A humour thread

[multiverse]

http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/1043/cid001301c871eff81e0ae0yz5.jpg

Thanks, Accuracy, for all the jokes! My teenage boys particularly like this one (except for the actions proposed)...It's on our fridge.

Cheers

[accuracy]

Thanks, Accuracy, for all the jokes! My teenage boys particularly like this one (except for the actions proposed)...It's on our fridge.

Cheers

:D:D

Thanks for the compliment, multiverse, as i thought that pic may cause a stir.:)

Accuracy :D

[father ted]

You had a bad day...

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice

Microsoft windows.

[accuracy]

Lost Dad

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big boobs."

[accuracy]

Retirement Center

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

[accuracy]

Great mother

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Great_mother.jpg

[accuracy]

Ambush

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/ambush.jpg

[accuracy]

Facts of life

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to a mosque doesn't make you a Muslim any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel faster through the mail than checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

[accuracy]

Hungry monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.

He orders a drink, and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did!?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron, he eats everything in sight. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it in his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now!?", he asks.

"Now what?", responds the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"

[accuracy]

Learning Can Be Tough

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/7PtZUpd9.jpg

[accuracy]

XXX L Belly Dancer






http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/U1SgnkTG.jpg

[accuracy]

Sucking Up To The Ref

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/JACGh6NS.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Red Work Binder - Fantastic Idea

Notice: To All Employees as I’ve found this works for me:

I have compiled a Master Reference binder for all staff.
Inside this binder you will find 'solutions' to everyday problems.
If you are having problems with the photocopier, difficulty dealing with co-workers, having computer problems, customer problems, personal problems, or any kind of problem, please come and get the red binder and it will help you through your issue.


http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/6581/cid00df01c87aa51f73bb90bw8.jpg

http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/3503/cid00e001c87aa51f73bb90ih7.jpg

http://img148.imageshack.us/img148/4021/cid00e101c87aa51f73bb90tr2.jpg

Refer to the red binder for all issues...it is guaranteed to make you stress-free
and relaxed.

[accuracy]

Patriotism

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/71nuke032489.jpg

[accuracy]

Same Person?

A curious eleven year old boy asked his mother,
"is God male or female?"

She hesitates for a brief moment, and responds,
"God is both male and female."

Still curious, he asked..."is God black or white?"

She responds along the same line..."God's both
black and white."

Finally, the boy asks..."is God gay or straight?"

His mother, now concerned, answered..."honey,
God's both gay and straight, why do you ask?"

The confused boy hesitates, then asks.."mom is
God and Michael Jackson the same person?"

[accuracy]

Scottish Grave

MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. MacDougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

[accuracy]

Baby Belly

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"
She replied, "Im having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"
She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"
She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...
"Then why did you eat him?"

[accuracy]

Hotshot

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Hotshot.jpg

[serpentoffire]

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered: "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and soall mankind was made."

Two days later she asks her father the same question. The fatheranswered:
"Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
`
The confused girl returns to her mother and says: "Mom, how is it possiblethat you told me that the human race was created by God and Papa says wedeveloped from monkeys?"

The mother answers: "Well dear, it is very simple I told you about theorigin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

[accuracy]

My Next Life

I want to live my next life backwards!

You start out dead and get that out of the way
right off the bat.

Then, you wake up in a nursing home feeling better
every day.

When you are kicked out of the home for being too
healthy, you spend several years enjoying your
retirement and collecting benefit checks.

When you start work, you get a gold watch on your
first day.

You work 40 years or so, getting younger every day
until pretty soon you're too young to work.

So then, you go to high school: play sports, date,
drink, and party.

As you get even younger, you become a kid again.
You go to elementary school, play, and have no
responsibilities.

In a few years, you become a baby and everyone
runs themselves ragged keeping you happy.

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully
in luxury, spa-like conditions: central heating,
room service on tap.

Until finally...

You finish off as an orgasm

[accuracy]

Subject: Drivers License Search on the Net

Did you know that this was happening?

Checking your driver's licence information on-line.????
Now you can see anyone's drivers licence on the internet, including
your own.

It asks for U.S. info, but unfortunately it works for Canadian,English,

Australian and New Zealand licences as well as other countries too .

I just searched for mine putting in Australia as the city and there
it was; picture and all.

This is really scary. I removed mine. Go to the website and check it out.
Click the link below. Just enter your name and city, leave out 'Select a State' and see if
yours is on file.

After your licence comes on the screen, click the box marked 'Please
Remove'.

http://www.license.shorturl.com/

[accuracy]

How To Tell If Your Feet Stink.

(Unable to "copy" pic link from ImageShack??

Makes me wonder if i can do the same if i log-out from this bloody site. .

[accuracy]

How To Tell If Your Feet Stink.

http://img205.imageshack.us/img205/9788/cid005501c879a44e5d6480hd1.jpg

(I must've had a bug in my system.-accuracy)

[accuracy]

60 Things Not to Say to a Naked Guy

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Who circumcised you?
4. Why don't we just cuddle?
5. You know they have surgery to fix that.
6. It's more fun to look at.
7. Make it dance.
8. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
9. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
10. It looks like a night crawler.
11. Wow, and your feet are so big.
12. My last boyfriend was 4'' bigger.
13. It's ok, we'll work around it.
14. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
15. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
16. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
17. Oh no, a flash headache.
18. (giggle and point)
19. Can I be honest with you?
20. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
21. Let me go get my tweezers.
22. How sweet, you brought incense.
23. This explains your car.
24. You must be a growing boy.
25. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
26. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
27. Are you one of those pygmies?
28. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
29. Every heard of clearasil?
30. All right, a treasure hunt!
31. I didn't know they came that small.
32. Why is God punishing you?
33. At least this won't take long.
34. I never saw one like that before.
35. What do you call this?
36. But it still works, right?
37. Damn, I hate baby-sitting.
38. It looks so unused.
39. Do you take steroids?
40. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks it.
41. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
42. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
43. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
44. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
45. Aww, it's hiding.
46. Are you cold?
47. If you get me real drunk first.
48. Is that an optical illusion?
49. What is that?
50. I'll go get the ketchup for your french fry.
51. Were you neutered?
52. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
53. Does it come with an air pump?
54. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
55. Where are the puppet strings?
56. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
57. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes.
58. Never mind, why bother.
59. Is that a second belly button?
60. Where's the rest of it?

[accuracy]

Warm Welcome

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/10doormat90348690.jpg

[accuracy]

Top10 things men know about women

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Top10_Things_Men_Know_.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img36.picoodle.com/img/img36/4/3/2/f_obamahypm_fdd2e64.jpg

[accuracy]

Silent Gas

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silent gas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last night during a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on the way to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in your waiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact, I've just had two more."
The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is your hearing!"

[accuracy]

A Mormon

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[accuracy]

Having A Ball

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/god039man.jpg

[accuracy]

Redneck Basketball

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/er387neckba.jpg

[deliciously_fresh]

Having A Ball

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/god039man.jpg

Ouch! :eek:

[deliciously_fresh]

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day. The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom. "Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/f39u.jpg

[accuracy]

Bartendar Bets

John walks up to the bar tender and bets him $200.00 that he can take off his ear and place it on the bar..
The bartender thinks to himself, "I know this isn't possible"
"OK I will bet you the 200.00 dollars!" the bartendar told John

John took off his ear and placed it on the bar....and then said to the bartender, "You owe me 200.00!!!

The next day John came to the bar again. He had a new bet for the bartender!! "I bet you 2,000 dollars that I can piss in this shoot glass and get every drop in?
The bartender thought to himself again," No way can he do this!"

"OK I'll bet you!" said the bartender.

JOHN STARTS PISSING IN THE SHOT GLASS, THEN ALL OVER THE BAR, ON THE TABLES AND CHAIRS, ON THE STOOLS....

"HA HA I got ya...you owe me 2,000 dollars!!!!" said the bartender.

John said, "Here's your 2,000....it's ok cause you see that table over there? I bet them 6,000 dollars that i could piss on your bar without you getting mad!!!"

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/28MV2GfY.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/zajdG44Z.jpg

[accuracy]

Lip Balm Test.

Check out this very funny video clip!!

http://i.ytimg.com/vi/SeEU2TPY8Ig/default.jpg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SeEU2TPY8Ig

[accuracy]

Waiting On Viagra

A man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour." "Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife? She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half." The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks. The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?" "Yes" the man replied. "Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor. The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

[accuracy]

There is a traveling dildo salesman. He knocks on a woman's door and she allows him in.
He states: "I have a dildo worth 10 dollars, another worth 20 dollars, and another worth 30 dollars".

She looks them over and finally asks him: "How much for the silver dildo?" He contemplates for a second and says "um...150 dollars."

She says: "ok, I'll take it". He leaves.

Later that day he's back at the office and his boss asks him what he sold that day. The salesman replies: "I sold three 10 dollar dildos, seven 20 dollar dildos, two 30 dollar dildos, and I got 150 bucks for my thermos!!"

[accuracy]

Bumpy Landing

Plane narrowly avoids disaster in 250 kmh winds.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/5cRDqubz.jpg

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1204621338/Bumpy_Landing

[accuracy]

Women golfer!!!!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror
as her ball headed directly toward a

foursome of men playing the next hole.The ball hit one of the
men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,'she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side,
loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked,'How does that feel'?

He replied:

'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken.'

[accuracy]

b-u-m-p.

[accuracy]

A Bit Too Close

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/to499vlose.jpg

[accuracy]

Small Overload

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/86small-overload090213.jpg

[accuracy]

Dog Holder
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hol39048my2dog.jpg

[accuracy]

A glass of milk

A guy went on a date with a girl and it went so well that they ended up back at HER place.

They went up stairs and they started having sex,after giving it to her 5 times the guy's bellend was red raw so when she was sleeping he went downstairs to find some vaseline but couldn't find any.Then he saw a glass of milk sitting on the table so he dunked his bellend and the rest of his bollocks in the glass,the girl came downstairs behind him, saw him dunk his balls in the milk and said " oh, so that's how you refill it "

[accuracy]

Nobody Job

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

[accuracy]

Sounds Delicious

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/30dies03chei.jpg

[accuracy]

The Man That Loves Monkeys

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/25monkeystatue89037.jpg

[accuracy]

Build Me a Bridge

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing is wrong' and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[accuracy]

http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/vSR842dn.jpg

[accuracy]

Animal Orgasm

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.

He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig keeps squealing, I can't tell."

[accuracy]

Uphill subway in Israel

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Uphill_Subway_(_Israel).jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/wrong-on-the-internets.jpg

[accuracy]

Celibacy.

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling, take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.


While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."


He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered,


"Self raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.

[accuracy]

When Hell Froze
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/h23froe.jpg

[accuracy]

Deathbed

Jake was on his deathbed while his wife, Becky, maintained a steady vigil by his side. As she held his fragile hand, her warm tears ran silently down her face, splashed onto his, and roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to quiver with sound.

"My darling Becky," he whispered.

"Hush, my love," she said. "Go back to sleep Shhh! Don't talk."

But he was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I have to talk. I have something I must confess to you."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "It's all right. Everything's all right, go to sleep now."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend and our next door neighbor."

Becky mustered a pained smile and stroked his hand. "Hush now Jake, don't torment yourself. I know all about it," she said. "Why do you think I poisoned you?"

[accuracy]

The Forgotten Anniversary

Ron was in big trouble with his wife. He forgot his wedding anniversary. Naturally his wife was livid. She told him, "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less then 6 seconds!! AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning Ron got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Ron has been missing since Friday.

[accuracy]

Watching porn
http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Watching_Porn.jpg

[accuracy]

Legally Blonde

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. "Honey, are you okay?" he asks her. "Yes" she replies. "Then what are you doing?" he asks. "I wanted to prove to you that not all blonde women are dumb and I wanted to do it by painting the house." she replies. "Then why are you wearing a ski jacket over a fur coat?" he asks. "Well," she replies "I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said.....
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."

[accuracy]

Special Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled
with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
"There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?".

[accuracy]

Riding Around On The Babe Bike

.

.

.




http://media2.yourdailymedia.com/images/jGkQppsV.jpg

[accuracy]

blonde swimmer

There was a blonde, a brunette, a red-head and a bald woman stuck on a desert island.
The brunette decided to swim home, but got 1/3 of the way there and drowned, The red-had decided to try, but drowned 1/4 of the way there. The blonde decide that she had to risk it, so she swam 1/2 of the way there when she stopped and swam back.
"why did you come all the way back, when you were half way home?" screamed the bald woman. "well", said the blonde "I was going to carry on, but I got tired and thought I'd rest first".

[accuracy]

Insufficient Warning

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/155lion856762.jpg

[accuracy]

Prompt Attention

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/117pants92873489.jpg

[accuracy]

NOT-GAY Genital Wax Hair Removal System For Men

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/DrZnePAN.jpg

The first genital hair remover system that won't make you gay.


:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38zKvULjniQ

[chattanova]

http://img156.imageshack.us/img156/3294/weatherballoonkc1.gif

[accuracy]

Only one way

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/way23o.jpg

[accuracy]

Interracial friendship

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Interracial_Friend_ship.jpg

[accuracy]

Dangerous kiss

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Dangerous_kiss.jpg

[accuracy]

Sex Against a Fence

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time’s sake?'

'Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn’t know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/3188sta.JPG

[accuracy]

Honey, I'll Get The Milk Today

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/136pumps32948.jpg

[accuracy]

Who Is Stupid?

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class.

He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, hello there sir. So you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

[accuracy]

Blonde in the Dr.'s office

A brunette woman goes into the dr.'s office.
She tells the Dr. : "It hurts all over my body."
He says: "point to where it hurts".
She points to her shoulder and yells "OUCH!". She then points to her hip and yells "OUCH!". Finally she points to her knee and screams in pain "OUCH!!!".
The Dr. asks her "Are you a true blonde and dyed your hair brown?"
She says: "yes, how did you know"?
He answers: "YOU HAVE A BROKEN FINGER!!!".

[accuracy]

Mine is the penthouse apartment.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v508/newlife71128/image001.jpg

[accuracy]

Train Set

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5 year old
son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of
bitches who want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last
stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your
asses in the train cause we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now, I want you to go to your room
and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed
playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard
her son say... "All passengers, please remember to take all of your
belongings with you. We thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant
one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue... "for those of you just boarding,
remember there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who
are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen..."

[accuracy]

Losing Engines

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

[accuracy]

Looks Promising

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/379remodeling0498903856.jpg

[accuracy]

WC

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/579wc34987569.jpg

[accuracy]

Royal Trip

Queen Elizabeth and Prince Phillip are entertaining the King and Queen of Tonga, during the visit they accept a customary ride in the horse drawn cart around the grounds of Sandringham Castle.

During the trip one of the horses farts and the sound and smell carries all the way through the cart to the royals. Embarrassed by this, the queen whispers in Phillip's ear "do you think I should mention that to our guests?". Phillip agrees saying "yes, that would be a good idea".

So the queen leans over to the the King of Tonga and says: "please do excuse me, I'm very embarrassed about that", to which the king of Tonga replies, "that's ok ma'am, I thought it was the horse".

[accuracy]

The Hand That Feeds

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/21biting3902485.jpg

[accuracy]

Lost Ball

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

[accuracy]

If I Wasn't Rich


A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".

His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

[accuracy]

The Importance of Remembrance

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive"

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

[accuracy]

Celebrities Say The Darndest Things

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do."
Henry Kissinger (former US Secretary of State)

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee-the natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
Dan Rather (News anchorman)

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves."
Jerry Garcia (Grateful Dead)

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
Axel Rose (Guns'n'Roses)

"Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master."
Rev. Jesse Jackson

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

[krakhead]

http://xkcd.com/258/
http://xkcd.com/264/

[accuracy]

69

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69". "What the hell is that?" asks the guy. Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain,"I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine." Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart. "What was that for?" he asks. "Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again" she says. So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on. "Wait, where are you going?" she asks. The guy says, "If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy !!!"

[accuracy]

Deliver goods

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/read00goods.jpg

[accuracy]

Cowboy Warning

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/151cowboy67678235.jpg

[accuracy]

Penis Tan

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror, admiring his body, and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. So he decided to do something about that.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out of the sand.

A bit later, two little old ladies came strolling along the beach, one using a cane to help her get along. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, the lady with the cane began to move the penis around with her cane.

Remarking to the other little old lady, she said, "There really is no justice in the world."

The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?"

The first little old lady replied, "Look at that. When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. Now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat."

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Thai Girlfriend

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.



Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"



She replies: "Because I really miss mine".

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: lipstick in schools


yeah Priceless


>Lipstick in School -- Priceless!!
>
> According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington
>recently was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls
>were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That
>was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their
>lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the
>maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put
>them back.
>
>
>
>Finally the principal decided that something had to be! done. She
>called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
>maintenance man She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
>major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
>night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors,
>she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was
>required.
>
>He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and
>cleaned the mirror with it.
>
>Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
>
>There are teachers, and then, there are educators
>

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: take me hahahahah

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!'
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[accuracy]

Jokes About Women

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."


UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.


CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, " Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain..
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!


WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says. "HEBREWS"


THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.


God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece

[accuracy]

Small Parking Violation
http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/583firezone09839086.jpg

[accuracy]

Baseball Fan

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused.
A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"

[accuracy]

Food Spoilage Tests For Bachelors

THE GAG TEST:

Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).



EGGS:

When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.



DAIRY PRODUCTS:

Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yoghurt. Yoghurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realise you've never purchased that kind.



MAYONNAISE:

If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.



FROZEN FOODS:

Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked

anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.



EXPIRATION DATES:

This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.



MEAT:

If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.



BREAD:

Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy-looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.



FLOUR:

Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.



SALT:

It never spoils.



CANNED GOODS:

Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a tennis ball should be disposed of. Carefully.



CARROTS:

A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.



RAISINS AND SULTANAS:

Raisins and sultanas should not be harder than your teeth.



POTATOES:

Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.



CHIP DIP:

If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.



EMPTY CONTAINERS:

Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with your mother or have a maid.



UNMARKED ITEMS:

You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.



GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:

Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

[accuracy]

Shadow art

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/shadow-puppets.jpg

[accuracy]

Nightgown

A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown.

Later that night she was getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box downstairs.

Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who said, "My word, for $250 they could've at least ironed it!"

[accuracy]

Efficiency

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/effic8e93cy.jpg

[accuracy]

Ed Zachary

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she
had not had a date or any sex in quite sometime.
She was afraid she might have something wrong with
her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise
of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang,
the well known Chinese sex therapist. So she went
to see him.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang
said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The woman did as she was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder
side of room."

Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery
fass back to me."

So she did.

Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your
probrem vewy bad - you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse
case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates."

Terrified., the woman asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang,
what is Ed Zachary Disease?

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied,
"Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary
rike your ass."

[accuracy]

Passed away

A brunette walks over to her blonde friend's home and finds her crying.

"What happened...why are you crying?"

The blonde tells her that her mother has passed away.

The neighbour makes her some coffee, comforts her and then leaves.

The next day the neighbour goes back over to the house and finds the blonde crying again.

Once again, she asks her why she is crying.

This time the blonde replies hysterically... "I just got off the phone with my sister - her mother died too!"

[accuracy]

Why the groom is never allowed to order the Wedding Cake...

http://img516.imageshack.us/img516/4210/cidc4d13869ee174e199409gd5.jpg

[ryethorpe]

A history teacher asks a class full of kids 'What was Churchill famous for?'
A kid at the back shouts out 'He was the last white man to be called Winston!'











Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.















What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?
About 2.3 pounds including the urn.















What had 3 legs and lived on a farm?

The McCartneys











But really we shouldn't make fun of Macca.
After all, will he ever find another woman to fill her shoe?























Was so depressed last night that I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in Pakistan .
Told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane.

















A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub.
She says 'Show me it's true what they say about black men'.
So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.












I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

'Oi, what's your disability?'

I said 'Tourettes! Now f**k off you t**t!'











A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him.
He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.
'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.
'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.
The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says,
'F***ing hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, while your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?'
'No' she replies coolly 'I'm your son's English teacher!'













What's the difference between Harold Shipman and Tony Blair?
Shipman actually did something about NHS waiting lists.














A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.

He says 'That's all right, dear.
Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic.
Tell me about it'.

She replies, 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan .'














He walks into the convent and sees Sister Rose washing the kitchen floor.
He's overcome with desire and pushes her onto the ground.
He's going really well when the Rev Mother comes in.
'SISTER ROSE!!!' she roars 'Have some respect.
Arch your back girl and keep Father Duffy's balls off the wet floor!!'

[accuracy]

:D:D Funny stuff there,ryethorpe:)

[accuracy]

Sorry eveyone, due to posting restrictions (frozen) by the admin, i cannot paste pics here!
Don't ask me why, ASK them!

[ryethorpe]

Sorry eveyone, due to posting restrictions (frozen) by the admin, i cannot paste pics here!
Don't ask me why, ASK them!

Come back, Accuracy, we need you ;)

[accuracy]

Come back, Accuracy, we need you ;)

Still NO ANSWER FROM this site...............................?????????

Got better things to do.

[accuracy]

Towing Service

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hore65gar.jpg

[accuracy]

Worst Amusement Park Ever

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/surprise.jpg

[accuracy]

Come back, Accuracy, we need you ;)

Thanks for that, my computer crashed last saturday, and i got a bit
frustrated:rolleyes:

[accuracy]

Bloody Bat

Blood, a young vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and perched himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Before long, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He was tired and needing a rest, so he told them to please leave him alone. However, it was clear that he wasn't going to get any sleep until he satisfied their curiosity.
"OK!" he said with exasperation, "follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him. Down through the valley they went, across the river and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"

[accuracy]

All Smiles

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to
his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars on the lottery,
spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one.
Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.

"Thought he was having his picture taken."

[accuracy]

Tough Sheriff

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/68tough-sherrif34324.jpg

[accuracy]

Vet Exam

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[accuracy]

Weather Joke

Q) What's worse than raining buckets?

A) Hailing taxis!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THREE MICE IN A BAR

Three mice were sitting in a bar bragging about how tough they were.
The first mouse downed a shot and said, "I play with mousetraps for fun. I'll
run into one on purpose, and as it's closin' on me I grab the bar and
bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he tossed down
another shot.

The second mouse downed a shot neat and said, "That's nothin'. I take
those bait tablets, cut 'em up and snort 'em just for the fun of it."
With that he drank another shot.

The third mouse listened, tossed down a shot, got up and headed for the door. The first two
mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and asked, "Where the heck are you goin'?"

On his way out the third mouse turned his head and replied,
"I'm goin' home to screw the cat."

[accuracy]

Dictionary for Men and Women

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS

40-ish = 49
Adventurous = Slept with everyone
Athletic = No tits
Average looking = Ugly
Beautiful = Pathological liar
Contagious Smile = Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure = On medication
Feminist = Fat
Free spirit = Junkie
Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person
Fun = Annoying
New Age = Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded = Desperate
Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate = Sloppy drunk
Professional = Bitch
Voluptuous = Very Fat
Large frame = Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

[accuracy]

Revenge….. So SWEET

A little boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of "a house of ill repute" and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get
the disease that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.

Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and


HE'S the prick who ran over my FROG!"

[accuracy]

Having a baby at 65



With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.
''May we see the new baby?" one asked.
"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first." Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked, "May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again, "May we see
the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.
Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the
baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.
"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he
CRIES?"

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him

[accuracy]

Cat Puzzle

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without making a mistake. (The average person can't)



This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is retard cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat



Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top down and I bet you can't resist passing it on.

[accuracy]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/8648/cid002701c89fcd00fa87f0sw3.jpg

Got a call centre in Pakistan .
I told them I was suicidal.



They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[accuracy]

Remove Dentures

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/349dentures342580234958.jpg

[accuracy]

Useless balcony

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Useless_balcony.jpg

[accuracy]

Tiger wannabe

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Tiger_Wannabe.jpg

[accuracy]

Really fresh salad

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Really_Fresh_Salad.jpg

[accuracy]

You drink too much coffee when...

1. Juan Valdez names his mule after you.
2. You chew on your roommate's fingernails.
3. You can jump-start your car without cables.
4. You do twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. You can't remember your second cup.
6. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
7. Starbucks has a mortgage on your house.
8. Your birthday is a national holiday in Columbia.
9. You don't sweat - you percolate.
10. You grind coffee beans in your mouth.

[accuracy]

Profession

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy`s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy`s a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

[accuracy]

Relationships

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men.

That night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend: The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cm stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: "you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long."

The mistress: Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything.....but we made wild passionate love all night.

The married one: The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes....my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says: "Hi Batman, what's for dinner?"

[accuracy]

Tank Of The Millenium

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/170s-klasse-panzer45625656.jpg

[accuracy]

Video games

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Video_Games.jpg

[accuracy]

Sounds Promising

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/142rats20420.jpg

[accuracy]

The Australian Approach

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The Aussie said "One!"

The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

"£ 124,237.64"

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!!

What the hell did you sell him?"

Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod.

Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/pw23cl.jpg

[accuracy]

Buying Tampax

Two young boys walk into a pharmacy one day, pick out a box of Tampax and proceed to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asks the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replies.

The man continues, "Do you know what these are used for?"

"Not exactly," the boy says. "But they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now he can't do either one."

[accuracy]

smallest body-builder

http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/2052/drawfaq1.jpg
19-year-old Romeo Dev is the world's smallest bodybuilder. Despite being only 83cm and weighing 9kg, Romeo is able to lift a mammoth 1.5kg

[accuracy]

Police Warning to All Men

.Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'. Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimised men. For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works control/click here: Beer Demo

http://www.brackenspub.com/beer.swf

http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/490/beerdaterapeot3.jpg

[accuracy]

Irish Accident

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/77bottles09348.jpg

[accuracy]

Multi-bike

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Multi-bike.jpg

[accuracy]

Garbagemen revenge

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Garbagemen_Revenge..jpg

[accuracy]

14 Universal Truths


1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

4) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

5) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

6) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

7) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

8) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

9) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

10) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

11) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

12) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

13) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

14) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

[accuracy]

Toilet Talk

This could happen to you!

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously...

"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions."

Mobile phones, don't you just love them?

[accuracy]

Dirty Wife

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dirt678ywiv8j.jpg

[accuracy]

Mortgage Problems

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas."



Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time."



Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said,"Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I'll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!"

[accuracy]

Enlarging The Breast

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

The husband comes up with a suggestion. “If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. “How long will this take?” she asks.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” he replies.

The wife stops. “Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?”

The husband shrugs. “Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?”

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Drink_and_drive.jpg

[accuracy]

Weird baby

There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds.

The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds.

All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.

Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong.

The head nurse replied, "We don't know what to do with this baby."

So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."

"Why?" asked the head nurse.

"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."

[multiverse]

Dear Accuracy,

Just want to let you know that I regularly visit this section of the forum to check out your jokes. I always have a great time. Thanks for taking the time to keep us laughing.

Cheers,

Multiverse

[chattanova]

http://img27.picoodle.com/img/img27/4/5/1/f_hillarymanm_11ab4d9.jpg

[accuracy]

Dear Accuracy,

Just want to let you know that I regularly visit this section of the forum to check out your jokes. I always have a great time. Thanks for taking the time to keep us laughing.

Cheers,

Multiverse

It's a pleasure to post humour here :D:D multiverse,
as i just love sharing it!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks
Accuracy:):D

[accuracy]

Are You a Psychopath?

Psycho Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him.
A few days later she killed her sister.

Question:
What was her motive for killing her sister?
Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below:





Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/psycho-test.jpg

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer.
Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.
If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

[accuracy]

Superheroes Retirement Home

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/534superheroes094860.jpg

[accuracy]

Transport ingenuity

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Transport_ingenuity.jpg

[accuracy]

Give Way To Tanks

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/rqQJuqKV.jpg

[accuracy]

Private Parking

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/83parking0980598.jpg

[accuracy]

Don't Say That!

Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...
------------------------------------

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

[accuracy]

Young celebs

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Young_celebs.jpg

[accuracy]

Striped icebergs

Amazing phenomena

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Striped_Icebergs_amazi.jpg

[accuracy]

Safety at work

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/SafetyatWork.jpg

[accuracy]

No stamps

What to do when out of stamps...

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/No_stamps.jpg

[accuracy]

Icy toilet

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Icy_toilet.jpg

[accuracy]

Hot sauce advertising

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Hot_sauce_advertising.jpg

[accuracy]

New type of catscan

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/catscan.jpg

[accuracy]

Urgent - Very important!!!

DO NOT LET YOUR KIDS PLAY WITH FLIP PHONES!

A new study has revealed that flip phones have caused very serious
side effects to the reproductive development of young children.
As the photo below shows, it can also lead to localized pain and
discomfort.

Pass this on for the sake of all children, please.


http://img176.imageshack.us/img176/7668/cid3229ba16171c4e85aeb8po2.jpg

[accuracy]

Where is Santa?!?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/job34.jpg

[accuracy]

Stuck In The Hotel

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[accuracy]

Embarrassing Moment

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[accuracy]

Wooden ornaments

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/GaMwBEgG.jpg

[accuracy]

Watch Out!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/jTmLZ5wp.jpg

[accuracy]

Ready For Launch

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/451heavy860.jpg

[accuracy]

Weird Counting

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[accuracy]

Fail!

Huge compilation of hilarious pictures.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/njviAeDu.jpg

A 9 minute slideshow,so PREPARE yourself with a full can of beer, and other commodities before viewing..........you just can't afford to miss a pic!!-- accuracy:D
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1209984451/Fail

[accuracy]

Make Hugs Not War

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/461hug988976.jpg

[accuracy]

Lazy Workers

A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.

"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."

Nine hands went up.

"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.

"Too much trouble," came the reply.

[accuracy]

India is wired for tech support.

http://www.bartcop.com/tech-support-india.jpg

[accuracy]

Always Open!

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/140barber9482357.jpg

[accuracy]

Clever...

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.


BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up to the teeth with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.


And MY Personal Favourite.......

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

[accuracy]

Sounds Kinky

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/314pron30492358.jpg

[ryethorpe]

Sorry it's a long one, but if you're in the mood and have had a Bible childhood it's funny -


Subject: Nun grading papers


>Can you imagine the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers, all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!
>
> PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST.
>
> KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RETOUCHED OR CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.
>
>
> 1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
>
> 2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
>
> 3 .. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
>
> 4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
>
> 5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
>
> 6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
>
> 7 MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.
>
>
> 8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS
>
> 9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
>
> 10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
>
> 11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
>
>
> 12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
>
> 13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
>
> 14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.
>
> 15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
>
> 16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
>
> 17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
>
> 18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
>
> 19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
>
> 20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.
>
> 21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.
>
> 22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
>
> 23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
>
> 24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
>
> 25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY

























!!!!

[boots]

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

Man thats fuck'n good, only kids can come up beauties like this.

[accuracy]

New products from Brazil

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/9628/cid2a15b655abff4e90a8ccoq4.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/5492/cid9bf09cf80d4342fd99b9bs7.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/3605/cidec265b3c55664713adbdwj4.jpg

[accuracy]

New products from Brazil....cont

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/6190/cidc6acaf7f4a3044378293ei9.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/1281/cid1ceb9caa95544cf8b7f5qh3.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/3657/cid996a917f58c94f01b5aazd4.jpg

[accuracy]

New products from Brazil.....cont.

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/7728/cid387fffcad5874a2eb863vj8.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/3583/cidb78dc628ec604cefb0dbql3.jpg

http://img119.imageshack.us/img119/8966/cid004128dbe94443e29c4azs5.jpg

[accuracy]

Dad makes Prom dress.

**Designer Dad makes prom dress out of condoms**
This is just too funny not to share!!!
About the time you thought you had see n it all,here's a 'safe sex' dress!
Pretty original, to say the least...

http://img88.imageshack.us/img88/4547/cid003b01c8b24733e27380bv1.jpg

No virus was found in this message.
My computer used one of the condoms...

[accuracy]

$15 For A Night

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/for6d6adgan.jpg

[accuracy]

Art Fan

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves. The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.
The wife asks, "What are you waiting for?"

The husband replies, "Autumn."

[accuracy]

Before & After Marriage

http://www.jokesy.com/images/before-marriage-after-marriage-read-from-bottom-to.JPG

[accuracy]

Flasher Ahead

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/71flasher-ahead21309.jpg

[accuracy]

Penny Pincher

An old penny pincher had no friends. Just before he died he asked his doctor, lawyer, and pastor to gather around him at bedside.
"I have always heard that you can't take it with you. But I want to disprove that theory," he said. "I have $90,000 under my mattress, and when I die, just before they throw the dirt on me at my burial, I want you each to toss in an envelope with $30,000 within."
The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope in the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the pastor said, "I must confess. I needed $10,000 for my new church, so I only threw in $20,000." The doctor then said, "I must confess too. I needed $20,000 for a new hospital I was opening up, so I only threw in $10,000."
The lawyer looked at them both and shook his head. He then said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked, and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could dare to go against that man's final wish. I mean, I threw in my personal check for the full amount…"

[accuracy]

Talking Peanuts

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and orders a drink. He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful tie, is that silk? The women must love you."

Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and doesn't see anyone near him who could've been speaking to him. With a shrug, he finishes his drink & peanuts and orders another.

Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin', my man. Are they Italian leather? They look grrrreat."

He whirls around to again see no one near him. He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he tucks self-consciously under the stool. A little wierded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a third drink. This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic. Is it an Armani? You are *SO* G.Q.!"

He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look. I keep hearing these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- What's up with that? Am I going crazy?"

"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."

"The peanuts?!?" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.

"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."

[accuracy]

Mirrorimage

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/MirrorImage.jpg

[accuracy]

US elections 08

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/US_Elections_08.jpg

[accuracy]

Recycle the natural way

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Recycle_the_natural_way.jpg

[accuracy]

Dog hugs baby

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Dog_Hugs_Baby.jpg

[lemonique]

LoL!!!

I could barely look.

My son has a Neopolitan Mastif (Ishtar), she sat on my foot one day and I thought I would never get the feeling back!

They are SO HEAVY!!!!

Phew! looks like at all worked out OK :D

Lemonique

[accuracy]

WHAT'S WITH THE FUEL PRICES LATELY ?

http://img171.imageshack.us/img171/7330/cid001701c8b42b7db77e70cw8.jpg

I went into the service station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas....

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

[accuracy]

Working In The Nude

Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.
They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.
"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.
They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, nice tits! where do you want the blinds?"...

[accuracy]

Bad hiding place

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/bad-hiding-place.jpg

[accuracy]

Dog mimics sign

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/dog-mimics-sign.jpg

[vril]

"Accuracy",

You are amazing my friend. Every day you are on here posting solely for the benefit of others, that they may laugh and perhaps recall (if only slightly) what life is truly about. I appreciate this very much.

[accuracy]

"Accuracy",

You are amazing my friend. Every day you are on here posting solely for the benefit of others, that they may laugh and perhaps recall (if only slightly) what life is truly about. I appreciate this very much.

No, not amazing,vril, i just have the "knack"
posting here. It's no trouble at all and i'm happy that you enjoy the laughs from my e-mails, and a few websites that i visit, and share with all here!:D

Cheers, Tony....err Accuracy

;)

[accuracy]

Insurance Add

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/423insurance9805986.jpg

[accuracy]

Land of OZ

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado in Kansas, and off they spin to the Land of OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly:
"I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage."

"No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.., Well.., Well.., I need a brain."
"Done" says the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I
need a heart."

"I've heard it's true" says the Wizard. "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY!?"

And Willie replies - "Is Dorothy around?"

[accuracy]

Doctors Chat

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

[accuracy]

FEMALE STRESS RELIEVER!!!!!!!!!

http://img80.imageshack.us/img80/4324/cid000b01c8b6890c9909b0za4.gif

[accuracy]

Dogs

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he worked for Customs and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, "Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the
agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb."

[accuracy]

Jokes from Aussie

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

__________________________________________________



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).



A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

__________________________________________________



Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA)



A: Depends how much you’ve been drinking.

__________________________________________________



Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)



A: Sure, it’s only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

__________________________________________________



Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns ,Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)



A: What did your last slave die of?

__________________________________________________



Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)



A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

__________________________________________________



Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? ( USA)



A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

_________________________________________________



Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK)



A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

__________________________________________________



Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys Choir schedule? ( USA )



A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ..

oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

__________________________________________________



Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK)



A: You are a British politician, right?

__________________________________________________



Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )



A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal .

__________________________________________________



Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)



A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

__________________________________________________



Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA)



A: It’s called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

__________________________________________________



Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA)



A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

__________________________________________________



Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )



A: Yes, gay night clubs.

__________________________________________________



Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France)



A: Only at Christmas.

__________________________________________________



Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the Girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? ( USA)



A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour..

__________________________________________________



Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)



A: Yes, but you’ll have to learn it first.

[accuracy]

The ATO (The Australian Tax Office

The ATO decides to audit Roger, and summons him to the ATO office. The ATO auditor is not surprised when Roger shows up with his lawyer.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable."
"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Roger. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Roger says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Roger removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Roger says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now the auditor can tell Roger isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Roger removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Roger's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Roger asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Roger stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Roger's lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the lawyer. "This morning, when Roger told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

[accuracy]

CHOCLATE ICE-CREAM

A lady walks into an Ice Cream Parlor and asks "could I please have a gallon of chocolate ice cream?"
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry miss, we just sold our last gallon of chocolate ice cream a few minutes ago. Could I interest you in another flavor?"
So the lady replies, "Ok then, I'll just have a quart of chocolate ice cream"
The salesman replies, "I'm sorry. We don't have any chocolate ice cream."
The lady then asks "all right, then could I have a just a pint of chocolate
ice cream?" Again the salesman responds angrier this time "i'm sorry, we don't have any chocolate ice cream"
So the lady says "Fine, I'll just have a cone of chocolate ice cream."
"Listen lady!" he yells. "How do you spell VAN in VANilla?"
"V-A-N" she spells.
"How do you spell STRAW in STRAWberry?"
"S-T-R-A-W" she again spells.
"And how do you spell FUCK in chocolate?"
She thinks for a minute and says "There is no FUCK in chocolate"
"EXACTLY!"

[accuracy]

Lunchtime

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Lunchtime.jpg

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/CART320.jpg

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/CART387.jpg

[accuracy]

Marriage Counseling

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.
The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a
tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've
been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman
and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a
daze.

The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here
Monday and Wednesday, but on Friday, I golf."

[accuracy]

Best School Trip Ever

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/296scholsex023489028.jpg

[accuracy]

Employee Outhouse

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0064.jpg

[accuracy]

Cow Giving Birth

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 5-year-old son standing pie-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great... he's 5 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and the bees. No need to jump the gun - I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

When everything was over, Dad strolled over to his son and said, "Well Willie, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the pie-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

:D

[accuracy]

Nursing Home

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home.

They ask,"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[accuracy]

http://allhatnocattle.net/Copy%20of%20face-pierce.jpg

Guinness World Record holder for the 'Most Pierced Woman', Elaine Davidson, poses for a photograph in the Royal Mile in Edinburgh, Scotland showing some of her five thousand nine hundred and twenty piercings on May 16, 2008.
Photo/David Moir

[accuracy]

ShowGirls

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/57girls45432.jpg

[accuracy]

Replacing The Judge

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnite, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.
An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

Replied the governor: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

[accuracy]

Tough military discipline

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Tough_Military_Discipl.jpg

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Tough_Military_Discipl_1.jpg

[accuracy]

Holy fucking shit

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/holy_fucking_shit.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Who-killed-more-in-bib.jpg

[accuracy]

Overweight Irishman

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions?'

The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were
going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.'

'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.

'No, from the f**kin' skippin'

[accuracy]

Fight With a Ghost?

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."


http://www.jokesy.com/images/fight-with-a-ghost.gif

[accuracy]

Barbie For Christmas

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, 'What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas'?

The little girl replies, 'I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe'.

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, 'I thought Barbie comes with Ken'.

'No', said the little girl. 'She comes with G.I. Joe, she fakes it with Ken.'

[accuracy]

Shopping

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart's and the husband picks up a case of Budweiser and put it in their shopping cart.

”What do you think you're doing?” asks the wife.

“They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.

“Put them back, we can't afford them,” demands the wife. So he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and put it in the shopping cart.

“What do you think you're doing?” asks the husband.

“Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and its half the price.”

[accuracy]

Chili + Pepper Spray + Kick In The Balls + Taser

It's like 4 videos in one...

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/Jzrccy9Q.jpg

Watch it! :eek:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1211273316/Chili_+_Pepper_Spray_+_Kick_In_The_Balls_+_Taser

[accuracy]

http://allhatnocattle.net/fish-therapy.jpg

A visitor enjoys "Fish Therapy" in a hotspring bathing pool at the Sanya Pearl River Nantian Hotspring Resort in south China's Hainan island province. The hot spring water softens dead skin cells, which are nibbled off by the fish.
Photo/Victor Fraile

[accuracy]

Top Shape

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/79fat2387.jpg

[accuracy]

MESSAGE TO THE AUSTRALIAN PUBLIC

The federal government is sending each and every one of us a $600 rebate.

If we spend that money at K-Mart, the money will go to China.

If we spend it on petrol it will go to the Arabs, if we purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan,

If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala,

if we purchase a good car it will go to Japan,

If we purchase useless crap it will go to Korea and none of it will help the Australian economy.

The only way to keep that money here at home is to spend it on prostitutes and beer, since these are the only products still produced in Australia.


Thank you for your help.

Kevin Rudd & Wayne Swan .
( Australian Prime Minister & Australian Treasurer)

[accuracy]

Do not blink!

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/do-not-blink.jpg

[accuracy]

The Best Guards

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/259pitbulls1209380192840932.jpg

[accuracy]

There Is No Fish There

One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. "There's no fish there...".
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. "There's no fish there..."
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. "There's no fish there...", she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, "Is that you, God?"

"NO! IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE'S NO FISH THERE!

[accuracy]

Irish Wedding

A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride's and groom's families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, 'Silence in court!'

The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,
'Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.'

The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride.

The judge says, 'OK.'

'Well,' said Paddy, 'after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.'

Shocked, the judge instantly responded, 'God, that must have hurt!'

'Hurt?' Paddy replies. 'He broke three of my fingers!'

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/liver-is-evil.jpg

[accuracy]

Out Of Letters

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/stal0letters.jpg

[accuracy]

Wine Bottles

A wino dug around through all his pockets and produced $5.00. He went to the corner market, laid out the cash and asked for as much cheap wine as he could get. The clerk handed him 2 bottles and the wino departed. He went down the alley, downed both bottles, and passed out.

A little while later a homosexual, depressed from a night of rejection, wandered down the same alley. He saw the wino, thought about it, and decided he would have his way after all. However, upon finishing the deed, he felt really guilty. He checked and only had $10.00, so he put it in the wino's coat.

The next night, the wino discovers the $10.00, walks into the corner store and asks for as much wine as her could get. The clerk hand over 4 bottles which the wino then takes down the alley, consumes, and passes out.

Sure enough, the same homosexual passes through the alley. This time, however, he is with 9 of his gay friends. Upon seeing the wino, he confesses the previous night's deed. His friends are intrigued, so as a group, they take their turns with the wino. And like the night before, each one leaves $10.00 for the wino.

The next day the wino finds the $100.00 and goes into the corner store. He asks the clerk for 2 bottles of the nicest wine that his $100.00 could get him. The astonished clerk replies that for $100.00, he could get 40 bottles of the cheap stuff. The wino demands finer wine, explaining that the 'cheap stuff' was really tearing his ass up.

[cheeney1]

:D Goofyhttp://www.innocentenglish.com/img/funny-newspaper-ads-mistakes-and-bloopers.jpg

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.funnyhub.com/pictures/img/strange-car-accident.jpg

[cheeney1]

:p:phttp://img155.imageshack.us/img155/2364/08police55510viazizaep0.jpg

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2008/02/weird-car-accident.jpg

[blondina1]

1. A day without sunshine is like. . . night.

2. On the other hand, you have. . . different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.

9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so. . . what's the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck
happened?"

22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.cybersalt.org/cl_images/1zzzzxa/cars/carcementtruckroof.jpg

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.totalcarcrashes.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/03/crash209.thumbnail.jpg

[accuracy]

Funny input, guys;):D

[accuracy]

Church For The Weak

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/212weak32094823-84.jpg

[cheeney1]

:D:Dhttp://media3.guzer.com/pictures/funny_sign_dogs.jpg

[cheeney1]

:Dhttp://www.innocentenglish.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2007/06/funny-church-sign.jpg