A humour thread

[fresco]

http://www.fstdt.com/funnyimages/uploads/386.jpg

[fresco]

http://www.clipsta.com/data/FunnyPart-com-never_fart_in_wet_suit.jpg

[lydia78]

http://www.fstdt.com/funnyimages/uploads/386.jpg

hahaha....a true holy war!!:D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/9a1.jpg

[accuracy]

Husband's Compliments

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

[accuracy]

Confusion

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor's office to collect his wife's test results.

The lab tech says to him, "I'm sorry, sir, but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife's. Frankly, that's either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, one Mrs. Smith has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your wife."

"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" asked Mr. Smith.

"Normally, yes. But you have an HMO, and they won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The HMO recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her."

[accuracy]

http://media1.yourdailymedia.com/images/JX1C7EwC.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzmovie.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzofficeparty.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/imagepages/381.htm

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzsavethecat.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzsmile_cat.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzsweaterpenguins.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzwalrusworkout.jpg

[fuknut]

http://veryfunnypics.com/pics/animals/images/zzzwannafight2cd.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/bmwpricelessBMW.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelessapaint.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelesscat.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/imagepages/16.htm

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelesshats.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelessmowing.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelessracecar.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/priceless/images/pricelessxcatdog.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/beerforbabies.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/bigglass.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/camouflagedcokeadicts.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/carrotfamily.jpg

[tinmenace]

http://img71.imageshack.us/img71/3236/viewsg6.jpg

This is just wrong...:eek:

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/chinesefood.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/doritos.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/eggs.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/flamegrillburger.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/hotdogs.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/KRC.JPG

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/mcdonalds.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/mrandmrscaroot.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/notchicken.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/nothingcheck.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/robotlobster.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/snailgetaway.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/imagepages/70.htm

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/food/images/znoodles.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/airbags.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/aspottingarichguy.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/awomansbestfriend.JPG

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/badday.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/beer.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/bleachedblonde.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/images/bluescreen.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/gender/imagepages/30.htm

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/work/images/quitcomplaining2.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/work/images/salary.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/work/images/shit.jpg

[fuknut]

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/pics/work/images/sleepwhileworking.jpg

[accuracy]

Fw: Scots Revenge

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand.

The Scotsman man shouts " Awa ye feel hoor that âs full Oâ coos Sharn"


(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow shit.)

The man shouts back "I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you!"

The Scotsman man shouts back "Use both hands, you'll get more in!"

[accuracy]

Subject: Northern Territory Etiquette


1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's tacky to take an esky to church
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take the trailer to the funeral home.
DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.
PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using ones OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Use of toiletries can only delay bathing a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, as it detracts from woman's jewellery and alters the taste of finger foods.
DATING (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
3.Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATRE ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4.Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun's loaded and the roo's in sight.
2. When approaching a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest tyres doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to also bring back beer.

[accuracy]

Meatballs

A tourist is in Spain, and goes to a fancy restaurant for dinner. As he looks around, he notices a diner being served a beautifully garnished dish with two gigantic meatballs in the middle. When the waiter asks him for his order, the man asks him about the meatball dish. The waiter explains that the meatballs are bull's testicles, and when the bull loses the bullfight, the bull is brought to the restaurant, and this beautiful dish is made.

The diner tells the waiter that he wants the bulls testicles for dinner, but the waiter tells him that only one bull a day is brought to the restaurant, but he can have it tommorrow. The diner agrees. The next day the diner goes to the restaurant, and orders the testicle dish. When his food is brought out, he notices that the meatballs are extremely small. He mentions this to the waiter, and the waiter replies, ''Well sir you have to understand, sometimes the bull wins''.

[accuracy]

Something Manly

A commercial ad:)

http://www.jokesgallery.com/joke.php?joke=4711&id=1

[accuracy]

How To Remove Scratches from a CD


http://img3.ifilmpro.com/resize/image/stills/films/resize/istd/2887043.jpg?width=130

Viral Videos - Would you believe that you can use a banana to remove scratches from your CDs? It's true!

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2887043/subchannel/viralvideo

[chattanova]

http://img35.picoodle.com/img/img35/9/8/26/f_CropCirclesm_0f64baf.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0231.jpg

[accuracy]

Cheating Statue

A woman and her lover are in bed together when the husband comes home. The woman jumps up, shoves the guy in a corner of the bedroom, rubs him down in baby oil and covers him in talcum powder.

"Don't move! You're a statue!"

The husband comes up to the bedroom and inquires about the new decoration. The wife explains that the Smith family next door acquired a statue for their bedroom recently, and if they could get one, so could she.

The married couple go to bed, but at midnight the husband goes downstairs, gets a glass of milk and some cookies, and comes back upstairs. He hands the snack to the statue and says, "Here. I stood around for 3 days at the Smiths', and they never fed me a thing!"

[accuracy]

Sidewalk drawings

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/sidewalk_drawings.jpg

http://www.extremefunnyhumor.com/pics/sidewalk_drawings_1.jpg

[accuracy]

How To Open a Bottle of Wine Without a Corkscrew

http://img2.ifilmpro.com/resize/image/stills/films/resize/istd/2888584.jpg

What would you do if your date brings over a bottle of wine but you don't have a corkscrew?

http://www.ifilm.com/video/2888584/subchannel/viralvideo

[accuracy]

http://img413.imageshack.us/img413/3461/actualchurchwindowor1.jpg

[father ted]

Your kidding!?:eek: Is that actually real? I can't believe it!

[lydia78]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0231.jpg

LOL....Kitty's got balls!!!hahaha, great picture:):D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/adul393garden.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sharpedges.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/stre837young.jpg

[accuracy]

Geography Of Men & Women

The GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like Italy. Gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 13 and 80 a man is like the US - ruled by a dick.

[accuracy]

Falling Asleep

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

[accuracy]

Mabster Last Present

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed and told him: "Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me".

The grandson replies: "But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead".

The don, angry, answers: "You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'TIMES UP'"?

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/48safety50968.jpg

[accuracy]

Employment excitement

Centre link = Social security

An aboriginal walks into the local Centre link office in Broome, marches straight up to the counter and mumbles, "'ey, you fella.... I don' wanna be on dole. I wanna job."

The clerk behind the Centre link desk says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur / bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $60,000 a year."

The aboriginal bloke says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The Centre link officer says, "Yeah well, you started it."

[accuracy]

Names On The Wall

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.

"What is this?" Alex asked.

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.

"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/417.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img29.picoodle.com/img/img29/9/8/29/f_60944025m_bbfd422.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img31.picoodle.com/img/img31/9/8/29/f_hungrymandem_3cb159c.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img36.picoodle.com/img/img36/9/8/29/f_divinesightm_3bb7d50.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img33.picoodle.com/img/img33/9/8/29/f_howthem_c2deb2f.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img35.picoodle.com/img/img35/9/8/30/f_newsheepledm_ab5de62.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/108WorstResortNameEver5108.jpg

[accuracy]

Making Donuts

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

[auron]

http://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gif

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/24573/2000149123179367988_rs.jpg

[accuracy]

http://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gifhttp://forum.everyonedoesit.co.uk/images/smilies/smilies3/hijacked2.gif

http://aycu14.webshots.com/image/24573/2000149123179367988_rs.jpg


A very nice forum.

[accuracy]

Who's Penis Is it?

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[tinmenace]

Who's Penis Is it?

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball,
suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.

He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my
husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit.

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Yikes! :D

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: friday

Exchange Rates.............

An Asian woman goes into a bank in Perth and begins exchanging her money.

After the transaction is complete she asks the teller,

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar of my money,

Today I only get a hunat eighty?"

The teller says very slowly, "Fluctuations."

The Asian woman says, "Fluc you Ozzies too."

[accuracy]

Divorce

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

[accuracy]

Jesus At The Bar

An Irish man, an Australian man and a Scouser all in a bar.

Just as they were all enjoying their beers, the scouser looks up and says to the others "damn, thats jesus!".

So with that they all buy jesus a drink. The Irish man buys him a guinness, the Australian buys him a fosters, and the scouser buys him a bitter.

After Jesus drinks all his beers he goes to the group to shake their hands.

He shakes the Irish man's hand and with that gives off a yell of relief, "Hell jesus, that bad back i've had all my life has just gone". He shakes the Australian man's hand and he also gives off a yell, "That Arthritis i've had for 20 years has just disappeared!".

Jesus goes to shake the Scousers who says, "Fuck off, i'm on disability".

[accuracy]

Lamaze Class

A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn’t feel so bad.”

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.

“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?” the husband asked.

“Exactly,” replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “Honey, pick up that pen for me.”

[accuracy]

Retirement Home

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?”

He replies,”It died today.”

“Oh that’s terrible!”, the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, “I thought it died yesterday.”

The man replies, “It did. Today is the viewing”

[chattanova]

http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/9/9/3/f_churchdeesm_8adbec6.jpg

[fresco]

http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/people/funny-politican.jpg

[fresco]

http://skins.hotbar.com/skins/mailskins/fun/100002/100002_8_Funny%20picture_prv.jpg

[accuracy]

Why Men Shouldn't Iron

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CDTBYGDi-A

[chattanova]

http://www.funny-games.biz/pictures/people/funny-politican.jpg

:D:D

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=bDXePmC1bu8

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0Hy3d6-pOyg

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=CQYE_2GV7Iw

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UKeDWCLajQk

:D

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=leEsz9ci5XE

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=8yTbL93RrzY

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=o5nZcFIf3qc

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=C9_yv1m9jN8

[accuracy]

Ancient Speeding

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/speein39donk.jpg

[accuracy]

Any Female Workers?

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/246cleaners230897239847.jpg

[accuracy]

Bar Phrases (And Translations)

"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next round is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
(I'm easy.)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
(I'm gay.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
(I'm really easy.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
(I'm really gay.)

"Ever try a body shot?" (Female To Male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what I'll do to you in bed?)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
(I'm horny.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)

[accuracy]

Brown Balls

The father of 17 kids goes to the doc's with a rash on his belly. "All right" says the Doc, "drop 'em and let's have a look." Having been confronted with the evidence the Doc exclaims "Yes, you've got a bad rash there, but my word, what brown balls you've got. They're truly remarkable!".

The patient is a bit embarrassed and says "Look Doc, what about the rash?"

"Oh that's easy," said the Doc, "Here's some cream to rub on. By the way, those brown balls are amazing, my I ask....."

"No," said the patient, "You can't. Now, is that all Doc?"

"Well, " said the Doctor, " You could stop the rash coming back with a bit better hygiene. Tell your wife you need clean underpants every day. And those really are the brownest balls I've ever seen!"

The guy goes home and tells his wife that the Doctor says he needs clean underpants every day.

"What?" she yells, "Clean underpants every day, and me with 17 kids to chase after! Seventeen kids to wash, feed, clothe, get to school, tidy after, and you want clean underpants every day? You must be bloody joking, I haven't even got time to wipe my arse!"

"Ah" he said, "And that's another thing I wanted to talk to you about..."

[accuracy]

Pooper Ahead

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/pooper.jpg

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=UY-ZrwFwLQg

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=E-D9hcohusg

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=gx-NLPH8JeM

[chattanova]

http://img35.picoodle.com/img/img35/9/9/10/f_blackoutdeem_a4bd0c0.jpg

[lookfar]

Just got sent this by email & had to post it here (purely because it mentioned Kelowna, where I believe nickatnoon61 is from, so here's one for you Nicky, lol!:))


For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers

An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna some 12 months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please; may I have your attention please", she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F...You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too!"

[accuracy]

http://img181.imageshack.us/img181/4558/alovinghusband11111vr4.jpg

[auron]

http://aycu26.webshots.com/image/28265/2004916468670933099_rs.jpg

[chattanova]

President Bush was in fine form at the APEC summit in Australia. He called APEC "OPEC," referred to Australian troops as "Austrian troops," and then walked off in the wrong direction and nearly plunged off the stage. (Watch video clip)

This coming a day after another embarrassing episode in which a comedian dressed as Osama bin Laden managed to get within yards of Bush's hotel. (Watch video clip)

link -- http://politicalhumor.about.com/

[fresco]

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=jHPg3kjKBRc

[accuracy]

Carmen

A gent spots a nice looking girl in a bar goes up and starts small talk. Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name.
"Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?"

"No, I named myself", she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men," she said looking directly into his eyes. "So what's your name?" she asked.

"Beersex."

[accuracy]

Christmas Party

Sam had been in business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres
of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once
a month.

Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months
or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his
door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing
there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road...

Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might
like to come. About 5:00..."

"Great," says Sam, "after six months out here I'm ready to
meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you... There's
gonna be some drinkin'.

"Not a problem," says Sam. "After 25 years in business,
I can drink with the best of em."

Again, as he starts to leave, Lars stops. "More 'n' likely
gonna be some fightin' too."

Sam says, "Well, I get along with people, I'll be alright.
I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Lars turns from the door. "More'n likely be
some wild sex, too."

"Now that's really not a problem," says Sam, warming to
the idea.

"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"

Lars stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want.
Just gonna be the two of us."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/hue84tgoing.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/97curious02398.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/248pool45323545.jpg

[accuracy]

>> Subject: FW: Voted Best Joke in UK 2006

>>> Voted Best Joke in UK 2006
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Kmart with her
>> two
>>> kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
>>> entrance.
>>>
>>> The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Kmart, nice
>> children
>>> you've got there. Are they twins?"
>>>
>>> The fat ugly woman stops screaming long enough to snarl:
>>>
>>> "Of course they bloody aren't!
>>> The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven.
>>> Why the hell would you think they're twins?.....
>>> Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"
>>>
>>> "Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone
>> would
>>> shag you twice!"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>

[fresco]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=76k7R1sJn1c

[chattanova]

http://img26.picoodle.com/img/img26/9/9/17/f_sharondeesm_ab8d3d6.jpg

[accuracy]

Motivational Poster of the Day

http://img525.imageshack.us/img525/303/cid000901c7f99828837ec0ct8.jpg

You can only die once.

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: NOMINATED AS THE BEST SHORT JOKE THIS YEAR!



> > A three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
> >
> >
> > "Mom" he asked, "are these my brains?"
> > "Not yet" she replied.
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >

[auron]

That's about as funny as AIDS.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/355sweep985674976.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/mean3847bt.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/287train98370983475.jpg

[accuracy]

Religious Mother

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, "Your Grace."

The third Catholic mother says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle, "Well?"

So she replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6' 2", hard-bodied dancer. When he walks into a room, people say, "Oh my God!"

[accuracy]

Eating Grass

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one of the men "Why are you eating the grass?" "We don't have money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer.

The man answered "But sir, I have a wife and two children!

"Bring them along" replied the lawyer. The lawyer turn to the other man and said, "Come with us."

"But sir, I have a wife and six children?" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" replied the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem. The grass at my house is almost a foot tall."

[accuracy]

Harley Davidson

Arthur (Harley)Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yep, that's me."

God said, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, "Excuse me, but aren't You the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!"

"Hmmm, you have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."

[adimon]

Two biscuits rolling down a hill.

One says to the other "Where do you live, then?"

The other one says, "I'm not telling YOU that, you might steal my washing!"

:cool:

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/resi39brth3sp.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/giv93god94thcash.jpg

[accuracy]

Getting Weighed

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went.

Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.

"I want to get weighed, "she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

[accuracy]

Scaredy Cat


Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

[accuracy]

The blonde & the cellphone

A young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decides to buy her a cellphone.

She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and
explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day
the blonde goes shopping.

Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how
do you like your new phone?"

She replies: "I just love, it's so small and your voice is
clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand
though."

"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

[father ted]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/giv93god94thcash.jpg

Is that supposed to be a snake around the cross?

[accuracy]

Presidential Bird


Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" "Well, ma'am," the manager explained, "not everyone would want to own this parrot since he spent years in a whore house and his language is somewhat foul."

"Well, I want him," she said.

"Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When Hillary got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, "New house, new madam."

Hillary laughed.

Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed.

Hillary explained the bird's history to Chelsea and her friend, so they too, laughed.

Later, the President entered the living quarters. The parrot took one look at him and said, "Hi, Bill!"

[accuracy]

Is that supposed to be a snake around the cross?

Hmmm, very interesting!

[accuracy]

Girl Eats Live Scorpion

Guess what's for breakfast!
http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/9ckMCy6J.jpg

Watch video clip:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1190391324/Girl_Eats_Live_Scorpion

[chattanova]

http://img37.picoodle.com/img/img37/9/9/23/f_terrorbinm_860de14.jpg

[accuracy]

Like A Frog

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather.

When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room.

"Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted.

"What for?" asked his grandpa.

"Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/6512/1190052359/Push.jpg

[accuracy]

Stop Aids

http://www.b3tards.com/u/9e33d2809f7392b639fc/jizz-pope.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/509vacuums0580787.jpg

[accuracy]

Bob Cat Uses The Toilet

What about flushing and putting the lid down?

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/bqphnhy7.jpg

Watch it

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1190579776/Bob_Cat_Uses_The_Toilet

[auron]

http://www.abdultaiyeb.com/blogimages/23052007.jpg

[auron]

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y50/RuddyRuddy/gary_mark.jpg

[auron]

http://www.iceteks.com/forums/uploads/post-15-1067472687.gif

[auron]

http://www.iceteks.com/forums/uploads/post-15-1073795050.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/532eggsofa89034769.jpg

[accuracy]

Drinking And Driving

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar, up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label, and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on his forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff asked, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."

[accuracy]

Fetch Me A Beer

...and that's why they're man's best friend.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/iCgwN1xK.jpg

Watch it.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1190579957/Fetch_Me_A_Beer

[accuracy]

Reincarnation bummer

http://www.b3tards.com/u/69b07ee6b1fa9f10236f/crash.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/56861/1187272436/goodbye.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.b3ta.cr3ation.co.uk/data/jpg/heyyoucloud.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.artefact-rescue.co.uk/img/eagles.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www2.b3ta.com/host/creative/57163/1187244119/Stairway.gif

[accuracy]

wired for sound

http://i18.tinypic.com/6apjrdu.jpg

[auron]

http://aycu17.webshots.com/image/28136/2005804947326905231_rs.jpg

[auron]

http://ork.rz.fh-muenchen.de/~hor/funpics/chicken_20fuck.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/9/9/26/f_indianmoonm_277b250.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img32.picoodle.com/img/img32/9/9/26/f_nasasponsorm_d874247.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img02.picoodle.com/img/img02/9/9/26/f_onewaym_0c3fd48.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img03.picoodle.com/img/img03/9/9/26/f_fingerthroum_17e5a70.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img01.picoodle.com/img/img01/9/9/26/f_whatdoyousem_cbb75d2.gif

[chattanova]

http://img35.picoodle.com/img/img35/9/9/26/f_swissrussiam_a2d9e0e.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img27.picoodle.com/img/img27/9/9/26/f_ouch29m_58274ef.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img03.picoodle.com/img/img03/9/9/26/f_hellfrozem_634124e.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img28.picoodle.com/img/img28/9/9/26/f_sharpedgesm_6f24510.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img30.picoodle.com/img/img30/9/9/26/f_cross1m_fe097ce.jpg

[chattanova]

Note: This was not done intentionally (by the pet owner), and the cat is back to normal. Let us take you, now, through a true story submitted to Aha! Jokes about a haircut, a groomer, a Southern accent, and one very angry cat!

My sister-in-law is from Oklahoma and has a slight Southern accent. She has cats, and when she lived in the south, she would take them to the groomer's and have what is called a Line Cut. To her, a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled).

When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move, so she took it in for a line cut.

She was quite surprised when she heard the price, as it was twice as much as it was down south.

She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her! She cried for a week -- but not as much as the cat. It was November in Chicago, and the cat needed all the fur it had.

Gas in car to go to groomer's $3.25

Cat car carrier $27.99

Grooming fee $80.00

Getting angry looks from one seriously upset cat -- priceless!

http://img39.picoodle.com/img/img39/9/9/26/f_linecut1m_5353c86.jpg

http://img31.picoodle.com/img/img31/9/9/26/f_linecut2m_cf55d3c.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img30.picoodle.com/img/img30/9/9/26/f_fortnm_42cac87.jpg

[accuracy]

Ontario

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/574ontario0489058.jpg

[accuracy]

Space Pen

When NASA first started sending up astronauts,
they discovered that their ball point pens would
not work in zero gravity.

To overcome this small problem, NASA scientists
spent three years and $7 million to develop a pen
that would write in zero gravity, upside down, on
almost any surface and at any temperature.

(guess that's why the Russians used a pencil)

[accuracy]

Speeding On The Bridge

Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/private93parking.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/117wateronroad117.jpg

[accuracy]

Kiwis

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a
shandy.
All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting
to see another Australian visitor.


The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a
tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"
" No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount
animals."
The bartender grins and yells,
He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[accuracy]

Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[accuracy]

Condom Snorting

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/8TFdsKCW.jpg

A bit of an eye opener :)

Watch it:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1190981736/Condom_Snorting

[auron]

I'm not even going to click on that link, thank you very much! :D

[sirjohnthebadji]

I
WELCOME
WOGS




This is the humour thread, right

[father ted]

A shepherd was tending his flock in a field, when a new sports car screeched to a stop on the road nearby in a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in expensive designer clothes and sunglasses, leans out of the window and shouts over to the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have here, can I take one?"

The shepherd looks up slowly up at the young man, then looks at his peaceful flock, and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The young man steps out of his car holding a state-of-the-art palmtop pda, with which he proceeds to connects to a series of websites, first calling up satellite navigation system to pinpoint his location, then keying in the location to generate an ultra-high resolution picture of the field. After emailing the photo to an image processing facility, the processed data is returned, which he then feeds into an online database, and enters the parameters for a report. Within another few seconds a miniature printer in the car produces a full colour report containing several pages of analysis and results. The young man studies the data for a few more seconds and returns to the shepherd.

"You have exactly one-thousand five-hundred and eighty-six sheep, including three rams, and seven-hundred and twenty-two lambs."

"That's right," says the shepherd, mildly impressed. "Well, I guess that means you get to take one of my sheep."

The young man makes his choice and loads the animal onto the back seat of his car, at which the shepherd says, almost as an afterthought, "Hey there, if I can tell you what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man, feeling confident, agrees.

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow, that's right," says the young man, taken aback, "How did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd, "You showed up here even though nobody called you. You took a fee for giving me an answer that already know, to a question I never asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now give me back my dog."

(Ack S Faure)

[fresco]

I'm not even going to click on that link, thank you very much! :D

Wise move! That was just sick.:eek:

[fresco]

http://youtube.com/watch?v=aWI0pWrg3BE

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/toik65suggesti.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/103finger902380.jpg

[accuracy]

IRS Clothes

The IRS Visit
Joseph was called to testify at the Internal Revenue Service (IRS), so he asked his accountant for advice on how to dress for the occasion. "Wear your shabbiest clothing so that they think you're a pauper." His accountant told him. Joseph decided to ask his lawyer as well. "Wear your best clothing so they know you aren't intimidated." The lawyer said.
Completely confused, Joseph went to his priest and told him about the conflicting advice he had received, asking for his advice.

"Let me tell you a story." The priest said. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what she should wear on her wedding night and was told to wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that covered her all the way up to her neck. She also asked her best friend, who told her to wear a sexy negligee with a V neck down to her navel." Joseph was confused. "What does any of that have to do with my problem with the IRS?"

"Simple." replied the priest. "It doesn't matter what you wear, you're still going to get the screwed."

[accuracy]

Can someone get me down please?

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/ebvvRkNF.jpg

Watch it:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1191324385/Paraglider_Gets_Caught_In_A_Chair_Lift

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/chinese-toy-recall.jpg

[accuracy]

Bangkok train

Height of Encroachment - amazing

http://img.youtube.com/vi/1rfx1IupqwY/default.jpg

Watch it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1rfx1IupqwY

[accuracy]

A tiger and Himalayan Black Bear cub are seen in London Zoo in this handout file photograph taken in London in April 1914 and made available on October 1, 2007. This picture is part of the Zoological Society of London's photographic archive that it has made available to be viewed online at www.zsl.org/printstore . Photo/Zoological Society of London

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/tiger-black-bear.jpg

[accuracy]

A 25ft (7.62 meters) replica of the Golden Anubis, an ancient Egyptian jackal-headed god of the dead, sails away fromTower Bridge on the river Thames, to take up a position in Trafalgar Square ahead of the 'Tutankhamun and the Golden Age of The Pharaohs' exhibition, London October 1, 2007. Photo/Ian Langsdon

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/anubis.jpg

[accuracy]

Train Delay

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/bazy838disap.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/481exit8493798.jpg

[accuracy]

Another Flaming Shot Goes Wrong

Well better on your hand than on your face.

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/yEzYXZbv.jpg

Watch it:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1191501640/Another_Flaming_Shot_Goes_Wrong

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/132not213123.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/141loosetongue141.jpg

[accuracy]

English Hospitality

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighbourhood with big, stately residences. No pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all no public restrooms.

However, he really has to go, after all those Guinness's. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby, who says, "Sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the bobby, "whiz away sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/car2837secures.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img35.picoodle.com/img/img35/9/10/9/f_chinesetoyrm_b87c37a.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/71flasher-ahead21309.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/12034.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/455tacos590690.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/28anna823797.jpg

[accuracy]

Answering Service At Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[accuracy]

Mommy and Uncle Fred

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred."

After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?"

"He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Sorry wrong number.

[accuracy]

http://www.freshpictures.net/data/media/1/453.jpg

[mad as a cat]

I noticed that my monitor was not quite as clear as when I first got it so I looked into what the problem could be. Apparently, with time, electrons build up on the inside of the screen and the picture
deteriorates.

After several inquiries, a program was recommended that can 'clean' the inside of the screen. I tried it and the improvement is noticeable.

I highly recommend it.

Simply click on the following link.

This program is free, works automatically - and takes only about 45 seconds to do its job.

http://www.theslurps.com/

[accuracy]

FW: POSSIBLY THE BEST BLOND JOKE EVER

> >
> >
> > A blond walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant
> >
> > For some rectum deodorant.
> >
> >
> > The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the
> >
> > Woman that, they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
> >
> >
> > Unfazed, the blond assures the pharmacist that she
> >
> > Has been buying the stuff from this store on a
> >
> > Regular basis and would like some more.
> >
> >
> > "I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "We don't have
> >
> > Any."
> >
> >
> > "But, I always buy it here," says the blond.
> >
> >
> >
> > "Do you have the container that it came in?" asks
> >
> > The pharmacist.
> >
> >
> > "Yes," said the blond, "I'll go home and get it."
> >
> >
> > She returns with the container and hands it to the
> >
> > Pharmacist who looks at it and says to her,
> >
> >
> > "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant."
> >
> >
> > Annoyed, the blond snatches the container
> >
> > Back and reads out loud from the container .....
> >
> >
> > (Are you ready for this one!?)
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.
> >

[accuracy]

Pyramid Of Jokes

There was 3 girls, a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. and they found a pyramid. they read a tablet that said "this is the pyramid of 100 steps. if you
get to the top of it, you will get what you've wanted all your life. but be warned, every 5 steps a person will pop out and tell a joke, and if you laugh, you can never try again."

so the brunette gets to the 5th step and laughs, so she could never try again.

the red head got to the 20th step and laughed, so she could never try again.

then the blonde got to the 99th step and laughed. then the guy who was going to tell the joke said "why did you laugh, i didnt tell the joke yet." then the blonde said "i know, i laughed because i just got the first joke!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/sav88ouwater.jpg

[accuracy]

Almost Midnight

A cop drives up to lovers lane and sees a car there. So he walks up to the car, and there's a girl in the back seat knitting and a boy in the front seat reading a book.
The cop asks the boy how old he is and what he's doing. The boy answers, "I'm reading a book and I'm 20."

Then the cop asks what the girl's doing and how oldshe is. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 18 in about five minutes."

[accuracy]

Mega Back Flop

Double-back-flip-flop...

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/i/u/9jEQbwdT.jpg

Watch it:

http://www.yourdailymedia.com/media/1192546760/Mega_Back_Flop

[mad as a cat]

Long but well worth the read.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian?
October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html
_________________

[mad as a cat]

As originally written by the folks at Molson for their ads a few years ago:
Hey, I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader....
I don't live in an igloo or eat blubber, or own a dogsled....
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and French, not American.
And I pronounce it 'about', not 'a boot'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing,
diversity, not assimilation,
and that the beaver is a truly proud and noble animal.
A toque is a hat, a chesterfield is a couch,
and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'zed' !!!!

Canada is the second largest landmass!
The first nation of hockey!
and the best part of North America


http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=BRI-A3vakVg


_________________

[mad as a cat]

http://www.stuffonmycat.com/

[mad as a cat]

http://www.stuffonmymutt.com/

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/weom23l.jpg

[accuracy]

Great Shape

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. "How're you doing?" asks the doctor.

"Pretty good," answers the old man. "I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me."

The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife.

"How're you feeling?" he asks.

"I'm doing well," answers the old woman. "I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeling any pain."

The doctor says, "That's nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?"

"Oh No," says the woman, "He's peeing in the refrigerator again."

[accuracy]

A Mess In Court

Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well I can see pretty well I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played horn for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, do they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/slipp23dickfis.jpg

[accuracy]

Putting It In

A married man goes to confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I had an affair with a woman... almost."

"What do you mean almost?" question the priest.

"Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

"Rubbing together is the same as putting it in," explains the priest. "You're not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves confessional, says his prayers, and then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave.

The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, "I saw that... you didn't put any money in the poor box!"

"Well Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it's the same as putting it in!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/478paramedic90385908.jpg

[accuracy]

Blood Circulation

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "Now class, if I stood on my head, the blood as you know, would run into it and I should turn red in the face."

"Yes, sir," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in an ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A class member shouted, "'Cause your feet ain't empty."

[auron]

http://www.jakesjokes.com/gallery/albums/funnypics_forumstuff/normal_faggot.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/551supersize08904807.jpg

[chattanova]

http://img34.picoodle.com/img/img34/6/10/23/f_chencarddeem_073d403.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/h34me.jpg

[accuracy]

When Logic Prevails

Two nuns went out of their convent for a walk. One of them is
known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known
as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they were still
far away from the convent.

SL: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the
past half-hour?

SM: Yes, I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the
most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one
minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way
and I'll go this way. He cannot follows us both. So the man
decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what
has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us
both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as
I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run
faster than a man with his pants down........

[chattanova]

http://img39.picoodle.com/img/img39/6/10/25/f_deesssm_683d331.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/157NoSoccer3454566478.jpg

[accuracy]

Potatoes

Paul, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make it with any of the girls, so
he heads over to the lifeguard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for
him.

"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them baggy old
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Spandex Speedos - about
two sizes too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin
ya man...you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Paul hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's worse than before. Everybody
on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning
away, laughing, looking sick! So Paul goes back to the lifeguard again and
asks him, "What's wrong now?"

"JAHEESUS!" says the lifeguard, "The potato goes in front!"

[accuracy]

http://216.147.51.46/fark/cheez.jpg

[accuracy]

Subject: FW: Water



A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan

desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find Water, he hurried toward the object, only to find a little
old Jew at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jew replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are
only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water.
I should kill you, but I must find water first.'

'OK,' said the old Jew, 'it does not matter that you do not want to buy a
tie and that you hate me.

I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill
to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back and said to the old Jew:

>

>

>

>


'Your f**king brother won't let me in without a tie.'

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/wedd993cake3.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/403break34908503.jpg

[accuracy]

Kidnapping

One day a blonde was broke and didn't know what to do. So she decided to kidnap a child. She went over to the play ground and saw plenty of little kids running around. She picked out this one little boy and went over and grabbed him. She told the little boy she was going to kidnap and the little boy knowing she was a blonde didn't mind at all. The blonde wrote a note as the following:

To whom it may concern:

I have just kidnapped your little boy and I want one million dollars in a paper bag under the peach tree at noon.

Sincerely
a blonde

After she was finished the note she pinned the note to his shirt and sent home. The next day the blonde she went to the peach tree at noon and there was a brown paper bag. All the money was there but there was a little note. It said:


Dear a blonde:

Your money is all there I just wanted to know how you could do this to another blonde.

[pumma]

http://i24.tinypic.com/dgm70n.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/303parking23094892305.jpg

[accuracy]

Buying Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.

Redhead sighed and said, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again."

The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, "You don't like getting flowers from your boyfriend?"

The redhead said, "I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air."

The blonde says, "Don't you have a vase?"