d1196292037-funny-signs-funny_tops.jpg

[accuracy]

Cruel prank

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Cruel_Prank.jpg

[accuracy]

Geek positions

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Geek_positions.jpg

[cheeney1]

:D:D:Dhttp://www.geheimgemein.de/gallery/sheep_and_wolf.jpg

[accuracy]

Unusual urinals

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Unusual_Urinals.jpg

[accuracy]

Perfect waitress

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Waitress.jpg

[accuracy]

Worst punishment


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Worst_Punishment.jpg

[accuracy]

A Drunk Drunken!!!!

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/aPQhyUrYnd8/default.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPQhyUrYnd8

[cheeney1]

http://image.linkinn.com/userfiles/Image/1978nn0.jpgNow When We Invade America This How They Drive On the Other side of the world...:D

[lightgiver]

Worst punishment


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Worst_Punishment.jpg

Hurry up with mi ironing or i will shoot you,
and they say there is no bullying in the army;):D:D:D

[lookfar]

Brilliant thread accuracy, I always enjoy popping into this one for some light relief:D

[accuracy]

Brilliant thread accuracy, I always enjoy popping into this one for some light relief:D

Thanks for the compliment lookfar

accuracy :D

[accuracy]

Mothers prettiest

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Mothers_Prettiest.jpg

[accuracy]

Huge moth measuring 26cm

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Huge_Moth_measuring_26.jpg

[accuracy]

Locked bicycle

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Locked_Bicycle.jpg

[accuracy]

Haircuts -- The Difference Between Men and Women


Women's version:
---------------------------

Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute!

Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she was gave me the
mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?

Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like
that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this
stuff I think.

Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could
easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I
was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent
my long neck.

Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything
to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line.

Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your
shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms -
see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to
fit me so much easier.



Men's version:
----------------------

Man2: Haircut?
Man1: Yeah.

[accuracy]

Understanding Technicians


Check it out:D

http://humour.200ok.com.au/understanding-technicians.html

[accuracy]

Dog to Give Away

I need a favor!!

My neighbor has a puppy he's giving away (FREE!).
It's a Dachshund, it's house broken, and it's great with kids.

He's giving it away because his wife says the dog 'stares' at her when she is undressing, and that gives her the 'Heebie Jeebies'. I think she is just weird !

If you're interested, or know someone who is, let me know.

Here's a picture of the dog.




http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/human-dog.jpg

[accuracy]

Why Old People Rock!

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/lighting-a-cigarette-off-a-100-candle-funny-old-la.jpg

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/old-man-with-hand-on-young-lady.jpg

[accuracy]

When People in the Background Ruin Your Photo

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/fat-guy-in-the-background-ruins-the-pic.jpg

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/wedding-photo-ruined-by-woman-in-the-background-ex.JPG

[accuracy]

Can I Ask a Favour?

Can I ask a favour?

(Hope it's not too much to ask!)

A group of friends are spending their holidays doing a 'Fun Run' across the country. They are travelling light and are looking for places along the way where they can crash for a few days.

I thought maybe you could help out by welcoming them and making them feel at home.

I took the liberty of giving them your phone number and address. They left three days ago and you can probably expect them to arrive sometime in the next 3 weeks.

To help you recognize them (I don't want you to be taking in complete strangers), I attach a photo of them. You won't need to worry about them doing a load of washing while they stay.

If you can think of anyone else who could help out it would be great.

Thanks

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/naked-fun-run-letter.jpg

[shansuke]

the labour party have today changed ther emblem from a rose to a condom as it more accurately reflects ther political stance.a condom allows for inflation,halts production,destroyes the next generation,protects a bunch of pricks,and gives you a sense of security while you are actually being fucked.

[juttkeys]

A man died and went to heaven.

As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

[lightgiver]

mothers prettiest:eek:
i am still having night mares over that one:eek:
talk about subtle imprints;)
that one is a warning to anybody who may misbehave in this life,
KARMA and the like,
i still don't know whether i should laugh or cry:confused::D
But there is one thing for sure,
it as left a marked imprint on my sub concious:eek::D
Cheers accuracy
keep em coming:D

[accuracy]

mothers prettiest:eek:
i am still having night mares over that one:eek:
talk about subtle imprints;)
that one is a warning to anybody who may misbehave in this life,
KARMA and the like,
i still don't know whether i should laugh or cry:confused::D
But there is one thing for sure,
it as left a marked imprint on my sub concious:eek::D
Cheers accuracy
keep em coming:D

Scarrrrrrry pic alright, lightgiver, i just love your comment! :D:o

[accuracy]

The Future of Nursery Rhymes

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
The structure of the wall was incorrect
So he won a grand with Claims Direct.


It's Raining, It's Pouring.
Oh shit, it's Global Warming.


Mary had a little lamb
her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her
between two chunks of bread.


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man
'What have u got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon
Pies you dickhead.


Mary had a little lamb
it ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up its arse
and turned its wool to nylon.


Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play
he kissed them too cause he was gay.


Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
And planned to do some kissing.
Jack made a pass
and grabbed her ass
Now two of his teeth are missing.


Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white and wispy.
Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
And now it's black and crispy.

[accuracy]

Dinner At Strip Club

Clark works hard at the plant, puts in a lot of overtime, and then spends most evenings bowling, playing basketball or working out at the gym. His wife, Jessica, thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so, for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Clark, how ya doing?"

Jessica is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Clark. "He works out at the gym with me."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Clark if he'd like his usual Budweiser.

Jessica is now becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser."

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Clark. "Hi Clarky," she says, "want your usual table dance?"

Jessica, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Clark follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before Jessica can slam the door, Clark jumps in beside her. Right away she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Clark."

[accuracy]

Sore backside!



http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/tLZhdYVx.jpg

[accuracy]

Poor Donkey

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/nkGwCgnC.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/VmkTspnJ.jpg

[accuracy]

Greedy Seagull

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/rNMR95Gq.jpg

[lightgiver]

Poor Donkey

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/nkGwCgnC.jpg

it just gets better:D
G bush or could be any one of the cronies running the world:rolleyes:
In a future life:eek:
their is one thing for sure they ain't going to heaven;):D
Unless they do a hell of a lot of REPENTING;):D

[accuracy]

Jokes About Movies

The Devil tells a Hollywood Agent, "Look, I can make you richer, more famous, and more successful than any agent alive. In fact, I can make you the greatest agent that ever lived."
"Well," says the agent, "what do I have to do in return?"
The Devil smiles, "Well, of course you have to give me your soul," he says, "but you also have to give me the souls of your children, the souls of your children's children and, as a matter of fact, you have to give me the souls of all your descendants throughout eternity."
"Wait a minute," the agent says cautiously, "What's the catch?"


Morty goes to the monitor and sees scenes of heaven where people are quietly floating on clouds and playing harps in serene bliss. Morty turns to Sid and says "Well that's nice. Pretty boring but nice. What's Hell like?"
Sid tells him to look at the other monitor. Morty does and sees scenes of young people having sex and dancing and smoking and drinking and laughing and singing and generally having a great time.
"This is great!" says Morty. "I think I'll try Hell." Sid directs him to the elevator and instructs him to push the down arrow. Morty does so and waits for the elevator to take him to hell.
When the car stops at hell the doors spring open. Morty looks around from the elevator doorway and is shocked at what he sees. Everywhere are people burning in agony, screaming in pain, drowning and suffering. There are laughing demons with pitchforks piercing their skin. Its horrible, disgusting. Morty presses the up button and goes right back to Sid."
"What is this!? Hell is nothing like you showed me on the monitor! It was awful down there!"
Sid says, "You mean that monitor?"
"Yes," says Morty.
"Oh, well, that was just the pilot."


A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Don't you find it unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual. He hated the book!"


A producer is lying by the pool at the Beverly Hilton. His partner arrives in a great state of excitement. "How'd the meeting go?" asks the first guy.
"It went great," says his buddy. "Tarentino will write and direct for six million, Mel Gibson will star for eight, and we can bring in the whole picture for under fifty million."
"Fabulous," says the guy by the pool.
"There's just one catch," his partner warns.
"What's the catch?"
"We have to put up ten thousand in cash," his partner replies.


A man finds his seat in the theater, but it's too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.
The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

[accuracy]

Wanna kiss


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Wanna_kiss.jpg

[accuracy]

With the bike to work

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Take_the_Bike_to_Work.jpg

[accuracy]

Marathon

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Marathon.jpg

[accuracy]

Jesus is alive and well

See the proof!

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Jesus_is_Alive_and_Well.jpg

[accuracy]

School Speed Limit

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/shcoo39speed.jpg

[accuracy]

Retirement Notice

Due to the current financial situation, management has decided to implement a scheme to put all workers over 30 on early retirement. The scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged Person Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help AFTer retirement). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW scheme ( Scheme for Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED only once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can apply to get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants or Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel and Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not bee SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by management.

Persons staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Management as always pride itself for the amount of SHIT it gives to its staff. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT please bring it to the attention of your manager. He has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

[accuracy]

Subject: Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfahe
had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we
were making love on Sunday morning.'

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

Oh no, my dear,' replied granny. 'Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the
church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice
and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply, in on the Ding
and out on the Dong.'

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, 'He'd still be alive
if the ice cream truck hadn't come along.

[accuracy]

http://img398.imageshack.us/img398/2861/att0000222eh5.jpg

[accuracy]

SMS Jokes

Here we have a collection of short jokes perfect for text messaging. Enjoy!

http://www.jokesy.com/images/mobile-phone-jokes.jpg

I'M AN ALIEN. I HAVE JUST TRANSFORMED MYSELF INTO THIS TEXT. AS YOU ARE READING I'M HAVING SEX WITH YOUR EYEBALLS. I KNOW THAT YOU LIKE IT BECAUSE YOU ARE SMILING

We will now upgrade your brain, please wait....Searching....searchin g...still searching....sorry, NO BRAIN found...!

Gorgeous, intelligent, kind, sweet, charming, witty, hilarious, friendly...well enough about ME! How are you?

Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry
370HSSV 0773H

How do u occupy an idiot? Press down - Press up...Press Down...!

I want u 2 know that our friendship means a lot 2 me. U cry, I cry. U laugh.. I laugh. U jump out of d window.. I look down n then.. I laugh again.. hahaha

FRIEND SEARCH: Friend detector activated...calibration complete, now searching.....still searching....still searching......sorry, no friends found.

The Word 'Hello' means H=How R U? E=Everything all right? L=Like 2 hear 4rm U. L=Love 2 C U soon. O=Obviously, I miss you!

Do you believe in love at first sight...or do I have to walk by again?

Im not under d affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep.Im not half as thunk as u drink.I fool so feelish and da drunker i stand here da longer i get

Pls remind me 2 remind u about remindin me to send u dis reminder oh dat reminds me can u remind me wot the reminder was ive forgot!

[accuracy]

Works Like A Charm

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/171liquid92348.jpg

[accuracy]

Sending Nude Pictures

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"

[accuracy]

Hurdle Face Plant

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/p8A8Dk9V.jpg

[accuracy]

Out For The Count

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/heHVAgL0.jpg

[accuracy]

Keeping The Pipes Clean

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/564master9085908.jpg

[accuracy]

Magic Caves

Two Indians and a Cajun were walking in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. He hollered into the cave, "Wooooo! Wooooo!Woooooo!" and then listened until he heard the answer......."Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He then proceeded to tear his clothes off and run into the cave.
The Cajun was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the Indian crazy or something? "No," said the other Indian. "It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", and get an answer back it means that she is in there waiting to mate with you."

Just about then, this Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Woooo! Wooooo!" When he heard the return "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!", off came his clothes and into the cave he went.

Well, the Cajun started thinking about all of this and decided to find a cave for himself so off he went running around the desert searching. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw a great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Mon Amie! Look at zee size of dat cave. Maybe, it's beegerr den de ones dat dose Indi-ons found. Der mus be sometin' really great in dis here cave hole!"

Well, he took off up the hill at a super fast speed with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" as loud as he could. He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of "WOOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOOO!"

Off came his clothes and, with a huge smile on his face, he raced into the cave.....

The next day in the newspaper, the headline read.......

"NAKED COONASS RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN!"

[cheeney1]

http://www.myexpance.com/Images/Funny_Pic/thumbs/Funny_Pics_Set_4.jpg

[cheeney1]

:rolleyes::)http://www.marketinghipster.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/07/iphone-funny.gif

[accuracy]

Brave Captain

Once upon a time, there was an officer of the Royal Navy named Captain Bravado who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship approaching, and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravado bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the mighty pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on deck recounting the triumph of earlier. One of them asked the Captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?"

The Captain replied, "If I were to be wounded in the attack, the shirt would not show my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The crew stared in worshipful silence at the Captain and waited for his usual orders.

Captain Bravado gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants."

[cheeney1]

:)http://earthfirst.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/omg-gasprices.jpg

[cheeney1]

:p:p:phttp://www.sanqld.com/pic-sanqld-funny112.jpg

[accuracy]

Beware!!!!!!!

K-mart is selling lounge chairs made in China,
and the plastic is very very cheap and thin.
Purchase at your own risk. scroll on down.....
****

****

****

****

****


http://img261.imageshack.us/img261/7329/cid007a01c8c9c9bc413a60vp2.jpg

Those cheap K-Mart chairs.Don't buy them.

[cheeney1]

;)http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2007/12/funny-pictures-dont-look-behind-cat.jpg

[accuracy]

Today is
International Disturbed People's Day


Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/397/cid001401c8c9c896d51bd0cr6.gif

I don't care if you lick windows,
take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself..
You hang in there sunshine, you're friggin' special.


Every sixty seconds you spend angry, upset or mad, is a full minute of happiness you'll never get back.

http://img208.imageshack.us/img208/4162/cid001501c8c9c896d51bd0xc5.gif

Today's Message of the Day is:
Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we're here we should dance.

[cheeney1]

:):):Dhttp://www.graphicsarcade.com/comments/funny/funny_comment_graphic_06.gif

[accuracy]

Elephant attack

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/When_its_OK_to_Wet_you.jpg

[accuracy]

Special soccer field

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Special_soccer_fiield.jpg

[accuracy]

Sandcastle

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Sandcastle_(_One_of_a_.jpg

[accuracy]

Cute merchant

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Cute_marchant.jpg

[accuracy]

Dedicated Student

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/465student0585907.jpg

[accuracy]

1..2..3!

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

[accuracy]

Children in Church

A little boy was overheard praying:

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One particular four-year-old prayed:

"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

[accuracy]

Petrol fact.

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/6219/cid20704168007041414002yl1.jpg

[accuracy]

3 Minds Going To Explode

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/406confusing058604.jpg

[accuracy]

The Miracle

The policeman signals to an car driver to pull over to the side of the road, due to the fact that he appears to be driving erratically. He says to the driver, "You appear to have been drinking!"

The driver answers, "No sir, I am just tired."

The policeman looks into the car and notices that the driver is a priest! He also notices that there is an empty bottle on the floor. He says to the driver, "What is, or should I say was in this bottle?

The driver answers, "Water!"

The policeman says, "It is not, it's wine!"

The driver looks up to the heavens and says, "Oh Lord, you have done it again!"

[accuracy]

Poor Santa

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/199sante92387.jpg

[accuracy]

20 Years

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed.
She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said.'Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail'?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know I would have gotten out today."

[accuracy]

Health Jokes

http://www.jokesy.com/images/health-jokes-my-doctor-told-me-to-avoid-any-unnece.JPG

Two carrots were walking down the road one day when all of a sudden a car drove by and hit one of them. The other carrot took the injured carrot to the hospital.
After examining him the doctor came into the waiting room and said, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is your friend will live. The bad news is he'll be a vegetable the rest of his life."


A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...''Try doing it with the engine running."


A man had just arrived home after the successful implantation of a pacemaker.
Reading through the literature, he was delighted to learn that the instrument carried a lifetime guarantee.

"Yeah, Doc, what's the news?" asked Sam when his doctor called with his test results. "I have some bad news and some really bad news," said the doctor. "The bad news is that you only have 24 hours to live." "Oh my God," gasped Fred as he dropped to his knees. "What could be worse news than that?" "I couldn't get hold of you yesterday."


There was a terrible accident at a building site, and a construction worker rushed over to where a well-dressed woman was pinned beneath an iron girder. "Hang in there, lady," he said, "the ambulance will be here soon. Are you badly hurt?" "How should I know?" she snapped, "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."


The Board of BIDMC, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired Paul Levy to be the new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the institution of all slackers and bring real fiscal discipline.
On a tour of the facilities, Paul notices a guy leaning on a wall near the staff lounge. The room is full of doctors, nurses and aides and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"
Paul, towering over the guy, then hands him $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, a slightly taller Paul looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
With a sheepish grin, one of the radiologists, mouth full of pepperoni, mutters, "He is the pizza delivery guy from Dominos...."

[accuracy]

New Natural Model

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/521cokeadd985897.jpg

[accuracy]

Never Been With A Woman

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out
a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns
to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the
room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get.":D

[accuracy]

Nude Driving

man is driving along the motorway with his wife in the passenger seat. During the drive, the wife gets an idea. She starts taking off her clothing piece by piece and tossing them out the window.

The guy is shocked but aroused. She gets her shoes, socks, etc. and chucks them out. Finally, she whips her underwear off and throws it all out onto the motorway. The guy is laughing and leering at her. He looses control of the car in the process and crashes into a barrier at the side.

Unfortunately, the air-bag doesn't go off on his side, and he finds himself wedged in under the steering wheel. "Help, go get help......aggghhhh, I'm stuck", he shouts.

"But I have no clothes on. What'll I do ?", she screams.

"Here", he says wiggling his foot, "Take my shoe and put it over your crotch. It'll have to do, love. Quick, hurry!"

She takes the shoe off his foot and places it over her crotch and gets out of the car, limping and shouting for help. After a few hundred yards of yelling and running a trucker notices this naked hysterical woman holding a shoe over her crotch, and pulls over.

"What's seems to be the trouble?", he asks.

"Help me", she screams, "My husband is stuck".

"If he's stuck up that far I'm afraid I can't help you."

[accuracy]

How Do You Feel?

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth and I think I just shit my pants."

[accuracy]

Words of Wisdom

This is the road to enlightenment, revised...


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact just fuck off and leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbour’s milk, that’s the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

16. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

24. When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry and get smacked on our arse. From there on, life just gets worse.

[accuracy]

The Perfect Shot

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/KBmg68ps.jpg

[accuracy]

The
Bitch Fairy Strikes Again



http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/5732/cid019801c8d10ce141d5a0wy0.jpg

The
Bitch Fairy Strikes Again

[accuracy]

Little Guy

There was a little dude and he walked into an elevator. standing next to him was a huge dude. The huge dude turned and said to the little dude .. " before you ask me any quesitons im just gonna tell you the answers to what people usaully ask me .. im 7'2" 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testical 15" penis and my name is Turner Brown." then little dude looks at the big dude in horror and the big dude says " whats the matter? all i did was tell you that im 7'2" 375 lbs 2lbs left testicle 2lbs right testical 15" penis and my name is turner brown." and the little dude says " oh! thank god! i thought you said turn around!"

[accuracy]

On The Balcony

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[accuracy]

FW: W.O.R.K. Alert

From centre of disease control:










The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever -
DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -
- Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and
- Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

[cheeney1]

http://www.flyingsnail.com/images/homeland.jpg

[accuracy]

Three Drunk Women

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first gal claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second gal replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment. Then the first gal says: "Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my dog."

[accuracy]

Fruit art

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/fruit_art.jpg

[accuracy]

3m duct tape

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/3M_Duct_Tape.jpg

[accuracy]

Blonde teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

Watching the kids play she notices a boy in the field stood by himself while all the other kids are running around having fun with a ball.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

"Are you ok?" she says

"Yes" he replied.

"You do know that you can go and play with the other kids", she says.

"Its best I stay here" he said.

"But why?" says the blonde.

The boys says "Because I'm the f#cking goalie"

[accuracy]

Telecom backup devices

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Telecom_backup_devices.jpg

[accuracy]

Work Break

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/104work-brake32140298.jpg

[accuracy]

Dead Husbands

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms, too, and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[accuracy]

Alphabet Fun


The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson.

"I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A"

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said "apple".

"Very good", said the teacher, "now B".

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said "ball".

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says: "R...Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!"

[accuracy]

Extreme parking.

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Extreme_parking..jpg

[accuracy]

Equilibium exercise

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/equilibium_exercise.jpg

[accuracy]

Have you seen the Muslim picture version of the Adam & Eve story ?


http://img70.imageshack.us/img70/3301/cid00bb01c8d6611c23d020xf4.jpg

[accuracy]

A middle age Aboriginal picks up a hooker at Kings Cross

>
> 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he
> asks.
>
> '$100,' she replies.
>
> He says, 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> 'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style.'
>
> 'No,' she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style
> is.
>
> 'I pay you $300'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> 'I pay you $400.'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it
> Aboriginal style.'
>
> She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over
> 10 years. I've had every
> kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
> How bad could
> Aboriginal Style be?''
>
> So she agrees and has sex with him.
>
> They do it in every conceivable way and in every possible
> position. Finally,
> after several hours, they finish.
>
> Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I
> was expecting something
> perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what
> exactly is 'Aboriginal
> style'?'
>
The Aboriginal replies, 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment.'

[coshh]

A middle age Aboriginal picks up a hooker at Kings Cross

>
> 'How much do you charge for da hour, sister?' he
> asks.
>
> '$100,' she replies.
>
> He says, 'Do you do Aboriginal style?'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> 'I pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style.'
>
> 'No,' she says, not knowing what Aboriginal style
> is.
>
> 'I pay you $300'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> 'I pay you $400.'
>
> 'No,' she says.
>
> So finally he says, 'OK, I pay you $1,000 to do it
> Aboriginal style.'
>
> She thinks, 'Well, I've been in the game for over
> 10 years. I've had every
> kind of request from weirdos from every part of the world.
> How bad could
> Aboriginal Style be?''
>
> So she agrees and has sex with him.
>
> They do it in every conceivable way and in every possible
> position. Finally,
> after several hours, they finish.
>
> Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'Hey, I
> was expecting something
> perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So what
> exactly is 'Aboriginal
> style'?'
>
The Aboriginal replies, 'You send da bill to da Gub'ment.'

My dad was right about australians then...

[accuracy]

Not The Best School

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/390fly3059840689.jpg

[accuracy]

A Redneck's Kindness

An Irishman in a wheelchair rolls into a bar and asks the waitress for a cup of coffee. He then looks over at the bar and asks the waitress, "Is that Jesus?" The waitress says that it is, so the Irishman says, "Give him a cup of coffee... I'll pay."

A few minutes later, an Englishman with a humped back walks in and asks the waitress for a cup of tea. He then asks the waitress, "Hey... is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nods and so the Englishman says, "Give 'im a cup of tea... on me."

A few minutes later, a Redneck walks in on a pair of crutches. He says, "Hey, sweet thang... how's 'bout an ice-cold coke. Holy smokes... is that Jesus?" The waitress says, "Sure is." So, the Redneck says, "Give the ol' boy a coke... put it on my tab."

Later, Jesus gets up to leave, walks over to the Irishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman gets up out of his wheelchair and dances a jig out of the door.

Jesus walks over to the Englishman, touches him and says, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman stretches out his back and does backflips out the door.

Jesus walks over to the Redneck. Then, the Redneck gets up, backs away, and says, "Stay away from me... I'm drawin' disability!"

[accuracy]

R.I.P. George Carlin


One of America's most popular and often controversial comedians George Carlin, died at the age of 71.


http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/y1XhXcjf.jpg

You tube video - 10 mins:D:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTyzTJTNhNk

[accuracy]

Orange Aid

The doctor walked into the waiting room where a man had been waiting for several minutes. He said, "Hi. What seems to be the problem?"

The man replied, "I'm not sure, doc. There's something terribly wrong with my penis! Is turned bright orange!"

The doctor looked surprised and said, "Orange?? I've never heard of anything like that, and I've practiced medicine for 30 years! Let's have a look at it."

The man dropped his pants and showed the doctor his penis. Sure enough, it was bright orange, and the doctor gasped.

"Oh, my God!" he exclaimed. "I've never seen anything like this before! When did you first notice this?"

The man said, "About an hour ago."

The doctor said, "Can you think of anything you have done that could have caused this? What were you doing right before you noticed this?"

The man said, "Well, nothing, really. Just watching porno flicks and eating Cheetos."

[accuracy]

Dentist Jokes

http://www.jokesy.com/images/dentist-jokes.jpg

A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novacaine because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------


Actual Names of Practicing Dentists
Dr.Pullman, Dr.Filler, Dr.Fear, Dr.Rensch (pronounced wrench), Dr.Pick, Dr.Tusk, Dr. Drewel (pronounced "drool"),
Dr.Tucek (2thChk), Dr.Chu, Dr.Shugar, Dr.Pic, Dr.Pang, Dr.Butcher, Dr.Harm, Dr.Hurter, Dr.Toothaker, Dr.Lynch,
Dr.Root, Dr.Nasti, Dr.Paine/Payne/Pain (15 entries but notably Dr.Daryl B Payne = "There Will Be Pain"),
Dr.Smiley, Dr.Schotz, Dr.Hale (pronounced "hell" in southern), Dr.Bliss, Dr.Lancit, Dr.Gager, Dr. Eke

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------


A friend of mine went to the dentist recently. He commented that it must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth. He said, "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------


Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.
Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game.

----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

Patient: Doctor, I am very nervous. You know, this is my first extraction.
Young dentist: Don’t worry, it's my first extraction too.
Dentist: There goes the only woman I ever loved.
Assistant: Why don't you marry her?
Dentist: I can't afford to. She's my best patient.
Dentist: Just let me finish and you will be another man after these cosmetic procedures.
Patient: Okay doc, but don't forget to send your bill to the other man.
----------------------------- ----------------------------- ----------------------

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/carlin-in-heaven.gif

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Never assume a man understands

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, as crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'



The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked ?'

[accuracy]

Every picture tells a story.


sweet
http://img184.imageshack.us/img184/1357/washisyz1.jpg

Golf for Beginners

http://img339.imageshack.us/img339/6418/golfhu0.jpg

Irish Paramedics

http://img105.imageshack.us/img105/7522/paramedicshf8.jpg

A JOLLY GOOD RECOVERY

http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/8779/anorexiavv6.jpg

[accuracy]

Looking Young

A woman was in the kitchen cooking dinner and she was just singing,
humming and giggling all over herself. Her husband asked her why she was
so happy. She said, "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the
breasts of a twenty year old."

The husband then asked, "What did he say about your fifty year old ass?"

"Your name didn't come up in our conversation." She replied.

[alrick888]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h67k9eEw9AY

[accuracy]

Old Wedding

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I’d have to say I would like it infrequently.

"The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two words?"

[accuracy]

Beer counter

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/beer_counter.jpg

[accuracy]

The Shortest Books

The Shortest Books Ever Written

* 1000 Years of German Humor
* Everything men know about women
* The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
* Italian War Heroes
* Who's who in Puerto Rico
* Americans' Guide to Etiquette
* Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
* Safe Places to Travel in the USA
* Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
* Contraception by Pope John Paul II
* Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
* Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
* Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook

[accuracy]

Pissing Alley

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/3pissing3.jpg

[accuracy]

Fat Britain

http://www.b3ta.com/images/challenge/fat_britain_small.gif

People of Britain! You're getting fat! Our nation is in the grip of an obesity epidemic. How will our celebrities adjust to their growing girth? What will life be like when we're all massively overweight?

From the site: http://www.b3ta.com/

http://www.b3tards.com/u/4c5827d3076d86ba4ba9/phatbritten.jpg

We're going to need a bigger boat

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/37839/1215026798/NOFILENAMEFORYOU.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/d4229703f4be2cb7d764/fatkitchener.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.heady.co.uk/b3ta/life_on_mars_small.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/85d97b35c6112f55b621/fatbrit.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/d81a83cf6d5a93144ba7/lardarses.jpg

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/15798/1190715856/landwhaler.jpg

[accuracy]

...cont.....

Our esteemed ex-leader showing us the lardy way with hog/chips on a stick

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/67627/1215033070/hotdogonastick.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/984665edce3c4ec65c91/elderly_fat.jpg

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/63868/1215050469/thrxs.jpg

[accuracy]

....cont....

It's all relative

http://www.b3tards.com/u/984665edce3c4ec65c91/gb_sun.jpg

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/51377/1215043823/wiifat.jpg

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/43205/1209426813/fat.jpg

[accuracy]

...cont....

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/40640/1215040782/Weightwatchers.jpg

Heavy Tourists

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/55730/1215040356/fble.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/63e645c3826fa9bc7564/fatcar.gif

London 2012: Britain's Best.

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/23581/1215036329/fatjumplong1.jpg

[accuracy]

....cont....

http://www.b3tards.com/u/fa2a3ab468c53bb760c2/ok_280.jpg

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/67612/1215078835/fatcut.jpg

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/fatcunt.gif

[accuracy]

....cont....

http://www.haku.co.uk/b3ta/BloodCellTypes.gif

UK tourism & consequences

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/26304/1215083026/obeseswim.jpg

At least our cricket team would do a bit better

http://www.b3tards.com/u/d4229703f4be2cb7d764/fatbatsman.gif

[accuracy]

...cont...

Everything a young boy needs

http://www.b3tards.com/u/b7385d51d3a878f20ba8/hamper.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/dac2aaffd70402dd5256/comparisonofdiets.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/15fa5bbfc7346f21c0c5/pielattes2.jpg

Latest commuter transport for getting about London

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/57442/1215099881/ski.jpg

[accuracy]

....cont....

It'll make me rich!!!

http://www.b3tards.com/u/bb6b3f02e912122a41c5/tokeswonderdietposter.jpg

http://www.b3tards.com/u/47210bb8cf31584c6795/morgue.jpg

Think of the bridges!

http://www.b3tards.com/u/5fa4211348fc3a72d31d/bridges.jpg

[accuracy]

....cont....

A Future British Lift...

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/55730/1215119530/lift.jpg

He's not FAT!! He's just got big bones...

http://www.zen164995.zen.co.uk/b3ta/big-bones.gif

I'm not too keen on the new anti-obesity campaign

http://www.b3tards.com/u/d4229703f4be2cb7d764/orange.gif

Stay away from Japan, Ms Feltz.

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/67213/1215166873/thumb.free.jpg

[accuracy]

....cont....

Britains worst anorexic.........

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/53883/1215161365/PRESCOTTPIES.JPG

it's British superman!
Too much craptonite

http://www.totalleh.com/beta216.gif

not looking forward...
...to those waif-like supermodels of the future... :(

http://www.angrypixel.co.uk/b3ta/teighlor.jpg

fatcher.....

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/31791/1215176336/untitled.JPG

.........................................end of slideshow....................

[accuracy]

Cheating Boyfriend

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed, “Honey, don’t do it...”

The blonde yelled back, “Shut up! You’re next!”

[accuracy]

Mississippi

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at
first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of
the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come
once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee
twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this
country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm
just tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[accuracy]

Undercover Bin Laden

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ben293underco3.jpg

[accuracy]

School Answering Machine Message

http://www.jokesy.com/images/school-answering-machine-message.jpg

This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his or her work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5
If you want us to raise your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8
To complain about bus transportation - Press 9
To complain about school lunches - Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/what-is-worse-ignoranc.jpg

[accuracy]

One Spoiled Elephant

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/304elephant23490578234905.jpg

[accuracy]

Viagra Side Effects

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?"
He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No, thanks. It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. "Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? That'll only take a couple of minutes."

Once more, he declines. "Again, thanks, but it's this Viagra. It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well, then", she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm STARVING!"

[accuracy]

69er

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/1LX2FttB.jpg

[accuracy]

New Sport
http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/tAKYrW7g.jpg

[accuracy]

Drunk Referee

It's believed that football referees have one of the toughest jobs in sport. But nobody expects them to turn to drink to relieve the stress, especially not during a match. Yet that's what apparently happened at a premier league tie between FC Naftan and FC Vitebsk in Belarus.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/GCQGK0r4.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1215696969/Drunk_Referee

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/pic10599.gif

[accuracy]

New Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[accuracy]

http://allhatnocattle.net/acupuncture_beijing.jpg

Ow. Wei Shengchu, 58, a supporter of traditional Chinese medicine, poses for photos with his head covered with acupuncture needles depicting 205 national flags and an Olympic torch, in front of Beijing Railway Station July 7, 2008. Wei wanted to express his well wishes for the upcoming Beijing Olympic Games as well as to promote traditional Chinese medicine, local media reported.
Photo/Henry Lee

[accuracy]

Leasing Versus Purchasing

Ahh so that’s where we all go wrong!!!
The maths on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which would NOT have happened!) it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.
This is Heather.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/heather-mills-paul-mccartney-divorce.JPG

On the other hand, former New York Governor Elliot Spitzer's call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!
This is Kristen.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/elliot-spitzers-call-girl-kristen.JPG

Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees.

Sometimes renting makes far more sense.

[accuracy]

Suicide

Strange yet amusing commercial for Heineken.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/2CC162AK.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1215790838/Suicide

[blue]

what is heaven
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
a bucket full of beer and lots of women.

what is hell
.
.
.
.
.
.
when you come to know that the bucket has holes and not the women.:p

[rixxmixxhell]

New Rooster

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."




lol i liked that one :D:D:D

[talkingchimp]

two snowmen in a field......one says to the other 'can you smell carrots?'

[accuracy]

A Town Without Women

In a Poor town in the middle of nowhere and no women, A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "How can you live in this town without any women?".

The bartender replies, "It's not that bad, sir, when we get lonely we go out back where there is a barrel with a knothole in it. It never sounds appeasing at first, but after one try you're hooked."
So after a few beers, the guy starts getting a little lonely and tells the bartender he's gonna go find the barrel.

At that, he walks up to the barrel and sticks it in the knothole.
After about 5 minutes he ventures back to the bar and tells the bartender, "Man, that's the greatest stuff I've ever had!! What do I owe ya?".

To which the bartender replies, "Nothing, but it's your turn to get in the barrel".

[accuracy]

Insured By Mafia

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/50mafia74567.jpg

[accuracy]

Strong Pill

Doc, you've gotta help me... my wife just isn't interested in sex anymore.
Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?"
"Look, I can't prescribe..."
"Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset?
I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly
to Hell! You've got to help me."
The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills.
"Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental, the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE,
understand? JUST one."
"I don't know, doc; she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?"
"Um... okay."

Our hero expresses gratitude, and departs for home, where his wife has
dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. Our hero, in fumbling haste, pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say
they were powerful. Then an inspiration strikes: he drops one pill into
his own coffee.
His wife returns with the shortcake, and they enjoy their dessert and coffee, our hero with poorly concealed anticipation. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange smoky look enters her eyes. In a deep, throaty, near-whisper, in a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I... need...a man..."
His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me... too.."

[accuracy]

Cheap Lock

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/che938lockds3.jpg

[accuracy]

Can't Speak

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/Evolutionofrobbery.jpg



A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby
to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him
as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears'
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ..... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

[accuracy]

Rubber Thingy

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat. As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip."

The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today."

[accuracy]

Sunday Class

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty !" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, "Who is our Lord and Savior?", but Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary.

The teacher said, "Very good!" and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

[accuracy]

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.




They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together.




They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.



She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/the-sensitive-guy-teddy-bear-prizes.jpg

There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!




It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.




There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.




She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears.




She is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.



They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after awhile, she finds herself thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future father of my children?'




She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.




They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.




She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.




After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'




The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:





'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'.

[accuracy]

Well, Your'e Welcome...

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/531ashtray98340958.jpg

[accuracy]

Bowling Tournament

Two bowling teams, one all blondes, one all bruneettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.
The brunette team rides on the bottom level of the bus, the blonde team rides on the top level.
The brunette team, down below, is wooping it up and having a great time until one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs, and she decides to investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds the blonde team staring straight ahead at the road, frozen in fear, clutching the seats in frount of them with white knuckles.
"Whats goimg on up here?" asks the brunette. "We're having a great time downstairs!"
"Yeah," screams a terrified blonde, "but you've got a driver!"

[accuracy]

Rodney Dangerfield Lives

Some one-liners from the master.

- - -

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.



It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!



Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.



A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.



I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.



If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.



I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."



I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head comes off.



I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.



My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.



I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.



The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, "Why?" He said, "Because you came home early."



My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.



I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.



My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.



My wife likes to talk on the phone during sex; she called me from Chicago last night.



My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't've had anything to play with.

[accuracy]

Why Men Are Never Depressed

Men Are Just Happier People

http://www.jokesy.com/images/why-men-are-happier.JPG

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/eYgGeQxU.jpg

[accuracy]

Kid transport

Great dad...

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Great_dad_1.jpg

[accuracy]

Shopping In Australia

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/128aussieshopping128.jpg

[accuracy]

50 Cents

After many months of trying to make ends meet, a couple decided that the only way they were going to get any extra cash was to have the old lady start hooking.

Early the next morning the wife came home looking very haggard and worn out. The husband guiltily asked how she did, to which the wife replied that she earned two hundred dollars and 50 cents.

“That’s great!“ the husband replies. “But who gave you the 50 cents?”

“Everybody!” replied the wife.

[lizzy]

Thanks accuracy, had a chuckle ot two.........
---------------------------
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPs_XxiKLcY

[accuracy]

Deleted Scene From The Dark Knight


There's a slight communication problem.:D


http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/hEA29g2D.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1217219869/Deleted_Scene_From_The_Dark_Knight

[accuracy]

Beware of new brakes


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/beware_of_new_brakes.jpg

[accuracy]

Which Woman Best Represents Your AFL Footy Team?

ADELAIDE CROWS: JULIA ROBERTS
Big in the 1990s but done nothing lately?


BRISBANE LIONS: Pamela Anderson
Best and only asset is upfront

CARLTON BLUES: NAOMI CAMPBELL
Struts around like a winner but behaves like a loser

COLLINGWOOD MAGPIES: BELINDA NEAL
Arrogant b***h who thinks the world revolves around her

ESSENDON BOMBERS: SHARON STONE
Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force

FREMANTLE DOCKERS: CASEY DONOVAN
Seemed like a good idea at the time, now no-one is buying her she*t

GEELONG CATS: NATALIE BASSINGTHWAITE
A star after years as a bit player

HAWTHORN HAWKS: JESSICA ALBA
Hot Hot Hot

MELBOURNE DEMONS: LINDSAY LOHAN
A miracle she is still alive

NORTH MELBOURNE KANGAROOS: KIM (FROM KATH & KIM)
Deluded and incapable of living without the intensive support of others.
Would fit right in on the Gold Coast.

PORT ADELAIDE POWER: BRITNEY SPEARS
Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can’t even remember to wear her underwear in public and is a failure on the home front.

RICHMOND TIGERS: JANE FONDA
A legend in the 60s/70s but you wouldn’t touch her in 2008

ST KILDA SAINTS: RICKI LEE COULTER
Promises a lot but never delivers

SYDNEY SWANS: CATE BLANCHETT
Used to be boring but has become interesting again

WEST COAST EAGLES: AMY WINEHOUSE
Enough said

WESTERN BULLDOGS: LINDSAY DAVENPORT
Unflashy, no nonsense gritty competitor

[accuracy]

Woman Vs Digital Camera

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/P3eP3rRe.jpg

[accuracy]

Cookie Monster

What happened when the Cookie Monster first used the internet.......

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/cookie-monster-computer-internet-delete-cookies.jpg

[accuracy]

Crack in airline window....unbelievable!!!!!


This is scary for anyone who travels frequently by plane!!!!
Actual crack in a US Airways DC-9 window frame! Fliers beware of the sub standard maintenance on the airplanes that you fly on. This is an actual crack that was found in the window frame on a DC-9. I'll definitely think twice before flying USAir.




http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/crack-in-airline-window-moon-.jpg

[accuracy]

Pole Warning


http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/hVZgzHWL.jpg

[accuracy]

The Ass Family

http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/ass-family-wise-ass-smart-ass-lazy-ass-kiss-ass-du.jpg

[accuracy]

New Style of Toilet Paper

A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life


http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/toilet-paper-grating-grates.jpg

[w1nstonsm1th84]

New Style of Toilet Paper

A Wish for All of the Difficult People in Your Life


http://www.funnypictures.net.au/images/toilet-paper-grating-grates.jpg


Hahaha... that's a good one. Some funny pics up there- sport! :p

[demeter_maru]

I like The ONion, sorry if these are repeats.....

EARTH—Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world




"I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen," said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. "They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn't they heed me before it was too late?"

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity's hubristic folly.

"There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race," Gore said. "I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home."

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate's retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore's campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

In the final moments before the Earth's destruction, Gore expressed hope that his son would one day grow up to carry on his mission by fighting for truth, justice, and the American way elsewhere in the universe, using his Earth-given superpowers to become a champion of the downtrodden and a reducer of carbon emissions across the galaxy.

"Perhaps he will succeed where I have failed," Gore said.

Despite the child's humble beginnings, experts predict the intergalactic journey may have some extraordinary effects on Kal-Al's physique, eyesight, and, potentially, his powers of quiet, sensible persuasion.

"On his new planet, Kal-Al's Earth physiology will react to the radiation of a differently colored sun, causing him to develop abilities far beyond those of mortal men," political analyst Sig Schuster said. "He will be faster than a speeding Prius, stronger than the existing Superfund program, and able to leap mountains of red tape in a single bound. These superpowers will sustain him in his never-ending battle against conservatives, wealthy industrialists, and other environmental supervillains."

Although Gore and his wife voiced regrets that they could not accompany their son on his journey, they tried their best to equip Kal-Al for life on his new planet, providing the infant with a Keynote slide-show presentation of all human knowledge, a self-growing crystal fortress from which to monitor glacier shrinkage, and a copy of Al Gore's 1992 bestseller, Earth In The Balance.

The baby was also wrapped in a blanket emblazoned with the Gore family crest, which, because it is made of Earth materials, will be invulnerable on the new planet. It is hoped that one day it will be fashioned into a colorful costume for the boy to wear while fighting wrongdoers.

"In brightly hued tights, it will be harder for people there to ignore him when he takes on his new planet's lobbyists, auto manufacturers, and enemies of justice," Schuster said. "A bold and eye-catching unitard will give Kal-Al, last son of Earth, a formidable tool for protecting his new planet, a power more awesome than any his father could have dreamed of: the power of charisma."
************************************************** ********


NEW YORK—Wikipedia, the online, reader-edited encyclopedia, honored the 750th anniversary of American independence on July 25 with a special featured section on its main page Tuesday.

Enlarge Image
Three girls march toward the White House on Elm St. in Washington, DC, as part of the Inderpendance Day Parade.
"It would have been a major oversight to ignore this portentous anniversary," said Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, whose site now boasts over 4,300,000 articles in multiple languages, over one-quarter of which are in English, including 11,000 concerning popular toys of the 1980s alone. "At 750 years, the U.S. is by far the world's oldest surviving democracy, and is certainly deserving of our recognition," Wales said. "According to our database, that's 212 years older than the Eiffel Tower, 347 years older than the earliest-known woolly-mammoth fossil, and a full 493 years older than the microwave oven."

"In fact," added Wales, "at three-quarters of a millennium, the USA has been around almost as long as technology."

The commemorative page is one of the most detailed on the site, rivaling entries for Firefly and the Treaty Of Algeron for sheer length. Subheadings include "Origins Of Colonial Discontent," "Some Famous Guys In Wigs And Three-Cornered Hats," and "Christmastime In Gettysburg." It also features detailed maps of the original colonies—including Narnia, the central ice deserts, and Westeros—as well as profiles of famous American historical figures such as Benjamin Franklin, Special Agent Jack Bauer, and Samuel Adams who is also a defensive tackle for the Cincinnati Bengals.

"On July 25, 1256, delegates gathered at Comerica Park to sign the Declaration Of Independence, which rejected the rule of the British over its 15 coastal North American colonies," reads an excerpt from the entry. "Little did such founding fathers as George Washington, George Jefferson, and ***ERIC IS A FAG*** know that their small, querulous republic would later become the most powerful and prosperous nation in history, the Unified States Of America."


"All our lives, we are taught about the achievements of Washington, Jefferson, and FAG, but we seldom consider the factors and conditions that led them to risk everything for a republican cause," Wales said. "What was it really like to be a patriot in those times? How did the colonists' perception of democracy conform and contrast with our modern one? Did Betsy Ross, as legend has it, really have the biggest boobies in the New World? It's these types of questions I want Wikipedia to be a forum for, all at the click of a mouse."

The exhaustive entry also includes links to video clips of the First Thanksgiving, hosted by YouTube.

The special anniversary tribute refutes many myths about the period and American history. According to the entry, the American Revolution was in fact instigated by Chuck Norris, who incinerated the Stamp Act by looking at it, then roundhouse-kicked the entire British army into the Atlantic Ocean. A group of Massachusetts Minutemaids then unleashed the zombie-generating T-Virus on London, crippling the British economy and severely limiting its naval capabilities.

The entry also addresses several traditionally taboo subjects, such as the influence of LSD on the drafting of the Constitution and the role of funk-slaves in painting the White House black.

While other news and information websites chose to mark the anniversary in a muted fashion, if at all, Wikipedia gave it prominent emphasis over other important historical events from the same day, including the independence of the nation of Africa in 1847, the 1984 ascension of Constantine to Emperor of the Holy Roman Emperor, and the 1998 birth of Smokey, a calico cat belonging to Mark and Becky Rousch of Erie, PA.

Founder Wales, a closeted homosexual and hot-dog freak, according to his user-edited bio on the site, also hosted a symposium of amateur historians at the New School in New York on Saturday.

"The Revolution's main adversaries were the patriots and the people from Braveheart," said speaker Tim Capodice, who has edited hundreds of Wikipedia entries on subjects as diverse as Euclidian geometry and Ratfucking. "The patriots, being a rag-tag group of misfits, almost lost on several occasions. But after a string of military antics and a convoluted scheme involving chicken feathers and an inflatable woman, the British were eventually defeated despite a last-minute surge, by a score of 89-87."

Despite spirited discussions bloggers present later described as "eluminating" and "sweet," the symposium was cut short when differences of opinion among the panelists degenerated into personal insults and name-calling.

While Wikipedia's "American Inderpendance" page remains available to all site visitors, administrators have suspended additions and further edits to its content due to vandalism.
************************************************** *****:D:D:D:D:D:D

[accuracy]

Spoiled Mother


A mother, father and young son are visiting the circus. The elephants walk out into the circus ring and the little boy says to his mother, "What's that?"
"That's the elephant's tail," she replies.

"No, under the tail," says the youngster.

The mother is clearly embarrassed and says, "Oh, nothing."

The boy turns to his father and repeats the same question. His father looks and says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

"So, why did mum say it was nothing?" asks the boy.

The father draws himself up to his full height and says, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

[accuracy]

Dealing With Speed Cams

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/Yg91jrTt.jpg

[accuracy]

Funny Number Plate

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/S3C81hDX.jpg

[accuracy]

No urinating

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/ir6js1np.jpg

[accuracy]

Password Protected

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/fAkyTeaJ.jpg

[accuracy]

Then There's Nothing To Worry About


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/381alchoholic9304806.jpg

[accuracy]

Third Child

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.
They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he'd put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moment's hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

[accuracy]

Designated Driver

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/desise455er.jpg

[accuracy]

Signs

Remember when advertising your business, a sense of humour will get you noticed!


**************************
Sign over a Gynaecologist’s Office:
'Dr. Jones, at your cervix.'
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
'Time wounds all heels.'
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
At a Proctologist's door:
'To expedite your visit please back in.'
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
'We repair what your husband fixed.'
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
'Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber..'
**************************
On a Church's Billboard:
'7 days without God makes one weak.'
**************************
At a Tyre Shop:
'Invite us to your next blowout.'
**************************
At a Towing company:
'We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.'
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
'Let us remove your shorts.'
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
'If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.'
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
'Push. Push. Push.'
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
'If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.'
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
'We really know our stuff.'
**************************
On a Fence:
'Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!'
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
'The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.'
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
'No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.'
**************************
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
'Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!'
**************************
At the Electric Company
'We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be.'

http://www.jokesy.com/images/no-tresspassing-tresspassers-will-be-shot-survivor.jpg

**************************
In a Restaurant window:
'Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.'
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
'Drive carefully. We'll wait.'
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
Chicago Radiator Shop:
'Best place in town to take a leak.'
**************************

[accuracy]

When Tim Escaped Nut-House

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/Cycle.jpg

[accuracy]

New AOL Messages

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

[accuracy]

Put To Sleep

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the veterinarian's. One of the dogs was looking glum, and the second dog turned to him and asked, ''What are you in for''?

''I'm in big trouble,'' he said. ''My owner has a really nice sports car with leather seats—he took me for a ride and I was so excited I peed on the seat, and now he's having put to sleep.''

''I know how you feel,'' said the second dog. ''My owner has a beautiful expensive oriental rug.The other day they were late getting home from work and I just couldn't help myself...I shit all over their nice carpet and ruined it.They're having me put to sleep too.''

Both dogs turned to the third dog in the waiting room. ''So what are you in here for?'' they asked.

''Well,'' the third dog said, ''my owner likes to do her housework in the nude.The other day, she was vacumming and she knelt down to vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and had the ride of my life.''

The other dogs nodded in sympathy, ''So she's having you put to sleep, too, Huh?''

''No,'' said the other dog, ''I'm having my nails clipped.''

[alrick888]

A happily married couple having their first baby, were invited to make use of a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pains to the Baby's biological father wherever he may be. Both were happy to try it. The pain transfer was set to 10 percent but the husband felt nothing. So the doctor increased it to 20 percent. The father said he still felt fine and his blood pressure was normal. He invited the doctor to kick it up to 50 percent.. Still there was no reaction. The doctor was amazed and slowly transferred all the pain until the Wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband and the doctor were ecstatic. When they got home, the gardener was lying almost dead at the gate.

[accuracy]

Beer Van

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/beer9474van.jpg

[accuracy]

Problem With Moths

This guy is having an affair with a married woman and her husband comes home early from work one day. She jumps up and tells the man to go into the bathroom to hide. Just as he gets in the bathroom and she hides his clothes under the bed, the husband opens the door and comes in.

He asks, ''What the hell are you doing?''

Thinking quickly, the wife says, ''Uhm...waiting for you.''

The suspicious husband looks at her in disbelief and says, ''But you're naked.''

Again the woman says, ''Yeah... I was waiting for you.''

The husband relaxes and says, ''Hold on, I'm going to jump in the shower. I'll be back in a flash!''

The wife tries to stop him but he just ignores her and rushes for the bathroom. When he opens the bathroom door, there is a naked man jumping around and clapping.

The husband asks,'' What in the hell are you doing?''

He replied, ''I'm the exterminator, and your wife called saying you guys had a problem with moths.''

The husband looks him over and says,''But you're naked.''

The man looks down, jumps in surprise and mutters, ''Them little bastards.''

[accuracy]

Before It Starts

A man comes home from work, sits in his lazyboy in front of the TV and rudely tells his wife, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She gives him his beer.

About 15 minutes later, he says again, 'Gimme a beer before it starts.'

She does.

A few minutes later, he asks again for a beer.

The wife says, 'Don't you think you're drinking too much beer? It hasn't been half an hour that you got here and you've already had two beers. I'm getting fed up with this.'

The husband looks up and mumbles, 'Now it starts.'

[accuracy]

Comfy Stool

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/ZsxfMEVi.jpg

[accuracy]

Blowjob Olympics

This is the latest sport added to the list of Olympic games.
:D

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/iju1kGLR.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1217999557/Blowjob_Olympics

[accuracy]

Having A Puppy

A little boy and his dad were walking down the street whan they saw two dogs having sex. The little boy asks his father: "Daddy, what are they doing?" The father says: "They are Making a puppy". So they walk on and go home.

A few days later, the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says: "Daddy, what are you doing?" The father replies: "Making a baby". The little boy says: "Well, flip her around! I'd rather have a puppy instead!"

[accuracy]

Coke line


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Little_line.jpg

[accuracy]

Bumper stickers


http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Bumper_Stickers.jpg

[serpentoffire]

http://www.effedieffe.com/images/stories/vignetta_ossezia.jpg

[accuracy]

Hmm, I've always wondered this myself. Now I know.


- The Silent generation, people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers, people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, people born between 1980 and 1995 .


Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!




Scroll down a bit.....





http://img296.imageshack.us/img296/981/generationygb9.jpg

Now, make someone else laugh. And have a great day.

[accuracy]

The Pope

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb


http://www.jokesy.com/images/pope-as-a-chauffeur.jpg

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver

'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 125 mph.

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and twenty five.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'

'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.

The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' Governor?'

Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?'







...................keep going........................ ..










Cop: 'He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!'

[accuracy]

Going To Iraq

A soldier ran up to a nun, out of breath, he asked, "Please may I hide under your skirt? I'll explain later". The nun agreed.

A moment later two military police ran up and asked, "Sister have you seen a soldier?"
The nun replied, “He went that way. "

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under the skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq. "

The nun said she understood completely.

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs."

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls.... I don't want to go to Iraq either"

[accuracy]

A Second Opinion

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at
breakfast.

As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his
wife,

"You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned
home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered
the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"Getting a second opinion."

[accuracy]

Halloween Flashers

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/66pumpkin349857.jpg

[accuracy]

Inconsistency

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[lookfar]

At the Welfare Office

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive
around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward
to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex
drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
Located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the
Salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well.. You started it!"

[accuracy]

Bird Viagra

A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

[lookfar]

Bath Night

A couple take on an 18 year old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

'Mondays the best night, when my husband goes out to darts', she said,
so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman
filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said, 'Next week I'll leave a gap in the
curtains so that you can see for yourself'.

The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife
asked, 'Do you shave?'

'No', replied the girl. 'I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?'

'Oh yes', said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy muff.

When the husband got back in she asked, 'Did you see it?'

'Yes', he said. 'But why the hell did you have to show her yours?'

'Why not?' she said. 'You've seen it all before.'

'I know', he said, 'but the fckking darts team hadn't'!

[accuracy]

arthritis

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

[accuracy]

Discipline


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sontessight546.jpg

[accuracy]

Rules Are Rules


Typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[accuracy]

Playing Doctor

Two married men are in a pub discussing their love life when one says, "Have you ever tried playing doctor?"

His mate says, "No what's it like?"

The man replies, "It's amazing me and my wife were playing for the whole of last night must of been about 10 hours."

His mate, shocked says, "10 hours!? How the hell did you manage that long?"

"I just left her in waiting room for 9 and a half hours."

[accuracy]

Tips on Filling your Vehicles...


For a change there's no joke today, instead here are some tips for saving a little money during these times of high oil prices.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/petrol-tips.jpg

This is a Message received from a friend:
My line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some tricks to get more of your money's worth for every litre.
Here at the Marian Hill Pipeline, where I work in Durban, we deliver about 4 million litres in a 24-hour period thru the pipeline.
One day is diesel; the next day is jet fuel, and petrol, LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of 16,800,000 litres...

ONLY BUY OR FILL UP YOUR CAR OR BIKKIE IN THE EARLY MORNING WHEN THE GROUND TEMPERATURE IS STILL COLD. Remember that all service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder the ground, the denser the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands, so buying in the afternoon or in the evening.... your litre is not exactly a litre.
In the petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol, diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products play an important role. A 1degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But the service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.

WHEN YOU'RE FILLING UP, DO NOT SQUEEZE THE TRIGGER OF THE NOZZLE TO A FAST MODE.
If you look, you will see that the trigger has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode, you should be pumping on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created, while you are pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on the fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so you're getting less worth for your money.

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT TIPS IS TO FILL UP WHEN YOUR TANK IS HALF FULL.
The reason for this is, the more fuel you have in your tank, the less air occupying its empty space. Petrol evaporates faster than you can imagine. Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof.. This roof serves as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it minimizes the evaporation.
Unlike service stations, here where I work, every truck that we load is temperature compensated, so that every litre is actually the exact amount.

ANOTHER REMINDER, IF THERE IS A FUEL TRUCK PUMPING INTO THE STORAGE TANKS, WHEN YOU STOP TO BUY, DO NOT FILL UP.
Most likely the petrol/diesel is being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you might pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.
Hope, this will help you get the maximum value for your money.

[accuracy]

Dealing with the "stupid" public at work everyday, this mat is a welcome sight-accuracy

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/welcomesigbn5n.jpg

[accuracy]

Guess who turns 50 this week?


http://blog.seedsofdoubt.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/08/destonio_michael_jackson-50.jpg

[accuracy]

Messy girl

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_120s/PODmessygirl.jpg

[accuracy]

Falling In Rocks

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/falon39lovein.jpg

[accuracy]

Viagra For The Elderly

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge.

"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

[janhus]

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a157/njofra666/new-logo.jpg

:D

[accuracy]

Gary Glitter at customs.

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/9479/garyglitteratcumstomscu0.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-picture-boxer-life-lesson-she-looks-fat.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-pictures-olympic-athlete-event-breakdance.jpg

[accuracy]

Best Time Ever

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/terrified0394boy.jpg

[accuracy]

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming,
"A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says.
"It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
,the other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

[accuracy]

Beijing Funnies

A picture compilation of some the best moments.


http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/daca9WU6.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1219671394/Beijing_Funnies

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/nose_fly.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/please_be_safe_sign.jpg

[accuracy]

Help Keep Air Fresh

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/keep_air_fresh.jpg

[accuracy]

Getting A Bath

http://www.funnydogsite.com/pictures/Getting_A_Bath.jpg

Paper Towels

http://www.funnydogsite.com/pictures/Paper_Towels.jpg

Very Windy Day

http://www.funnydogsite.com/pictures/Very_Windy_Day.jpg

[accuracy]

Loves Ice Cream

http://www.funnycatsite.com/pictures/Loves_Ice_Cream.jpg

Barely Hanging On

http://www.funnycatsite.com/pictures/Barely_Hanging_On284.jpg

Hang Tuff

http://www.funnycatsite.com/pictures/Hang_Tuff.jpg

[accuracy]

Money's Politeness

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-pictures-mooning-legal-tactic-german-sailing.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-pictures-michael-phelps-sock-fell-out.jpg

[accuracy]

Extreme Custom Made

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/be98onepres31.jpg

[nofuture]

http://pics.bestpicever.com/pics/pic_326152001189554519.jpg

http://i232.photobucket.com/albums/ee314/sykoX/Motivational%20Posters/1207314221606bn5.jpg


http://pics.bestpicever.com/pics/pic_12070887828437.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v235/Sibley/cid_16027181806022008-14F1.jpg

[nofuture]

http://i229.photobucket.com/albums/ee281/3hrsoflunacy/emokids.jpg

http://bestpicever.com/pics/pic_346801001187706168.jpg

http://i517.photobucket.com/albums/u339/gek_a6c/Motivational%20Posters/TheMullet.jpg

[accuracy]

My Last Day

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/mylaydays8342.jpg

[janhus]

not so funny

http://i11.photobucket.com/albums/a157/njofra666/piramida.jpg

:confused:

[fuggles]

http://www.2flashgames.com/2fgkjn134kjlh1cfn81vc34/flash/f-Dear-Miriam-4714.jpghttp://newmedia.funnyjunk.com/pictures/georgia.jpghttp://www.2flashgames.com/2fgkjn134kjlh1cfn81vc34/flash/f-Learn-Chinese-4769.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-pictures-tank-freeway-do-you-know-why.jpg

[accuracy]

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/political-pictures-olympic-wrestling-greco-roman-butt-lock.jpg

[accuracy]

Smart Planning

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/smart2planning839.jpg

[accuracy]

The Docters Cure

A man went to see his docter concerned about a mysterious ring that he had found around the tip of his penis.

The docter looked him over and immediatly gave him a lotion to rub around the infected spot and told him to come and see him in the morning.

The man come back in joy saying that the ring around the tip of his penis had all but disapeared like it was a miracle.

He curiously asked the docter, the lotion you gave me is it some new wonder drug?

The docter replied chuckling, no my good friend it was lipstick remover

[accuracy]

Catchy Name

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/oc938snokersx.jpg

[accuracy]

Wild Things

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.
When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"
The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[accuracy]

mental patient hearing things

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

[nofuture]

http://md.tgpsitecentral.com/pod/2008-09-04.jpg

[accuracy]

Cheap Moving

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/moving948company.jpg

[accuracy]

Cheap Seating

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/N2PtecKM.jpg

[jayelowell]

patrick smartpants
http://www.spike.com/video/spongebob/2773872

[accuracy]

Like My Driving?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dirivng9384good.jpg

[accuracy]

Kama Sutra

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/pass293esaeats.jpg

[accuracy]

Weird Coincidence

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/lsdbeging645.jpg

[accuracy]

Are My Testicles Black?

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your
face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched
over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the
bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a
good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing
is wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???

[accuracy]

Short But Sweet


1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home and finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him. Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'

2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.'

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential?' Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '

6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush ..'

[accuracy]

Lost Glass Eye

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[mari]

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma
of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way
out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the
railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs....

With laboured breath, he leaned against the
door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's
agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for
there, spread out upon the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite scones......

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his
devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left
this world a happy man....?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the
edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife
with a wooden spoon ......
.........

.........
F**k off' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

[accuracy]

Unassembled Snowman
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/unassemdsnowmaen.jpg

[accuracy]

Express Law Degree

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he
called his lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is
it or the express degree you told me about?"

"It's $50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon,
why do you want to become a lawyer?"


http://www.jokesy.com/images/express-law-degree.jpg

"That's my business! Get me the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer
was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and
it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the
lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late,
tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before
you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said,
"One less lawyer . . ."