A humour thread

[accuracy]

'DEFINITION OF ACCELERATION'

http://www.jokesy.com/images/dragster-acceleration.jpg

One top fuel dragster 500 cubic inch Hemi engine makes more horsepower than the first 4 rows of stock cars at the Daytona 500.

It takes just 15/100ths of a second for all 6,000 horsepower of an NHRA Top Fuel dragster engine to reach the rear wheels.

Under full throttle, a dragster engine consumes 1-1/2 gallons of nitro methane per second; a fully loaded 747 consumes jet fuel at the same rate with 25% less energy being produced.

A stock Dodge Hemi V8 engine cannot produce enough power to drive the dragster's supercharger.

With 3,000 CFM of air being rammed in by the supercharger on overdrive, the fuel mixture is compressed into a near-solid form before ignition.

Cylinders run on the verge of hydraulic lock at full throttle.

At the stoichiometric (stoichiometry: methodology and technology by which quantities of reactants and products in chemical reactions are determined) 1.7:1 air/fuel mixture of nitro methane, the flame front temperature measures 7,050 deg F.

Nitro methane burns yellow. The spectacular white flame seen above the stacks at night is raw burning hydrogen, dissociated from atmospheric water vapor by the searing exhaust gases.

Dual magnetos supply 44 amps to each spark plug. This is the output of an arc welder in each cylinder.

Spark plug electrodes are totally consumed during a pass.
After halfway, the engine is dieseling from compression, plus the glow of exhaust valves at 1,400 deg F. The engine can only be shut down by cutting the fuel flow.

If spark momentarily fails early in the run, unburned nitro builds up in the affected cylinders and then explodes with sufficient force to blow cylinder heads off the block in pieces or split the block in half.

In order to exceed 300 mph in 4.5 seconds, dragsters must accelerate an average of over 4G's. In order to reach 200 mph (well before half-track), the launch acceleration approaches 8G's .

Dragsters reach over 300 miles per hour before you have completed reading this sentence

Top fuel engines turn approximately 540 revolutions from light to light! Including the burnout, the engine must only survive 900 revolutions under load .

The redline is actually quite high at 9,500 rpm.

Assuming all the equipment is paid off, the crew is working for free, and for once NOTHING BLOWS UP, each run costs an estimate $1,000.00 per second.

The current top fuel dragster elapsed time record is 4.428 seconds for the quarter mile (11/12/06, Tony Schumacher,at Pomona, CA). The top speed record is 336.15 mph as measured over the last 66' of the run (05/25/05 Tony Schumacher, at Hebron, OH).

Putting all of this into perspective: You are driving the average $140,000 Lingenfelter 'twin-turbo' powered Corvette Z06. Over a mile up the road, a top fuel dragster is staged and ready to launch down a quarter mile strip as you pass.
You have the advantage of a flying start. You run the 'Vette hard up through the gears and blast across the starting line and pass the dragster at an honest 200 mph. The 'tree' goes green for both of you at that moment. The dragster launches and starts after you. You keep your foot down hard, but you hear an incredibly brutal whine that sears your eardrums and within 3 seconds, the dragster catches and passes you. He beats you to the finish line, a quarter mile away from where you just passed him. Think about it, from a standing start, the dragster had spotted you 200 mph and not only caught, but nearly blasted you off the road when he passed you within a mere 1,320 foot long race course.

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/giant-rubber--band-ball.jpg
Joel Waul, 28, climbs on top of his rubber band ball on the driveway of his home in Lauderhill, Fla., Friday, Oct. 23, 2009. Waul, a 27-year-old who works nights restocking a Gap clothing store, has spent the last six years carefully wrapping and linking and stretching rubber bands of various sizes into the ball shape. The Guinness Book of World Records declared it the world's largest rubber band ball in 2008. Photo/Alan Diaz

[evillive]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-disguise-fail.jpg

[ricko]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q-KjSY1RMFE

LOL!!!:D

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-coffee-cup-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037153.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037154.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037149.jpg

[evillive]

Maps- Miss West Carolina speaks out....great parody.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUE1Cu04Jzo

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/innovation1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/129013940658412755.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/426.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/MichaelB-masculinehealthday.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-sign-offer-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-warning-win.jpg

[ozpixie]

It's not too filthy until they rub it on the door lock so you cannot leave. Just joking!

Seriously when we owned a cleaning company we were always wiping poo off the walls - but nobody ever wrote a love note to me *sniff*. NEVER EVER TOUCH THE LOCK ON A DUNNY DOOR with bare hands!!! Your life might depend on it.

[astrochicken]

at least 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow!



lol

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/1116men-women0219890.jpg

[accuracy]

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.

The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.

"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."

[accuracy]

It is well known that humor is regional, but this is the first joke that I can say is truly Victorian:

http://www.jokesy.com/images/carlton-draught-beer-joke.jpg

At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria) and West End (South Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.

When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New."

The head of XXXX smiled and said, "Make mine a XXXX Gold."

To which the boss of West End rejoined, "I'll have a West End, the King of Beers."

And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."

The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke."

The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head.

"Well,” he said with a shrug, “if you poofters aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."




If you laughed, you are such a bogan!

[accuracy]

When you already think things are bad, they can get worse.

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/proof.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/suma-halloween.jpg

Team members of Spin Cycle Racing out of Salt Lake City enjoy a ride on their 4th annual Halloween 'Sumo Ride' Saturday, Oct. 31, 2009 in Salt Lake City. The annual event organized by Ken Webster, amused motorists with a group of 13 riders, up from 3 in it's inaugural year.
Photo/Steve C. Wilson

[accuracy]

dial up SUXSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

[onourwayto2012]

I laughed...... but what's a bogan??

[accuracy]

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out on a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"

Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to have red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing.

When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

"Pierre! What are you doing?", asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to have white wine!"

They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.

Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"

Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7CxXnqEdhQg

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=njIRfJiB0_w

[neville fan]

Good stuff accuracy.

[accuracy]

Good stuff accuracy.

Thanks neville fan. :D

[accuracy]

wedding breakdown


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEQgUHFDb6s

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/unde827wege.jpg

[accuracy]

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...

[accuracy]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....



'Circumcised'
(this is priceless!)


A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'I thought I told you to call your mum!' she said.
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[accuracy]

Trap Door


http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/506.jpg
You know, I hate having to pull my pants down and my shirt up to take a sh*t too. I think you have just invented a genius new idea there big guy!

Florida

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/129014379247274474.jpg

Some one needs a little lotion…

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/daily_picdump_274_02.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=velHjDukN4Q

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-baggy-shirt-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/128kengero230948.jpg

[tracker]

A famous sexologist was giving a lecture in front of a big crowd.

"There are 4 kinds of men when it comes to sex. The first kind does it every day. You can usually recognize him by his masculine body and the constant smile on his face. Do we have anyone like this in the audience?"

A man got up from the audience and he fitted the description: Big firm body with a smile on his face.

"Then there is the second kind. They have sex once a week. They also have a generally happy mood, and look pretty good, but of course not as good as the first kind. Is there any one of them here tonight?".

A second man got up, and he too fitted the description.

"The third kind do it once a month. They are chubby and usually grumpy. Anyone of them here?".

The man that raised from his chair looked exactly like the expert claimed.

"And then there is the 4th kind. They do it once a year. They usually have a big belly, but the thing that is most tipical is that they are in a constant state of depression. I know it would be hard for him to admit, but if there is one of those in the audience, please rise".

A fat and short man stood up, but in contrary to the experts prediction, he looked very cheerful.

"You do it only once a year?", the expert asked.

"Yes, only once a year".

"So why are you so happy?", demanded the expert.

"Well", said the man, cheeringly, "Tonight is the night!"...




actually the above joke was meant to be titled "sex makes people happy".

:)

[tracker]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/128kengero230948.jpg

:D

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037221.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037222.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/dog39walker3.jpg

[accuracy]

There were 4 people: A Congress man, George Bush, Osama Bin Laden and a solider and they were all in a helicopter. The pilot said that someone needs to jump, so Osama jumps and says: "this is for my country". A couple minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the congress man jumps and says : "this is for my country". So a few minutes later the pilot says someone needs to jump so the solider says: "this is for my country" and pushes George Bush out the window.

[accuracy]

Who Knew 4H Had More Gear Than Marching Band?

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/129016705814681723.jpg

[accuracy]

Apparently That Sign Says It’s “For Sale” Wonder Why?

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/129011605186229988.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129015801301215375.jpg

The Penis salt and pepper shakers, of course!

[coco]

http://i34.tinypic.com/259batu.jpg
http://i38.tinypic.com/2dv35ew.jpg
http://i37.tinypic.com/2evydza.gif
http://i35.tinypic.com/er0vhy.gif
http://i36.tinypic.com/11jm9hg.gif
http://i35.tinypic.com/szfw49.gif
http://i38.tinypic.com/4qizvt.gif
http://i33.tinypic.com/j8faev.gif
http://i36.tinypic.com/10ckoph.gif
http://i35.tinypic.com/2wq99vn.gif

[coco]

http://i34.tinypic.com/3516emu.jpg
http://i33.tinypic.com/1zv4cvd.jpg
http://i37.tinypic.com/kb4mm1.jpg
http://i35.tinypic.com/2zi7ck4.jpg
http://i35.tinypic.com/idfak3.jpg
http://i36.tinypic.com/118q1cm.jpg

[coco]

http://i35.tinypic.com/v3olue.jpg
http://i35.tinypic.com/166f0yf.jpg
http://i36.tinypic.com/11828p4.jpg

[martg]

LOL, I love those adverts coco. :D

[coco]

LOL, I love those adverts coco. :D

Thanks, they came to me in an e mail entitled, 'You can't make this stuff up'. :)

[merlincove]

4601

4602

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'


****

[onourwayto2012]

http://i35.tinypic.com/v3olue.jpg
http://i35.tinypic.com/166f0yf.jpg
http://i36.tinypic.com/11828p4.jpg

The Walmart one is SO funny....esp. in light of this website: wwwpeopleofwalmart.com. And it's the same here in my town..... heck one of the like supervisor type people is a woman with a mullet.....and they conveniently built right at the edge of the edge of the area of the city where the majority of these "Walmart" type people live...... most of the employees are that type as well...... fascinating!

[accuracy]

I just love everyones posts here!!!!!!!!!!!:D:D

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037256.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/529.jpg
Dear young females out there, remember when your parents said you would regret that lower back tattoo because it won’t look sexy when you get older; this is what they meant.
California
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/531.jpg

I guess a bathing suit cover isn’t as self explanatory as I thought it was. Here is a hint, it is supposed to COVER!
Nebraska

From the site:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=2

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037267.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/536.jpg
Wow, nothing says “I know how to make friends” like a shirt that incorporates computers AND farting!
Ohio

From the site:
http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/

[accuracy]

Please let me post... am wasting too much time.

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129019354947796070.jpg

Thank you (2nd time 'round)
to post a pic.

[accuracy]

Moving on to other threads.
Ciao

[coco]

Little Jimmy Dickens spoofs Kanye West at the Country Music Awards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4UvPrjGclU

[martg]

Moving on to other threads.
Ciao

Thanks for all the great funnies accuracy :D
(I hope you find the time to drop back in and post some more soon)

Little Jimmy Dickens spoofs Kanye West at the Country Music Awards

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4UvPrjGclU

LOL good one :D

[accuracy]

Thanks for all the great funnies accuracy :D
(I hope you find the time to drop back in and post some more soon)



LOL good one :D

I only meant last night martg.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/112staticpolice241.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/129016875860566059.jpg

[merlincove]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/112staticpolice241.jpg

proper funny :D

[martg]

I only meant last night martg.

sorry :o

[coco]

From my home town:

http://news.aol.com/article/florida-man-arrested-for-calling-911/765972

Man Arrested After Calling 911 for Sex

TAMPA, Fla. (Nov. 13) -- Florida police say a man arrested for repeatedly calling 911 looking for sex claimed it was the only number he could dial after running out of cell phone minutes.

Tampa police said 29-year-old Joshua Basso made sexual comments to the 911 dispatcher and asked if he could come to her house. Investigators say she hung up, but he called back four more times.

He was arrested about 15 minutes later at his home late Wednesday and charged with making a false 911 call. Basso reportedly told officers that he didn't think he would get in trouble for calling 911.

Tampa jail records show Basso is being held without bond but don't indicate whether he has an attorney. He is listed as unemployed with arrests for theft and other crimes dating back to 2001.

[cleopatraxxx]

http://photos-g.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc3/hs041.snc3/12851_1254713841283_1032662125_809949_6851179_n.jp g
GOVERNMENT CITIZENS BANKS

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/bugatti_water.jpg

In this Wednesday, Nov. 11, 2009 photo, wrecker driver Gilbert Harrison, with MCH Towing, attaches a towing cable to a Bugatti Veyron that was driven into the water near Omega Bay in La Marque, Texas. A man blamed a low-flying pelican and a dropped cell phone for his veering his million-dollar sports car off a road and into a salt marsh near Galveston. Photo/The Galveston County Daily News, Chris Paschenko

[accuracy]

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-quality-fail1.jpg

[nofuture]

Viz comic strip , conspiracy theorist Grassy Knollington. :D

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a354/StuartB77/GrassyKnollington1.jpg
http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a354/StuartB77/GrassyKnollington2.jpg

[evillive]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/fb_am.jpg?w=500&h=343

LolZ

[evillive]

So wrong

http://seopetriii.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/burgerfat_donald_by_donmak.jpg

[cleopatraxxx]

4601

4602

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of Lake Burley Griffin in Canberra

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size
As kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the lake near the parking lot by the Parliament House.'

'Same here. Hmm.. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock
The car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
Them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not
Getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit
Out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an arsehole and a briefcase.'


****

fantastic! PMSL

[cleopatraxxx]

for all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.....



'circumcised'
(this is priceless!)


a teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
'i thought i told you to call your mum!' she said.
'i did,' he said, 'and she told me that if i could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

brilliant!!!!!!

[accuracy]

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word.

She finally asked him, "Well what should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well, I don't think you should spank him."

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/ouch-my-groin.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/squirrel-marines.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/SafeRedirect1.jpg

C’mon, even your mohawk is sloppy and unkempt.

Connecticut

http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/?paged=2

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-child-swing-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Thank you for me to post more freely,
not this repeatedly "knocking in the web dialogue window" in order to post.


:D

[coco]

Oh dear, now you've got me started on squirrel photos. :)

Crasher Squirrel!

http://i38.tinypic.com/6fxxqd.jpg

http://i34.tinypic.com/xbz7tz.jpg

http://i37.tinypic.com/4ixw5z.jpg

http://i35.tinypic.com/33cvngx.jpg

http://i35.tinypic.com/210lg1f.jpg

http://i34.tinypic.com/34goz9y.jpg

[coco]

http://i33.tinypic.com/1y5z74.jpg

http://i34.tinypic.com/2sabh1v.jpg

http://i38.tinypic.com/288nhv4.jpg

http://i34.tinypic.com/jfw70n.jpg

http://i37.tinypic.com/33m1hci.jpg

[coco]

Squirrel Is Everywhere

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota- A photo of a squirrel ruining a vacation photo has become a hit on the internet. But don't be fooled. While squirrels are evil they are not everywhere, says comedian Tim Bedore. "I have seen photos of squirrels being at the Hindenburg crash and with John Wilkes Booth but those images are the work of some sort of digital photo editing program. I can't convince the world of how squirrels want to bring down the Western world with phony evidence," said the conspiracy obsessed comedian.

http://i36.tinypic.com/10r0by8.jpg

[martg]

:eek: they're everywhere,

RUN FOR YOUR LIVES

[accuracy]

Pinocchio had just finished having sex with his girlfriend, and he asked her, "So ... how was I?" She said, "Well, Pinocchio ... I hate to say this, but when we have sex, you give me splinters!"

Pinocchio was devastated. He went running to Gepetto, crying, "My girlfriend says that when we have sex, I give her splinters! Is there anything you can do?"

Gepetto says, "What you need, my boy, is a piece of sandpaper. Use this once a day, and that'll solve the problem."

About a month later, Gepetto ran into Pinocchio on the street. "How was that sandpaper I gave you?" He asked. "Are you still having problems with the girls?"

"Girls?" Pinocchio asked. "Who needs girls?"

[accuracy]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide"

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband"
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband".
That's against the law!. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-answer-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-movie-store-sticker-win.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129021183988272219.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/553.jpg
“Hey PoWM, how do you know if someone has too much time on their hands?” Great question. Well, a terrific start would be to spot the person who created their own moronic shirt to distract people from the absolutely awful mess they created on their head.

Virginia

[branjo]

Found this on a YT channel, just had to share.

A fundamentalist preacher took a walk one day and happened upon a young girl playing with something in a cardboard box. When he got closer he saw that in the box was a litter of new-born kittens. "What kind of kittens are those?" asked the preacher.

"Why, they're Christian kittens," replied the little girl. The preacher walked on, pleased that the little girl had Jesus foremost in her thoughts.

A few days later the preacher saw the little girl again.

"And how are your little Christian kittens doing today?" asked the man of God.
"Oh, they aren't Christian kittens, they're Athiest kittens," replied the girl.
"But...but... I thought you said last week that they were Christian kittens?" sputtered the flabbergasted preacher. "Oh, they were. But now their eyes are open!!"

:D

[evillive]

I love this guy and his random jokes about everything:) Harland Williams.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXnxhdp32HM

[merlincove]

Family Guy - The Original Chicken Fight


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jpoki4wBwtA

i've not laughed so much in ages, thanks shenoma :D

[branjo]

Aww the chicken fight was a classic, love that show.

[coco]

Hahaha! I just watched it. Very dramatic. :p

[branjo]

My all time favourite Family Guy clip has to be this one though.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YOh-rpvjYg

[alrick888]

http://sn122w.snt122.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.68.119/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3dba6f183d-08bd-485d-9d56-6c52e9248371.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUMDAwMDEuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253a8DE24147CEB84D4AB47EE 9C53B094821%2540Laptop%26msgHash%3dfffffffffffffff f&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.110.8&d=d469&mf=0&a=01_94c0501e61411697555421e4793dd4ad74b3d264278a5 bc6060eb415ca0ee9d4


DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

http://sn122w.snt122.mail.live.com/mail/SafeRedirect.aspx?hm__tg=http://65.55.68.119/att/GetAttachment.aspx&hm__qs=file%3d222837fe-1073-4d53-bdbf-8fd693f1196d.jpg%26ct%3daW1hZ2UvanBlZw_3d_3d%26nam e%3dQVRUMDAwMDIuanBn%26inline%3d1%26rfc%3d0%26empt y%3dFalse%26imgsrc%3dcid%253aFD126A6A3B1E4269B9E6C 282BBF71065%2540Laptop%26msgHash%3dfffffffffffffff f&oneredir=1&ip=10.13.110.8&d=d469&mf=0&a=01_94c0501e61411697555421e4793dd4ad74b3d264278a5 bc6060eb415ca0ee9d4

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE ! "

:D

[coco]

^^

Bwahahaha!!!!

[amethyst]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqm-A43AnUI&feature=PlayList&p=D0DA6F39A95B60F2&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=36

[coco]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bqm-A43AnUI&feature=PlayList&p=D0DA6F39A95B60F2&playnext=1&playnext_from=PL&index=36

That was a great show.

[amethyst]

That was a great show.

Word to ya Mutha......

[accuracy]

http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/7206/terrorist1.jpg

http://img32.imageshack.us/img32/5967/terrorist2.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-stock-photo-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-underwear-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/bambo-scaffolding.jpg

Bamboo scaffolding students developing their skills at the Construction Industry Council (CIC) training academy in Hong Kong. Nicknamed "spiders" for their gravity-defying skills in web-like constructions, Hong Kong's bamboo scaffolders have risen above predictions that their trade would disappear.
Photo/Ed Jones

[coco]

http://i48.tinypic.com/osr5et.jpg

[coco]

http://i47.tinypic.com/14xpd8l.jpg

[merlincove]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWeXpNyqOrU

[branjo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWeXpNyqOrU

He he he, feckin awesome, lmao :D

[merlincove]

He he he, feckin awesome, lmao :D

They played it on radio two this morning as i was driving to work, and i was laughing so much, it was a nice start to the day :D

i've looked for the lyrics, but i can't find em anyplace other than some similar, but not the same.

i had tears in my eyes listening to it :D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/coe04959depa.jpg

[accuracy]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "John, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

John says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just pooped my pants."

[nofuture]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3421/3779513840_3e666fc7a4.jpg

[accuracy]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.



Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-banner-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/RefusalToCarry-P.jpg

[hells hero]

Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French and
It's all organized by the Swiss.



Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss and
It's all organized by the Italians.


Do the brits have a reputation for having a good police force or something?

[phildee3]

Do the brits have a reputation for having a good police force or something?



Up until recently, yes.

It's an old joke.

[accuracy]

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........






Scroll Down




http://www.jokesy.com/images/penis-stuck.JPG

[branjo]

A co-worker got a pen stuck inside our printer. He started to try and remove the pen, but I told him we don't have time for that now, just put a note on the printer telling folks not to use it and then report it to the Help Desk. So he grabbed a piece of paper and scrawled on it. I left before he finished the note.


About 20 minutes later, one of my techs comes in laughing and says he was just in the lobby, saw a piece of paper on a printer and went to investigate. Attached is what he found.. Sometimes things don't always come out the way you want them to........






Scroll Down




http://www.jokesy.com/images/penis-stuck.JPG

:D lol

[accuracy]

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat.

The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor.

She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?"

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[accuracy]

Sucks for this guy, he's going to have to wear a shirt for a year


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/sunburn-prank.jpg

[accuracy]

1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed
2. All polar bears are left-handed
3. If your car is stolen, there�s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
3. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
3. Therefore, all dogs are cats

1. A total of 4000 cans are opened around the world every second
2. Ten babies are conceived around the world every second
3. Each time you open a can, you stand a 1 in 400 chance of becoming pregnant.

[accuracy]

http://www.allweirdpics.com/pictures/Werido_Fish_Head.jpg

[lewi]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jag7oTemldY

[lewi]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vJ3emd3phLY

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: [Fwd: Guess who they are...]

Can you guess who they are...?

http://img687.imageshack.us/img687/5811/guesswhokc.jpg

Scroll Down

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
..




Fucked if I know either...

[accuracy]

Subject: Fw: How's the missus


http://img149.imageshack.us/img149/7821/missus.jpg

[coco]

http://i50.tinypic.com/2v1mfqe.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2qtwdhw.jpg
http://i48.tinypic.com/28qqlci.jpg
http://i49.tinypic.com/dytxmw.jpg
http://i48.tinypic.com/28i2jc9.jpg

[amethyst]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jag7oTemldY

Lol :p

He actually makes farming sexy :D

[coco]

http://i45.tinypic.com/289jsx2.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/r70q35.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/s43pdh.jpg
http://i48.tinypic.com/2vmzew5.jpg
http://i47.tinypic.com/2zyj794.jpg

[amethyst]

http://i50.tinypic.com/2v1mfqe.jpg
http://i46.tinypic.com/2qtwdhw.jpg
http://i48.tinypic.com/28qqlci.jpg
http://i49.tinypic.com/dytxmw.jpg
http://i48.tinypic.com/28i2jc9.jpg

:eek: :D

love the pink frilly socks with the trainers....

[coco]

Oh hi, Amethyst. Just came back from shopping. :)

[amethyst]

Oh hi, Amethyst. Just came back from shopping. :)

I know which one you are :D

[coco]

I know which one you are :D

:eek:

Stealth mode activated! :cool:

[petercookie]

GREAT thread, this cheers for the laughs//////

[evillive]

:confused::eek::p

http://seopetriii.files.wordpress.com/2009/06/hailbloody_2.jpg

[accuracy]

GREAT thread, this cheers for the laughs//////

It's great having other's sharing the laughs. :D

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/be938gu9pu.jpg

[accuracy]

A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots
the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine
leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks
around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes
a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing
next to her is Andre a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching
it, you are going to SHIT when you hear the price."

[accuracy]

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!

WHAT WAS GOING ON?

They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[accuracy]

In Memoriam




With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037352.jpg

[accuracy]

Happy Thanksgiving from FAIL Blog. Eat your, uh, cake.


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-cake-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-airplane-seat-fail.jpg

[coco]

Bad Jokes, Lord I love 'em......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O35iphfiMhs

[accuracy]

Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies

You love movies? So do the people who make movies. Sometimes, they love movies so much, they make other movies within the movies. And sometimes those faux movies look so great, you wish they were real.

Well, get your fake popcorn popped, because below the staff of Filmcritic.com "reviews" 14 of our favorite fake films from real films (and one sitcom). They don't exist, but that makes them all the better.


Check it out:
http://www.filmcritic.com/misc/emporium.nsf/reviews/Top-14-Fake-Movies-from-Real-Movies

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-bike-pants-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129035783545678382.jpg

[branjo]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-bike-pants-fail.jpg

OMG make it stop !!!

[coco]

Top 14 Fake Movies from Real Movies


Check it out:
http://www.filmcritic.com/misc/emporium.nsf/reviews/Top-14-Fake-Movies-from-Real-Movies

Yes! 'Fake Purse Ninjas' is on the list!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKoiOchGe3g

Did you see his moves? His energy is so great and focused he need not even touch his opponent! Jet Li has NOTHING on Murphy.

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/hello-my-name-is-carmen.JPG

A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello. My name is Carmen.”

“That’s a beautiful name,” he replied. “Is it a family name?”

“No,” she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose “Carmen.” What’s your name?”


He answered “B.J. Titsengolf.”

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037344.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-g-spot-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/604.jpg
You actually being able to spell either one of those words on your own seems more of an impossible mission to me.

Texas

[accuracy]

Funny Babies 1


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBxq0QIIL7Q


Funny Babies 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=055ZA5kGfAs

Very funny! :D

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/shavebaby-P.jpg

[accuracy]

During an hour's swimming at a municipal pool you will ingest 1 1/2 liter of urine.
That should quench once thirst!




In an average day your hands will have come into indirect contact with 15 penises (touching door handles, etc)
I've started opening doors with my feet!





An average person's yearly fast food intake will contain 12 pubic hairs.
Hairball....wonder if Brazilians are bringing this number down?





In a year you will have swallowed 14 insects - while you slept!
So maybe breakfast isn't that important afterall!


http://www.jokesy.com/images/eating-spiders-while-you-sleep.JPG

Annually you will shake hands with 11 women who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
Can you name 5 of them????
.





Annually you will shake hands with 36 men who have recently masturbated and failed to wash their hands.
I'll bet you can name all of them....





In a lifetime 22 workmen will have examined the contents of your dirty linen basket.
If the man of the house is doing the work....does he count???





At an average wedding reception you have a 1/100 chance of getting a cold sore from one of the guests.
Perhaps this is why marriage seems to be on the decline???





Daily you will breathe in 1 liter of other peoples' anal gases.
I'd be willing to bet this varies by household???






HAVE A GREAT DAY... ...and wash your damn hands!

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-customer-service-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

Three men were sitting in a bar talking about how whipped they had their wives.

The first two kept bragging about how they could get their wives to do anything.

They looked at the third man and he said, "I have my wife so whipped that the other day I had her crawling towards me on her hands and knees."

Both of the other men were very impressed and asked him how he had managed that.

The man replied, "Well, I was lying under the bed and she crawled over and said, "Come out and fight like a man

[accuracy]

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/129036405174857394.jpg

[accuracy]

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/129035593562575772.jpg
“Objects in mirror are less effervescent than they appear.”

[white horse]

:eek: :D

love the pink frilly socks with the trainers....

only just noticed that!!! :eek:

[coco]

only just noticed that!!! :eek:

Heh, heh. I have to admit I was going to make mention of it when I posted the pic, but then decided to remain silent to see if anyone would notice.

I'm like that sometimes. :cool:

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/0554.jpg

[accuracy]

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

[neville fan]

Great stuff accuracy. Keep em coming.

[branjo]

LOL! very good. :)

[vril]

Ladies, Read Only The First Part – Men, The Rest

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis to whom women will flock." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers, continue reading....

...
...
...
...
...
...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife

Moral of the story: Women think they're so smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

Best. Post. Ever.

[dreamykipper]

A man and his children are eating some Venison for dinner, when one of the children asks

"What meat is this Daddy?"

"Guess" he answers. Confident than the children will not guess.

"Is it Rabbit?" asks his son

"Nope" says the father

"Is it Beef" asks his daughter

"Nope" he answers

"Is it Duck"

"Nope" he answers smiling "I will give you a clue. Sometimes you mother calls me this"

The son shouts out "EEURGGHH Stop eating it it's a fucking knob!"

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/f204fl.jpg

[accuracy]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
Woman: "Why?"
Man: "Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."

[accuracy]

In the days of the Depression, a family had trapped a few ducks. As they needed some things only money could buy, the father requested his three sons take a duck each and travel around trying to sell them. They agreed and headed off on seperate ways.

The youngest of them knocked on the door of a nearby farm house and a shapely young blonde farm girl answered the door.

"S'cuse me ma'am" said the guy. "I'm wunderin' if y'd be intrested in buyin this here duck frum me". The woman replied "I'd sure like me that plump duck to cook fur our supper, but I aint got no money to spare". "How about a fuck for it?" she asked. The man didn't hesitate and replied "Sure!".

After they'd done the deal, the lonely farm girl said "If'n yer fuck me again - ya can have the duck back".

So he did, and afterwards headed off along the road with the duck still under his arm. Soon a large truck roared past the man which frightened the duck so much that it jumped out of his arms and right under the wheels where it was squashed.

The truck driver stopped and got out to speak with the man who explained that he was out trying to get money for his family by selling the duck. The truck driver felt remorse and offered the guy a dollar for his trouble. The man agreed and headed for home with the money in his pocket.

That evening as they all gathered around the table, the father asked them how they did.

The first son replied "I done good pa, I got me three dollars fur my duck".

The second son replied "I done better 'n him pa, I got five dollars".

Then the third son leaned back in his chair showing a cheeky grin and said "I done better 'n all uf yers, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck and a buck for a fucked up duck!".

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-sailing-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZaTWOH5zWk

[branjo]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozatwoh5zwk

lmmfao !!! :D

fail

[accuracy]

18 Ways To Confuse Santa

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa"

7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

8. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy." Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa"

11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

16. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.

17. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

18. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

[accuracy]

Dear Jim:

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car started stalling and then it broke down about a mile down the road and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely,


Kim
----------------------------- ----------------------------- --------

Dear Kim:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.


I hope this helps,

Jim

http://www.jokesy.com/images/men-advice-columns.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-candy-store-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129032315284808132.jpg

[accuracy]

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129019336086269107.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/Copy%20of%20catholic.jpg

[branjo]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/Copy%20of%20catholic.jpg

:D awesome lol.

[alrick888]

http://boredthoughts.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/hangover-bear.jpg

[coco]

A married couple in their early 60's were celebrating their 40th Wedding
Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant....

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each
other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling
husband." The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the
Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than I." The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!....the husband became 93 years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.

[rynath]

The US is in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me...

and there you are, sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes...

Nice. Real nice. :p

[branjo]

the us is in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 20 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing osama bin-laden.

Which leaves 17.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 15.8 million people who work for state and city governments. That leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me...

And there you are, sitting on your ass,

at your computer, reading jokes...


Nice. Real nice. :p

lol !!!

[accuracy]

Weirdest Hotel Rooms (Austria)!!


http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Weirdest-Hotel-Rooms-Austria1.jpg

[accuracy]

Amazing Black Magic Toothpick Holder..

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Amazing-Toothpick-Holder.jpg

[accuracy]

World's freakiest door handle!!

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Worlds-Freakiest-Door-Handle1.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allweirdpics.com/pictures/No_Clue.jpg

[branjo]

World's freakiest door handle!!

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/Worlds-Freakiest-Door-Handle1.jpg

And If you give it the right masonic grip, it opens like one of those "backdoors" in the Matrix...:D.

[accuracy]

Police officers George and Mary, had been assigned to
walk the beat.

They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn,
I was running late this morning after my workout and after I
showered, I forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back
to the station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back, just give the K-9
unit, Fido, one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the
station, so she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose
shoots between her legs, sniffing and snorting.

After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he sniffs
the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido.

Ten minutes pass, and the dog is nowhere to be seen.

Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.

Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance.
The sirens get louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a
dozen police cars, Fido rounds the corner with the Desk
Sergeant's balls in his mouth.

[accuracy]

A Greek man walked into a bank in Sydney and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Greece on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Greek man handed over the keys to his new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Greek man produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Greek man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Greek man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07 in full. The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000 when you are a millionaire?"
The Greek man replied, "Malaka, where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?

[accuracy]

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/652.jpg

[accuracy]

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/11/epic-fail-christmas-lights-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

A pair of Mickeys The Adults Can Enjoy

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129033097587956757.jpg

[zenith82]

A mum was in the kitchen and her five year old son was in the lounge with his train set. She hears the train stop and her son says, "all you fuckers who are gettin off, fuck off and all you fucks gettin on, hurry the fuck up". She runs in and says, "we dont use that language here so go to your room for two hours, then play nicely". Two hours goes by and hes back with his train, soon it stops and he says, "all those disembarking, have a safe and pleasant journey home, all boarding, have a safe comfortable trip". The mum starts to smile, but then the son adds, "for those of you pissed off about the two hour delay, take it up with the miserable cunt in the kitchen" :D

[dreamykipper]

A mum was in the kitchen and her five year old son was in the lounge with his train set. She hears the train stop and her son says, "all you fuckers who are gettin off, fuck off and all you fucks gettin on, hurry the fuck up". She runs in and says, "we dont use that language here so go to your room for two hours, then play nicely". Two hours goes by and hes back with his train, soon it stops and he says, "all those disembarking, have a safe and pleasant journey home, all boarding, have a safe comfortable trip". The mum starts to smile, but then the son adds, "for those of you pissed off about the two hour delay, take it up with the miserable cunt in the kitchen" :D

PMSL! veryyy good :)

[wobbler]

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Sheldon. All he wants is anal sex and my asshole is now the size of a 50 pence piece when it used to be the size of a 5 pence piece."
Her Mother says "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman, you live in an 18 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get £5000 a week allowance, you take 6 holidays a year and you want to throw all that away for 45 pence?!"

[wobbler]

Johnny goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest ask, "Is that you, little Johnny Babineaux?
"Yes, Father it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
Johnny says, "I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Comeaux?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Thibodeaux?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Olivier?"
"I'm sorry but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Prejean?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Prudhomme, then?"
"Please, Father," Johnny pleaded, "I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Babineaux and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot attend church services for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Jack slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
Johnny replies, "Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[coco]

http://i41.tinypic.com/b96epv.jpg

[lookfar]

Just got sent this & had to share....:D


Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day. He said “Alastair, I have a great idea? We are going to go all out to win back Middle England.”
“Great but how will we go about it?” said Darling.
“Well” said Brown “we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap. Oh and a labrador, then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other and we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, .......... Oh! And remember not to mention the Hunting With Dogs Act.”

“Right PM” said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a lovely country pub. In they went, with the dog, straight up to the bar.

“Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please” said Brown.

“Good evening, Prime Minister” said the landlord “two pints of best it is, coming up.”

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now and again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay
quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook.. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure, to the bewilderment of Brown and Darling. People of all ages and gender followed suit over the next hour. Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over. “Tell me” said Darling, “Why did all those people come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?”

“Good Lord no!” said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in the pub with two arseholes!'

[lookfar]

:D

The next pandemic

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (Advil seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.

[branjo]

:D

The next pandemic

I went to a dinner party last night, where I and other guests enjoyed copious amounts of alcohol.

I awoke this morning not feeling well, with what could be described as flu-like symptoms; headache, nausea, chills, sore eyes, etc.

From the results of some initial testing, I have unfortunately tested positive for what experts are now calling Wine Flu.

This debilitating condition is very serious - and it appears this is not an isolated case.

Reports are flooding in from all around the country of others diagnosed with Wine Flu. To anyone that starts to exhibit the aforementioned tell-tale signs, experts are recommending a cup of tea and a bit of a lie down.

However, should your condition worsen, you should immediately rent a DVD and take some Advil (Advil seems to be the only drug available that has been proven to help combat this unusual type of flu). Others are reporting a McDonald's Happy Meal can also help in some cases. If not, then further application of the original liquid, in similar quantities to the original dose, has been shown to do the trick.

Wine Flu does not need to be life threatening and, if treated early, can be eradicated within a 24-48 hour period.

NOTE
If you find you are complaining a lot, it may be that it has mutated into Whine Flu. This is particularly common in men and can quickly spread to their partners where the symptoms are detected as a serious case of eye-rolling.


Lmao, "Whine Flu" !!! :D :D :D

[coco]

http://i31.tinypic.com/fdw18l.jpg

[wobbler]

Customs Official : ‘May I know your name?’

Passenger : ‘Batman’

Customs Official : ‘What’s your name!?’

Passenger : ‘My name is Bat-man’

Customs Official : ‘Trying to be funny!? What’s your surname?’

Passenger : ‘Super-man’

Customs Official : ‘So you’re telling me your name is Batman Superman?’

Passenger : ‘Yes’

Customs Official : ‘Arrest this guy…



When they had him in custody — he was asked to show his identification card:
http://www.dailycognition.com/content/image/20/Batman-Bin-Suparman.jpg

http://www.dailycognition.com/index.php/2009/11/09/innocent-passenger-gets-arrested-at-airport-for-his-name.html

[coco]

Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

They got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

They’re such asses ...

[accuracy]

How to wash a man's brain


http://img27.imageshack.us/img27/829/image00113k.gif


Send this to any woman who could use a laugh,
and any man with a good sense of humor!

[accuracy]

An English man, Irishman and a Scottish man are sitting in a pub full of people.

The Englishman says, "The pubs in England are the best. You can buy one drink and get a second one free".

Everyone in the pub agreed and gave a big cheer.

The Scottish man says, "Yeah. That's quite good but in Scotland you can buy one drink and get another 2 for free."

Again, the crowd in the pub gave a big cheer.

The Irish man says "Your two pubs are good, but they are not as good as the ones in Ireland. In Ireland you can buy one pint, get another 3 for free and then get taken into the backroom for sex"

The English says "WOW! Did that happen to you?" and the Irishman replies "No, but it happened to my sister."

[accuracy]

Try not to pass out during a friends house party


http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/try-not-to-move.jpg

[accuracy]

Holiday Carol: 8 Days Of Scientology


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LzcBl-3nQjg

[accuracy]

http://www.jokesy.com/images/tiger-woods-jokes.JPG

Apparently, the only person who can beat Tiger Woods with a golf club is his wife.

What’s the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

Tiger Woods has lost a few endorsement deals, but durex has signed him up for their next advertising multi million campaign, the slogan is” Tiger always gets a hole in one”

Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Elin Nordegren? He asked her for some tips on beating Tiger.

Did you hear Tiger changed his name to Cheetah?

Tiger's other women aren't mistresses. They're provisionals.

Confucius say:
He who drives well in fairway does not always fare well in driveway.

Did you hear Nike's new motto? Just do me.

Tiger crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

Tiger always gives 150 percent. That is why he gave 100 percent to his wife and still had 50 percent left over for all his mistresses.

One of the women who claims she slept with Tiger Woods says they never talked about golf while having sex. However, contractually Tiger was obligated to talk about Nike, Gatorade and American Express.

Tiger Woods was leaving the house, his wife asked him where are you going,,,
He said,,,,, I won’t be long honey,,,, I'm only going to do 3 holes today,,,,,,,

What does Tiger Woods use to clean his ball's ( A BLONDE);;;;;

What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?
Santa stopped at three Ho's!

It is being reported that Elin Nordegren has decided to stay together with Tiger, when asked why she said that with all his practice it would be hard to find a better lover.

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037471.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037472.jpg

[accuracy]

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/129030778286824906.jpg

[accuracy]

Golf Funeral

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

[accuracy]

I’m pretty sure this chair vibrates.


http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/129036558383787426.jpg

[branjo]

If you scroll down so the seat part isn't visible, it looks like something is going on ..lol

[accuracy]

Safety Product Fail


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRRxZ9bVZ4c

[accuracy]

Cat Women Training?

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/129040885738009902.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/tiger_woods_viagra.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/tiger-gov-sc.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/tiger-sponsors-club.jpg

[accuracy]

http://www.bartcop.com/db091212.gif

[coco]

Dave Barry, columnist for the Miami Herald shares his most personal Christmas thoughts and fondest recollections.

Who named these guys wise men?
BY DAVE BARRY

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 5, 2004.)

Christmastime is a festive time - a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button. I prefer traditional Christmas carols, such as Ding Dong Merrily on High. I am not making this carol up. The lyrics are:
"Ding dong merrily on high!"
(Something something something)

I don't know the rest, because I never got past the first line without cracking up. This song used to absolutely slay me and my boyhood friends when we sang it in St. Stephen's Episcopal Church in Armonk, N.Y. And no wonder: It is a well-known axiom of music, discovered in 1783 by Mozart (this was Herb Mozart), that "there is no such thing as a bad song that has 'ding dong' in the title." Other examples are Ding Dong the Witch is Dead and Shama Lama Ding Dong, which is not to be confused with Rama Lama Ding Dong, also an excellent song.

But getting back to Christmas: My point is that, although this is a festive time of year, it can also be a difficult and stressful time for a certain group - a group whose needs, all too often, are overlooked in our society. That group is: men.

Why is the Christmas season so hard on men? There are many complex reasons, by which I mean: women.

This problem dates back to the very first Christmas. We know from the Bible that the Wise Men showed up in Bethlehem and gave the baby Jesus gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh. Now, gold is always a nice gift, but frankincense and myrrh - at least according to my dictionary - are gum resins. Who gives gum resins to a baby?

The answer is: men. The Wise Men, being men, didn't even START shopping for gifts until the last minute, when most of the stores in the greater Bethlehem area were closed for Christmas Eve. The only place still open was Big Stu's House of Myrrh.

So the Wise Men showed up at the manger, handed their baby gifts to Mary, and headed for the eggnog. Mary looked at the gifts - which were not wrapped, nor were they accompanied by cards - rolled her eyes, tossed the gum resins to the goats (which ate them) and said: "Next Christmas, we are going to have some gift-giving RULES." But the Wise Men didn't hear her, because by then they were over by the crib trying to teach the Baby Jesus to pull their finger.

This is basically how things stand today. At this point in the Christmas season, your standard woman has already purchased and wrapped thoughtful gifts for approximately 600 people, including her children, her relatives, her friends, her husband's relatives, her co-workers, the children of her friends, relatives of children of her friends, coworkers of friends of her relatives, husbands of her coworkers' relatives' friends, etc. She has also purchased several thoughtful gifts for nobody in particular, so she will not be in the horrifying position of receiving a gift from somebody for whom she does not have a retaliation gift.

In contrast, your standard man, at this point in the Christmas season, has purchased zero gifts. He has not yet gotten around to purchasing an acceptable gift for his wife for LAST Christmas. He did give her something last year, but he could tell by her reaction to it that she had not been dreaming of getting an auto emergency kit, even though it was the deluxe model with booster cables AND an air compressor. Clearly this gift violated an important rule, but the man had no idea what this rule was, and his wife was too upset to tell him.

And now ANOTHER Christmas is looming, and this man, terrified that he will screw up again, has been wracking his brain for gift ideas for his wife. Nothing automotive this time: He won't make THAT mistake again! He's thinking Weed Whacker.

But he's not sure. He's a nervous wreck. A lot of us men are. That's why we buy gifts at the very last minute, or, optionally, never. It's not that we're thoughtless jerks!

Well, OK, thoughtless. But not jerks! We're doing our best to get through a stressful season. So on behalf of all men, I ask all you women to cut us some slack; and accept us for the imperfect beings that we are compared to you; and above all, in the spirit of another great Christmas carol, bring us some figgy pudding.

[branjo]

"retaliation gift", that made me lol. :D

[coco]

The 12 Redneck Days of Christmas

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VJOe3CXE-mA

[dngrs]

http://i.imgur.com/HnpSr.jpg

[coco]

Very clever, dngrs! :D

[martg]

lol, good one dngrs :D

[coco]

Sh*t my dad said (not really my dad, that's the name of the site)

A sampling:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/St-My-Dad-Said-Says/139058343488

"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."

Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer.

"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."

[branjo]

http://i.imgur.com/HnpSr.jpg

Chuck fuckin Norris does it again, lmao :D :D

Did you know that Chuck Norris was born 40 years old? :D

[sebas]

Some one has the pic that David used in his secrets of the matrix conference, were one monkey says to another:

"I've told you a hundred of times don't scratch your ass with both hands"

THanks!!!

[accuracy]

Christmas gift idea


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bXy1iiQgOAM

[accuracy]

Not all Seniors Are Senile

An elderly, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young blonde at his side.

He told the jeweller he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a £5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only £40,000," he said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque clears so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday morning to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up on Monday afternoon," he said.

On Monday morning, the jeweller 'phoned the old man and said "Sir, there's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but let me tell you about my weekend!"

[accuracy]

Christmas Lighting Win


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/epic-fail-christmas-lighting-win.jpg

[accuracy]

and that was the day mommy stopped drinking


http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/epic-fail-driving-fail.jpg

[accuracy]

I Will Pump…You Up!

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/694.jpg
I can’t tell if it’s the onions or that super tight (probably accessorized with a fanny pack full of protein bars) outfit that’s bringing a tear to my eye.

Tennessee

[branjo]

http://media.tumblr.com/vCAgr20eO9wklurkwIm3gB0O_500.jpg

Plenty of time to go get the camera, he's not going anywhere...lmao

[coco]

^^

Oh no! :eek:

[theqleaner]

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/1.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/2.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/3.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/4.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/5.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/6.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/7.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/8.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/9.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/10.jpg

[theqleaner]

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/11.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/12.jpg

http://www.theqleaner.com/images/colboard/thereifixedit/13.jpg