A humour thread

[accuracy]

Torah Scholar

A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After
dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young
man.

The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink. "So what
are your plans?" the father asks the young man.

"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.

"A Torah scholar. Hmmm," the father says. "Admirable, but what
will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she's
accustomed to?"

"I will study," the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."

"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she
deserves?" asks the father.

"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God
will provide for us."

"And children?" asks the father. "How will you support children?"

"Don't worry, sir, God will provide," replies the fiancee.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,
the young idealist insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks, "How did it go, Honey?"

The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news
is he thinks I'm God."

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: QUIZ ANSWERS



There's some doozies here !!


Answers from british Quiz Programmes:
QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with 'T'.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, right . . . (pause) . . . Doctor.
DANNY KELLY SHOW (RADIO WM)
Kelly: Which French Mediterranean town hosts a famous film festival every year?
Contestant: I don't know, I need a clue.
Kelly: OK. What do beans come in?
Contestant: Cartons?
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark: For Pounds 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
THE WEAKEST LINK
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'J' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
RTE RADIO 2FM (IRELAND)
Presenter: What is the name of the long- running TV comedy show about pensioners: Last Of The ...?
Caller: Mohicans.
QUIZMANIA
Greg Scott: We're looking for a word that goes in front of 'clock'.
Contestant: Grandfather.
Scott: Grandfather clock is already up there, say something else.
Contestant: Panda.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes bread . . .
Contestant: Er . . .
Leslie: He makes cakes . . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?
MAGIC 52 (NORTHEAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm . . .
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?
SIMPLY THE BEST (ITV)
Phil Tufnell: How many Olympic Games have been held?
Contestant: Six.
Tufnell: Higher!
Contestant: Five.
FORT BOYARD (CHALLENGE TV)
Jodie Marsh: Arrange these two groups of letters to form a word - CHED
and PIT.
Team: Chedpit.
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.
RADIO 1 EARLY MORNING SHOW
Presenter: How many toes would three people have in total?
Contestant: 23.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ (BBC RADIO NOTTINGHAM)
Jeff Owen: In which country is Mount Everest?
Contestant (long pause): Er, it's not in Scotland, is it?
THE MICK GIRDLER SHOW (BBC RADIO SOLENT)
Girdler: I'm looking for an island in the Atlantic whose name includes the letter 'e'.
Contestant: Ghana.
Girdler: No, listen. It's an island in the Atlantic Ocean.
Contestant: New Zealand.
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific
ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta.
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er ... er ... three?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and what?
Contestant: Jelly.
RICHARD ALLINSON SHOW (RADIO 2)
Allinson: What international brand shares its name with the Greek goddess of victory?
Contestant (after long deliberation): Erm, Kellogg's?
BLIND DATE (ITV)
Girl: Name a book written by Jane Austen.
Boy: Charlotte Bronte.
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ... Mexico?
DOG EAT DOG (BBC1)
Ulrika Jonsson: Who wrote Lord of the Rings?
Contestant: Enid Blyton
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Eamonn Holmes: Dizzy Gillespie is famous for playing what?
Contestant: Basketball.
NOTTS AND CROSSES QUIZ
Jeff Owen: Where did the D-Day landings take place?
Contestant (after pause): Pearl Harbour?
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er . . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . .
Contestant: (Silence)
Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant: Walked?
NATIONAL LOTTERY
Dale Winton: Skegness is a seaside resort on the coast of which sea:a) Irish Sea, b) English Channel, c) North Sea?
Contestant: Oh, I know that, you can start writing out the cheque now, Dale. It's on the east coast, so it must be the Irish Sea.
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
BREAKFAST SHOW, RADIO 1
Chris Moyles: Which 'S' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm . . .
Moyles: It begins with 'S' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/29.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/lio30948sie2.jpg

[randyt]

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

Plato:
“For the greater good”.


Karl Marx:
“It was a historical inevitability”.


Machiavelli:
“So that it’s subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained”.


Thomas de Torquemada:
“Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out”.


Carl Jung:
“The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being”.



Albert Einstein:
“Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference”.


Aristotle:
“To actualize its potential”.


Buddha:
“If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature”.


Darwin:
“It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees”.


Jack Nicholson:
“'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason”.


The Godfather:
“I didn't want its mother to see it like that”.


Othello:
“Jealousy”.


Supreme Soviet:
“There has never been a chicken in this photograph”.


Hamlet:
“That is not the question…”

[chattanova]

http://img27.picoodle.com/img/img27/6/11/3/f_rosrembrandm_46eecb5.jpg

[auron]

http://i61.photobucket.com/albums/h70/mettlekettle/fight2st0.gif

[remorse]

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http://i36.photobucket.com/albums/e44/remorseomnibus/1187793603914.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/shit9858is92bread.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/9japanesetits39080968.jpg

[accuracy]

Johnny The Gambler

Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it. After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.

One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch black, you dye your hair."

"I most certainly do not," she replied.

"I bet you ten bucks you do," he said.

She saw that this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for all the other children to leave the class and took off her pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked sullenly out of the room.

A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I finally taught him a lesson," she said.

"The hell you have," his father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your vagina before the end of the day."

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/texas_snakes.jpg

This photo released by the Guinness World Records shows Jackie Bibby in a see-through bathtub with 87 rattlesnakes, in Dublin, Texas, Monday, Nov. 5, 2007. Bibby spent about 45 minutes in the tub shattering his own record by 12 snakes. Photo/Guinness World Records/Carla Metzler

[chattanova]

http://img39.picoodle.com/img/img39/5/11/15/f_famtreedeesm_46da461.jpg

[veritas2007]

A teenage boy asks his granny: Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD? Granny: 'F**k the pills; have you seen the dragons in the living room?

[chattanova]

http://img32.picoodle.com/img/img32/5/11/23/f_deesnorthamm_682243c.jpg

[accuracy]

Clever Designs

http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/3296/cleverdesignsku6.jpg

[accuracy]

Everything I Need

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55
mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at
him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years,
but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60
mph.

She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of
it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and he's a much better lover than you."

Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his
anger increases.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up,
and now is doing 70 mph.

She says, "I want the kids, too."

The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's
up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too."

The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything
you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."

She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph,
"I've got the airbag!"

[accuracy]

Illegal Drag Racing in the city streets

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/1789/28196335786d36c7a64jc7.jpg

[accuracy]

You just can't make this stuff up!

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/6865/cid3fdf21e0f2d6444dbfbeef5.jpg

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/2530/cid9519a7a96a464ee695e0iq0.jpg

http://img403.imageshack.us/img403/223/cid44704039fa0d411ca0f3lf4.jpg

[accuracy]

Fw: New Aussie Party Game - "Last One Out Wins".

http://img218.imageshack.us/img218/5944/firstoutyoulooseka7.jpg

[accuracy]

How rumours start

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/6rsd.jpg

[accuracy]

Two People

A mother and son are walking through a cemetery, and pass by a headstone inscribed - "Here lies a good lawyer and an honest man." The little boy reads the headstone, looks up at his mother, and asks "Mommy, why did they bury two men there?"

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Cascade Brewery

The General Managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and Coopers (South Australia) were at a national beer conference.
They decide to all go to lunch together and the waitress asks what they want to drink.
The General Manager of Tooheys says without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."
The General Manager of XXXX smiles and says, "I'll have a XXXX Gold."
The General Manager of Coopers proudly says, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
The bloke from Carlton says, "I'll have a Carlton Draught, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The General Manager from Cascade glances at his lunch mates and says, "I'll have a Diet Coke."
The others look at him like he has sprouted a new head.



He just shrugs and says, "Well if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

[accuracy]

My Christmas Tree

http://img249.imageshack.us/img249/3765/cide795e4140fa0441586cebn4.jpg

[rynath]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5BKX3QCjk0

[accuracy]

At Least They're Honest

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/atle93honest.jpg

[accuracy]

Talented bartenders

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/talented-bartenders.jpg

[veritas2007]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b5BKX3QCjk0

Great film :D

[accuracy]

I really do not want to post here anymore here, again.

In actual fact, this Forum is worse than the "unnofficial' Icke's.


:eek::eek::eek:

[accuracy]

I really do not want to post here anymore here, again.

In actual fact, this Forum is worse than the "unnofficial' Icke's.


:eek::eek::eek:

Ok, i am not fully withdrawing, as it will give you trolls to lie, lie and lie again, with no resistance, you continue to lie.

[accuracy]

Vet Exam

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks.

The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[accuracy]

First Prize :D

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where y'been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrst prrrize!"

[accuracy]

Just letting you know................Just so you are ready..........

YOU CAN'T SAY YOU WERE NOT WARNED!!!

Click Here

http://mysite.verizon.net/vze201j5/countdown.htm

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Fwd: Fw: TR: Catholic parrots

> >> A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,
> >> "Father, I have a problem.
> >> I have two female parrots,
> >>
> >>
> >> but they only know how to say one thing."
> >> "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
> >> They say,
> >> "Hi, we're hookers!
> >> Do you want to have some fun?"
> >> That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
> >>
> >> "You know," he said,
> >> "I may have a solution to your problem.
> >> I have two male talking parrots,
> >> which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
> >> Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
> >> cage with Francis and Peter.
> >> My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your
> >> parrots are sure to stop saying . . .
> >> that phrase . . in no time."
> >> Thank you," the woman responded,
> >> "this may very well be the solution."
> >>
> >>
> >> The next day,
> >> she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
> >> As he ushered her in,
> >> she saw that his two male parrots
> >>
> >> were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
> >> Impressed,
> >> she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
> >> After a few minutes,
> >> the female parrots cried out in unison:
> >> Hi, we're hookers!
> >> Do you want to have some fun?"
> >> There was stunned silence.
> >> Shocked,
> >> one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
> >> "Put the beads away, Frank.
> >> Our prayers have been answered!"

[accuracy]

...But Honest

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/84syck39874.jpg

[accuracy]

Horny Captain

As the plane began to descend towards the airport, the captain announced "ladies and gentlemen, this is the captain speaking, we are now arriving at JFK airport. On behalf of the staff and crew, i'd like to thank all of you for flying with our airline. We hope you had a pleasant flight and we hope to fly with you again someday, have a safe journey home."

The captain forgot to turn off the intercom. He then turned to his co-pilot and said "damn bob, i really shouldn't have eaten that curry before we took off. When we land and i get to the hotel, im gonna take the biggest shit of my life. Oh, and you know that new air hostess, Jenny? Oh man, i'm gonna have sex with her so hard, did you see her in that uniform? Mmm hmm, those legs and those huge set of tits, she is one fine piece of ass, i can't wait to tap that!!" the pilots then laughed to themselves over the intercom.

Jenny, the new air hostess who was seeing to the passengers, turned red with embarrassment as she realised what had happened. She then darted towards the cock-pit but tripped over an old lady's walking stick and landed on her back.

The old lady looked down at her and said "no need to rush dear...he said he's going to take a crap first"

[accuracy]

Fire Hazard

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/411fart3094838957.jpg

[accuracy]

Waiting For A Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."

The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, " How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours."

The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and says,
"About an hour and a half."

The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."

[ichi wa zen]

Check my avatar, you thought it was a bug and went to your shed to get some antexterminator mwuahahahhaha, you were fooled by my digital ant. Now your new 21 inch LCD screen is ruined.

[accuracy]

Yeah baby.

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/gif/rhino.gif

[accuracy]

Extreme 4X4

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/511extreme498560.jpg

[accuracy]

Friend For Supper

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I didn't go shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

"I know all that."

"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

"Because the poor guy is thinking about getting married."

[accuracy]

Redneck Basketball

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/er387neckba.jpg

[accuracy]

Religious Tits

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man 'There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied 'The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked 'What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded 'It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

[accuracy]

Subject: Christmas Joke - (its nearly December)

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.



"In honour of this holy season,' Saint Peter said 'you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."



The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.



"It represents a candle." he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates."

said Saint Peter.



The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and



said, "They're bells." Saint Peter said he could pass through the pearly gates.



The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and > finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?" The man replied,























Wait for it!!!!









































"They're Carols."

[accuracy]

Bowling Night

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/443bowling05798.jpg

[accuracy]

Cold In Alaska

A couple decided go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them.

So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again".

She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

[blue]

http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff176/sohail84/004.gif

[accuracy]

That's Cold

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/cold029dewe2.jpg

[accuracy]

Early Warning Signs

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/EarlyWarningSign.jpg

[accuracy]

Who Took This Picture?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/593camera280580.jpg

[accuracy]

Hot-Dog

Two foreign nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the
other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as
well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the Mother Superior points to a hot dog vendor and
they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil
and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench
and begin to unwrap their "dogs."

The Mother Superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then,
staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers
cautiously, "What part did you get?"

[accuracy]

A Mormon

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[accuracy]

Big Game Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind,and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

[accuracy]

Cheat Any Exam With A Coke Bottle

It's so simple, why didn't I think of that!

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/bjVs59gf.jpg

Watch video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1196962290/Cheat_Any_Exam_With_A_Coke_Bottle

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/bad071109.gif

[chattanova]

http://img33.picoodle.com/img/img33/5/12/10/f_prozacdeesm_4745a31.jpg

[accuracy]

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud.

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"

"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.

"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"

"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."

The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post.

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."

"Why?" asks the confused clerk.

"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no crap off an Indian."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/190truth32094780234.jpg

[accuracy]

Funny video clip, check it out here: :D

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4374&id=1

[accuracy]

Subject: Tale of the Irish Sausage


Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't
have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub.

[accuracy]

Two guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex when you filled your tank. They pumped their gas and went to pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven."
"Sorry, I was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to pick a number.
"Two!" said the second guy.
"Sorry, it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest is rigged."
"No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last week."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/74carphone87686.gif

[accuracy]

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but "down under."

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

AND:

Q: WHAT IS A MAN'S ULTIMATE EMBARRASSMENT?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

[accuracy]

An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, "I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had."

The old man feeling a bit obliged leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek. Then she said, "I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity." The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers. The elderly woman then stated, "I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine."

This time, the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, "Was it something I said, where are you going?" The old man looked at her and replied, "I'm going in the other room to get my teeth!"

[accuracy]

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.


http://www.jokes.org.au/images/pocket-taser-stun-gun.jpg


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd Anniversary, and I was looking for a little something "extra" for my wife.

I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on the assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device, and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the thing, and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all THAT bad, with only two triple-A batteries, right?!! There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions, and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie, (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She's such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top, with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms, and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would just be wasting the batteries.

All the while, I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; (pretty cute really, and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, "NO possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best... I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't POSSIBLY hurt all that bad...


I decided to give myself a one-second burst, just for the heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over, and over, and over, and over again.


I vaguely recall waking up on my side, in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, and undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is NO SUCH THING as a "one-second burst", when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-%#&**%#... that hurt!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps, right thigh, and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles.

I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

[accuracy]

THE ADULT LEARNING CENTRE EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN

http://www.jokes.org.au/images/evening-classes-for-men.jpg

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.


Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.



Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 4
Fundamental Differences between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.



Class 5
Dinner Dishes-- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM



Class 6
Loss of Identity-- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM



Class 7
Learning How To Find Things-- Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours



Class 8
Health Watch-- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.




Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost-- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined



Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.



Class 11
Learning to Live-- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined



Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.



Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy-- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.



Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.




Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[accuracy]

Two hunters are out in the woods in New Jersey when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps 'My friend is dead! What can I do?' The operator says: 'Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.' There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says 'OK, now what?'

[accuracy]

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'
'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.' 'What colour are you going to wear tonight?', she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly. The wife responds, 'Really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!'.

[accuracy]

Three mice are at a bar, having drinks, talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams down a shot of booze, says, "Let me tell you how tough I am."

I spot a trap and go for the cheese. When it snaps, I snatch the bar and bench press it 20 or so times and before it can close I'm outa there!" and he tosses down another shot.

The second mouse slams down a shot and says, "You think that's tough? When I find a pile of d-con, I crush it and snort it like it's cocaine." With that he throws down another shot and slams his shotglass on the bar.

The first two are staring at the third mouse, waiting to see what he has to say for himself.

He fires down a shot of booze, throws down his glass and heads for the door. His buddies look at each other, then at him and say, "Hey, where are YOU going?"

The third mouse says, "I haven't got time for this shit, I need to get home to screw the cat."

[accuracy]

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless
man, "you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks,
and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/4cr53.jpg

[accuracy]

Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Into The Bush Family - David Letterman

10. Great deals on Fallujah honeymoon

9. You'll inherit President Bush's extensive collection of Chuck Norris memorabilia

8. It's a good bet the wedding reception will have an open bar

7. Might see Cheney shoot an old guy-- still a reference, folks

6. Learning from grandma Barbara how to spit chaw

5. Every Wednesday is Taco Night

4. What could be more fascinating than learning what makes Jeb tick?

3. If half the family hates you, you still have better approval rating that George Bush

2. W. can lend you the "Mission Accomplished" banner to put up in the bedroom

1. Little chance you'll be the dumbest guy in the family

[accuracy]

C

Compassion - When Conservatives work against equal rights for people, economic freedoms for the poor, reproductive freedoms for women, and so on. See Hate.

E

Executive Privilege - A power that the Bush Administration uses frequently so nobody can see what it's doing. See Wiretapping.

F

Facts - An invention of the West Coast Liberals and has a strong Anti-Republican bias. Often works with a creation of the East Coast Liberals, known as Reality, in order to do tag team assaults on the Conservative Movement in general.

G

God - Money and/or Campaign Donors.

H

Hate - When Liberals make fun of Conservatives. See Compassion.

I

I can't recall - You train for over a month to prepare your testimony in front of Congress and then you get nervous or something... Right...

P

People die in war, get over it! - When Blackwater murders Iraqi Civilians. See Terrorism.

Persecution - When Right Wing Christians aren't able to force their religious/political views down your throat.

Personal Responsibility - Only applies to you if you are poor.

R

Reality - An invention of the East Coast Liberals and has a strong Anti-Bush bias. Often works with a creation of the West Coast Liberals, known as Facts, in order to do tag team assaults on the Conservative Movement in general.

T

Terrorism - When Al Qaeda in Iraq murders Iraqi Civilians.

Torture - Like swimming, freestyle, backstroke.

Tough on Crime - Putting the poor and/or minorities in jail.

Traitor - A person who was right when he/she said Iraq had no WMD, that there was no Iraq-Al Qaeda link, that Rumsfeld was a failure, that things are going to smoothly over there, and so on.

V

Vice President - An enigma. Has all of the privileges, but none of the responsibilities, of the Executive Branch.

Voter Fraud - The crisis of the poor and/or minorities actually voting (GASP!).

W



W is for Waterboarding - George Bush's middle name.

Wiretapping - If you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to fear, right?

Witch Hunt - Prosecuting members of the Bush Administration.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/118slow982374.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/buffer5realpl.jpg

[accuracy]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

[accuracy]

A small white guy gets into an elevator, when he
gets in he notices a huge
black dude standing next to him. The big dude looks
down upon the small guy
and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound
right ball, Turner Brown."

The small white guy faints! The big dude picks up
the small guy, brings him
to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the
guy, "What's wrong?"

The small white guy says, "Excuse me but what did
you say?"

The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350
pounds, 20 inch dick, 3
pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is
Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said
'Turn around.'"

[accuracy]

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.


After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.


She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch... he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'.

'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'


The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

[accuracy]

DO YOU KNOW WHAT SANTA LOOKS LIKE IN SUMMER ???


http://img257.imageshack.us/img257/9333/cidf349d49ab6df4a72b6a4xs5.jpg

It sorta kills the Christmas spirit, doesn't it?

[accuracy]

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you can't handle ALL of these chickens.
Look what it's done to me! Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud.
I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs.
"You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair,
I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He's only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. The Old Rooster is squawking and running as hard as he can.
The Farmer grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - blows the Young rooster to bits.
The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,

"Dammit.....

third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, wisdom, and a little treachery always overcome youth and arrogance!

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sp20293car21.jpg

[accuracy]

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[accuracy]

Top Ten Things That Men Understand About Women
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.

[accuracy]

An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."

The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."

[accuracy]

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening."

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

"Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/spider-cat.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/ashtray.jpg

[accuracy]

There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night. A male doctor notices a female doctor from across the room. The female doctor notices also and the next thing you know, they're sitting next to each other by the end of dinner.

After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.

'Sure,' the woman says. 'Let me go wash my hands first.'

After she washes her hands, they have sex. After they are finished, she washes her hands again.

This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, 'You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.'

Angry at this remark, the woman says, 'Well, you must be an anasthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!'

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/lodj39487priso.jpg

[accuracy]

The little boy walks into his father's bedroom and
catches him putting on a condom.

He says, "What are you doing, Pop? The father
stutters "I'm going to kill a mouse, son."

The kid says, "What are you going to do, fuck him
to death?"

[accuracy]

http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/6325/scrabbleanagramstq0.th.jpg

Someone out there either has too much
spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DILIP VENGSARKAR
When you rearrange the letters:
SPARKLING DRIVE

BAR THEDA
When you rearrange the letters:
ARAB DEATH

PRINCESS DIANA
When you rearrange the letters:
END IS A CAR SPIN

MONICA LEWINSKY
When you rearrange the letters:
NICE SILKY WOMAN

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

[accuracy]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted "crazy" then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was "crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What on earth do you think you are you doing?"

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her, "..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)


http://img178.imageshack.us/img178/391/sickleavelightbulbblondnp6.gif

She said, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.

[auron]

http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/5489/lightbulbel1.gif

[accuracy]

A guy goes into the store and says to the clerk, I would like some Polish Sausage. The clerk looks at him and says "Are you Polish?"

The guy says "Well, yes I am. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian??? or if I had asked for German sausage, would you ask me if I was German??" Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican?

The clerk says "Well, no."

The guy says "Then, why do you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage????"

The clerk says "Because this is a hardware store."

[accuracy]

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride. She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style. She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the color doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'

[accuracy]

I think it may be about time to tell that kid the truth about Santa.

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/3225/surprisegiftfromsantw3.jpg

[accuracy]

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was
suddenly smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"Rack off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[accuracy]

This is a snake pulling a kangaroo out of the water. Talk about a man eater! This picture is from Western Australia . Take a careful look at this picture; see the size of the snake and the kangaroo being pulled out of the water...scroll down.


http://img100.imageshack.us/img100/1474/cid001c01c84b9c7424f6a0nk0.jpg

[accuracy]

After retiring, I went to the Centrelink Office to apply for benefits.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Centrelink Office
She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too." ;

[accuracy]

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.
She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this
was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother.
We try as often as we can.

You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to
Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your
day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's
name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must
tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee--and this hole is a monster, Mother.
540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green. I hit the
drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. It's
flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a
bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that
didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to
fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods,
grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "I was so proud of
myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, a hawk
swooped out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel and flewoff, with my ball
still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as
the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling,
and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out
of his paws and rolled to about 6 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her
chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...

"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

[accuracy]

Subject: Key to a long marriage
>
>
>>
>> At the parish's Husband's Marriage Seminar, the Priest asked Luigi, on
>> his upcoming 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share
>> some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all
>> these years.
>>
>> Luigi replied to the audience "Well, I've-a tried to treat her well,
>> spend-a da money on her, but-a...da best is-a dat I took her to Italy for
>> our 20th-anniversary!"
>>
>> The Priest immediately commented, "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration
>> to all the husbands here! Please tell the audience what you are planning
>> for your wife for your 50th anniversary..."
>>
>> Luigi proudly replied, "I'm-a gonna go and get her."
>>

[accuracy]

Subject: () Flashers

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day So she eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road.
She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two
cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.
It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.
The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled
vehicle yelling, "What is going on here?"
"My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.
"Well, what the hell are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

"Helllllooooo, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

[sunyatta60]

Brilliant Mate as always LOL

[sunyatta60]

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true. John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy.....there's that f ..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

[sunyatta60]

Subject: Adults only



At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since
both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.



The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his
fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the
river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"



All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad
passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the
man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the
best sex that he'd had in years.



They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came
upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?" There
she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to
him again.



This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing
again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in
the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman
asked, "Up or down?"



The woman replied, "Down."



A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the
river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady "Up
or down?"



She replied, "Up."



This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday,
every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad
passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"



She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought
the choices were fuck or drown."

[sunyatta60]

A man driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a
sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a
second thought....Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives
past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the
far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next
to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in
a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in
possibly doing business.... "

"Very well my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers
the door... This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go
through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway."

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through
the door pulling it shut behind him. The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.


YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.



SERVES YOU RIGHT, SINNER

[sunyatta60]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly
gates.

"In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates," Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally
pulled out a pair of women's knickers.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what
do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Holiday Season Ends before it Begins.... :)

[accuracy]

Subject: Fwd: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get
to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10



WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age b e cause you know the person
FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be
yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN
COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get
to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you
listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to
do.
- - Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T
GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like
a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

[accuracy]

My wife and I got into a conversation about life and death, and the
need for living wills. During the course of the conversation I told
her that I never wanted to exist in a vegetative state, dependent on some
machine and taking fluids from a bottle.

She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer.

Sometimes it's tough being married to a smart ass.

[accuracy]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."


You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS .

And furthermore:


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a " " BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."


3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."


4. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."


5 She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

6. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."


2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."


4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."


6. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[accuracy]

Today is International Disturbed People's Day.

Please send an encouraging message to a disturbed friend... just as I've done.

http://img141.imageshack.us/img141/2089/cid104d1b0fc04d1abac008rb3.gif

I don't care if you lick windows,
see dead people,
or occasionally pee yourself...

You hang in there sunshine,
you're Bloody special .

[accuracy]

http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/4353/cide8dd7dd5412541058216xa1.jpg

With this in mind, I bought myself a new scooter.

I wanted something that was easy on gas and could zip me to the store and about town.

This seems to meet my EVERY need.

I love it!


http://img513.imageshack.us/img513/1392/cid6c4bfad526f243f490a2ek2.jpg

Remember:

Senior Citizens Are Valuable:

We are more valuable than any:


Of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.

We have gold in our teeth.

We have stones in our kidneys.

We have lead in our feet and.

We are loaded with natural gas

[accuracy]

In the UK the public voted on which laws they thought were the craziest, ridiculous, stupidest or dumbest at home and around the rest of the world. The results are below:

http://img127.imageshack.us/img127/6049/crazystupiddumblawsallooi6.jpg

Most ridiculous laws in Britain:

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter

6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen

8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow


Most ridiculous laws around the rest of the world:

1. In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk

2. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation

3. In Bahrain, a male doctor can only examine the genitals of a woman in the reflection of a mirror

4. In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm

5. In Alabama, it is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle

6. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed

7. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth

8. In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except funerals or hospital visits

9. In Japan, there is no age of consent

10. In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/wro4958turn3.jpg

[accuracy]

The judge asked the defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering
a school teacher with a chain saw."

From out in the gallery, a man shouts, "Lying bastard!"

"Silence in the court!" the Judge says to the man who shouted.

He turns to be defendant and says, "You are also charged with killing a jogger with
a shovel."

"Damn tightwad!" the same man in the gallery blurted out.

"I said QUIET!" yelled the judge.

To the defendant, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You four-flusher!" the man from the gallery yelled.

The judge thundered at the man in the galley, "If you don't tell me right now the reasons
for your outbursts I'll hold you in contempt!"

The man answered, "I've lived next door to that man for ten years now, and he never
had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

[accuracy]

On his way out of church after mass, Frank stopped at the door to speak to the minister. “Would it be right,” he asked, “for a person to profit from the mistakes of another?”
“Absolutely not!” replied the pastor, disappointed that Frank would even ask such a question.
“In that case,” said the young man, “I wonder if you’d consider returning the hundred dollars I paid you to marry my wife and me last July.”

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/desise455er.jpg

[sensimillia]

http://img172.imageshack.us/img172/9308/twistedmouseqy5.jpg

:D

[karma19]

I was in a bit of a bad mood until I came on here today. Thanks to you all for making me laugh:)

[sensimillia]

http://img246.imageshack.us/img246/6796/dontwanton4.jpg

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/6901/soonwy1.jpg

http://img181.imageshack.us/img181/7319/scarystreetlc0.jpg

:D

[dmessick]

Mmmmmmmmmm Coookkkieeee!

[accuracy]

I was in a bit of a bad mood until I came on here today. Thanks to you all for making me laugh:)


It's a good thread with others pitchin in :D karma 19

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/41begger8723987.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/520crushed2349058.jpg

[accuracy]

The soldiers are tired and lonely after spending weeks in enemy territory. To entertain them, the Major called for this sexy dancer from the nearby town.

She came, danced and when the first dance was done, the soldiers went mad. They clapped for 5 minutes.

For her second number, she stripped and danced in sheer bra and G string. This time the applause went for 10 minutes.

The next number she danced topless, and this time the applause went on and on. The Major had to come on stage and ask them to quiet down for the grand finale.

For her last number, she was to strip completely and dance naked. The Major expected the soldiers to make enough noise to bring the roof down. But ten minutes later, there is no clapping and the dancer comes backstage.

The Major asks her, "What happened? How come there was no clapping this time?"

She replied with a wicked smile, "Major, how do you expect those poor boys to clap with one hand?"

[accuracy]

>
> A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
> She had just started playing her first round of golf
> When she suffered a bee sting.
> Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
> To the clubhouse for help and to complain.
>
> Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and
> Asked,
>
> 'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'
>
> 'I was stung by a bee',
>
> she said.
>
> 'Where',
>
> he asked.
>
> 'Between the first and second hole',
>
> she replied.
>
> He nodded knowingly and said,
> 'Then your stance is too wide.'
>

[accuracy]

Female Compassion (NEVER TO BE UNDERESTIMATED)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third really beautiful woman came up to him and said "Have you ever been f*#ked?"

The fellow said "No."

She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/1908tab.jpg

[accuracy]

Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.

Time is the best teacher, but unfortunately, it kills all of its students. - Robin Williams

Men are like parking spots, the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack. -- Demetri Martin

Fortune favours the prepared.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment. -- Dave Allen

I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.

In politics, if you want anything said ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman. -- Margaret Thatcher

Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his. -- General George Patton

If at first you don't succeed, the skydiving definitely isn't for you.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. - Groucho Marx

There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.

I don't care what is written about me as long as it isn't true. - Katherine Hepburn

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/203cheating90237490.jpg

[accuracy]

One day, down in the mystical forest, a magical frog was hopping towards a water hole. The forest was so enormous that the frog had never laid eyes on another animal before. But today, by chance a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop and said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant both of you three wishes. Bear, you can go first." The bear thought for a moment, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, apart from me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and roared the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for such idiotic items, because after all, he could have asked for money and bought the bike.

For the last wish the bear thought for a while and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, apart from me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, roared the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[nickatnoon61]

Only In Florida

A little old lady was sitting o n a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community. A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."
"So, where were you all these years?"
"In prison," he says.
"Why did they put you in prison?"
He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman."So you're single."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another.

As the meal went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered the courage to ask her, "Will you marry ?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes, Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"

He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more
courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say No"?

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."


* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A man was telling his neighbor in Sun City Center, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor at the local Medical Clinic to get a physical.

A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

"Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful. Morris replied.

To which doctor said, "I didn't say that, Morris. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!"
&nb sp;
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
& nbsp;

A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice creamparlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No, he replied,arthritis."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/525crabs987396.jpg

[accuracy]

There's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like an old salt, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and the bird's foul mouth is driving him nuts.

One day, it just gets to be too much and the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.


Then the guy gets angry and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would
make a sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets very quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird meekly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on." The man is astounded and amazed at the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the CHICKEN DO?"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/41mural4354351.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/The_real_pope.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Nota-Good-Idea.jpg

[accuracy]

At first glance it looked o.k. then I looked again. Hmmmmm…..

http://img165.imageshack.us/img165/7005/cid9abb7e7bb45349079186ws8.jpg

You figure it out . I've got a headache.

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Wedding-Cake-Ornament.jpg

[accuracy]

THE PENIS STUDY

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they
concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft
was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do they're own study.



After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head
was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.



Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own
study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer,
they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and
hitting himself in the forehead.

[accuracy]

Australian Oil Crisis Explained

A lot of people can't understand how we came
To have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~

Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
Bass Strait
~~~
East Queensland Shale Fields
~~~
Canning Basin
~~~
Perth Basin
and
North-West Continental Shelf
~~~


Our
DIPSTICKS
Are located in
Canberra!!!

Any Questions ???
NO?
I didn't Think So.


American Oil Crisis Explained

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.
~~~
Well, there's a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn't know we were getting low.
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
Our OIL is located in
~~~
ALASKA
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington,DC !!!

Any Questions ???

[accuracy]

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.
The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody Showed UP!"

[accuracy]

Were You Cool in School? Take the Test......



This is a pretty cool test, check it out.

This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what crowd you ran with, etc., it's pretty accurate.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

LET'S SEE IF YOU ARE A COOL PERSON: It only Takes 1min


http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2002/cool_test.htm

[accuracy]

OK here's the rules.. Think up a movie title (ANY movie title), and add "Between Your Legs" to the movie title.
See if you can come up with any more!!



You Can't Stop The Music Between Your Legs

Forest gump between your legs

The good, the bad and the ugly between your legs

Rush Hour Between Your Legs

Gone with the wind Between your legs

Finding Nemo Between your legs

Mad MAx Between your legs

Armageddon Between your legs

300 Between your legs

Dirty Dancing Between your legs...

Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure Between Your Legs

Midnight Express Between your legs

Training Day Between your legs

Cruel Intentions Between your Legs

Final Fantasy Between your legs

The Abyss Between your legs

Groundhog Day Between Your Legs

Blow between your legs

48 Hours Between Your Legs

The Fly between your legs

The Lost Boys between your legs

Gladiator between your legs!

I Know What You Did Last Summer between your legs!

Better Off Dead between your legs!

SNATCH between your legs!

The Mexican between your legs!

Dirty Dancing between your legs!

How to make an American Quilt between your legs!

The Nightmare before Christmas between your legs!

First Blood between your legs!

[accuracy]

The Thing Between Your Legs
Hard Candy between your legs
Heat between your legs
Scarface between your legs
Virus Between Your Legs
Jaws between Your Legs
Salo: 120 days of Sodom Between Your Legs
The Sword in The Stone between Your Legs
Death Wish between Your Legs
The Getaway Between Your Legs
Deliverance between Your Legs
Kiss Kiss bang bang between Your Legs

[accuracy]

Finally someone has cleared this up for me ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a Convenience Store, a Service Station, a Kebab Shop or a Takeaway Cafe in Australia.

If there is nothing there, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers who live in Australia.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/overlos937truck.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/we24lsa.jpg

[chattanova]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/we24lsa.jpg

http://img30.picoodle.com/img/img30/4/1/19/f_x1pAiu4hyfym_f5b9b2b.jpg:D:D:D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/91cofee294879.jpg

[accuracy]

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Children_s_Entertainer.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Lightning_fireworks.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: HOW to protect ur ATM cash ...Worth a read!!

>> Worth a read!! don't know how true it really is, but worth
>> keeping
>>in mind
>>
>>
>> PIN NUMBER REVERSAL (GOOD TO KNOW)
>>
>> If you should ever be forced by a robber to withdraw money from an
>>ATM
>>
>> machine, you can notify the police by entering your Pin # in
>>reverse.
>>
>> For example if your pin number is 1234 then you would put in 4321.
>>
>> The ATM recognizes that your pin number is backwards from the
>>
>> ATM card you placed in the machine.
>>
>>
>> The machine will still give you the money you requested, but
>>unknown
>>to the robber,
>>
>> the police will be immediately dispatched to help you.
>>
>> This information was recently broadcasted on TV and it states that
>>it
>>is
>>
>> seldom used because people don't know it exists.
>>
>>
>> Please pass this along to everyone possible.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>

[accuracy]

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING


DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE -GUM !!


http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/5893/cid004d01c859b0aa28b5d0mj8.jpg

[accuracy]

Prayer Wanted

As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, "Anyone here know how to pray?"
One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets - we're one short."

[accuracy]

http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/5417/birdattackda2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/290.jpg

[accuracy]

Concerned husband goes to see the family doctor and says, "I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time I say something, in fact, I often have to repeat things over and over again."

"Well," the doctor replies, "go home and tonight and stand about 15 feet from her and say something. If she doesn't reply, move about five feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so we can get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen and as she is chopping some vegetables, he says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response. He moves about five feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves five feet closer.
Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/132chang132.jpg

[accuracy]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing
cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will
warm them up.' The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,
'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.'

The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will
warm it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and
he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a
penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one hell of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?!

[accuracy]

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

'We can't drive.'

'Then why did you buy it?'

'We were told that if we bought a Used car here we'd get screwed ..so we're just waiting.

[accuracy]

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!

SCROLL DOWN............









NOW SCROLL UP..


That's enough for the first day. Great job. Have a beer .

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/559roomate0398096.jpg

[accuracy]

Bragging

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

[serpentoffire]

Bragging

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an American on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "And this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "And this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Italians do it better :D

[accuracy]

Italians do it better :D

I won't argue with that!;)

[accuracy]

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leave her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. They ask, "So, Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

[accuracy]

World Clock

While the actual numbers cannot be precise the rates of change are what is most interesting.

(NB During January, the number of days passed is the same as the number of days passed in the year so far. So the counts will be the same.)


http://www.peterrussell.com/Odds/WorldClock.php

[accuracy]

"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.

"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

[accuracy]

Estate planning





Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father dies, he decided he needed a wife with which he could share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. 'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, 'but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men

[accuracy]

Love the Irish

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?'

'No bother' he says and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.

'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'

'Fook off you liar!'

'I'll prove it' Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of them, Paddy?'

'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?'

[accuracy]

To be continued at The Unhived Mind.

Cheers:)

[greenleaf]

Did you here about the girl who fell into a sespit...
she couldn't swim, but she went through the motions.


*******************


Girl goes to church crying and says 'Father I have just been felt up'
Father feels her up and says 'Like That', she replies 'Yes'
'And he ripped my dress off' so the Father ripped her dress of and said 'Like That',
she said 'Yes' 'And he threw me to the floor and had me',
so the Father threw her to the floor and started giving her one and said 'Like This',
she said 'Yes'
The Father said..'So whats the problem?'
the girl replies.. 'He give me VD!'.


********************

How is Diariah like coloured blindness...

It runs in your genes.

[greenleaf]

Do you know what a Tiger is?
A 500lb pussy that eats you!.

:p
*************

Three nuns walking down the street and a streaker shows up

The first one has a stroke... the second one had a stroke... the third one

didn't touch him.
;)
*************

What do you call a woman who always knows where her hubby is?
A Widow.
:eek:
*************

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/veritmatematica.gif

[greenleaf]

http://img402.imageshack.us/img402/6169/mansremoteds3.jpg (http://imageshack.us):D

[rasnalgoul]

GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING


DO NOT SWALLOW BUBBLE -GUM !!



hahahahahahaha

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/Perserkatze.jpg

[serpentoffire]

http://i241.photobucket.com/albums/ff118/serpentoffire/BD1052-Interruttore.jpg

[accuracy]

:cool:

Just bumping this rapidly buried thread.

:rolleyes:

[accuracy]

Alcohol Quotes

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

[father ted]

Will one of the mods please put accuracy out of his misery and just sticky this thread? For the love of humanity:)

[accuracy]

Will one of the mods please put accuracy out of his misery and just sticky this thread? For the love of humanity:)

Shit! That'll be ok, gee thanks for you're support, father ted, and maybe George Bush pics, too??
:)

accuracy...............................:D:D:D

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Grandma






Don't ask Grandma silly questions



Lawyers should never ask grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked; "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you're a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs.. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and in a quiet voice said:

"If either of you asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[accuracy]

Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer: A white one...



=================================

Customer: Hi, this is Celine I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....

=================================

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?

=================================



Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.

=================================

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...



=================================



Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.


=================================

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.

=================================



Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...

=================================



Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?

=================================

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.

=================================

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.

=================================

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

=================================

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?

=================================

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."

============================== ===

And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don 't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/aiming98high23.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/fal39carefll.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bck49tocshool.jpg

[accuracy]

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building.

A young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

A couple of floors later, another young and beautiful woman, smelling like expensive perfume, gets into the elevator. She turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination. As she exits the elevator, she peers at both women, bends over and farts, then bellows, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/some938thingf34.jpg

[accuracy]

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, But we don't know anything about each other.

He said, That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning they were laying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, That was incredible!

He said, I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along.

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and lay down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?

No. she said, I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal.

[accuracy]

SORRY I HAVEN'T EMAILED FOR A WHILE, MY CAR NEEDED WASHING AGAIN.

I WENT TO THE CAR WASH DOWNTOWN AND I HAD TO HAVE THEM REWASH THE

CAR 3 TIMES...

THEY KEPT MISSING SPOTS... SO IF YOU DON'T HEAR FROM ME FOR A WEEK OR MORE

YOU'LL KNOW WHERE I AM. .



http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/2475/cid002701c86e9830bb8860za6.jpg

Off To the car wash again!!!

[accuracy]

1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make love they produce amounts of the hormone oestrogen, which makes hair shine and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow. =============

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.
=============

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps, or jogging 20 blocks and you don't need special sneakers!
=============

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression It releases endorphins into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

=============

6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
=============


7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
=============

8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay, preventing plaque build-up.
=============
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
=============

10. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural antihistamine. It can help combat asthma and hay fever.

[serpentoffire]

http://www.bastardidentro.it/node/view/30429

[serpentoffire]

http://www.bastardidentro.it/misc/bastardidentro/data/images/img_1526598de8f0e75ba640b37a29af4cbc1173107393.jpg

[serpentoffire]

http://www.bastardidentro.it/node/view/3897

[mad as a cat]

...send him this !!!

Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic.

Secretly...guys feel left out. That's right...left out.
There's no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation
for the men in their lives. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too
embarrassed to admit it.
This is why a new holiday has been created.

March 20th is now officially 'Steak, Blow job & Shut the **** Up Day.'
Simple, effective and self-explanatory...this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him.
No cards, no flowers, no flashy gifts, no special nights on the town.
The name of the holiday explains it all...just a steak, a BJ, & shut your mouth for the rest of the day! That's it!

This twin pairing of Valentine's Day and Steak, Blow job & Shut the ****
Up Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT
much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March!

It's like a Perpetual love machine.
The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a
little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help
bring love and peace to this crazy world.

Happy Valentines everyone!

http://www.feebleminds-gifs.com/love.gif

[mad as a cat]

A' coorse ah love ye darlin'
Ye're a bloody tap notch burd
An' when ah say ye're gorgeous
Ah mean iv'ry single word
So yer bum is oan the big side
Ah don't mind a bit o flab.
It means that whin ah'm ready
There's somethin' therr tae grab.
So yer belly isny flat nae merr
Ah tell ye, ah don't cerr.
So long as when ah cuddle ye
I cin get mah erms roon' therr.
Nae wummin wha is your age
Hiz nice roon' perky breasts.
They jist gave in tae gravity
Bit ah know ye did yer best.
Ah'm tellin ye the truth noo
Ah nivir tell ye lies.
Ah think its very sexy
Thit ye've goat dimples oan yer thighs.
Ah swerr oan mah grannies grave noo
The moment thit we met.
Ah thocht ye wiz as guid as
Ah wiz ivir goanie get.
Nae maitter whit ye look like
Ah'll aywiz love ye dear.
Noo shut up while the fitba's oan
An' fetch anither beer !!!!!!!

:D

[mad as a cat]

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.


When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these just won't do.
Cause yo're way too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds.......

IT'S A NEW TROLLIN' MOTOR!!

:D

[mad as a cat]

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push
pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut
for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6 . Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by
cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while
forcing wooden ruler into mouth Drop pill down ruler and
rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth
and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with
head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking
straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm
and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open
another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck,
to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon.
Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door
back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,
drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to
disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and
fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across
the road and up a tree. Apologize to neighbor who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap

13. Tie the little b*****d's front paws to rear paws with garden
twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty
pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically
and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to
the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers
and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and
call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

how to give a dog a pill


1. wrap it in bacon
2. toss it in the air

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/fr0394us39cond.jpg

[accuracy]

James was on the beach, and could not understand why Bob had attracted all the girls, while he had no luck. So he asked Rich "why do you get all the girls and I get nothing?"
Bob replied "take a potato and tuck it in your swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"

So James stuffed a potato in his suit and paraded up and down the beach. Several hours later, he still had no woman.

James went to see Bob again and said "I've tried the potato and it doesn't work!"

Bob looked at James and asked, "have you tried putting the potato in the front?"

[accuracy]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

[accuracy]

A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had screwed around on her. She proceeded to cut his penis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.

The penis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."

Her father said, "Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."

His daughter said, "Wow, that bug really had a huge dick!"

[accuracy]

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"

And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

[accuracy]

One day, an old lady went to the store to get some food for her dog.

When she got to the counter to pay, the cashier said she needed proof that the old lady had a dog because some old people have been known to just eat the animal food themselves. So she went home got her puppy, bought it to the store and purchased the dog food.

One week later, she went to get some cat food. Once again the cashier needed proof that the old lady had a cat. So she went home, got her cat, came back and purchased the cat food.

Two weeks later, the old lady walked in the same market to buy something . She held a bag in front of the cashier and told him to put his fingers in the bag and then smell them. When the cashier did, he said, "It smells like poop!"

The old lady replied, "Can I buy some toilet paper now?"

[accuracy]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

[rynath]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jqgr4UUqdNg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/h34me.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/180fart2398749.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Cause_of_tsunami.jpg

[accuracy]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat. His wife, seeing the unexpected behaviour, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm getting a tetanus shot."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/pas5345res.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/slepro39around.jpg

[accuracy]

An exhausted looking blonde dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blonde answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blonde wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill!"

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/Banned_From_K-Mart.jpg

[accuracy]

A guy took his dog to the park. when he got to the park, his dog wandered around. later on he went home with his dog. two weeks later, his neighbour who happened to go to the park the same day came and knocked on his door.he neighbour said his dog impregnated her dog. the guy replied and said, it is not my dog's fault, your dog never said no or asked my dog to use a condom.

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/last_picture.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/learnchinese.jpg

[accuracy]

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachie."

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as often since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee, a printout, or whatever, slap yourself at random the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN".

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza, donuts, or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."

15) Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.

[accuracy]

Bad Things to Hear on an Airplane

10. This is your captain speaking and I don't feel that life is worth living anymore.
9. We're cruising at an altitude of... ah, hell, I don't know.
8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button does?
7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.
6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep 'em coming!
5. This is...uh...this is...uh...your...hmm. I seem to have lost my memory.
4. Passengers on the left side of the plane -- does that engine sound funny to you?
3. Welcome aboard flight 109 -- you bunch of jerks!
2. Good God, Steve! We're going to crash! Oops -- is this intercom on?
1. We'll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another.

[accuracy]

http://img255.imageshack.us/img255/1043/cid001301c871eff81e0ae0yz5.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: royal flush

Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding, which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to
their room, she flopped on the bed and said, 'Charles, darling, please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!'


Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.


'Harder!' yelled Camilla.


'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'


'Come on! Give it all you've got!' she cried.


Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, 'There! Oh, God, that feels so good!'


In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, 'See? I told you with a face like that, she was still a virgin!'


Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, 'Oh, God,darling! This one's even tighter!'


At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, 'That's my boy: once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

[accuracy]

Men Are Like...

Men are like a deck of cards....


You need a heart to love them
A Diamond to marry them
A Club to beat them
And a spade to bury the bastards

[accuracy]

Important Advice

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/imporo34qdvice.jpg

[accuracy]

Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He`s an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You`re back at work on Monday.

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: A blonde teacher

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy on the field stood



by himself while the other kids are running around having fun. She

takes pity on him and decides to speak to him "



You ok?" she says.



"Yes" he says.



"You can play with the other kids ya know."



"Its best if I stay here" he says. "Why?" says the teacher.



The boy says "Because Im the fucking goalie!"

[accuracy]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ...



The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet
someone and you both have sex until you are
blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for
a short time and you are so needy you will have
sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a
long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you
usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too
long. When you pass each other in the hallway you
both say ... 'Fuck You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called .. Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the
afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is cal led . . Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She
takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And ... Last .. But not least ...

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

[accuracy]

Hot Forecast

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ho38484forcats2.jpg

[father ted]

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/learnchinese.jpg

Cheep but funny!

I once saw a very low budget movie called "kung fooey" and it had these characters, a fat guy called Wan Tan and a skinny guy called Lo Fat. The main character was called "Art Choo".

[randyt]

A Message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except California, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be eliminated.

Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

3. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds
or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.

13. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

16. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God save the Queen.

--John Cleese--

http://www.thejohncleese.com/


:D

[accuracy]

I AM

A black preacher and a white preacher went on a hillside to find out if God was black or white. The white preacher askes, "God, are you black or white"? God responds, "I Am that I Am". The white preacher says "He's white". The black preacher says, "Why do you say that"?! The white preacher says, "If He were black, He would have said, 'I Is that I Is'".

[accuracy]

Blonde Hiking

One day a blonde is hiking in the woods. She follows the trail until she comes upon a river. As she is thinking how she can get across the river; another blonde appears on the opposite side.
The blonde yells to the other blonde "How do I get to the other side?"
The other blonde looks up and then down the river and yells back:
"You are on the other side!"

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: A Blonde's Year in Review

> >
> > A Blonde's Year in Review
> >
> > January
> > Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
> >
> > February
> > Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....
> > Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
> >
> > March
> > Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4
> > years!'
> >
> > April
> > Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
> >
> > May
> > Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of
> > water won't fit into those little packets!!!
> >
> > June
> > Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
> >
> > July
> > Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,
> > the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
> >
> > August
> > Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top
> > was open.
> >
> > September
> > The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
> >
> > October
> > Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
> >
> > November
> > Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I
> > weigh 108!!
> >
> > December
> > Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
> > phone!!!
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > ï¿1/2ï¿1/2
> > ï¿1/2
> > THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
> >
> > A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his blonde female neighbor
> > came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.
> >
> > She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.
> >
> > A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and
> > again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
> > went.
> >
> > As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
> > marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
> > ever.
> >
> > Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong'
> >
> > To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'
> >
> >
> >
> > (Are you ready This is a beauty...)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > 'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
>
>
>
> -------------

[accuracy]

IKEA PRESS RELEASE

Media Release:

Important news......













IKEA have just purchased the Mitsubishi factory and will include cars for sale in their 2008 catalogue !
IKEA has announced its intention to start selling cars.


http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/7300/cidfdb6f9055f834e64bda6pj8.jpg

AND ALL YOU NEED-

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/2451/cid1728e2358c6d4aaebf39dk8.jpg

[nickatnoon61]

IKEA PRESS RELEASE

Media Release:

Important news......













IKEA have just purchased the Mitsubishi factory and will include cars for sale in their 2008 catalogue !
IKEA has announced its intention to start selling cars.


http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/7300/cidfdb6f9055f834e64bda6pj8.jpg

AND ALL YOU NEED-

http://img444.imageshack.us/img444/2451/cid1728e2358c6d4aaebf39dk8.jpg Now that's Swedish for "common sense"!!! accuracy, yer a jokester!!!

[accuracy]

Speeding Blonde


One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Miss... Could I see your driver's license?"

"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet" replied the officer.

After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration... What's that?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment..." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration.

After a few moments, the dispatcher came back; "Is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes...." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Yes" replied the cop.

"Here's what you have to do..." Said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What? I can't do that. It's inappropriate!" exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me... Just do it..." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs "Oh no... Not ANOTHER breathalyzer!"

[accuracy]

Curious Indian Boy

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?

"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."

"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?

"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."

"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?

"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived. Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: stage of life

>
>
> Creation .
>
>
>
> On the first day, God created the dog and said:
>
> 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in
> or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
>
> The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
> and I'll give you back the other ten?'
>
> So God agreed.
>
> On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
>
> 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give
> you a twenty-year life span.'
>
> The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
> time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
>
> And God agreed.
>
> On the third day, God created the cow and said:
>
> 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
> the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For
> this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
>
> The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
> years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
>
> And God agreed again.
>
> On the fourth day, God created man and said:
>
> 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you
> twenty years.'
>
> But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty,
> the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
> the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
>
> 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
>
> So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
> ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
> family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
> grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and
> bark at everyone.
>
> Life has now been explained to you.
>
>

[accuracy]

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the

Director how do you determine whether or not a patient
should be institutionalized.



"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him

or her to empty the bathtub."


"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon
or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"



ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE ?.

[accuracy]

Circle Illusion

If you continue to focus on the cross in the center of the image you will notice that ...

the circle of violet circles will soon DISAPPEAR completely .. and you will see only the green spot (which is actually violet)


http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/ama928cirecle3.gif

[accuracy]

Praying And Sleeping

Two men arrive at the Pearly Gates at about the same time, both wanting to know if they will be admitted to heaven. St. Peter asks the first man his name, where he is from, and what he did in life.

The man answers that he is John Smith and that he was a taxi driver in New York City.

St. Peter looks through his book, then gives the man a luxurious silken robe and a golden staff, and bids him welcome into heaven for his eternal reward.

St. Peter then asks the second man the same questions. He replies that his name is Thomas O’Malley, and that he was a Catholic priest in Chicago. St. Peter looks in his book, then gives him a cotton robe and a wooden staff, and bids him to enter into heaven for his eternal reward.

Father O’Malley says, Wait a minute! Why did that taxi driver get a silken robe and golden staff while I, a Catholic Priest and a man of God, got a cotton robe and wooden staff?

St. Peter told him that the rewards in heaven are based on results, and while Father O’Malley preached, people slept, but while John Smith drove, people prayed!

[chattanova]

http://img37.picoodle.com/img/img37/4/2/25/f_bestofferm_61b9345.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: Bad Start to the Day sir.........

>
>
>
> How the fight started:
>
> I rear-ended a car on the roundabout at Ballybrit this morning on the
> way to work.
>
> I knew right then and there that it was going to be a wild bad day.
>
> The driver got out of the other car and wouldn't you know it, he was
> a F**kin
> dwarf.
>
> He stormed over to my car, looked up at me and said 'I'm NOT f*#%ing
> happy!'
>
> So I said 'Well, which f*#%ing one are you then?'
>
> And that's how the fight started......
>
>

[accuracy]

Bucking Blonde

This blonde had a near death experience the other day.

She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.
She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.
She started screaming, and was in great pain.

Then the wal-mart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.

[accuracy]

Marriage

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

[rynath]

Screencleaner

http://cache.valleywag.com/assets/resources/screenclean.swf

[rynath]

You had a bad day...

http://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=baddayoffice