View Full Version : A humour thread

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09-05-2007, 11:46 AM
1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it "George W. Bush"

3. Send it to the trash.

4. Empty the trash.

5. Your PC will ask you, "Do you really want to get
rid of "George W. Bush?"

6. Firmly Click "Yes."

7. Feel better.

PS: Next week we'll do Dick Cheney.

09-05-2007, 01:17 PM

09-05-2007, 01:21 PM
Stuck In The Mud


09-05-2007, 01:51 PM
Helicopter Attemps To Tow A Boat


A video clip


09-05-2007, 09:41 PM
At a U2 concert in Ireland Bono asks the audience for some quiet. Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands. Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone..."Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies." A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence... "Fookin stop doing it then!"

10-05-2007, 06:41 AM
still one of my favorites...

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York State . She spoke
for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should she one day become the
first female President. She referred to her career as a New York
Senator, how she had signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her
desk for approval.

Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers." At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the
Senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle.
The proud Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come to
select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking
Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it is unable to fly.


10-05-2007, 06:48 AM


10-05-2007, 06:57 AM
Do You Know Jack Schitt - YouTube

Do you know Jack Schitt?
by kToche
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Miss O. Needeep They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married her cousin Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chick N. Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them.


11-05-2007, 11:17 AM
Important Rules For Men

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women don't know each other.

11-05-2007, 11:22 AM
Jail Shower

Video clip


12-05-2007, 09:38 AM

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

12-05-2007, 09:45 AM
Strange cloud


12-05-2007, 10:19 AM
Awesome expensive watches


12-05-2007, 01:02 PM
There once was a young man from Kent,
He´s dick was so long that it bent.
To save himself trouble,he put it in doubble.
But instead of coming, he went!!!

12-05-2007, 01:16 PM
There once was a young man named sprocket.
Who went to the moon in a rocket.
The rocket went bang
His ass went tang
And his balls ended up in his pocket.

12-05-2007, 01:18 PM
There once was a man from Calcutta
Who was having a wank in the gutter
A woman went by
She got spunk in her eye
And thought it was Ireland's best butter

13-05-2007, 12:28 PM
Football Celebrations

Funny colection of soccer celebrations


Watch it.


13-05-2007, 12:35 PM
Strict Rules


13-05-2007, 12:37 PM
Long Marrige

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc. His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names." The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

13-05-2007, 12:56 PM
Imaginative snow sculptures


14-05-2007, 11:51 AM
Together At Last

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, Her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

14-05-2007, 12:29 PM
Big limousine


14-05-2007, 01:10 PM
Pick one up today!


14-05-2007, 01:15 PM
Old mrs.Hobbard,she went to the cubbord
to fech her old doggie a bone.
but as she bent over the doggie he drove her,
cause he had a bone of his own!!

14-05-2007, 01:25 PM
A mouse organ


15-05-2007, 12:46 PM
Asia Style Bus


15-05-2007, 12:49 PM
Doctor Advice

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you."

"I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

17-05-2007, 08:10 AM
I know it's hard to accept, but you can't spend the rest of forever running through the streets in your underwear.

17-05-2007, 12:59 PM
Blonde Diet

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

17-05-2007, 01:02 PM
Screwdriver set warning


17-05-2007, 01:05 PM
Extreme cocktail


18-05-2007, 10:29 AM
No Swimming


18-05-2007, 10:33 AM
Paying The Bill

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk. "That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."

19-05-2007, 11:52 AM
What Women Would Like From A Man


19-05-2007, 11:55 AM
Alternative Measures


19-05-2007, 12:01 PM
Somebody Save Me!


19-05-2007, 12:09 PM
Double school bus


19-05-2007, 12:13 PM
Extreme football


21-05-2007, 11:08 AM

21-05-2007, 11:13 AM

21-05-2007, 11:31 AM

21-05-2007, 11:33 AM

22-05-2007, 09:48 AM

22-05-2007, 09:50 AM

22-05-2007, 09:51 AM

22-05-2007, 09:54 AM

22-05-2007, 10:00 AM

22-05-2007, 10:01 AM

22-05-2007, 01:25 PM
The answer to who really killed JFK


22-05-2007, 01:26 PM


22-05-2007, 01:28 PM
Funny algebra solution


22-05-2007, 01:31 PM
Unique urinal


22-05-2007, 01:35 PM

22-05-2007, 01:36 PM

22-05-2007, 01:37 PM

22-05-2007, 01:39 PM

22-05-2007, 01:44 PM

22-05-2007, 06:40 PM
Actual Exam Answer:


22-05-2007, 06:48 PM
He would be the most popular guy in any prison.


22-05-2007, 06:50 PM

Well that search didn't last long.

22-05-2007, 06:52 PM
Stare at it up close and slowly move away from the monitor. The pretty face will reverse with the ugly face the further you get.


23-05-2007, 11:44 AM
New Secretary

Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techo-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"

"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"

"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"

"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

23-05-2007, 11:46 AM
Taking A Leak

An American tourist in London was desperate to take a leak. After a long search he couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.

"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.

"I'm sorry," the American replied, "but I really gotta take a leak."

"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."

The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass, pretty flowers, and manicured hedges. "Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."

The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started pissing on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"

"No," replied the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."

23-05-2007, 11:51 AM
Learn To Fly


23-05-2007, 11:53 AM
Well Spoken


23-05-2007, 11:56 AM

A turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened.

The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied “I don't know, it all happened so fast.”

23-05-2007, 12:36 PM
Offensive Gas Station Sign


23-05-2007, 01:07 PM
Two slugs are moving along the street. After a while they see a snail and say "Hey! I like your caravan!"

Poor I know...

24-05-2007, 11:36 AM
The Scariest Dentist


24-05-2007, 11:44 AM
Like A Woman

As a boat is about to sink, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this ship who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!".

24-05-2007, 11:51 AM

A funny video clip.

Watch it:


24-05-2007, 01:25 PM
The Simpsons pokes fun at FOX News

With Lisa explaining the dichotomy between Fox News' conservative views and the Fox Network's raunchy programming.

(YouTube video clip)


26-05-2007, 05:52 AM

26-05-2007, 05:53 AM

26-05-2007, 06:09 AM

26-05-2007, 06:11 AM

26-05-2007, 07:43 AM

26-05-2007, 07:46 AM

26-05-2007, 07:47 AM

26-05-2007, 07:50 AM

26-05-2007, 07:51 AM

26-05-2007, 09:33 AM
Tasty Toes


26-05-2007, 09:54 AM
Cool Boat Bar


26-05-2007, 07:14 PM

26-05-2007, 07:23 PM

26-05-2007, 10:11 PM

26-05-2007, 10:13 PM

26-05-2007, 10:16 PM

26-05-2007, 10:18 PM

26-05-2007, 10:20 PM

27-05-2007, 12:38 AM

27-05-2007, 12:43 AM

27-05-2007, 12:45 AM

27-05-2007, 12:47 AM

27-05-2007, 12:53 AM

27-05-2007, 12:55 AM

27-05-2007, 01:01 AM

27-05-2007, 01:19 AM

27-05-2007, 01:51 AM
WTF? Is this real??


27-05-2007, 01:53 AM

27-05-2007, 11:23 AM
Going The Wrong Way


27-05-2007, 11:26 AM
Dog´s Life

A poodle and a collie were walking down the street. The poodle turned to the collie and complained, "My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is having an affair with a German shepherd, and I'm nervous as a cat."
"Why don't you go see a psychiatrist?" asked the collie.
"I can't," replied the poodle. "I'm not allowed on the couch."

27-05-2007, 09:29 PM

28-05-2007, 11:54 AM
Arrival Of Satan


29-05-2007, 01:19 PM
Gently Put

Six guys are playing poker. After losing $500 on one hand, Smith clutches his chest and topples over, dead at the table. To decide who's going to tell his wife, his buddies draw straws. Anderson picks the short one.
"Break it to her gently," they all urge.
"Leave it to me," he says. When Smith's wife comes to the door, Anderson says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."
"How much?" the wife yells, eyes blazing. "Tell him to drop dead!"

29-05-2007, 01:27 PM
Building In India Collapses

The guy recording noticed that the building was starting to lean and it collapsed.


Watch it:


30-05-2007, 12:50 PM
Too Close For Comfort


30-05-2007, 12:53 PM
The Colonoscopy

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain,
"Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood ,
"because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach ,
"because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs,
"because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes,
"Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum,
"Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days,
the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story?
The ass hole is usually the one in charge!

If you don't send this to at least three people....who gives a ####?

30-05-2007, 12:57 PM

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed
bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one,
but the mortgage on this house is $300,000 and
your mother just lost her job. There's no
way we can afford it.'

The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out
the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son,
where are you going?'

Little Matt told him, 'I was walking past your room
last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling

Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was
coming too.

And I'll be damned if I'm staying here
by myself with an $300,000 mortgage and no bike!'

30-05-2007, 01:05 PM
Subject: Senior Center

It was entertainment day at the Senior Center and the amazing Claude was
Topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do
His stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced: "Unlike most
Hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I
Intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
Pocket watch from his coat pocket. "I want you each to keep your eye on this
Antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting.
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
Gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the
Watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
The floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SHIT," said the hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

30-05-2007, 01:06 PM
Paddy pulls alongside a lorry and says 'oi, driver you're losing your load'
driver says to paddy 'f**k off'....
5 miles down the road Paddy catches up with the driver again 'oi you're losing your load'
driver says...'will you f**k off?'
5miles further along the road Paddy yells ' im not joking, honest, you're losing your load'...
the driver says...'will you go away you thick Irish twat...im gritting'!!!


31-05-2007, 12:24 PM
Weird Proximity


31-05-2007, 01:17 PM

A chicken farmer went to a local bar. . . sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man . . . "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile? "

"I used a different cock," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence"

31-05-2007, 09:01 PM
Thank you for making me laugh. I am in an Internet Caffee and can NOT stop laughing. Thank you so much..:)

kind Regards, Nada

31-05-2007, 09:08 PM
Thank you for making me laugh. I am in an Internet Caffee and can NOT stop laughing. Thank you so much..:)

kind Regards, Nada


02-06-2007, 09:16 AM
Day Off


02-06-2007, 09:18 AM
Getting Fat

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

02-06-2007, 09:23 AM
Break down? No problem


02-06-2007, 09:28 AM
Cat tree


02-06-2007, 09:31 AM
Poodel and rottweiler

What's the difference between a rottweiler and a poodle?

If a rottweiler starts humping your leg you let it finish.

02-06-2007, 09:35 AM
The District Attorney requested all the robbery victims to come to the police station to study a lineup of five people. He placed his suspect at the end of the line. Then he asked each to step forward and say, "Give me all your money...and I need some change in quarters, nickels and dimes." The first four did it right. However, when it was the last man's turn to recite, he broke the case by blurting out, "That isn't what I said."

02-06-2007, 10:15 AM
Baby Stew


04-06-2007, 10:05 AM


04-06-2007, 10:07 AM


04-06-2007, 10:33 AM
How to hack a Coke machine for change.


Find out:


04-06-2007, 10:40 AM
How to hack a vending machine


Find out:


05-06-2007, 12:56 PM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fw: sportsman's double

> Met an older woman at a bar last night.
> She wasn't bad for 57, we drank and bullshitted a bit, then she asked if
> I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
> I said no.
> We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
> I went back to her place.
> She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs:

> "Mom you still awake?"

06-06-2007, 11:49 AM
Lazy Parenting


06-06-2007, 08:20 PM

06-06-2007, 08:20 PM

06-06-2007, 08:23 PM

06-06-2007, 09:11 PM

07-06-2007, 11:42 AM
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be sleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just lay there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move


================================================== ===

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

07-06-2007, 11:46 AM
Being Honest


07-06-2007, 11:48 AM
Try Again


07-06-2007, 11:53 AM
English Elephant


07-06-2007, 11:58 AM
Private Parking


07-06-2007, 12:01 PM
Emergency Toilets


07-06-2007, 10:33 PM

08-06-2007, 01:01 PM

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

08-06-2007, 01:10 PM
Personal Question

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her.

"I don't know," replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is."

"OK," the guy said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!"

"Sorry," said the guy, "I didn't realize you made a living out of it."

08-06-2007, 01:13 PM
Suggestion Box


08-06-2007, 01:17 PM
Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors," he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!"

08-06-2007, 01:25 PM
Rally Car Vs. Spectators


Why do they insist on standing in the most dangerous of places?


08-06-2007, 01:32 PM
Canoeing In Garbage


08-06-2007, 02:21 PM
Ginger people have been in the news this week, hounded and humiliated for their crimson locks and freckled skin. But what if the tables were turned, and they were worshipped as Gods? Show us life in Ginger World...


From http://www.b3ta.com/

08-06-2007, 10:16 PM
There are four kinds of sex :

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.

08-06-2007, 10:19 PM
Superman is flying around one day and he's feeling kinda horny. So he finds Batman sitting on top of a building and drops down to ask him where the best place to get a shag.

Batman proceeds to tell him that Wonder Woman is a great shag. Superman then tells him that he couldn't do that to her because they have been friends for too long, says goodbye and flies away.

Superman then sees Spider-man swinging around and flies next to him while he's swinging and asks him who the best piece of ass is. Spider-man tells him that he hears Wonder Woman is good and tells him to look her up.

Disgruntled Superman takes to the air and flies about. He then notices Wonder Woman lying in a field naked and spread Eagle. He thinks to himself 'I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of that so fast she'll never know what hit her'.

So, he flies down, does his business and in 4 seconds he's 100 miles awayaway. Wonder Woman looks up and says "What was that?" Invisible Man says: "I don't know but my fuckin arse hurts!"

08-06-2007, 10:24 PM
Joe was talking to his buddy at the bar, and he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday - she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea - why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it - she'll probably be thrilled."

So the that's what Joe did.

The next day at the bar his buddy said, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said Joe.

"Did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! she jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the door, yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"

09-06-2007, 11:01 AM
Thanks for you're in-put, auron:D

10-06-2007, 11:45 AM
Towing Service


10-06-2007, 11:47 AM
Drunk Drivers


10-06-2007, 12:00 PM
Hitler Banned From Xbox Live

Microsoft just owned your ass!


Watch it:


11-06-2007, 12:14 PM
Dog Found


12-06-2007, 11:13 AM
Lack Of Tact

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

12-06-2007, 11:19 AM
Out Of Jail

Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a Friday. They go to court and the judge says, "If you can convince more than 5 people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to jail." So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday. So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did. ''I got 17 people to get off drugs,'' says the first guy. ''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge. ''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''

''Oh, that's nothing!" said the second guy. "I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''

''Wow. How'd you do that?'' asked the judge.

''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole before prison...''

12-06-2007, 11:22 AM

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

12-06-2007, 12:26 PM
Fresh Air


12-06-2007, 12:33 PM


12-06-2007, 12:38 PM
Safety Matches


12-06-2007, 12:47 PM
Dog Rain Jacket


12-06-2007, 12:52 PM
Dog Rain Jacket

Lol! Only in Japan..:rolleyes:

14-06-2007, 01:54 AM

14-06-2007, 01:55 AM

14-06-2007, 01:57 AM

14-06-2007, 01:59 AM

14-06-2007, 02:02 AM

14-06-2007, 02:07 AM

14-06-2007, 02:09 AM

14-06-2007, 12:14 PM
Animals Love


14-06-2007, 12:32 PM
Back Sit

A blonde and a guy were out on a date and they ended up at ''Lovers' Cove'' where they were making out. The guy thought that things were going pretty good and maybe he would get lucky tonight, so he thought that he would ask her if she wanted to go in the back seat.
''NO!'' yelled the blonde.

The guy just figured that she wasn't ready yet. Things got pretty hot and the guy thought he would try again.

''NO!'' the blonde yelled again.

Things got even hotter and the blond was down to her bra and the guy even had her pants unzipped.

''Do you wanna go in the back seat yet?'' asked the guy.

''For the last time, NO!'' said the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asked, ''Well, why the hell not?''
The blonde looked at him and said, ''Because I wanna stay up here with you.''

14-06-2007, 12:49 PM
Chill Canned Drinks In 2 Minutes

Quick and easy way to chill your canned drinks in 2 minutes.


See how:


15-06-2007, 06:59 AM
Don't wake up your angry roommate in the middle of the night.

Behind the window at TV!

Another about TV.

15-06-2007, 11:55 AM
Be Considerate


15-06-2007, 12:03 PM

Check out this beer commercial


15-06-2007, 01:12 PM

15-06-2007, 09:32 PM

16-06-2007, 05:55 AM

16-06-2007, 05:57 AM

16-06-2007, 05:58 AM

16-06-2007, 05:59 AM

16-06-2007, 06:01 AM

16-06-2007, 06:07 AM

16-06-2007, 06:08 AM

16-06-2007, 06:15 AM

16-06-2007, 06:18 AM

16-06-2007, 06:22 AM

16-06-2007, 06:27 AM

16-06-2007, 06:30 AM

16-06-2007, 09:51 AM
Safety At Work


16-06-2007, 09:54 AM
Jamaican Baby

A Jamaican man bought a round of drinks for everyone in the bar,
announcing that his wife had just given birth to "a typical
Jamaican baby boy weighing 20 pounds."

Congratulations showered him from all around, and many
exclamations of "Wow!" were heard. A woman fainted due to sympathy

Two weeks later, he returned to the bar. The bartender said, "Say,
you're the father of the Jamaican baby who weighed 20 pounds at
birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Fifteen pounds."

The bartender was puzzled. "Why? What happened? He weighed 20
pounds at birth?"

The Jamaican father took a slow sip from his Red Stripe beer,
wiped his lips on his shirtsleeve, leaned into the bartender and
said, "Had him circumcised."

16-06-2007, 10:03 AM

16-06-2007, 10:11 AM
The finger


16-06-2007, 10:35 AM
Freaking Out On Ride


17-06-2007, 09:57 AM
Double Report


17-06-2007, 10:01 AM
Special Price

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can
knock the price down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip
the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my
students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

17-06-2007, 10:08 AM


17-06-2007, 10:13 AM

17-06-2007, 10:18 AM
Internet Bog


17-06-2007, 10:31 AM
Al Qaeda Handbook

Crazy animation about the Al Qaeda handbook. I'm sure this is quite offensive but I bet 99 percent of you will have a laugh.


Watch it


18-06-2007, 11:15 AM
Family Vacation


18-06-2007, 11:18 AM

The 75-year-old groom, with the young wife, caused a lot of
attention as he checked into the resort hotel.

The following morning, the old boy came strutting into the dining
room, lookin' great with a big smile on his face. He proceeded to
order an enormous breakfast.

He laughed and joked and was in obvious good spirits, whereas his
young wife, who came into the room a half hour later, looked worn
out. She ordered coffee in a voice so weak the waiter had to ask
her to repeat the order.

The old man finished his breakfast, excused himself and left for
their room. This gave the waitress a chance to ask the bride,
"Honey, I can't figure it out. The old geezer, your husband, looks
like a million and you look like two cents. What's wrong?"

"That guy double-crossed me," the bride said. "He told me he'd
saved up for fifty years! And all the time I thought he was
talking about money!"

19-06-2007, 01:07 PM
The Dog Walker


19-06-2007, 01:09 PM
Circle Of Life

At age 4...success is...not peeing in your pants.

At age 10...success is...making your own meals.

At age 12...success is...having friends.

At age 16...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 20...success is...having sex.

At age 35...success is...having money.

At age 50...success is...having money.

At age 60...success is...having sex.

At age 70...success is...having a drivers license.

At age 75...success is...having friends.

At age 80...success is...making your own meals.

At age 85...success is...not peeing in your pants.

19-06-2007, 01:15 PM

19-06-2007, 01:20 PM
I Guess He Likes Needles


19-06-2007, 01:26 PM
Guy Loves His Buddy


19-06-2007, 01:45 PM
Buffed, Beautiful and Bitchin


Hilarious skit featuring Jim Carey as a female fitness instructor.

Funny Video


19-06-2007, 02:05 PM
Cruise Ship Gets Rocked Violently


A cruise ship hits some nasty weather and gets rocked from side to side like crazy

Watch it


19-06-2007, 09:37 PM
President Bush was visiting a primary school. One of the classes was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meaning. The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy." So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

Little Jimmy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, Johnny, who lives on a farm, were playing in the field and a tractor ran him over and killed him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

Little Suzie raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not." explained the president. "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Bush searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If Air Force One carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush was struck by a "friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"That's right!" exclaimed Bush. "Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says little Johnny, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

19-06-2007, 09:39 PM

Here is a picture of George W Bush made up entirely of assholes. Very rude really. Does George Bush deserve it? Well how can 100+ assholes (made into a mosaic) be wrong?

19-06-2007, 09:52 PM
What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A mosquito quits sucking when you smack it.

What's the best thing about a blow job from an ethiopian woman?
You know she'll swallow.

What's the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during an orgasm.

What's the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne will usually not come on a kid's face until around 13 or 14 years old.

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what they shoot.

How can you tell which is the head nurse?
The one with the dirty knees.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhaed are all in third grade. Who has the biggest tits?
The blonde, because she's 18.

How do you tell if a chick is to fat to fuck?
When you pull her pants down and her arse is still in them.

Did you hear about the new paint called 'blonde' paint?
It's not very bright, but it spreads easily.

What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again!

Do you know why they call it the wonder bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

Why is it so hard for women to take a piss in the morning?
Did you ever try to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?

19-06-2007, 09:53 PM
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
- Rest Area off I-84. Willington, Connecticut.

If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.
O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.

Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon.
- Nathan's. Washington, D.C.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
- Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.

I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
- Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Beer. It's not just for breakfast anymore.
- Blueberry Hill. St. Louis, Missouri.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
- Armand's Pizza. Washington, D.C.

You either make dust or you eat dust.
- Arizona State University, Daniel E. Noble Science & Engineering Library. Tempe, Arizona.

If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
- Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.

Beware of limbo dancers.
- On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad Ripple Brew Pub. Indianapolis, Indiana.

Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
- Women's Restroom. City View Tavern. Cincinnati, Ohio.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
- Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont. Burlington, Vermont.

Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.
- Blueberry Hill. St. Louis, Missouri.

Flush twice-It's a long way to the kitchen.
- Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria, University of Wyoming. Laramie, Wyoming.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
- The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas.
- Women's restroom, The Ice House. Wilmington, North Carolina.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
- Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

To do is to be.
- Descartes
To be is to do.
- Voltaire
Do be do be do.
- Frank Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
- Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.

Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until everything between us is over (completely). Please remember I love you!-Tori
- On dollar bill F602225237.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war.
Hell, do both, get married!
- Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.

God is dead.
- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.
- God
- The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.

I sold my expectations to reality and got ripped off.
- The Underground. Blacksburg, Virginia.

A word in the mouth is worth two from George Bush.
I don't understand.
That's okay, Dan.
- H.L. Mencken's Cultured Pearl Restaurant and Bar. Baltimore, Maryland.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
- Revolution Books. New York, New York.

This bubble gum tastes like rubber.
Yeah, but it lasts a long time.
And it blows great bubbles.
- Condom machine. Missoula, Montana.

A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.

But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
- Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- The Cellar Restaurant, Blacksburg, Virginia.

My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips.
- Blueberry Hill. St. Louis, Missouri.

Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
- Port O'John, Acadia National Park, Maine.

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? Congress!
- Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
- Men's restroom, The 400 bar. Minneapolis, Minnesota.

I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality...but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse.
- The Cellar Restaurant. Blacksburg, Virginia.

If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.
- Nathan's. Washington, D.C.

Why do drunk men miss the toilet?
Why do sober men?
- South Main Cafe. Blacksburg, Virginia.

Free the bound periodicals!
- Library, Indiana University. Bloomington, Indiana.

What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
- Men's restroom Lynagh's. Lexington, Kentucky.

Hey Nike, I just did it!
- Tastee Diner, Bethesda, Maryland.

19-06-2007, 09:55 PM
In Kentucky, 50% of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during WWI.

Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day that in any other weather.

An average person laughs about 5 times a day.

Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 500s.

The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

In 980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

Every person has a unique tongue print.

Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

Pollsters say that 40% of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

Bubble gum contains rubber.

You can only smell /20th as well as a dog.

Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

About 70% of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as Pres. Bush in 99. And, rightfully so.

Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the western Pacific.

There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 992.

Mosquitoes have teeth.

Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

27% of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

In 980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

Aztec emperor Montezuma had nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."

Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark.

"Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo.

21-06-2007, 03:47 AM

23-06-2007, 07:22 AM
Father Of Who

A man walk into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.

She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asked "Do I know you?"

The woman answers "I think your the father of one of my kids".

The man thinks for a minute then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.

So he says to the woman "are you the stripper that was at my best friends bachelor party about 5 years ago?" "You know, the one I had sex with on the pool table while your friend spanked my bare ass with a whip?"

The woman looks at him horrified and says "No, I'm your son's teacher".

23-06-2007, 07:28 AM

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York
and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing
over a beautiful bed of red roses.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That
poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can
help." So the kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked,
"What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with

The old man stood, put his rod away and followed the kind stranger
to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of vodka and a fine

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man,
and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch today?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke
ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

23-06-2007, 07:35 AM
Redneck Boat House


25-06-2007, 12:43 PM
Beware! Marriage


25-06-2007, 01:17 PM
Telesales Kid Gets An Ear Bashing

Haha... this guy was having none of it! I know what to do next time they phone asking if I want to upgrade my internet connection.


Listen to it.


26-06-2007, 01:01 PM
No Fishing


26-06-2007, 01:04 PM

A man visiting a cemetery heard a second man who was kneeling at a nearby grave crying-out loudly, "Why did you have to die?!!? Why did you have to die?!!?".

The first man was so moved by the other man's obvious pain, that he walked over and lightly placed a comforting hand on the distraught man's shoulder and asked him, "Is this your wife?".

"No", replied the weeping man, "Her first husband!"

26-06-2007, 01:08 PM
Mother In Law

A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral.

As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said: “Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!”

The husband replied, “I know, I thought I saw her move!!”

26-06-2007, 09:25 PM
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself."

"The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case."

"If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura."

28-06-2007, 01:00 PM
Wait To Be Seated


28-06-2007, 01:04 PM
Doctor Chat

A British doctor, a German doctor and an American doctor were chatting.

The British doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks."

Then the German doctor bragged, "That's nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brain out of Texas, put him in the White House, and almost immediately afterwards half the country was looking for work."

28-06-2007, 01:08 PM


29-06-2007, 11:22 AM


30-06-2007, 09:41 AM
Weird Text

A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park.

He sat down on a bench and began eating. Since Jews do not eat
leavened bread during the eight day holiday, he was eating Matzoh,
a flat crunchy unleavened bread that has dozens of perforations.

A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.
Feeling neighbourly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the
blind man.

The blind man handled the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled,
and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this crap?"

30-06-2007, 09:44 AM
Hairy Armpits

A drunk is sitting at a bar when a woman stands behind him and
raises her arm really high to get the bartender's attention.

She has very hairy armpits. The drunk sees this and yells at the
bartender, "Get the ballerina a drink."

She gets her drink and goes away.

Later she returns and raises her arm again. The drunk sees her
and yells to the bartender, "Get the ballerina another drink."
She gets her drink and goes away again.

The bartender asks the drunk how he knows that she is a ballerina
given that she is a stranger and has never been in the bar before.

The drunk replies, "She's got to be a ballerina if she can lift
her leg that high."

01-07-2007, 10:46 AM
"George Bush was elected president of the United States, and you know what they say, the first time is always the sweetest." --Bill Maher

"Did you see how happy President Bush was yesterday when he found out he won? Man he couldn't decide whether he should give a victory speech or announce the invasion of Iran." --Jay Leno

"President Bush was really sweating this, because he knew if Kerry won, he's probably make Bush go to Iraq and finish his National Guard service." --Jay Leno

"Earlier today, John Kerry went hunting for geese in Ohio, but President Bush says Kerry only did it for the photo op. The weird part is that Bush said this while wearing a flight suit and standing on the deck of an aircraft carrier." --Conan O'Brien

"But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'" --David Letterman

"Over the weekend, President Bush told a crowd of supporters in Florida that he is the best protection from the draft. That's not true. Bush's dad was the protection from the draft." --Jay Leno

"We still don't know what the deal is what that thing in Bush's back, but I tell you, if God has a sense of humor, it is something that can only be cured with stem cell research." --Bill Maher, on the bulge in Bush's back during the first presidential debate

"During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate." --Bill Maher

"This was the town hall debate, and Bush says he likes the personal feel of a town hall. There's something about getting out there and lying directly to people's faces." --Bill Maher

"There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'" --Bill Maher

"Tonight's debate was what they called the town hall debate. Both candidates were seated on stools. It was funny, from force of habit, Bush said 'Scotch and water, hold the ice.'" --David Letterman

"62 million people tuned into the debate this week. That's almost one viewer for every time President Bush said ' mixed message.'" --Bill Maher

"I don't want to say who won this debate, but today the FCC is furious and is fining the networks for showing the emperor with no clothes." --Bill Maher

"Political experts say President Bush was off his game. He looked distracted, confused, a little at a loss for words. Off his game? That is Bush's game." --Jay Leno, on the debate

"Of course you know, President Bush has been taking a couple days off this week to prepare for the debates. In fact, he's having a microchip implanted in his ear. This will allow Dick Cheney to speak to him directly. 'It's pronounced 'Fallujah' 'Abu Ghraib.'" --Jay Leno

"The debate deal for three debates almost fell apart because John Kerry did not want a light to flash when his time was almost up. And George Bush didn't want a light to flash because he's easily distracted." --Jay Leno

"Both candidates now are trying to lower expectations for how they'll do on the debates. For example, Kerry tried to lower expectations for himself by saying Bush has never lost a debate and that he is a formidable opponent. Then Bush lowered expectations for himself when he said, 'Hey, what does "formable" mean?'" --Jay Leno

"Bush bragged that more Iraqis say their country is on the right track than Americans say our country is on the right track. Boy, there's a campaign slogan for you -- 'America: More F*cked Up Than Fallujah!'" --Bill Maher

"Republicans are now saying that Dan Rather should lose his job because he misled the country with bogus information. Which is odd because the Democrats are saying the exact same thing about President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Democrats are saying that President Bush is refusing to take part in a town hall debate with John Kerry because Bush is worried about the questions the audience will ask him. After hearing this, the president said, 'That's ridiculous. I'm not worried about the questions, I'm worried about the answers." --Conan O'Brien

"In a speech yesterday, President Bush said it is critical that the president speak both clearly and consistently. Then, immediately afterwards, Bush resigned." --Conan O'Brien

"There's a lot of controversy surrounding the authenticity of this memos shown on '60 Minutes' concerning President Bush and his service in the National Guard. If there's one thing you don't want to see, it's a president who didn't really win the election being brought down by phony documents." --Jay Leno

"Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused." --David Letterman

"In a shocking new book by Kitty Kelley, acquaintances of President Bush say that when he was in the National Guard that he liked to sneak out back for a joint or go in the bathroom and do cocaine. Isn't that unbelievable? They actually found people who saw Bush in the National Guard." --Jay Leno

"Monday on NBC Bush said about the war on terrorism, 'I don't think we can win it.' And yesterday he said at a rally, 'We will win it." John Kerry is furious. Now Bush is beating him on flip-flopping. Hey, that was his issue." --Jay Leno

"The Republican Convention goes on all week, and of course, the highlight will be toward the end of the week. George Bush will show up for one day, you know, just like he did in the National Guard." --David Letterman

"The President and Mrs. Bush were on 'Larry King' last night and the president said, 'America is absolutely better off today than it was 4 years ago.' Then he said, 'Did I say America, I meant Chevron.'" --Bill Maher

"The president finally explained why he sat in that classroom on 9/11 for 7 minutes after he was told the country was under attack. He said he was 'collecting his thoughts.' What a time to start a new hobby.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the 'War on Jobs.'" --Craig Kilborn

01-07-2007, 10:47 AM
"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon. The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno

"Have you noticed how the Republicans and Democrats try to copy each other at their conventions. Like at the Democratic convention John Kerry's daughter told a story about how he once gave CPR to her hamster. At the Republican convention the Bush girls are going to tell a story about how when their hamster was bad, their dad built them a little electric chair." -Jay Leno

"The L.A. Times reports that al Qaeda terrorists have been traced to Iran, and President Bush is talking tough. In fact he said he will attack the minute he has evidence his approval rating is under 45 percent." -Jay Leno

"As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." -Craig Kilborn

"Campaigning in Iowa yesterday President Bush vowed he will not raise taxes in the next four years. He said I believe it is hard, very difficult to raise taxes when you are not president." -Craig Kilborn

"Imagine if they delay the election. This could mean that Bush would be the longest serving president never to get elected." -Jay Leno, on reports that the election may be delayed in the event of a terrorist attack

"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." -David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls." - Craig Kilborn

"Rumors have restarted that the Republican ticket will not be Bush-Cheney. But today those rumors were put to rest when Cheney said, 'No, I'm keeping him on the ticket.'" -Jay Leno

"Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall." -David Letterman

"Newly released transcripts reveal that President Nixon was drunk during the Arab-Israeli crisis of 1973. After hearing this, President Bush said, 'Hey, so was I!'" -Conan O'Brien

"Bush explained his strategy for transfer of power. It's a two part plan. Part one: clean out his desk. Part two: rent a U-Haul." -David Letterman

"Homeland Security has warned of possible summer attacks by Al Qaeda. And it must be pretty serious because President Bush has already ignored three memos about this." -David Letterman

"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." -David Letterman

"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration." -David Letterman

"President Bush fell off his mountain bike down on his ranch in Texas. A couple weeks ago, John Kerry fell off his bicycle. See, doesn't this make you miss President Clinton? That guy, he could ride anything without falling off." -Jay Leno

"Bush fell off his bike while mountain biking on his ranch over the weekend. He hit a rough spot in the trail. There's a switch - the environment hurting Bush." -Jay Leno

"President Bush fell off his bicycle this weekend and you know what was really sad? It's a stationary bike." -Jay Leno

"You know what really makes this embarrassing? The other day the president said the leaders in Iraq are 'ready to take off the training wheels.' That's what he said, 'take off the training wheels.' Then he goes out and falls off his bicycle. And they wonder why the rest of the world doesn't take us seriously." -Jay Leno

"A White House spokesmen said he fell because it's been raining a lot and the top soil is loose. We went ahead and looked up the rain for real in Crawford, Texas. May 15th, 0.0 inches of rain. May 16th, 0.0 inches of rain. 17th no rain. 18th, 19th, 20th, 21st, 22nd, and 23rd no rain. First he chokes on a pretzel; now he fell off his bike. Mr. President, when are you going to admit that Laura is abusing you? There is no shame in being a battered husband." -Jimmy Kimmel

"With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something." -Craig Kilborn

"Doctor's concluded that the president's fall hadn't done any damage when he appeared confused and disoriented." -Craig Kilborn

"The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush delivered a commencement speech at a university in Wisconsin. A very inspirational speech. Apparently Bush told the students, 'You can do anything in life if your parents work hard enough.'" -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" -Jay Leno

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense he did have all his services records thrown out." -Jay Leno

"Two big announcements coming out of Washington, D.C. The tour of duty for 20,000 troops in Iraq may be extended. That's too bad. And the other announcement, the tour of duty for President Bush may not be extended." -David Letterman

"According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'" -David Letterman

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." -Jay Leno

"President Bush earned $400,000 for his job as president last year. That's not really that much for being president when you think about it. But President Bush, he doesn't do it for the money, he does it for the eight months of vacation every year." -Jay Leno

"The other night, President Bush's press conference was pre-empted by 'American Idol.' You know the difference between President Bush and 'American Idol?' See, on 'American Idol,' the one with the most votes wins." -Jay Leno

"I saw the president on TV. I think he's only had three press conferences during prime time. I though he looked calm. I thought he looked confident. I thought he looked focused. That's right, he was drinking again." -David Letterman

"It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam." -David Letterman

"In his press conference last night, President Bush said he could not remember a single mistake he had made in the last two years. The president's exact quote was: 'I ain't make none mistakes ever.'" -Conan O'Brien

"Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night." -David Letterman

"CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk." -David Letterman
"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." -Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." -David Letterman

"In response to a request by the 9/11 commission the White House agreed to declassify the president's daily intelligence briefing from August 6th titled 'Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.' The commission also wants to see the August 20th briefing, 'No Seriously Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States' and also from August 26th, 'Mr. President, Please Put Down the Game Boy, Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States.'" -Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

01-07-2007, 10:47 AM
"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." -Tina Fey

"Senator Ted Kennedy said that Iraq was President Bush's 'Vietnam.' When he heard about it, President Bush said, 'That's not true; I went to Iraq."' -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20." -David Letterman

"President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too." -David Letterman

"President Bush got a little upset with a reporter for calling him 'sir' instead of 'Mr. President.' Man, how upset is he going to be after the election when they start calling him George again?" -Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." -Craig Kilborn

"There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'" -Craig Kilborn

"Not only will Condoleezza Rice testify, but President Bush has also agreed to meet with the (9/11) commission. He's going to testify, but he said he wants have Dick Cheney there with him. Why does he want Cheney with him? What? Does he have a learner's permit to be president and have to have an adult with him." -Jay Leno

"They said that President Bush's war in Iraq has cost the former Spanish Prime Minister his job. So President Bush isn't losing American jobs anymore, he's branching out to other countries." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either." -David Letterman

"President Bush went out touting his economic record in Ohio last week. Now this is a state that lost 225,000 jobs since Bush took office. You know, if Bush wants to tout his record, he should do it somewhere where the Bush economy has actually created jobs, like India, or Thailand, or China." -Jay Leno

"John Kerry said today he wants to debate President Bush once a month. Hey good luck, if Bush couldn't make it to the National Guard once a month, he's not going to show up for this." -Jay Leno

"President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial, highlighting all of his accomplishes in office. That's why it's a 60-second spot." -Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the American voters, 'Is the rich person you're working for better off now than they were four years ago?'" -Jay Leno

"President Bush was in Los Angeles yesterday where he announced his new campaign theme - 'Safer, Stronger, and Tested.' Isn't that a condom ad?" -Jay Leno

"I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs." -David Letterman

"The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News." -Craig Kilborn

"The Bush campaign for re-election has officially begun. They're actually running television commercials. Have you seen any of the television commercials? In one of the commercials, you see George Bush for thirty seconds. In another commercial, you get to see George Bush for sixty seconds - kind of like his stint in the National Guard." -David Letterman

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162. That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the Democratic nomination. See for President Bush it's different - his magic number is 5. That's the number of Supreme Court judges needed to win." -Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a person has gotten into the White House unlawfully since…President Bush." -David Letterman

"Is it me or is President Bush's life starting to sound like a country song. He's from Texas, his dog just died, and it looks like he might lose his job. Next thing, his truck is going to break down." -Jay Leno

"Some sad news, President Bush's lapdog passed away. Gee, I didn't even know Tony Blair was sick?" -Jay Leno

"The Democrats say that President Bush doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. Of course he does. If things don't go well, he exits in November." -Jay Leno

"It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd." -David Letterman

"A new poll says that if the election were held today, both John Kerry and John Edwards would beat President Bush by double digit margins. The White House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -Jay Leno

"There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office." -David Letterman

"President Bush is now focusing on jobs. I think the one job he's focusing most on is his own. The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that 2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year. They say they were off by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -Jay Leno

"It was reported in the paper that President Bush received a 'warm reception' from the Daytona 500 drivers. Well sure, the drivers had never met anyone who was sponsored by more oil companies than they were." -Jay Leno

"In his annual economic report to Congress President Bush said that the transfer of American jobs overseas is actually part of a positive transformation that will enrich the U.S. economy over time. So basically, losing your job to someone else can be a good thing. Of course we'll see how he feels about that in November." -Jay Leno

"In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy." -Craig Kilborn

"Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?" -Jay Leno

"The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction." -Jay Leno

"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." -Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier today. They were looking around while searching for George Bush's military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -David Letterman

"There's this huge controversy over the fact that President Bush apparently received credit for National Guard service in Alabama in '72 and '73 even though his commanding officers are saying he never reported. I think what's even more disturbing is that he received enough credits to graduate from Yale." -Jay Leno

"Bush did have an explanation, he said he did go to Alabama but when he didn't find weapons of mass destruction, he went back to Texas." -Jay Leno

"As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush stopped off at a bass pro fishing store to pick up a fishing reel, some line and some rubber worms. He's going to disappear and go fishing. So he must think he's back in the National Guard." -Jay Leno

"Critics are now saying that his dad got him out of going to Vietnam. However, his dad did get him to go to Iraq." -Jay Leno

"Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." -Craig Kilborn

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'" -Jay Leno

"President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?" -Craig Kilborn

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he would do if he lost the election and Bush said, ''Phhh, you mean like last time?'" -Jay Leno

"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." -Bill Maher

"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." -Bill Maher

"New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' ... For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'sorry' and 'nuclear.' Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me." -Bill Maher

"Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry." -Craig Kilborn

"If there was one lesson to be drawn from Bush's appearance (on 'Meet the Press') it's that he doesn't have to be forthcoming or honest. And he's the first to tell you why. (Bush:) 'I'm a war president.' He added: 'I guess I should have told you that back in 2000.'" -Jon Stewart

"One critic in the L.A. Times said John Kerry looks like he is thinking too much. Well this is one place President Bush has him beat." -Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam. Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once took a math test for him." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget. It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." -Jay Leno

"President Bush's approval rating is now down under 50 percent. So now what he's going to have to do is let Saddam go so we can capture him again." -David Letterman

"This Iraqi intelligence scandal is growing. Americans are asking, 'What did President Bush not know?' and 'When did he mispronounce it?'" -Craig Kilborn

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" -Jay Leno

"It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was." -Craig Kilborn

"Oscar nominations came out today. Up for best actor, Sean Penn for 'Mystic River,' Jude Law for 'Cold Mountain,' and of course, George W. Bush for 'Iraqi Weapons of Mass Destruction.'" -Jay Leno

"A Newsweek poll said if the election were held today, John Kerry would beat Bush 49 percent to 46 percent. And today, President Bush called Newsweek magazine a threat to world peace." -Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by really big words." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said that our kids must be taught how to read. He said if his aides never learned to read, they'd never be able to tell him what's in the newspapers every day." -Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're going to need are Spanish, Chinese, Korean, because that's where the jobs went. Who better than Bush as an example of what can happen when you take a job without any training." -Jay Leno

"President Bush gave his State of the Union speech. I think he is getting a little cocky. Instead of playing Hail to the Chief, he was lowered to the podium to 'We are the Champions.'" -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush announced a major new plan for the United States to put a man on the moon, which would be a really big story if this were 1962. Bush said he didn't remember anything about the 60's - I guess he wasn't lying." -Jay Leno

"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." -Jon Stewart

"President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before." -Craig Kilborn

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again." -David Letterman

"Former Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill has written a book about his years with the Bush Administration. He said that President Bush while at cabinet meetings is disengaged, he's uninformed, distracted, he's passive, and the Democrats are saying to themselves - how can we possibly beat this guy?" -David Letterman :D

01-07-2007, 10:50 AM
George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world's detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

01-07-2007, 10:51 AM
This following poem is composed entirely of actual quotes from George W. Bush.

I think we all agree, the past is over.
This is still a dangerous world.
It's a world of madmen
And uncertainty
And potential mental losses.

Rarely is the question asked
Is our children learning?
Will the highways of the internet
Become more few?
How many hands have I shaked?

They misunderestimate me.
I am a pitbull on the pantleg of opportunity.
I know that the human being and the fish
Can coexist.

Families is where our nation finds hope
Where our wings take dream.
Put food on your family!
Knock down the tollbooth!
Vulcanize society!
Make the pie higher!
Make the pie higher!

01-07-2007, 10:55 AM
After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George W. Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let the President know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a single line of coded message:


Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it at the FBI so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. Within a minute MI-6 cabled the White House with this reply "Tell the President he's holding the message upside down.

01-07-2007, 10:57 AM
George and Laura Bush and Bill and Hillary Clinton are traveling by train to the Super Bowl. At the station George and Laura each buy a ticket and watch as Bill and Hillary buy just one ticket. "How are the two of you going to travel on only one ticket?" asks George W, astonished at what he is seeing. "Watch and learn," answers Hillary.

They all board the train. George and Laura take their respective seats but Bill and Hillary cram into a toilet together and close the door. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand... The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Bushes see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea, so after the game they decide to try a similar plan on the return trip.

When they get to the station, they see the Clinton's at the window buying a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Clinton's see that the Bushes don't buy any ticket at all. "Aren't you taking a terrible chance by traveling without a ticket?" says Hillary. "Live and learn," answers Laura Bush.

When they board the train the Bushes cram themselves into a toilet and the Clintons cram into another toilet just down the way. Shortly after the train leaves the station, George W. leaves their toilet and walks over to the Clinton's toilet, knocks on their door and says, "Ticket, please."

And you're still trying to figure out how the Democrats lost that election.

01-07-2007, 11:04 AM
Hillary Clinton:

"We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."

"God bless the America we are trying to create."

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

Rudy Giuliani:

"We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything."

“Freedom is about authority. Freedom is about the willingness of every single human being to cede to lawful authority a great deal of discretion about what you do.

"Oh, you dirty boy! Donald, I thought you were a gentleman." –while dressed in drag, after having his "breasts" fondled by Donald Trump

John McCain:

"F**k you! I know more about this than anyone else in the room." --to Sen.
John Cornyn (R-TX), during a testy exchange about immigration legislation

"There are neighborhoods in Baghdad where you and I could walk through those neighborhoods today." --prior to visiting a Baghdad market while being flanked by 22 soldiers, 10 armored Humvees, and two Apache attack helicopters

"You know that old Beach Boys song, Bomb Iran? Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran."

“I had something picked out for you, too - a little IED (improvised explosive device) to put on your desk." –-to Jon Stewart

"I think I'd just commit suicide." --on the prospects of the Democrats taking back the Senate in the 2006 elections

"Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

Mitt Romney:

"Well, the question is kind of a non sequitur, if you will. And what I mean by that -- or a null set." --after being asked during a Republican debate whether is was a mistake to invade Iraq

"I purchased a gun when I was a young man. I've been a hunter pretty much all my life." (Romney’s campaign later said he'd been hunting twice, once when he was 15, and once in 2006 at a Republican fundraiser

"I'm not a big-game hunter. I've made that very clear. I've always been a rodent and rabbit hunter. Small varmints, if you will.”

"I'm happy to learn that after I speak you're going to hear from Ann Coulter. That's a good thing. I think it's important to get the views of moderates." --right before Coulter called John Edwards a "faggot"

"Hugo Chávez has tried to steal an inspiring phrase — Patria o muerte, venceremos. It does not belong to him. It belongs to a free Cuba." –invoking a phrase that translates to "Fatherland or death, we shall overcome," which Fidel Castro has used to close his speeches for years, and which is associated with Cuban oppression

Barack Obama:

"In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed.” –on a Kansas tornado that killed 12 people

Joe Biden:

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man." --on Barack Obama

"You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. ... I'm not joking."
Tommy Thompson:
"I'm in the private sector and for the first time in my life I’m earning money. You know that’s sort of part of the Jewish tradition and I do not find anything wrong with that. I enjoy that." --speaking to the Religious Action Center of Reform Judaism

"I was very sick the day of the debate. I had all of the problems with the flu and bronchitis that you have, including running to the bathroom. I was just hanging on. I could not wait until the debate got off so I could go to the bathroom." --on why he said at a GOP presidential debate that an employer should be allowed to fire gay workers, after previously having blamed a faulty hearing aid for his answer
Mike Huckabee
"If a person dresses provocatively, they're calling attention -- maybe not the most desirable kind -- to private parts of their body." --after being asked whether he's against miniskirts

01-07-2007, 11:14 AM

01-07-2007, 11:33 AM
Sin Of Lying

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want
you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the
minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many
had read Mark 17. Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

01-07-2007, 11:15 PM
A different sort of humour, perhaps, from my cousin in Liverpool

Owed Two a Spelling Chequer

Eye halve a spelling chequer;

It came with my pea sea.

It plane lee marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye em wrong oar write;

It shows mi strait a weigh.

Adz soon adze a mist ache as maid,

It nose bee fore two lawn,

And eye can put the era rite;

Its rare lea Eva Ron.

Eye have run this pome threw it,

I em shore your please two no.

Its let her purr fuck awl the weigh,

My chequer tolled mi sew.

02-07-2007, 09:31 PM
Little Johnny on a farm runs indoors shouting, "Mummy mummy the bulls fucking the cow"

"No Johnny you must be polite and say the bull is surprising the cow", says his mother.

Later on that day Johnny runs in again and shouts, "Mummy mummy the bull is surprising all the cows".

"No Johnny the bull can't surprise all the cows", says his mum.

"Yes he can, he's fucking the horse!!!!"

02-07-2007, 09:32 PM
A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot, she's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later a cop sees them and starts banging on the window shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh sorry I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

02-07-2007, 09:36 PM
Paddy was in a shop and he said to the shopkeeper "whats that" pointing to a thermos flask.

The shopkeeper said its a flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold. How does that work then said Paddy, shopkeeper says I dont know it just does does. Ill have one says Paddy.

Next day at work Paddys mate says to paddy whats that so paddy tels him its a flask, it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold,how does it work he asks and Paddy replies I dont know it just does What have you got in it Paddy he asks and Paddy replies " a cup of tea and an ice-cream"

02-07-2007, 09:41 PM
Man in the Pub feeling very downharted, The barman asks whats wrong?

" Its my bloody wife I think she's having an affair ". So the Barman asks well what are you going to do about it?

" I love to kill the Bitch, but I wouldnt want to do the time, if I got caught "

So the Barman suggests he talk to Artie, a rough looking musclehead with tattos and piercing, after explaining his problem with Artie, the solution is found, Artie will kill his wife and because Artie hates women so much, he agrees to do the job for just one pound.

So the arangement is made, Artie will kill the mans wife next Saturday morning at Tescos, when she is doing the weekly shop.

So Saturday arrives and the man rings Artie to make sure he's in place and to tell Artie, that his wife is 35yrs, 5ft 6",blonde hair, and is wearing a light blue tracksuit.

So Artie gets into position is some bushes in Tesco's Carpark and waits, soon after he see's a woman leaving the store pushing a trolley, and she matches the description given. So without delay he creeps up behind her, drags her into the bushes and strangles her to death.

Just as he thought the job was done he see's another woman, wearing a similar tracksuit and with similar hair, age, etc. Fearing he has killed the wrong woman, Artie grabs this woman to, and she meets the same fate as the first.

Sadly for Artie he doesnt make it to far before being caught by the Police, and arrested for double murder.

So as you can imagine, the two killings hit all the local and National papers next morning all the front pages, covered with the gross details, one paper simply had the following headline.

" Artie chokes, two for a pound at Tesco's "

02-07-2007, 09:44 PM
A little girl goes into the barbers Shop with her Dad and stands next to the Barber's chair, eating a cake, while her Dad gets his hair cut. The Barber smiles at her and says, " Sweethart, you're going to get hair on your muffin". " I Know" she replies, " And I'm going to get big tits too!"

02-07-2007, 10:15 PM

02-07-2007, 10:18 PM


02-07-2007, 10:34 PM


02-07-2007, 10:44 PM