A humour thread [Archive] - Page 14 - David Icke's Official Forums

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:01 AM

Number One Idiot.

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control centre..
Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little
daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the
hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to
kill the ants.. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the
emergency room right away..

Number Two Idiot.

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out
of the plane and home.
Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards them..
It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot.

A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland , walked into the Branch and
wrote 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began
to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller's window.. So he left the Bank and
crossed the street to the NAB Bank.. After waiting a few minutes in
line, he handed his note to the teller She read it and, surmising from
his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbour,
told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was
written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either,
have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland ..
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left..
He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at.
the Bank of Queensland . Happened in Noosa!

Number Four Idiot.

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all
of the cash from the cash drawer..
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of
Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but
the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him.. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his
wallet and gave it to the clerk..
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
she put the Scotch in the bag... The robber then ran from the store with
his loot..
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of
the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two
hours later..

Number Five Idiot

A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.. The
first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him..

Number Six Idiot.

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.. He decided that he'd just
throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run..
So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his head at the window.. The.
brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store
window was made of Flexi-Glass... The whole event was caught on
videotape.. Perth WA .

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:

My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger..
She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said
he was sorry, but they only had iceberg..
Happened in Surfers Paradise !!!

IDIOT SIGHTING:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee
asked, ''Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your
knowledge?? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know??' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
Happened in Melbourne .

JUST AN IDIOT :

When my husband and I arrived at a car dealers to pick up our car, we
were told the keys had been locked in it..
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the drivers side door..
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door
handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know - I already got that side.'
This was at the FORD dealership Dubbo.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:12 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/parenting-skills.jpg

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:14 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/car-alarm.jpg

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:22 AM

Family Reunions Are Always Awkward

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/selection_229_55.jpg

lookfar

10-09-2009, 11:23 AM

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. 'Oh, my,' said the bunny,

'I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.'

‘It's quite OK,' replied the snake. 'Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you , and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you.'

'Oh, that would be wonderful' replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, 'Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.'

'Oh, thank you, thank you,' cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, 'Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me.' So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, 'Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.'

:D

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:25 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-food-court-fail.jpg

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:28 AM

lookfar

10-09-2009, 11:32 AM

Loveit!! :D

Hehe, I've just been emailed it & made me chuckle so thought I'd share:D

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:34 AM

.............................need to get rid of my wireless keyboard,and get a plug in one.

My tabs are too sticky! :rolleyes:

accuracy

10-09-2009, 11:36 AM

Hehe, I've just been emailed it & made me chuckle so thought I'd share:D
And i did share with my e-mail friends, thanks :D

alrick888

11-09-2009, 09:26 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGR4cUQYwXQ&feature=player_embedded

accuracy

12-09-2009, 12:52 PM

http://www.jokesy.com/images/new-security-levels.jpg

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender."

The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey! ", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.

accuracy

12-09-2009, 12:59 PM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-condom-brand-fail.jpg

accuracy

13-09-2009, 08:41 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-free-bears-fail.jpg

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:14 AM

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!"

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" the lawyer asked. "You must have had some doubt. I saw all of you stare at the door."

"Oh, yes," the jury foreman replied. "We all looked - but your client didn't!"

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:24 AM

http://www.jokesy.com/images/australian-bush-etiquete.gif

IN GENERAL
1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your Ute and trailer to the funeral.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN Ute keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

DATING
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook – especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you ever since I read that stuff about you on the dunny door two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say 11pm, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATRE/CINEMA ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.
2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place.)
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo’s in your rifle sight
2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:29 AM

Splats, that's the noise her body makes when she does the split

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/splats.jpg

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:37 AM

For The Love Of God, Give Them Muumuu Money

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/SharonH-superhomeless1.jpg

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:41 AM

Playground Gallows Fail

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-playground-fail.jpg

accuracy

14-09-2009, 11:45 AM

Burnout Fail

Seen at Mount Warning parking area, Australia.

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-burnout-fail.jpg

accuracy

16-09-2009, 11:45 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-parenting-fail.jpg

accuracy

16-09-2009, 11:47 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-loaded-car-fail.jpg

accuracy

16-09-2009, 11:49 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-windows-fail.jpg

accuracy

16-09-2009, 11:54 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036809.jpg

onourwayto2012

16-09-2009, 11:43 PM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036809.jpg

This made me literally LOL!!!

hollo

17-09-2009, 03:22 AM

where can i buy an egg cuber!?

it would make a fantastic present!!!

accuracy

17-09-2009, 10:44 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/1longerfart1.jpg

accuracy

17-09-2009, 10:53 AM

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/gigantic-pregnant-stringray.jpg

ex_anser_ovo

17-09-2009, 10:54 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VxKIcrDsJAs

accuracy

17-09-2009, 10:54 AM

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/weirdest-amazing-insect.gif

ex_anser_ovo

17-09-2009, 10:55 AM

http://strangepictures.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/gigantic-pregnant-stringray.jpg

Is that the proud husband holding her tail?! :confused:

accuracy

17-09-2009, 11:02 AM

Unicorns Are Only Supposed To Have One Horn

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/MeghanL-eyebleachnao.jpg

accuracy

17-09-2009, 11:10 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/172.jpg

lewi

17-09-2009, 06:39 PM

Unicorns Are Only Supposed To Have One Horn

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/MeghanL-eyebleachnao.jpg
:D

accuracy

18-09-2009, 11:33 AM

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.

The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"

accuracy

18-09-2009, 11:38 AM

Need More Supplies

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/1791.jpg

Have I been huffing what? Huffing paint? What? Really? Where would you get that?…….Okay yes. Yes I have. It makes the cat food taste better.
Nevada

accuracy

18-09-2009, 11:41 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/fail-owned-security-fail.jpg

accuracy

18-09-2009, 11:56 AM

http://pavlovianobeisance.com/images/POTD/DSC08116.jpg

accuracy

20-09-2009, 09:47 AM

That’s A First

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/189.jpg

Somebody come here and pick up my jaw, I can’t seem to find it now that my eyes popped out of my head.
Pennsylvania

accuracy

20-09-2009, 09:51 AM

Mobility And Style

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/185.jpg

How did this guy find my Osh Kosh B’gosh overalls from when I was 4?
Tennessee

accuracy

20-09-2009, 10:00 AM

http://www.b3tards.com/u/899d78c16b9bb1676226/vicks.jpg

accuracy

21-09-2009, 08:46 AM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY...

Women are like phones:

They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.

But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected.

accuracy

21-09-2009, 10:02 AM

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Botulism-lotofnudityhere.jpg

accuracy

21-09-2009, 10:04 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-mascara-fail.jpg

ex_anser_ovo

21-09-2009, 10:46 AM

^ That took me a second to get. :o

bsmurph83

21-09-2009, 01:59 PM

This made me literally LOL!!!

many times i've been having breakfast when i have succumbed to the nagging feeling that something just wasn't right... my eggs just didn't seem... cube-like enough!!!

breakthrough!!! :D

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:05 AM

Subject: Fw: Two Kiwi Beggars

Bruce and Trevor are 2 Kiwi beggars.
They beg in different areas of Bondi.

Bruce begs just as long as Trevor but only collects $2 to $3 every day.

Trevor brings home a suitcase full of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes,

Lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Bruce says to Trevor 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a

Suitcase full of $10 notes every day?'

Trevor says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Bruce's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Trevor says 'No wonder you only get $2 - $3.

Bruce says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Trevor shows Bruce his sign ....

It reads, 'I only need another $10 to move back to New Zealand ..’

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:11 AM

Drink With Beckham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MahL0Q1dPX8&feature=player_embedded

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:25 AM

An old guy approaches the window of the movie theatre with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him.

He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!"

"I'm sorry," The girl tells him. "We can't allow animals in the theater."

The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the movie.

Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers, "Myrtle, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!"

Myrtle whispers back, "Oh, don't worry about it...you've seen one, you've seen them all."

Agnes says, "I know...but this one's eating my popcorn!"

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:28 AM

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes
back there are still stains in her panties. The next week she encloses
a note to the Chinaman that says,
"Use more soap on panties."

This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the
laundry.

Finally fed up the Chinaman responded with his own note that said,
"Use more paper on ass."

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:35 AM

http://www.jokesy.com/images/jokes-about-swine-flu.jpg

I tried to call the Swine Flu Help Line. But it was useless, all I got was crackling.

I think I have swine flu: I've broken out in rashers.

Apparently my friend says he has Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though.

Will there be a mass outbreak of Human/Avian Swine flu? When pigs fly…

I need to get tested for swine flu. I've not been to Mexico, but God knows I've slept with some pigs in my time..

Did you hear Kermit the Frog is sick?
Yeah, He got Swine Flu from Miss. Piggie, when he was asked about it he replied, "Bitch told me she was clean".

I have the poor mans version of swine flu…Spam flu

As the two friends wandered through the snow on their way home, Piglet grinned to himself, thinking how lucky he was to have a best friend like Pooh. Pooh however had other thoughts running through his mind… “if that pig sneezes, he’s fuckin’ dead!!!”

Why did the pig jump off the tall building?
Because he read in the news that Swine Flu!

http://www.jokesy.com/images/swine-flu-piglet.JPG

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:44 AM

If you receive an e-mail

from the

Department of Health

telling you not to eat

tinned pork

because of

swine flu....

ignore it.

It's just spam.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/swine-flu-spam-email.JPG

accuracy

27-09-2009, 07:57 AM

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/RykanV-candy.jpg

accuracy

28-09-2009, 10:36 AM

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.

"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case
of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?'

"Twenty-six."

** Shibu **

accuracy

28-09-2009, 10:40 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00036/00036928.jpg

accuracy

28-09-2009, 10:44 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/233.jpg

I think that even if this guy showed up at a Minnesota Vikings game people would stare.
Florida

accuracy

28-09-2009, 10:48 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-low-prices-fail.jpg

accuracy

28-09-2009, 10:53 AM

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/ZackT-Freudsgarden.jpg

accuracy

29-09-2009, 09:50 AM

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside an operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, ???What are you in here for????

The second kid says, ???I???m in here to get my tonsils out, and I???m a little nervous.???

The first kid says, ???You???ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It???s a breeze.???

The second kid then asks, ???What are you here for????

???A circumcision,??? the first kid answers.

???Whoa!??? the second kid says. ???Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. I couldn???t walk for a year.???

accuracy

29-09-2009, 09:51 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/pickme03pepsi.jpg

accuracy

29-09-2009, 09:55 AM

http://www.visualjokes.com/pics/mannightmare.jpg

accuracy

29-09-2009, 10:15 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-acronym-fail.jpg

accuracy

29-09-2009, 10:27 AM

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/people-of-walmart1.jpg

Nearly half of the respondents chose Wal-Mart as the institution that best symbolizes America today, leaving in the dust runners-up Google, Microsoft, the NFL, and the banking and securities firm Goldman Sachs.

accuracy

30-09-2009, 09:39 AM

Subject: Fw: Charities who would have them

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world.

I told them to Fuck off!!

Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!!!

accuracy

30-09-2009, 09:41 AM

A funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out, when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying the casket.

As they are walking out, the husband cries, "Watch out for the wall!"

accuracy

30-09-2009, 09:52 AM

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/celebrity-pictures-milton-berle-dammit-madonna.jpg

accuracy

30-09-2009, 09:53 AM

http://roflrazzi.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/celebrity-pictures-gene-kelly-pole-dancing.jpg

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:10 AM

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine" explained.

"I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:17 AM

http://www.jokesy.com/images/magic-sandals.JPG

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:20 AM

Please do not forget your flu shot!!!!

http://www.jokesy.com/images/flu-shots-and-alcohol.JPG

Eat right!

Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.

Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim,

Take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.

Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.

OR

Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it....
When you go for a shot, what do they do first? They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS
GERMS. So.......

I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona. (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...

If you keep your alcohol levels up,
Flu germs

Can’t get you!

My mother always said,
"A shot in the glass
Is better than one in the ass!"

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:29 AM

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/CourtneyP-overtherainbow.jpg

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:33 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/2551.jpg

I bet this guy is wearing a condom just so everything is tight and snug….come to think of it, this guy kind of looks like a big condom but I don’t have the balls to tell him that.

accuracy

02-10-2009, 11:36 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-paddleboat-fail.jpg

hollo

02-10-2009, 01:38 PM

http://content.bored.com/photos/ebaynotice.jpg

accuracy

04-10-2009, 09:53 AM

http://www.allfunnypictures.com/images3/candykeyboard.jpg

accuracy

04-10-2009, 10:08 AM

http://www.photographytips.com.au/images/best-photos-reuters21.jpg

accuracy

04-10-2009, 10:12 AM

http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/photo-contest/2009/img/wallpaper/0921wallpaper-14_1600.jpg

phildee3

04-10-2009, 11:34 AM

A man goes into the supermarket and asks, "where can I find suppositories?"

"Walk this way, sir," came the reply.

"If I could walk that way I wouldn't need the suppositories!!!" :eek:

accuracy

05-10-2009, 10:18 AM

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the US they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And Finally...................... .....

In Australia , they hung up, because they couldn't understand the Indian accent.

accuracy

05-10-2009, 10:22 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/1gideon1.jpg

accuracy

05-10-2009, 10:25 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/life-sucks.jpg

accuracy

05-10-2009, 10:31 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-torture-chamber-fail.jpg

hollo

05-10-2009, 07:11 PM

i was looking for avatars and came across this :D

http://avatarfarm.com/avatarimages/people/palinmccainlickingavatar.gif http://avatarfarm.com/avatarimages/cats/lotsofcatsavatar.gif

http://www.reallyfunnypictures.co.uk/interesting/pics/21.05.06/howtobuildaplane.jpg

accuracy

06-10-2009, 10:30 AM

A six-year old boy was the only survivor of a sinking ocean liner; he made it to an uninhabited island in the South Pacific and learned to live on his own over the course of the years.
Much later, a fancy yacht sank and a beautiful young woman came swimming up to his island. He pulled her to shore, delighted to finally have some company. She asked him, "How have you gotten along here by yourself?"

"I've found different plants to eat, I dig for clams, and I occasionally can spear a fish in the lagoon"

"How long have you been here?"

"Almost twenty years."

"Well, you probably never even knew about sex, then, did you?"

"What's that?"

So she shows him. Afterwards she asked him what he thought about what they'd just accomplished.

He said, "Well, it was just fine, but look at what it did to my clam digger."

accuracy

06-10-2009, 10:37 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/282.jpg
Create your own caption. I’m in the middle of pouring bleach into my eyes.
West Virginia

accuracy

06-10-2009, 10:40 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-innoculation-fail.jpg

accuracy

06-10-2009, 10:43 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-skirt-fail.jpg
An actual moment at the Washington State Fair in Puyallup.

accuracy

06-10-2009, 10:46 AM

Golden Shower: Doin’ It Wrong

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/LisaS-goldenshowernewmeaning.jpg

cc9088

07-10-2009, 03:23 PM

Jay Leno said on his show the other night that the last surviving person from the Titantic has died...

Yep she was only 6 meters from shore!!!!:D

accuracy

08-10-2009, 10:29 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/118crazy-cops098.jpg

accuracy

08-10-2009, 10:32 AM

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) "Unh unh."

accuracy

08-10-2009, 10:45 AM

http://www.jokesy.com/images/20-note-jokes.jpg

Sometimes we just need to be reminded!

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by:
holding up a $20.00 bill.. In the room of 200, he asked,
' Who would like this $20 bill? '

Hands started going up.

He said, ' I am going to give this $20 to one of you
but first, let me do this.
He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, ' Who still wants it? '

Still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied, ' What if I do this? '

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe.

He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty.

' Now, who still wants it? '

Still the hands went into the air.

My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson.

No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value.

It was still worth $20.

Many times in our lives,
we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.

We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you.

The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know,
but by WHO WE ARE and
WHOSE WE ARE.

You are special
-
Don ' t EVER forget it '

http://www.jokesy.com/images/aussie-dollar.jpg

accuracy

08-10-2009, 11:24 AM

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/celebrity-pictures-lady-gaga-fembots-recalled.jpg

accuracy

09-10-2009, 11:37 AM

Don’t You Just Love It …….

http://img71.imageshack.us/img71/132/blackdog.jpg

Don’t You Just Love It …….

I just signed my dog up for the dole. He should be eligible!

He's black, lazy, can't speak English & has no fucking idea who his father is...

accuracy

09-10-2009, 11:49 AM

Needs Some Black Spray Paint…

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/mick-cardboardtrunk.jpg

This Ladder Seems Perfectly….OMG

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/donl-laddersupporttwo.jpg
http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/donl-laddersupportone.jpg

Hair Tie. Zip Tie. Same Thing.

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/stefunkc-daddyhairtied.jpg

Ceiling Support

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/JohnZ-ceilingsupport.jpg

accuracy

10-10-2009, 12:49 PM

From China With Love

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/62500/From-China-With-Love--62686.jpg

Last War

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/62500/Last-War--62664.jpg

Swine Fool Movie

http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/62500/Swine-Fool-Movie--62667.jpg

accuracy

10-10-2009, 12:54 PM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/gal-1300rpmsharpener.jpg

accuracy

10-10-2009, 12:59 PM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/295.jpg
I don’t have that many opinions period; let alone enough political opinions to cover my car so everyone know that I am pro-smoking.

Michigan

accuracy

10-10-2009, 01:03 PM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/299.jpg
I guess he thought he could roll his underwear over his pants and use them as a belt…didn’t work.
Utah

accuracy

10-10-2009, 01:09 PM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-limo-procession-fail.jpg

accuracy

10-10-2009, 01:12 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=05ru1l2gN88

accuracy

12-10-2009, 09:35 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first, they would come back and inform the other of the after life. The woman's biggest fear was there was no heaven.

After a long life the husband was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary...

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon-supper-then sex till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Kansas.

accuracy

12-10-2009, 09:38 AM

An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart .. what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!"

accuracy

12-10-2009, 09:49 AM

Almost useless knowledge, nevertheless amazing.

VERY INTERESTING STUFF !

In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb..
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'

------------
--------- --------- ---------
The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV?
Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
------------
--------- --------- ---------
Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the U.S. Treasury.
------------
------------ --------- --------

Men can read smaller print than women can;
Women can hear better.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Coca-Cola was originally green.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The percentage of North America that is wilderness:
38%

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of 11:
$ 16,400

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The average number of people airborne over the U.S. in any given hour:
61,000

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair..

------------
--------- --------- ---------

The first novel ever written on a typewriter:
Tom Sawyer.

------------
--------- --------- ---------
The San Francisco cable cars
are the only mobile National Monuments..

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
------------
--------- --------- ---------

111,111,111 x 111,111,111
= 12,345,678,987,654,321
------------
--------- --------- ---------

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4:
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2nd, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later..

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
Their birthplace.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

Obsession

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter 'A'?

One thousand

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

All were invented by women.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

Honey
------------
--------- --------- ---------

Q. Which days are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

Father's Day
------------
--------- --------- ---------

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on.
Hence the phrase 'Goodnight, sleep tight'

------------
--------- --------- ---------

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding,
the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was calledthe honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.
------------
--------- --------- ---------

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts...
So in Ye Olde England , when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them
'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.'
It's where we get the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

Many years ago in England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
'Wet your whistle' is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------
--------- --------- ---------

At least 75% of people who read this
will try to lick their elbow!

------------
--------- --------- ---------

accuracy

12-10-2009, 09:57 AM

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Sclumberg is such a person.

http://img386.imageshack.us/img386/9493/convertingbeerintourine.jpg

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired'?

Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch, and margaritas into urine.

accuracy

12-10-2009, 10:36 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/julianob-uphill.jpg

accuracy

12-10-2009, 10:45 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-car-door-fail.jpg

accuracy

13-10-2009, 10:17 AM

National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years. The NTSB covertly funded a project whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2% of fatal crashes were, "Oh, Shit!"

Only the state of Texas was different, where 89.3% of the final words were, "Hey Y'all, hold my beer and watch this!"

accuracy

13-10-2009, 10:25 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/patt-hurdlesxwalk.jpg

accuracy

13-10-2009, 10:29 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-viewing-areas.jpg

accuracy

13-10-2009, 10:36 AM

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/anon-jay-motorcycle-running-over-hands.jpg

accuracy

13-10-2009, 11:56 AM

http://www.bartcop.com/viagra-switch.jpg
If the light stays on for more than 4 hours,
call your erectrician

accuracy

14-10-2009, 09:49 AM

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

accuracy

14-10-2009, 09:53 AM

A ringer from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the ringer offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikies, who were threatening a young shiela. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya’s!"

St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"A couple of minutes ago"

accuracy

14-10-2009, 10:02 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/love-fat-bitches.jpg

accuracy

14-10-2009, 10:04 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/so-pissed.jpg

accuracy

14-10-2009, 10:18 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/christianw-wino.jpg

accuracy

15-10-2009, 11:21 AM

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

accuracy

15-10-2009, 11:26 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/benm-ricketysink.jpg

nofuture

16-10-2009, 12:53 AM

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/21/20091015/tuk-pie-crust-shows-tommy-cooper-s-face-6323e80.html

http://d.yimg.com/i/ng/ne/pressass/20091015/16/2216019587-pie-crust-shows-tommy-cooper-s-face.jpg

Pie crust shows Tommy Cooper's face

accuracy

18-10-2009, 08:48 AM

Subject: What Ever Fits

Single vs. Engaged vs. MARRIED!!

Sipping her drink, the single 20-year-old girl leered and said, "Last Friday,. At the end of the work, I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only had sex all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!"

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Oi, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

accuracy

18-10-2009, 08:57 AM

Message
http://www.frontiernet.net/~jimdandy/specials/friend/friend.html

Click on the message above, and turn on your speakers.

Cheers

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:29 AM

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

:D

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:36 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/340.jpg
I’m confused, and none of its good. The hair says 1940’s, the shoes say 55 year old man, that shirt says I’m a male figure-skater, and those shorts are not saying anything because she is suffocating them to death.

Tennessee

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:42 AM

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:49 AM

THAT’S THE MAJESTIC HUMPBACK WH…BLARGHHHHHHHHHHHAH! …

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/fb_tip1.jpg

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:52 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-bag-child-fail.jpg

accuracy

18-10-2009, 09:58 AM

Ridiculous. We All Know Aliens Are Green.

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/ZackT-oilpainting.jpg

accuracy

18-10-2009, 10:01 AM

Remember To Plug Your Gimp In At Night

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/690569.jpg

accuracy

18-10-2009, 10:04 AM

Utilizing Cheezburger Technology, caption this most excellent WTF Photo.

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/MattiasW-takethatcopper.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 10:22 AM

McDonalds has slowly taken over the United States

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/nearest-mcdonalds.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 10:52 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/09/epic-fail-internet-email-fail.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 10:55 AM

Mimes Can Make Anything Disturbing

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/Orline-mimeorgy.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 10:58 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037044.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 11:00 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037043.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 11:02 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037047.gif

accuracy

19-10-2009, 11:05 AM

http://www.funpic.hu/files/pics/00037/00037046.jpg

accuracy

19-10-2009, 11:09 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/imaibes-contactpaperhascont.jpg

hells hero

19-10-2009, 12:37 PM

http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss313/Nowhereman437/Stuffstuff/th_diddyringtoss.jpg

hells hero

19-10-2009, 12:38 PM

http://i587.photobucket.com/albums/ss313/Nowhereman437/Stuffstuff/th_bombernews3-1.jpg

hells hero

19-10-2009, 12:49 PM

bah! can't get it to resize

dangermouse

20-10-2009, 04:52 AM

A Flat Stomach

A little boy walks into his parents'
room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen.
She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'
The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'
'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.
'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:45 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/grafit9484removsl.jpg

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:48 AM

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says, "What the hell is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:52 AM

A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician's office.

After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...," to which the doctor replies, "I know, I know," placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:54 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/nickg-4wheelin.jpg

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:57 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-baggy-pants-fail.jpg

accuracy

20-10-2009, 11:59 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/355.jpg
I like skulls. I like wearing skulls. I like killing animals and gluing their skulls onto my hats. If I could, I would melt my face so that you could only see my skull. Oh, and I’ll probably never get laid.

Washington

wobbler

20-10-2009, 05:41 PM

The three remaining members of Pink Floyd get in a car wreck and all three die. They are standing in front of the Pearly Gates when St. Peter comes up and says, ''Oh, Hi guys! We've been expecting you. Your really going to love it here, this is a great place and did you know that we even have our own band? We have Elvis Presley singing, Hendrix is playing guitar, Sinatra is on piano and Roger Waters, your old bandmate, is writing lyrics for us!''

David Gilmour replies, ''Roger is here? When did he die?''

St. Peter leans over and whispers in his ear. ''It's really God, but he thinks he's Roger Waters!''

accuracy

21-10-2009, 12:05 PM

A little old lady from Wisconsin had worked in and around her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation Milk became available in grocery stores in approximately the 1940s, she read an advertisement offering $5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme beginning with "Carnation Milk is best of all."

She thought to herself, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this! She sent in her entry, and several weeks later, a black limo pulled up in front of her house.

A man got out and said, 'Carnation LOVED your entry so much, We are here to award you $2,000 even though we will not be able to use it!'

Read her entry below.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/carnation-milk-is-best-of-all-not-tits-to-pull-no-.JPG

accuracy

21-10-2009, 12:11 PM

Power Ranger Reunion Isn’t Pretty

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/722-WTF.jpg

accuracy

21-10-2009, 12:13 PM

Hate It When Kids Probe Me…

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/KaiS-probing.jpg

accuracy

21-10-2009, 12:17 PM

Wavy Gravy

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/352.jpg

It looks like a black hole sucking everything around it in.

Oklahoma

accuracy

21-10-2009, 12:20 PM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/maximoa-maximumsecurity.jpg

white horse

21-10-2009, 08:03 PM

http://www.fmft.net/jole%20okes%20gibbon%20swimming%20pool.jpg

accuracy

22-10-2009, 12:16 PM

http://www.allhatnocattle.net/blind-rubik-cube.jpg
A participant in the annual Rubik Cube Hungarian Open Championships solves nine 3x3 cubes blindfolded after memorizing all of them in Budapest, Hungary, Sunday, Oct. 18, 2009.

Photo/Bela Szandelszky

accuracy

22-10-2009, 12:28 PM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/breakfast.jpg

accuracy

22-10-2009, 12:30 PM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/there-are-days.jpg

martg

22-10-2009, 10:19 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmToueIgoNY

coco

22-10-2009, 11:20 PM

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind. Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine. I take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation. Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

hollo

23-10-2009, 12:25 AM

its good there is a forum where you can admit to such things :D:p

coco

23-10-2009, 12:48 AM

its good there is a forum where you can admit to such things :D:p

Don't make me reminisce at you! :D

I remember when Teddy Roosevelt was visiting the new ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzz.

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:13 AM

How can the unemployment level be so high when there's job offers like this around??

Reply to: job-jcmxd-1416151549@craigsli st.org

Astronaut needed for experimental flight to Titan. I have been working on this project now for near 40 years and am afraid I’m no longer fit enough to go.
My secret space craft is the result of my professional experience and imagination while serving the U.S. military in advanced aeronautics as a scientist.
The craft harnesses a revolutionary propulsion system and its fuselage is fabricated with the most advanced material.
While considerably safe, I am certain you will make it safely to Titan but there will not be enough fuel to get home. This is for someone unique that has always wanted to see the universe first-hand and has perhaps a terminal view on life here at home.
Here’s your shot at romantic history.

Must be:

-physically fit.
-mentally sound.
-over the age of 18.
-a dreamer.
-a believer.
-not afraid of heights.
-not afraid of extreme conditions such as speed, pressure, heat, etc.
-brave.
-no taller than 5′10 and relatively slim.
-good eye-sight & hearing.
-manual dexterity (although the craft is largely cpu controlled).
-OK in cramped conditions for long periods of time.

* Location: Northern Alberta
* Compensation: $25,000
* This is a contract job.
* Principals only. Recruiters, please don’t contact this job poster.
* Please, no phone calls about this job!
* Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:18 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/365.jpg
Ronald McDonald himself would be embarrassed and disappointed in this person.

Ohio

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:22 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/361.jpg
Is anyone else absolutely shocked that there would be wrestling outside of a Walmart? I guess the parking lot wasn’t big enough for NASCAR. event.

Tennessee

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:26 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/364.jpg
Find me all the king’s horsemen and all the king’s men so that I can stab them for putting her back together again.

West Virginia

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:31 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/359.jpg
I have to assume he has a handle-bar mustache and he lifts huge cartoon weights that look like this O——-O.

Mississippi

accuracy

23-10-2009, 11:37 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-maternity-dad-fail.jpg

hollo

23-10-2009, 04:38 PM

http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10959/pikachus-vagina.jpg

martg

23-10-2009, 05:39 PM

http://www.comicbookmovie.com/images/users/uploads/10959/pikachus-vagina.jpg

:eek::confused::o:p

phildee3

23-10-2009, 06:51 PM

:eek::confused::o:p

It's just Americans teaching their kids to be pricks!

white horse

23-10-2009, 09:26 PM

http://i15.photobucket.com/albums/a354/StuartB77/naziskitten.jpg

:D Ha ha haar!! PMSL!!! :D

white horse

23-10-2009, 10:33 PM

There are good party boats and bad party boats. This looks bad…

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/wtf-pics-bad-party-boat.jpg

Just... oh :confused:

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:17 AM

Accuracy - in your honour, a sterling work on this thread dude!

http://www.realfreewebsites.com/blog/img/fail2.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:19 AM

http://grimstveit.no/jakob/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/05/shipment-of-fail.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:23 AM

http://punditkitchen.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/political-pictures-george-bush-fail.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:27 AM

http://www.jonco48.com/blog/elephant_20nest.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:28 AM

http://laughingsquid.com/wp-content/uploads/royal-fail.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:30 AM

http://www.jonco48.com/blog/worlds_strangest_pedestrian_sign.jpg

white horse

24-10-2009, 01:33 AM

http://www.jonco48.com/blog/bears_20poop.jpg

hollo

24-10-2009, 01:44 AM

http://www.thisis-matt.co.uk/images/Junction%20Of%20Fail.jpg

hollo

24-10-2009, 01:58 AM

caution disturbing image below :)
http://www.failfunnies.com/38/images/1-cup-2-girls-tattoo-fail.jpg

not too sure why this is a fail :eek:

http://www.jennytalia.com/wp-content/uploads/image01jpg-450x337.jpg
they never have the books im after!!

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:32 AM

http://www.thisis-matt.co.uk/images/Junction%20Of%20Fail.jpg

Congestion plus here :D

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:36 AM

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...

http://www.jokesy.com/images/old-lady-speeding.JPG

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:41 AM

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/385.jpg

I will bet any money the fat kid gets more cake than Casanova here gets pussy.

Florida

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:46 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/what-we-see.jpg

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:51 AM

:rolleyes:

Does This Count As Cheating?

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/NatalieR-needtopee.jpg

accuracy

25-10-2009, 10:59 AM

Vegetarian Depiction Of Meat Eaters

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/introducing-mr-wtf.jpg

accuracy

25-10-2009, 11:22 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-irish-mariachi-fail.jpg

accuracy

26-10-2009, 09:52 AM

Subject: Fw: THE TRUCKIE

THE TRUCKIE

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/8113/truckie.jpg

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/8113/truckie.jpg

http://img101.imageshack.us/img101/8113/truckie.jpg

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks stops

into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,

I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!

The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you

could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.

The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:01 AM

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees her guardian angel and asks if this is her time. The angel says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital for a few more days and have a facelift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in heaven again, sees her guardian angel and says, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years!!"

The angel replies, "Sorry. I didn't recognize you."

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:10 AM

What’s The Hand Gesture For “Put Down The Camera And Help Me”?

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/7042_540.jpg

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:14 AM

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial
Roman war chariot.. Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/ procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah . The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/horses-arse-railroad-tracks2.jpg

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:19 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-delivery-date-fail.jpg

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:21 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-beer-parent-fail.jpg

accuracy

26-10-2009, 10:30 AM

Courtesy Of The Red, White, And Blue

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/377.jpg
I’m not sure how to react to the patriotic middle finger. I’m initially offended but then I’m like “Well it’s the American flag, so I guess it’s okay?” Either way I will not be the one to say anything to this dude.
Editors note: This picture was taken by a little girl who is obviously braver and more badass than I am.

Florida

Gold Leaf

http://media.peopleofwalmart.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/386.jpg
Each article of clothing she has on is ridiculous on its own and combining them does not help. The best part is you know she was super pumped when she put these puzzle pieces together.

Georgia

accuracy

27-10-2009, 09:40 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-personal-space-fail.jpg

accuracy

27-10-2009, 09:47 AM

Awareness Fail :D

http://images.cheezburger.com/ThumbnailCache/email/cdn-thumbs.viddler.com/thumbnail_2_4510e2f2.jpg

Check out this 40 second video:

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xavghe_awareness-fail_fun

accuracy

27-10-2009, 09:58 AM

Even The Other Cosplayers Are Shunning Him

http://pictureisunrelated.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/10/daily_picdump_265_39.jpg

coco

27-10-2009, 04:30 PM

Cool site, Accuracy. :)

http://i37.tinypic.com/fmhttd.jpg

coco

27-10-2009, 06:43 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the womens' restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'

accuracy

28-10-2009, 08:51 AM

Subject: Fwd: SpermBank Waiting Room

http://img21.imageshack.us/img21/8278/aussiespermbank.jpg

accuracy

28-10-2009, 08:58 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/wat0439shotrtge.jpg

accuracy

28-10-2009, 09:19 AM

Dear Son, I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time. The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or girls so don???t know if you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tailgate down. Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.Love, Ma

accuracy

28-10-2009, 09:42 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-amish-dating-fail.jpg

accuracy

28-10-2009, 09:48 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/rama-2500rpmpeppergrindersa.jpg

Editor’s Note: Wonder if they took their inspiration from here?

accuracy

28-10-2009, 09:49 AM

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/bebop-radiator.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:28 PM

http://i34.tinypic.com/2dljju9.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:28 PM

http://i35.tinypic.com/jhezqo.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:43 PM

http://i33.tinypic.com/ay4ms8.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:45 PM

This is for the 'alien' enthusiasts.

http://i34.tinypic.com/24vti6r.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:46 PM

http://i37.tinypic.com/vnkspc.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:56 PM

http://i34.tinypic.com/1zlcf2b.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 02:57 PM

http://i35.tinypic.com/35cihkl.jpg

martg

28-10-2009, 07:34 PM

I love these ones :D

http://thereifixedit.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/bebop-radiator.jpg

http://i34.tinypic.com/2dljju9.jpg

http://icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/funny-pictures-panda-has-technical-difficulties1.jpg

:)

coco

28-10-2009, 07:50 PM

The forum gang has been talking about the new war robots.

http://i36.tinypic.com/2n7i15v.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 07:51 PM

Mods! Don't look!

http://i34.tinypic.com/15s7apv.jpg

coco

28-10-2009, 07:59 PM

http://i34.tinypic.com/16i7j88.jpg

dangermouse

28-10-2009, 08:56 PM

The forum gang has been talking about the new war robots.

http://i36.tinypic.com/2n7i15v.jpg
lol

http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/624-Resident-Evil-5

coco

28-10-2009, 09:19 PM

Ummmm.......

Sooo the super good really make you happy product make him change from banker to spaghetti super hero and he defeat the many times mean man?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skBlEbsM0jM

accuracy

29-10-2009, 08:52 AM

Keep up the good work, coco ;)

accuracy

29-10-2009, 08:58 AM

Only Aussies

http://img301.imageshack.us/img301/5909/onlyaussies.jpg

Being Australian is about driving in a German car
to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer,
then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry
or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and
watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
Oh and....
Only in Australia ...
can a pizza get to your house faster
than an ambulance

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make
sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop
to get milk while healthy people
can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ...
do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ...
do banks leave both doors wide open
and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars
in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower
in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION....

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency
in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull
whilst throwing up into the toilet.

IF YOU'RE PROUD
TO BE AUSTRALIAN
SEND THIS ON

accuracy

29-10-2009, 09:04 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/93crotch2308947.jpg

accuracy

29-10-2009, 09:12 AM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

http://www.jokesy.com/images/disorder-in-the-courts.jpg

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_____________________________ ________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_____________________________ _________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________ _______________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
_____________________________ _______________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

accuracy

29-10-2009, 09:15 AM

http://www.dailyhaha.com/_pics/pew-pew-pew.jpg

evillive

29-10-2009, 09:34 AM

http://failblog.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/epic-fail-math-fail.jpg

coco

29-10-2009, 10:32 PM

Groucho Marx - The honest politician.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_VBd6T0RD8&feature=player_embedded

accuracy

30-10-2009, 08:29 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/countiud939driev.jpg

accuracy

30-10-2009, 08:31 AM

http://www.jokesgallery.com/Pic/303stereo32094835426.jpg

accuracy

30-10-2009, 08:37 AM

http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/EPH/8150.jpg

accuracy

30-10-2009, 08:44 AM

A flash

http://www.insanepictures.com/fl.shtml?0087.htm

accuracy

30-10-2009, 08:48 AM

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.